Trying Her Best to Break My Marriage

i got married 5 years ago and my mother-in-law has made my life hell ever since even though we had an arranged marriage. When I married my husband I moved from London to Manchester leaving behind all my family, friends and people I know and love.

We initially lived with my husbands family. 1 of his sister's although younger than him was already married to a guy from the East and although was not living with us was always round, intrerfering. 2 of my husbands sister were in their final year at university and came home only when they wanted and the youngest was at collage.

Soon after we came back from our honeymoon I started noticing how controlling my mother-in-law was. she would wake me up in the mornings whilst her daughters slept in to do the housework. even when they did get up they hardly helped. i once said that I was going to the library to draft covering letters and update my CV to look for a job (I am a professional and a graduate with masters. I had worked since I was 16 and supported myself through university therefore having a job to support myself and to meet people in an unknown city was and is important to me) she would make comments like my daughter never go out alone, they never go out after dark. This made me feel like i was doing something i should not do. slowly slowly it got worse to such an extent that she began to control what i ate. my husband is in the medical profession and he hates food which is too oily. His mother has a tendancy to make food really oily. he spoke to her quite often about this but to no avail. eventually he told me that we should make our own food and have a variety of foods (which is what i was brought up on) and not just curry's. One day I decided and agreed with my husband that we would have something different from what his mum had cooked. My mother-in-law flipped it was like a 3rd world war that had happened she ranted and raved that we both eat what she eats and that we should not even cook a separate curry from her it should be exactly the same. I really could not believe this someone trying to be so controlling.

there was also and still is a really cold atmosphere within the family home. I noticed that everytime I went to visit my family in london (which was not very often - once in 3 months if that) when I came back th whole atmosphere in the home had changed my mother-in-law and sister-in-law would not speak to me it was like I had done something wrong but I did not know what. my family would send my mother-in-law presents she would never phone to say thank you or anything like that. Eventuially she would erupt and have ahuge argument accussing me of petty little things and making statements like I told told my husband how to behave towards his family. This was not and is not true even up till this day.

There was also an incident on my mother-in-laws birthday. we brought her a present she did not like it (fair enough) but she caused a huge arguement over it saying igt was cheap and nasty and also throwing all sorts of other dirt on me. I did not respond to her and let my husband deal with her. later that day one of my sister-in-laws called me on my mobile and started shouting a lot of abuse at me she swore down the phone calling me everything under the sun. I was lucky that my husband was with me at the time and heard everthing. In fact I passed the phone onto him so that he could deal with her. when my husband told his parents as to what his younger sister had just done they just shrugged it off. infact a few weeks later when she came home she tried talking to me but i was not prepared to speak to her after the amount of abuse she had hurled down the phone at me. so i quite firmly told her she was never to speak to me like that again and if she is going to use language like that she should use it with her brother as he was her sibling not me. she went crying to her dad who instead of saying to his daughter that you should not speak to your brothers wife like that comforted her and gave her a pat on her back.

this was not the end things started getting bad to worse. my husband was always falling out with his parents which I can honestly say I played no part in these and most of the time i did not even know what they were arguing about but she always blamed me. I now know that my husband as my husband has confirmed this and had never had a good relationship with his parents and this was long before I even met his. things were never good I began to lose weight, was a bag on neves, constantly crying. then my sister-in-laws came home from university for good. the atmosphere in the family home got worse. my mother-in-law and sister-in-laws began to ignore me more frequently. they would often leave me out of things. I never know what I had done wrong. I was really lonely I had left all my family behind for what this. it was really beginning to get me down. then it all came to a head when my aunt came to visit me (10 months into my marriage). As it was the first time my little cousins had visited me I wanted to get them a little something to remember me by. My mother-in-law made a huge issue out of this (these presents were brought from my own earning, not hers and not my husbands) this led to a huge argument which eventually led to me and my husband moving out without even a roof on our heads. as when we stated that we wanted to move out his parents told us to leave there and then. that night we stayed at a friends and continued to stay foe a week until we got rented accomodation. We did go back that night to resolve things only not to be let in and a whole load of abuse shouted at us by my mother-in-law, father-in-law and sister-in-law in the middle of the street. we walked parents as any other asian parents came up from london to resolve the issues. they did not let my husband through the front door but let me and parents in to hurl a lot of abuse. During time one of his sisters as done on a previous occassion called my husband on his phone so that he could hear what was being said. nothing resolved and things really just got from bad to worse and are getting worser by the day.

