Can this actually be real? I'm 20 and this is the first time I'm truly researching BPD, my dad showed me an article about it in high school but I thought my mom would always just be beyond any form of diagnosis. When I was in 6th grade I found her first suicide note, and it was the first time I was mentally mature enough to even perceive her instability. It was also the first time I cut myself. Every day of my life was chaos, one minute my mother would be sobbing in my arms threatening suicide and the next would be calling me a selfish child she wished she never had. I came home from school one day and she was sobbing on the floor, over 50 sheets of computer paper with the words "I can't live any more" written on them in red ink and I had to convince her that she shouldn't kill herself and put her to bed, which was only one of many times I've convinced her out of suicide. She went through believing in an array of medical issues that were causing her psychological problems and every year brought a different diagnosis. First it was TMJ (jaw problems), then Seasonal affective disorder, then food sensitivities, then grass and mold allergies, and finally a mold allergy that caused her to actually move out of our house and refuse to ever step into it again. I grew up learning that if you felt anything, it was because the grass count was high or mold was high or you should just take a pill and you will feel better. She had at least 20 different psychiatrists and psychologists and could manipulate them all, and still can, because she can be so convincing with every mood she has. That was the way our household worked. If we didn't devote every second of our lives to her every need then we were the selfish ones and she was the one making all the sacrifices. She never did housework but screamed at us that she wasn't our maid and that we were the cause of all her problems. I have an older brother but he completely shut everything out in favor of video games so I was the constant target of all of my mother's needs and angers. She would need to hug me, lay with me, and cuddle me one second, while also not having any boundaries with nakedness and would walk into my bedroom all the time when i was changing and not think it was a big deal (I suspect sexual abuse in her past), but when I couldn't meet her every need I was a selfish, judgmental, ungrateful ***** she never wanted. She blamed me for her mental illness and for loving my father more than her, and for not convincing him to side with her every issue and treated me like a marriage counselor that should have to fix my own parent's marriage. She told me my dad was a horrible worthless man and tried to turn me against him, but I stopped putting up with that a long time ago. I coped by having to be perfect, because then at least my Dad wouldn't have to worry about yet another burden in his life, which I still can't believe otherwise, and at least everyone else could be happy. I developed a severe eating disorder at the age of 15, started self harming at 11, and still struggle with both along with any other substance that can control my mood. Could she actually have BPD? Do I deserve to believe that I can feel pain about all this? Because i always felt that I shouldn't feel anything because so many people have lives worse off from me and that I should be stronger and not have any problems. I still think I'm weak for having issues and think that I'm overexaggerating my own childhood. I refuse to victimize myself and am not trying to be weak or complain. I just need to know whats normal. And if all of this is actually abusive or if I'm just weak? Because I can't overcome the eating disorder and self harm until I do. I just need to know whats normal.