Never Ending Battle

My mum had a nervous breakdown a few years back now. She is a single parent who left my dad because he was physically abusive and a drunk. She raised my brother and I on her own working two jobs to pay for everything. Her breaking point was when my great grandma drowned in her swimming pool. My mum found her and had to drag her out and attempt to resuscitate her. Mum has suffered from post traumatic stress from this ordeal, as well as depression and anxiety. and has recently been diagnosed as borderline bipolar. She left her job when she had her breakdown because she could not face it anymore and has been unemployed since

Since then we have gone through times where we could barely afford to eat. My brother seems to have had enough and never comes home which makes it worse. Mum is constantly sad and sometimes just angry. I try my best to help her throught her darkest hours and she has told me on several occasions that I am the only reason she hasn't tried to kill herself. I find these things extremely hard to deal with. Like there is so much pressure on me to do the right thing and make sure that she is always happy. but she is constantly telling me that "she failed as a parent because im a failure" or "i should just give up because I will never end up being anything". Sometimes she becomes a lot better, we might go for a walk to the beach together and laugh and joke, but all it takes is one thing for her to slip right back into her depression, and its like being back at square one. She does see a physcologist but this doesnt seem to be helping anymore, and she refuses to take any medication because she feels like thats just masking the problem rather than fixing it. I feel like i can never go out in fear of what she might do while im gone. Like I have to be careful with what I say. and im scared that I might be getting depression from this. I have panic attacks quite often, and I sometimes wake up crying because ive had a nightmare that mum has killed herself so i go to her room to make sure she is still ok. Sometimes i'm incredibly angry at my mum for the way she is, and this just makes me feel guilty. I no longer have anyone to talk to about this and would just really appreciate someone to give me some advice on how to deal with this. And to know I'm not alone.
DerpaJerp DerpaJerp
18-21
Dec 12, 2012