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My Mother Is Passive Aggressive And My Sister Fans The Flames

I am trying not to be annoyed, but the more I think about it the more it bugs me....and makes me want to tell my sister to stop talking to my dd.(16).    My sister and I are not close....as a matter of fact, from my perspective, I do civil just because I have to.  I don't like my sister, I think she is a big fat phony who says and does things for her own purposes, not necessarily for the ones she claims she is doing them for.    Suffice it to say, she has a long history of throwing gasoline on a fire when it comes to my mother, and me.   She plays the dutiful daughter really well, but when it comes to any real substance, there is nothing there-- at least nothing I have ever seen.

She moved to CA to find her birthparents a long time ago- like 20 years.   This was extremely hurtful to my mother-- I don't begrudge her finding them if she wanted, but she knew darn well my mother couldn't handle knowing it, and she rubbed it in her face anyway--- she stayed in CA, found religion (another source of my irritation with her), never married, and really leads a do as she pleases lifestyle-- snorkeling trips, cruises, relatively undemanding job, no husband or children to tell her what to do and when to do it etc.   That is all well and good I suppose, but she seems to have a habit of finding fault with my relationship or dutifulness as regards my parents- both to me and to them she has something to say about it-- oh, L doesn't see them enough, or L should be helping them more, etc etc--- and while we do live in the same state, L has a demanding job, 3 children and we live a solid hour from my parents- and no they wouldn't move closer to us-- my  mother is very set in her ways and she wanted a particular condo in a particular complex and that was that.   IMO, -- as for my sister, it is easy to dutifully call, send cards and flowers at the right times, and proclaim your worry about them when never actually doing anything about it all.   

So fast forward to me just being civil since she lives in CA and I don't have to deal with her much.  She finds my 16 yo dd on FaceBook...she apparently has been posting with Mal and lately even calling her on her cell phone.  (She posts with my old high school boyfriend too..how wierd).   This annoys me because of her history of taking information about me and my family and flaming the fires with my mother somehow about what an inadequate dd I am.   But I let that go because there isn't any way for me to much stop it without causing a firestorm with my mother over THAT.  Now, you have to understand my sister has taken ZERO interest in my family over the years and only sporadically sent the girls something for holidays or for their birthdays-- generally over the top religious in nature which only served to irritate me and illustrate how little she actually knows about them.   So this sudden calling my teen thing...well, irritating.   Even when she visits back east and stays with my parents (1-2 times a year max), she cannot flex her social schedule enough to see them...she always says she wants to, but when given the opportunity, there is always some other plan that takes precedence-- fine with me really, but pertinent to the why are you suddenly calling my teen crap.

Yesterday, I called my  mother-- I do so every week or two, she would NEVER call me or the girls for any reason, and I often wonder if my father drops dead if she'd continue to play the "when will L call me so I can tell everyone how rotten she is because she hasn't called us in XXX days as a dd" game and have the funeral without us.   I got immediately a long littany of how sick she was, how she had pneumonia, and had to be in the hospital even a few days (no, nobody called me of course)-- then the conversation moved onto how my sister had talked to 16 yo dd before she went to exchange trip to France, and how my sister TOLD dd that grandma was in the hospital, and dd apparently did not respond in an appropriately worried and horrified way...so she had to go and tell my mother that so my mother could admonish dd and my parenting of her for her crass uncaring ways as regards her grandmother. 

I also have to add that my mother has made no real effort to have a relationship with either 16 dd or the other girls...oh she will go to JCPenney and buy them a shitload of clothing on sale that they won't even wear, drop it at my front door on the way to a craft fair and run...but as to actually caring about who they are, what they love and giving of herself...nothing.   So to me, why SHOULD dd have much a reaction...the woman is almost a stranger to her, and on top of that, dd doesn't have appropriate reactions to those types of situations...she doesn't really know how and that is the LD (Aspies) rearing its head and yes my mother SHOULD know that.

I am sorry this is so long, but I have no little reasonable perspective these days as it comes to my mother or sister...I don't know if I am being ridiculous or not. 
tlstimson tlstimson 46-50 3 Responses Apr 25, 2011

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Wow.... I have always known that I can't be the only one from a family like this but all my friends have such loving families.. this sounds exactly like my mother and sister. my mother needs to feel needed and superior. My sister is a deadbeat who married a deadbeat.... and my mother loves them and devotes all her time (and money) to them. I am 1 of 5 kids and my other siblings have been in the dog house with me for times and then in the good books when they lose a job, a relationship ends ect...... ie. she is needed to pick up the pieces. I unfortunately am in a good marriage, have, 2 beautiful, smart children and both my husband and I have good jobs.... therefore we are all scrutinized, criticized and never contacted unless they need us at a family event to maintain appearances. I have said many times I need to just break ties to save me from heartache but it is easier said than done. Why do you love a mother that treats you so bad and really show no sign of reciprocal acting those feelings back to you.

I have the same problems in my family. My mother is a martry with Dependant personality disorder (where the passive aggressive comes from), Avoidant personality disorder and obsessive compulsive traits. My sister is Borderline personality disorder with the traits coming from Narcissism. I've had to leave the family, as I have young children and after finding out about the mental illnesses and knowing that they will never be 'normal', I now protect myself and more importantly, my children from people who will never be able to act appropriately. I've also gotten a whole lot of therapy to understand that I will never have a healthy relationship with any of my immediate family members and to cut ties and live a good life surrounded by loving, mentally well balanced people. Hope this helps someone reading this!

So I'm not the only person who has e a crazy family. My sister pretends to be interested in my family (she tells my mom she can't wait to see us), then she doesn't even respond to a wedding invitation for my daughters (both of them). She never calls. The last time I called her, she agreed to go in with me to send our mom flowers for mothers day. She always says she will split the costs, but NEVER does. I have given up even asking for her portion of the cost. I don't even think of her as a sister anymore - just a stranger. Our mom thinks she is wonderful and spends more time with her family than mine. I just don't undertand it - I guess I never will. I am so tired of trying.