We moved into our rented accomdation and unbeknown to me at the time one of my sister-in-laws accessed my bank account details to get our address. All of my husbands sisters turned up at our doorstep and told my husband to get divorced and that he could always marry again he should stick by them and his parents. my husband stood by me. I was really annoyed because up until now I had never said anything I always remained quite to prevent an argument. But this got the worst of me and I reported my sister-in-law to the bank which she worked at and got her the sack. I have no regrets for doing this.

We had very limited contact with my husbands family but as my husband felt he should be a responsible son he maintained some contact. things started to get better but them my grandad passed away. my husbands dad did not even offer his condolences to my family. I let this by as my husband was aware that this was wrong of them to behave like this. then they were invited to a number of weddings in my family they refused to attend. this together with other things led to my husband having a huge row with them at the time I was pregnant so my husband dealt with this on his own accord as he did not want to cause me any more undue stress as it was extremely difficult for me to even get pregnant due to the stress I was under. throughout my pregancy my husbands family made no contact with me. then out of the blue someone sent my sister-in-laws b/f a text message warning him off my husbands family. they wanted to get married and guess who my mother-in-law blamed...yes me. she had no evidence of this but just wanted to cause triuble between me and my husband. To date we do not know who sent this text and suprisingly my sister-in-law has still ended up marrying her boyfriend.

having done this the next step for my mother in law was to ruin my sister's engagement party. a week before my sisters party (which as my husband knew had been planned for months) my mum decided that she would invite my husbands parents to it (coming from the asian community you do these things) my husbands mum hurled a lot of abuse at my mum down the people which resulted in my mum crying all night long. a few days later after my mum had called her she called my husband to say that his sister was getting engaged that week (what a coincidence). I was extremely annoyed also my hormones where everywhere as i was in my last trimester. i was now going to miss a party before the engagment do. although i made it to my sister's actual engagement i had missed out on doing all the girly things i had planned with my sisters and cousins. then my son was born and guess who wants to be at the forefront of me going into labour. yes my mother-in-law. throughout my pregnancy did not give a damn and there she was at the birth like butter would not melt in her mouth.

things did get a bit better (although she never treated my family well and was constantly making digs at them to me which i really to dateb do  not understand why she does) until my son's 1st birthday. she ruined this. i invited my husbands family round together with my parents and brother, they made no effort with them. in fact they were extremely rude to my parents. they sat through my son's first birthday party like they had attended a funeral (i'll never forget it) they did not even sing happy birthday to my baby. however i let that by and continued to make an effort for my husbands sake with them even though they continued to remain rude and hostile towards me and my family and treated my child differently from their other grandchildren. recently now on my son's 2nd party i wanted to have a big celebration as we had not really had a big celebration for him since he was born as my husbands mother was always plotting or schemeing something. one minute saying she had consucted the religious ceremony of my sone (without mine or my husbands knowledge) and the minute denying this.  so i had a big party for my baby. at this party my mother-in-law, father-in-law and there daughters where exteremly rude to my immediate and extended family they segregated themselves from them therefore once again ruining my son's party. they were not only rude to my family but also mine and my husbands friends. therefore i decided i was not take much of this anymore and that for the first time in 5 years I was going to speak up. So when my husbands mother called us round for one of her so called chats which normally lead to world war 3 I spoke up. I gave her as good as I got and I have no regrets after years of her mental and verbal abuse I was not prepared ton take anymore. then she went really low I could not believe how low she got. she stated getting really personal and making abusive remarks about my family and especially my mother. I was not prepared to hear another word against my mum as I had heard my husbands mother abusing her for years now. so i walked out with my son. my husband soon followed us out. Since that day she has not left me and my husband alone. she is constantly making accusations about what I have allegedly done but she provided no evidence of this. She has now accused me of sending letters to another of my sister-in-laws boyfriend who she is about to marry and his family. yet these letters have not materialised. she has made various other allegations and these are coming in on a weekly basis. the old allegations areput to one side no evidence is provided to substantiate them and new allegations are then made. 

