Guilt and Love In Melbourne

Mum was diagnosed with breast cancer while i was away overseas during the summer. They didn't want to worry me while I was away and I can understand that and don't begrudge them their decision.

She starts chemo on Thursday.  I live about two hours away from her, my dad, and my youngest sister. I have my own life here. I have a boyfriend who I am blissfully in love with. I have a job that is demanding and takes up my whole week. I can't be there during the week for her... and during the weekend I just want to be with my boyfriend as we don't see each other much during the week. And I feel like a horrible daughter. I know that mum says that the last thing that she wants is to stuff up my life as well. But funnily enough that doesn't make me feel any better.

I am going home this weekend. And when again after that I don't know. Being at home there is little that I can actually do to help other than appease my own guilt. Pffft. I love her so much, and I'm scared to death.

Half the reason that I don't want to go home is that fact that I don't want to see her sick. She has always been a rock for me, that to see her with no hair and thin and ill will be really hard for me. So I go home this weekend when in the back of my head I can pretent that she's just got the flu as she'll be tired and ill but still 'look' ok. But after that, when she starts to lose her hair I won't be able to hold onto that daydream anymore. She has always been so strong for me that I'm scared I won't be able to be strong enough for her. I'm scared the chemo won't work. I'm scared.

thecoolgirlintown thecoolgirlintown
26-30, F
1 Response Feb 11, 2007

How is your mom? I noticed you posted in February and she was getting ready to start chemo. My mother died from breast cancer. I took care of her for three years. We moved her in with us. She had other medical problems other than the cancer. My grandmother, my mother, four aunts and five cousins had breast cancer. I had a bilateral masectomy with reconstruction four years ago. <br />
Please let me know about your mom. I know it is hard on you with starting your life. Calling her and sending cards would be nice when you can't be with her.