My Mother Is So Aloof And Hostile

I always dread visiting my mother because I am never sure how she will be.  Will she be chatty or say three words?  Not want to do anything or do everything.  Get annoyed when I ask her something about what she is doing or tell me a little just to shut me up.  All my life my mother has not been very open or communicative and you would think I would be used to it by now.  She is so closed off emotionally and I really think she does not really care what I do or my brother does.  When either my brother or I try to help with something she gets hostile and angry and pushes us away but if a friend of hers offers to help that is fine.  She rarely shows any kind of emotion be it positive or negative and when I tell her something that I am excited about she barely shows interest. 

There was recently a blow up between my brother and mother which I unwittingly contributed to by asking him to help her with something.  He called to ask about it and she got hostile with him so he hung up on her.  He told me he has had enough of her treating us like crap and I don;t blame him.  She is angry and I often feel that she wishes she did not have kids to deal with (even though we are in our 50"s).  The way I handle it is to spend as little time as I can with her. 
Lemmaloo Lemmaloo
46-50, F
3 Responses May 1, 2012

Thanks so much for the comments. It is helpful to read from others experiences that are similar. In the long run, I am accepting this is how it is and in the short run I hit some bumps. I like what was said about being content to wallow in the mud of life and I believe that is a choice my mother has made and there is nothing I can do to change that. At this stage in my life, (50) I am less patient with this line of thinking but I also realize all I can do is change my reaction to her and the situation. Nothing I can do will change her. Fortunately my husband is supportive in whatever I choose to do and is a great adviser. <br />
In the end, I am glad I live far enough away so that I am not drawn into many drama's but am close enough to be there when necessary. While this sounds like a cop out, it is the reality of the situation. I have tried to be there in the past but felt I was turned away, for whatever reason she may have had. I have to what is best for me and my family so that we can a happy life.

Hello, <br />
<br />
I was just search "aloof mother" and came across this. I don't have any advice. I am 32 years old and my mother is also aloof and seems to regret having kids. We haven't had a rift, but she doesn't call me, ever. She forgets my birthday. I am a high functioning, successful adult, but she shuns me and prefers the company of my sister, who is addicted to drugs.She enables this sister, and seems to enjoy keeping her down. <br />
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Like you, she is disinterested in my successes or joys. She did not attend my induction into my college honor society, my graduation, or my wedding. When I called her to tell her I had a piece that had been published in a national magazine, she said nothing at all. She is very nice to my children and husband, but regards me with the highest amount of disdain. I often see my friends with their mothers, shopping, talking, relating and I think how wonderful it must be to have someone who loves you like that and I feel sorry for myself for a moment. <br />
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But, I also can see that feeling sorry for myself, or feeling upset with my mother doesn't do any good. When those feelings set in, I try to do something nice for someone else, so that something good can come out of a bad situation. And in terms of forgiveness, it is slippery. The only thing that helps me is to think that someone must have treated her very poorly for her to have no love to give to her children. I try to imagine what kind of wound she must have, and then I see that, for all of her shortcomings (she abandoned me shortly after I was born, and then--for reasons I don't understand--she changed her mind and I was given back to her, but she never, never connected with me), she must have done something right, somewhere, because I am able to have many fulfilling and happy relationships. So I just try to be grateful for that, even if whatever caused it was an accident or just the result of her neglect. The end result is good. <br />
<br />
I hope you are able to find peace. I wonder what will happen when she passes away, and how I will feel, but I know I did my best to be inclusive and to help her rise above her demons, but she is happy to wallow in the mud of life.

Just talked to my brother who has also had his last straw with our mother. She has no accountability and after expressing his feelings she still won't apologize for anything! Our relationship has always been rocky, she's great with her grandchildren, but so toxic with us.