The Hatred Is Building...

For as long as I can remember my mom has been like this but I just assumed everyone's mom acted that way! It wasn't until I moved away to University last year then came back for the summer, I realized her behavior wasn't normal.

Now I admit, my PA diagnosis is a 'self-discovered' one. Initially I thought she was depressed.
When I researched into it, I happened across a Wiki entry on Passive Aggressive behavior and every point mentioned was a trait my mother possessed. Months of the silent treatment for no apparent reason, moving things of importance then claiming ignorance, saying one thing to me then something else to my dad or friends, manipulation, nasty comments etc. If you confronted her she would reply with an excuse or somehow put the situation on you so that its naturally your fault. The funny thing is when I was very young, she used to treat dad with all of the above, but when I hit thirteen the focus of all her passive aggression turned on me. 

Its still this way today! I'm 20 years old ready to turn 21 in a few months. She'll ask dad how his day at work was but when I talk, she sighs and rolls her eyes. Another favorite thing to do is turn the TV up when I talk.
She'll say to me that she wishes I would move back home because she doesn't like me living in the city. But the minute my back is turned, she'll tell dad that she 'wishes I would go away so that they could just be together.'
I got my very first Ace grade on a university paper and she wasn't bothered. Yet at work I have people telling me that she's so proud and won't stop going on about how well I've been doing - just for attention on herself I think.
When I lost my flat, her exact words were 'I can't believe I'M going through this again.' The list is endless! I also found out from dad, he only discovered a few months back, that she had a secret bank account! 

To be honest, i'm not sure that discovering 'PA behavior' was the best thing that could happen; I actually find myself resenting her more if thats possible.
All those years the little devil on my shoulder would say 'why is she picking on ME? I'm her daughter and she's being so evil!' Then the angel would counter it with 'She's your mother, and would never do those things. Your seeing things that aren't there. Its you who has the problem.' - I had a kind of comfort in that, blaming myself. But now I know that she's doing it on purpose; it doesn't hurt, it makes me hate her (strike me now for saying it because I know its not good.)
But now that I know, honestly I would give anything not to have a relationship with her (without the guilt.) I see the rest of my life shadowed by this woman who wants to manipulate and sabotage my every move. The woman who single-handedly killed my fathers career is moving to my own and by god I'm not letting it happen!

I wanted to know how to deal with these kinds of people but honestly? I don't personally think I can, Its too late.
Call me pessimistic and nasty but I wish that dad would realize he has lost. Unless he wants to live with this treatment for the rest of his days he should divorce her.
And myself? I can say that when I move away to Norwich I ain't coming home which saddens me, because I'm so close to my father. This has ruined my relationship with HIM. Forget Mom.
ponylee ponylee
8 Responses Jul 29, 2010

Wow, I somehow ended up almost completely normal with my f**ked up family...if thats possible, i sometimes cant believe my mother...last year i literally thought i had lost. i just gave up and stopped fighting with her. hide in my room to avoid argueing with my parents.. but a few months later my friend pointed out that they were insane and id known this since i was 12 so i should be used to it by now. I fought with my mom 5 times that day over her insanity. she mostly leaves me alone now, but she still picks on my brother, and he is also passive aggressive and he'll take it. so i feel obliged to stand up for him too. all of this is making me insane! Ive accepted this is how they are and they will most likely never change, and i dont hate them. they did give me life, and ill love them forever for that. but as people? hate them, as parents? i love them...even if there parenting style is screwing me and my brother up. i think the people that said acceptance was the best key here and to try and talk it over with them is the best....although sometimes they just wont listen!

I cant believe theres so many people with the same problem. i suffered from low self esteem and guilt issues throughout my life ( it was aways my fault, im too sensitive/stubbrn/naive acc to my mom).. and i still suffer frm these issues its sort of ingrained in me to beat myself up for everything tht sumone said..theres comfort in self blame and u are so used to it. I have been the most devoted obedient daughter but sumhow my mother felt more affectin towards her sisters daughers... tht too was sumhow my fault. i have done very well for myself in life, but she never lets any chance escape to fill me with guilt. Its so sad, the world thinks shes the perfect mom. I want to foorgive her and change her but i know its impossible, she seems to derive strength from the hurt guilt and anger she causes in me. my dad is an awesome person but i will have to stay away from him to bcos of her. sumtimes i feel i wil go insane. why cant i have a normal mom who loves me

I feel the same way -- that it's ruining my life. My mother feels so at risk if her children are getting along with each other. She can't stand it. So she starts fights. My brother helped me move last year. Afterwards, I sent him a thankyou card with five hundred dollars in it. For a whole year, she's been telling me he said I never appreciated him, and that I was mean and "sick" (this means mentally). For a whole year I've been waiting for him to tell her to that I had GENEROUSLY thanked him. He won't do it. He LIKES my parents thinking I've been an ingrate. I even asked HIM to tell them how I thanked him. He told me I need to stop wallowing in this. NOBODY will EVER confront her when she sets this up. I got the worst *** chewing of my life 2 weeks ago from my dad over how ungrateful I am to my brother. I have wanted to die now for almost 3 weeks. And since I got nuked by my dad, my brother still hasn't gone and told them that I DID show my gratitude. I DO hate them. I hate my weak, manipulating, lying mother, I hate my cowardly brothers, and I hate my son of a ***** father for never failing to take the bait. He says the most horrible things to me and even me on my hands and knees begging him to stop doesn't make him let up. Yup, I hate every frikkin one of them and my mother is at the top of the list. I propped her up my entire childhood while my dad cheated on her with MANY women. Now she just loves it when he "protects" her from me. of all people. They can all rot in hell, because they've made my life hell. The past 2 weeks have been absolutely horrific to me. And my cowardly brother has yet to stand up for me. He just tells me to stop wallowing in this . . . Did I mention I hate these ********?

