2nd Post..

I last wrote a post a year ago, right before I was due to move into an apartment with one of my friends. Things were at breaking point with my mother who would constantly ridicule and argue with me, telling me how little I cared about our family and my younger brothers.
One year and a handful of months later, things are different now.
I moved out on November the 11th 2011 and the week’s leading up to me leaving had been awful. My mother wouldn’t acknowledge the fact I was leaving and hardly said a word to me. On the day that I was packing, my mother was in her bedroom with my four year old brother whom I totally dote on. I had gone to say goodbye to her and to let her know the van was packed. She did not acknowledge what I was saying and instead asked me to fix her hair.
I was busy the first few weeks of being in my new house, I was busy and although we spoke she put pressure on me via text messages and phone calls, telling me how awful I was being for not seeing my brother even though it had been two weeks and I was busy with the new house & working full-time. I would get calls from my then nineteen year old brother, in tears about how she was speaking to him and then the next thing I knew he was calling me alongside her telling me how awful he thought I was. It carried on for a few weeks until eventually it became so bad that she left me a voicemail calling me a c**t and told me that if this was going to be how I treated my family, that I needed watch myself in the street.
After she left me the voicemail I was in shock and cried for a day afterwards. Normally I would retaliate and sent her my piece of mind in a message back but this time I knew that it had to stop.
My mother, myself and my nineteen year old brother had a problematic life, mostly centered around her past boyfriends and my father. My mum was a victim of domestic abuse at the hands of my father. My brother and I were also occasionally beaten and my father seemed not the notice we were in the room when he would attack my mother. Years later, my father would be diagnosed by schizophrenia, my mum nursed him back to a normal mind-set and brought him home. She divorced him six months later.
After my dad there were a few other men that knocked around and my mother was enjoying having her freedom and youth back. I was thirteen/fourteen by this point, my mother was around thirty two and my brother was ten. I spent a lot of time looking after my brother whilst my mum was out working. We had a good life then and a house that she owned, we even got a dog.
Things went wrong about a year later when she a man that was also pshycotic, threatened to chuck her out of a moving vehicle , held her captive in a hotel suite in Tunisia whilst we were on holiday and threatened to kill her at every opportunity he could get. Their relationship lasted for two awful years, when we did eventually get away from him, we found out he had murdered his four week old son. We went to caught and watched him go down for a life sentence for a crime he claimed he did not commit.
My mother’s present partner walked into our lives whilst everything going on, he turned out to be someone that she had dated when she was younger. My mother was still fairly normal by the point, she was still house proud and took care in her appearance.

Her new partner moved us into a house that he owned and my mother lived a good life with him, that ate out a lot, he had a flat on the local docklands that they would both stay in at the weekends and my brother and I were left to get on with it (which we were more than happy with!).
My brother and my mothers partner did not get on, which I suspect was jealousy on both parts. Her partner gave up his flat and moved in with us, during this time my mother fell pregnant and I discovered that my new ‘stepdad’ was a drug & arms dealer who also had an awful crack-cocaine habit.
My brother was born about a year before my ‘stepdad’ went to prison. He was part of a sting operation and ended up selling a gun to a police officer. A few nights before he got caught, my mother had said to me that if we were going to have a raid on the house that my brother and I were to eat the lists that detailed his crimes on them. So when we got the phone call saying that they had been caught, my brothers and I were in the bathroom swallowing paper until we couldn’t breath anymore.
He got sentenced to 9.5 years, my mum was distraught and blamed the police.
We went back to normal for a while, me, my mother and my two brothers. My mums became a recluse, didn’t let people come to the house as it got into a worse state. Eventually the house was repossessed and we moved to the house which my mother lives in now.
Fast forward to last year, when she left me a voicemail. I didn’t speak to her for four months. I still received the texts but was determined that I would get somewhere with how she spoke to me and behaved. I spent the whole of Christmas with my boyfriends family only briefly speaking to my brothers. I missed them all terribly but I knew that it was for the best and I couldn’t have a decent relationship with my mother unless she respected me.
I let her back into my life around February. At first she was fantastic, she wouldn’t push me and wasn’t critical and I actually felt good about how she felt about me. It was a delight seeing my youngest brother again and I spoilt him every week.
Eventually things swung back to their old ways, she became critical, aggressive & would say things to hurt me , usually centred around how little I saw my youngest brother. Her house has gotten into such a bad state that I cant physically go there without wanting to cry. My stepdad is coming out of prison for Christmas and I will be spending it with them this year, I am absolutely dreading it. I had a phone call from my mother yesterday and when I asked her how the house was coming along I got a reply stating that I was the reason that the house was in the state it was (I moved a year & a half ago)
I guess I don’t know how to deal with her and I never will. Being strong is easy but being tolerant isn’t.
Leafylea Leafylea
22-25
Dec 12, 2012