The Pain Of Pills

Now, it is no secret to anyone that asks me that my mother was an addict. But what they don't know is how bad it truly got. I lived in a virtually one parent house hold of my father from 5 on up. My father and family denied the fact that she was addicted for seven years. I had no idea, I was a momma's boy and didn't think she could do any wrong. I remember that Saturdays were "Cleaning days". We would have to clean the house top to bottom, and if it wasn't good enough, which it never was for the first two times, we would have to clean again. She would yell at us, never satisfied with how we cleaned, even when we cleaned better than any house I had ever seen. She would yell at my siblings over the smallest infractions, never caring what she did to hurt us, only guilt tripping us. When I was twelve, I think, we had an intervention. I should say they did. I was not invited and not even told about it until we were going to the rehab to see my mother. Now, I thought she was at a hospital for her other sicknesses, but she was actually in the Cirque Lodge. Now that is not a cheap rehab. It cost my father $30,000 for a month, which he did not have, but for my mom, nothing was too good in his eyes. I remember on the way there I was asking about where we were going, and when they told me a rehab I actually asked if there was a doctor there for the sicknesses she had. When she came back from there, she did well for a little bit, but fell right off the horse quickly. She once went missing for a week, taking the car and driving off. Another time she stole my sister's car so she could "get cookies" from the store. When my brother had his child twelve hours away, we drove down to see it, on the ride, my mother started popping pills and blasting country at full. She had a five gallon bag halfway full with her pills and was just popping away. That ride was horrible. When I was on a week long scout camp, it was parents night, where everyone's parents came to see them. Except mine, because she was too high to make it. She took so many pills one time that she induced a Grand Mal Seizure, leading to here being carried out by my father and raced to the hospital. When she came back from rehab and fell back into pills, she had about a four to five day cycle, she would take pills the first through third, with the third being the worst and most violent day, and then detox the next one to two days. I always called my dad to see if I wanted to come home that day or go to my friends, usually the latter. The last time before my father left her, she was on opiates. She called the cops twice because she was seeing people breaking into the house. She saw spiders appearing from the carpet, there was a football camp that week. She didn't make it up there either. I had the benefit of only coming back as she was coming off the high. I was watching the Simpsons and she though that Homer was sexually assaulting Marge, and demanded I change it. My father had her hospitalized to detox, he was told she had enough opiates to kill a horse. Now, the most traumatizing experience was when we confronted her a second time as a family about her addiction. I was playing video games when my father yelled across a house and a story to call me up to help. We were tearing through her things to find the pills, we couldn't find them anywhere and she wouldn't tell us. I was in charge of covering the door, making sure she didn't run for it. I will always remember this moment as it tears into my soul, she looked me dead in the eyes, tears in her eyes, and begged me "Please let me out, I love you, don't you love me?". I had to shake my head and say that I loved her but couldn't let her out, my tears were flowing freely and I could barely see. My mother was crafty, and the pills she was taking looked like little mints, so she hid them in an Altoids tin and we looked in it and passed it over. The next day my father caught her popping pills from there. Nowadays I do not believe she takes pills anymore, but she does smoke in replacement. She is trying to turn her life around and make amends to her children. I do forgive her, but how can you forget such soul tearing pain and all she did to tear the family apart?
listrain listrain
18-21, M
Jan 18, 2013