I honestly really do not know what to do about her. My husband is supportive but sometimes she does get the better of him. I refuse to have anything to do with her or my husbands family and have told my husband that i have washed my hands off her. this is just a brief outline of how she has been torturing me for the last 5 years I have not even gone into detail yet. I feel like I am tearing apart with her constant accusations. I know she is trying to break my marriage up and she is constantly scheming on what to do next. the thing is my husband still feels obliged to keep contact with his family due to the cultural background we come from however for the first time in 5years he is saying that he will not be asking me to have any liasons with them. any advice will be appreciated.

feel feel
3 Responses Mar 3, 2009

Be strong and firm. Treat them like spoiled unruly children; refuse to engage until they learn manners. They will always fight against you; it is your husbands responsibility to stop them if he cannnot and/or will not; then leave them all to eat each other up. You and your son deserve to be in a loving environment. Leave!! Life is too short to subject yourself to this kind of abuse, and it is abuse. Stand up for yourself, Asian culture or not, there comes a time when you have to be your own culture, advocate for yourself. Even if you feel you need to put up with this for your marriage, for them to mistreat your parents is too much. Leave them, all of them!!! Can you get back one day of your life; how do you feel under this abuse? People only do to you what you allow them to do. Once they see that they cannot hurt you and you refuse to engage they will look like the deviants they are. Don't get hurt and angry when they accuse, you know you are innocent, so shrug it off and live your life. in fact don't even respond. Just laugh at them as silly little people (I should not have insulted children). They are jealous people, bottom line. I am speaking from expereince and I know its hard, but until you refuse their behaviour they will continue. Act like they do not exist and if your husband has a problem he can go with them. If this does not work then give them some of their own medicine and then leave. Thats what I did. I became the evil one and unleashed venom like they had never seen....then I left. Now my husband is with me and they all know their place. No one bothers me or my marriage because they know I am ready to kick *** and walk away from all of them.

I can certainly sympathize, and fully agree-It sounds like you too have the in-laws from He..!!<br />
I have a friend here in the states that had a very similar situation...Hers too was an arranged marriage. Although she was a medical student in a very rigorous program, with a little baby at home, when her in-laws came to visit for a few months...They were absolutely wretched! First they treated her like their own personal servant-no matter how many long hours she’d already have to work, and no matter how kind or patient she was (& exhausted), they were often very rude & dismissive of her...Yet still, for her husband’s sake, she tried to cater to their every whim. Worse yet was their treatment of her little daughter, a very bright & somewhat precocious little toddler. They were not only rude & insulting to the little girl but they’d even call her mentally retarded. All the while the husband did nothing to intervene of defend his wife & child; In fact, quite the contrary-he would instead just hand over thousands upon thousands of dollars to them for whatever or whenever they’d request it-and amidst their barrage of insults & put downs at him or his family…sometimes he’d even agree or join in on their assaults against them. Most shockingly was shortly before their departure his family insisted that their daughter be handed over to them for them to raise (to insult/assault) back in India…When the girl’s mother declined, the husband went as far as threaten to divorce her if she didn’t also give into her Mother in-law’s demands! Today she is happily re-married, with a new & loving family, and her daughter a well-adjusted, Bright & beautiful, young lady…<br />
Big kudos to your husband for standing by his wife & child, for protecting you, & obviously loving you-as he should! It is good to see a real man taking responsibility for his family-who is dependable & whom you can respect. I agree with the other commentator here-It is likely best that you distance yourself as much as possible from these abusers. You do not need to stoop to their level or be rude as they are to you…but simply avoid them as much as possible. You “both” need to make it “Very” clear that abuse or disrespect of any kind will not be tolerated in your home or with your family-not ever. If they cannot accept that-perhaps it would be easier for you both to look for other employment…& move far enough away (to a more distant state or part of the country) where you can live your own lives in peace-and by your own standards. You obviously don’t want your children to be their victims or following in their bad examples…. Good Luck

I can't believe that woman... I hope things get better for you, I wish I had some helpful advice but I really wouldn't know what to do in that situation. Maybe it's best if you just avoid contact with your mum-in-law and whoever else gives you grief. Again, I hope things get better for you and your family.