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Crazymaking

 OMG, I'm so glad I found this group. I've been feeling like nobody in the world can understand how crazy my mother makes me with her passive aggressiveness.  

Once again, she has sabotaged a special day and then refused to take responsibility. I finally wrote her a letter last week baring my soul to her, detailing everything she has done to hurt me, ruin important days, year after year; not wanting to spend time with me; having work be more important to her than I am, but she has flat out told me, "I don't talk about things, I pretend they didn't happen" so I don't ever have recourse to deal with any issue. So I write this letter because I couldn't keep it in any more ... what did I get back? A non-apology apology. "I have never done anything intentionally to hurt you, and I'm sorry for 'whatever I've done' that hurt you. I had a nice time."

Uh, okay. Can't figure out what you've done, can you? Try line paragraphs 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, or 8. All pretty clear. She could not have put less effort or insight into it if it were a census report.

To make matters worse, my sister, who walks on water, sticks her nose in by posting "I love my mom" messages on facebook, obviously pointed at me as if to say "Just tell mom you love her, everything will be fine." I just want to scream. I'm so depressed and so done with it all I don't even know how to express it.

I know this isn't very eloquent, but I think I used up most of my energy on the letter. Maybe I can post that here some time.

Thanks for letting me vent.

EK

ExperienceKitty ExperienceKitty 56-60, F 4 Responses Jan 20, 2010

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I'm so sorry to hear that all of you have similar problems, but it's comforting to know that other people understand what I'm going through. It's been 3 years since I wrote this post and absolutely nothing has changed.

We'll, I don't speak to her as much, and we don't fight as much because I don't take the bait as much, but the older I get the more understanding I have of just how screwed up she has made my life because of this. After I have been manipulated by her, I feel like a battered woman. And now she is ill, she is old, which puts that much more pressure on me to have contact with her. I'm afraid that I, myself, am going to get seriously ill because I'm just so disgusted with dealing with the abuse. That's what it is, abuse.

I understand that it's subconscious, but there is no conscious effort to change anything when I tell her how hurt I am. I so wish there were an actual support group or something, because I think that no one can possibly know what this is like unless they have lived through it.

I agree. My mother can hold a grudge like no other. When I tried telling her how I really feel, she actually laughed at me and turned herself into the victim by saying, "oh and this is my fault?". I get so angry after talking to her...is it worth it?

Do we all have the same mother? Lol! I could of wrote every word I just read here... Thanks for helping me confirm what I thought, that is that I, too, have a passive aggressive mother...

When I try to talk to my mother about things she did that hurt me she either says that whatever it was didn't happen, or it was my fault. She refuses to take responsibility for the things that occurred. She constantly lies to me, and when I confront her she gets all indignant and says are you calling me a liar, hangs up on me, and then won't speak to me.<br />
Last time she apologized she said I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm ******* sorry and hung up. Occasionally she will give a non hostile apology, but it's the kind of sorry that someone who bumps into you in the grocery store would say. I have tried to find out what happened to her growing up to try to find out why she is so irresponsible, etc. I thought this might help me to be more understanding and forgiving, but she gives me nothing.