I'm 55 and a 22-year survivor of ovarian cancer. I'm also a 55-year survivor of a passive-aggressive mother. My mom had a pretty tough childhood, and I am sad to know the awful things that happened to her. But it's also sad to realize that she will never get the help she needs to be able to communicate as an adult, nor behave as an adult. She's always going to be a sick little girl, and she's almost 80. She "tattles" on my sibling & me to my dad, embellishing anything we've said that she doesn't like so that he will be "on her side." If we say stuff she doesn't want to hear, she says we are "yelling at her." She's ALWAYS right, and will go to ridiculous lengths to prove it or have "the last word." She makes up stories so that she can "prove" things or "know" things; it's really pathetic. I can remember her really seeming to enjoy punishing me in front of my childhood friends, and even using them to do things to "gaslight" me when I was in elementary school. As a teen, she liked to make fun of me in front of what few friends I had, and always enjoyed giving long, very close hugs to any guys who came to see me. She told me I was beautiful, but in a way that made me feel guilty that perhaps I was. She constantly put herself down, said she was ugly / horrible / fat (even though she was none of these at the time), and then would say I was beautiful. As though I was bad for being that way. I have never, ever though I was beautiful, myself! When I got cancer, she seemed to be selfless in her care and assistance to me, but it was given at a price. She'd sigh about how she & dad couldn't afford this or that because they had to come do something for me, or that they couldn't go on another trip because of me. But then it was "well, you're my only daughter, so of course I want to be here." I had a 12 year remission, then started having chemo again in 2005. She'd go to treatments with me, but again it was "pricey." When she drove me to the clinic, it was as though she had me captive in her car so she could just say whatever the heck she felt like, and she did! She even said to me, when I was losing all my hair for the 2nd time & cried about it, "can't you just get over that, you've been through this before." She's written me nasty letters about my inability with finances, saying that I will probably never have a man to "rescue" me and that I'd better get myself straightened up. She overwhelms me with "kindness and help" (help I really do not ask for) and then I am punished for getting it. When she is angry at me, she will not acknowledge it but instead gets icy, very curt in any verbal interactions, and will not say "I love you." She witholds that as punishment. But if I were to ask "what's wrong?" her answer is usually along the lines of "nothing's wrong with me, is something wrong with you?" Very nasty woman. I hate talking to her about any problems/concerns because I either get a ton of unwanted/unnecessary advice from her, or she waits until she can twist things around and use them against me in the future for some infraction I have committed and won't really know about. I moved to FL to be around for her & my dad as they had a sibling come live with them when he got out of prison from TN & had nowhere else to go. He has lied to them, stolen a great deal of money from them, and they've spent an enormous amount of money on him for legal bills, etc. But for some reason I am always less than my sibling. I get compared to him when I do something they don't like, getting told that "well, when you were like ___" which I've never been! My dad, also, hates anyone to be anything but happy and has actually told me to not cry about certain things, and has physically punished me for doing so. At any rate, I am sick from cancer and the sequelae of all the treatments I've had since 2005, and so tired of dealing with my parents emotional issues and their taking things out on me. Sometimes I feel as tho' I am the only adult in the family! I am considering suicide because I will not be able to afford to stay in my home any longer, I have nowhere to go, no money, no children (that choice was removed by cancer), and nowhere to go. I'm done.
Katsez01 Katsez01
56-60, F
1 Response Aug 28, 2014

Things are never quite as bad as they seem. Please get some help! Is there a help line available to you? Do you go to church - maybe someone there can help you? Can you talk to a friend?
While I don't know what you're going through with the cancer, I know what it's like to have a passive aggressive mother. I know how hard it is to put into words and express what it is a passive aggressive does, I know how frustrating and heart breaking it is, it just wears you down over time. No one knows unless they experience it themselves. It's all the little niggley things that get to you. Sometimes you can take it, other times you can't. It's confusing and can sometimes make you feel like you're going mad. Does this make sense to you? Because that's what my mother has done to all her children, our whole lives.
I'm going through a personal situation myself. I find myself thinking things along the lines of if I died in some kind of accident - it wouldn't be such a bad thing, won't be such a loss. But that's rubbish! Everyone is worth something, we all deserve a chance. You do too. Your house is a material possession, you can't take it with you - you can make do an live your life if that's what it takes to make you better. There are always options too. Crowd funding, help from a charity or charity event, help from a church (even if you don't attend - if you talked to your local priest/chaplain/pastor/rabai) - they could not turn you away, you will get the help you need from somewhere. Keep trying! You can do it.