Please don't let her do this to you any longer. I'm so sorry I let my parents exact my mother's PA game on me. It's my mom's way of getting attention from my dad, and his way of making up for all the years he was a horrid, cheating, child beating husband. He'll play along with any game she sets up, because he can once again be a hero to her. I, for some reason, got stuck in the middle, because when I was a little girl, he used to take me to his girlfriend's apartment. So she got mad at me, but needs him to show her affection. She sets me up to look like I hurt her, then he rides in on his white horse and chews me out and tells me what an awful person I am, then he cuddles her up and tells her he loves her and she eats it up. I'm trying to be ok with the fact that if I don't just remove myself completely from their lives, that they will just continue to to the same thing EVERY TIME THEY SEE ME. When I tell them I can't put up with getting caught up in the middle of THEIR little game, they always tell me I need to FORGIVE, forget the past, and move forward. Once again, they tell me that I'm the one at fault, because I can't just "let it go" . . . I'd let it go if the same thing didn't happen over and over. I'm almost 60 and all of my life they've been doing this to me and just two days ago when my dad chewed me out over lies my mother told him, they told me how awful I am because I just won't forgive them. I hate them. I've been a good daughter to them. I put myself through college, have never had trouble with the law, had a great career, have 2 beautiful adopted daughters (and I'm a good mom), and I get along well with people. They treat me like I'm a career criminal. My mom tells him some lie about some cruel thing I did to her (she completely makes these things up), then he goes off on me. Then he consoles her and she feels soooooo loved. After it's all done, she always has the nerve to tell me that she wants me to get the help I need because something's obviously wrong with me. She lied and told me my brother said he could tell I'm sick too. He said he never said such a thing. I guess the anger I feel is part of the process of finally admitting that they have no interest in me other than how they are used to using me in their routine. Accccck. I hope I never see them again.

I think it's the letting go that's the hardest. I feel that too. You feel pushed in a corner. It's just so fustrating!

My mother sets me up too! One time my husband and I were popping into their place to pick something up and mum made such a big deal on the phone about not bringing the boys. I had to take one of them with me, and thought mum would just have to deal with it. We arrived and my Dad was wondering where the otherone was and how come we didn't bring him/ He looked quite hurt. Mum looked on all innocently as though yeah why didn't you bring him? She got me again! I didn't stand up to them then. I'm slowly getting there with them. I've only ever stood up for myself to them a few times, and each time it made things so much worse! But they push so hard! Your trying so hard not to show dissrespect, but what do you do?

My mother is passive aggressive. She is very negative, asks questions like an interrogator to get every detail because she always looks for a problem, digs and digs and digs, repeats the same mundane topic of marriage over and over like a parrot when it is totally irrelevant such as I am talking about the plot of a book and she buts in with the author's wife. She has to throw this into every conversation when it is totally irrelevant...her husband, his wife...I am currently single. She takes sharp jabs repeatedly with her vicious remarks, in any conversation she turns it into a debate defending the opposition,...she is just poison. Vicious, mean and bitter.

Yeah, mine picks, picks, picks!

If you want to love this woman, you are going to have to do it with no expectations, and along the lines of St. Francis prayer, Where there is hatred let me sow love. If you can't do that then you are going to have to put a moat around yourself, let that moat be self esteem. You ARE aware that this is her pattern, for example the tallionic impulse.<br />
<br />
A borderline might react very assertively if he sees a perceived injustice. He may get an undeserved reputation for always standing up for right and justice no matter what. When in fact he is just doing what he is genetically predisposed to do.<br />
Your mums attacks on you feel personal and they hurt. Like water dripping on stone it wears down confidence happiness esteem.<br />
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Just now you need her as much as ever, the precipice of Adulthood is a scary place.<br />
At the age of 7 I realised that nothing I could do would make my mother like me and she was incapable of loving me. It was permission in a way to myself to stop trying.<br />
Many years later I had my first child and severe PMD, It stopped me bonding with my baby for many years, and I came to understand how a mother could have no feelings for her own flesh and blood. I just thank God I was not born with my mothers sadistic streak, My son grew up fine, happy successful and a great dad himself. Take heart, I am sorry you are suffering, Its unfair as life often is, It does get better.

I agree, it's coming to a place of acceptance. I'm getting there. I dont put up with her tirades anymore though. I just try and prevent the situation accuring.

no i don't think you can't, since it's an illness that makes somebody act in a way that anybody even the ill person knows is wrong to act like that and treat the persons they should love the most like shiit!<br />
You might cry and feel like shiit because of that person and think that it's bc you love them but nah! thats just the pain and the anger coming out of you in tears....

i completely understand what you're saying but the sad part on my case is that..She's ''all i have''..i dont have a dad i can count on and no job so i have to take all her shiit im just hoping to find a job and get the fuuck out!..she has ruined my life sometimes i think i hate her!