Conversation With A Narcissist

I recently had to endure another slash to the heart, to my Narcissistic dad. I was hoping that things would change, since I had no connection with him in over 10 years...but nothing has changed.

I was abandoned from birth, and watched this man's abuse until I was 5 years old. That is when my Narcissistic mother took control, and left him. Than I was taught by her to forgive, and to resolve my hurt. So, I did! Than when I was tired of her Narcissistic ways when I was 12 years old, my dad offered my sister and I a new life (trap). Immediately, the mental, emotional, and sexual abuse started. We suffered 2 years of hell! I finally convinced my mother of the horror, and of course to look good in other peoples eyes...she got us back. In 1997 I went and confronted him, and his sins upon us..of course he denied it (but than cried that he did not understand why I would not leave my children with him alone). Than recently I have been working with scripture on "Loving your enemy"...So, I was slowly letting him have contact with me and other family members, through Facebook....This was our last conversation:

(Daughter)
Hate to dredge up the past, but I have a question. How exactly did you and mom meet and where? How long after marriage were my brother and I born?

10:46am
(Dad)
WOW! I was horny and she was horny, do not remember the first time we met, but it was a very short time we were at it. She got PG and we had a shot gun marriage and she missed carried on our wedding night. I did not want children, but by pressure from others I gave in and your mother went off birth control. I was being told that there should not be a great age difference between your older brother and your birth. If I remember your mother was very horny and we had sex the first time we met, but she would most like say different. It was not rite.....why do you ask? I can tell you I did not have to work for it, I should have ran, being a young male....hey it was easy! I had dream that it was bad and it was not going to work out and she would leave me from day one. I do not regret having you guys, but I knew what was going to happen, but had hopes that I could change things. I always hate what she did to me by taking you children from me. I wanted to die, because I collided not do anything to stop her. Every time I found you kids, she go running off. I had to start a new life or I would have die, but God would not take me back home. I should have died for the things I tried. Many time I should have died, but God would not take me. To this day, I know that with a 3/4 ton pickup that hit the side of my car at 70 miles per hour should have killed my, but ripped off the top of the car and flatten the car out and I was laying on the passenger door, with no injuries other than a very small cut lest then a 1/16 of an inch on the side of my head from broke glass.

10:54am
(Dad)
To put it plain, your mother seduced me. It is what it is and it all behind me, and I hold no ill feelings
Sorry, I did not spell check or proof read what I wrote.
Why would you ever ask a question like that?

11:02am
(Daughter)
If you ever want to know how my life was growing up, the movie "The Afflicted" comes pretty close, just no murders. I believe what you are saying, because it makes sense with things I have witnessed her do with other men! It does not shock me! I could tell you horror stories of things, but it won't change things. I am thinking about writing a book, but with fictional people as I know that no one wants me to include names of the real people

11:04am
(Dad)
It is better to forgive and move on, it would only hurt others. God know it all without a book.
I am not proud of the way I was living my life back then and it would be more like a **** movie.

11:07am
(Daughter)
I am not doing it to hurt people, but to use my experience to help others...Like I said, do not plan on using real names. So if I do not use real names, why is there a concern?
I do not plan on getting that explicit

11:09am
(Dad)
How would it help others, this stuff happen every day, it is call sin. It would hurt your mother and if she knew what we are chatting about it would hurt her.
Also your brother and others in the family
Exodus 20:12
Ephesians 6:1-4
Proverbs 30:17 ESV
The eye that mocks a father and scorns to obey a mother will be picked out by the ravens of the valley and eaten by the vultures.
Hebrews 8:12 ESV
For I will be merciful toward their iniquities, and I will remember their sins no more.”

11:19am
(Daughter)
Things I went through does not happen every day, I would recognize it if that was so. It will help the right people, one of the reasons I tried to commit suicide so much, is because how I felt no one else could understand. Wow, I can’t see how you are talking as if I am going to add real names, if it is not real names it is not slander. The only one that is being slandering right now has been you, when all I asked was how you guys met and where, but you got explicit...You are casting stones at me for no reason, except fear of your own past sins. I thought we could have a relationship, I guess not...I don't know why you think I have not forgiven. I will just shut my mouth for now on, and say nothing!

11:23am
(Daughter)
Mocking - present participle of mock (Verb)
Verb
Tease or laugh at in a scornful or contemptuous manner.
Make (something) seem laughably unreal or impossible.
Who is laughing? Or making fun of? Not I!

11:25am
(Dad)
Suicide is a bad spirit. Let the Holly spirit lead you, and write a book or whatever for yourself. The past is the past and what you write will be taken as from your own live even when the names have been changed. If you say it is false, then how can it help anyone one? It has to be true to help someone.

11:28am
(Dad)
The book I could write, wait I did....from the day I was born. We all have our stories. Good and bad! Most is better off not bring it all back up.
I do not know why I still have wedding pictures of your mother and myself. I guess mainly it was part of my life and that maybe someone just might want to see them.
I have old picture of your mom and her family.... why, I just do not know why

11:33am
(Daughter)
I did not say I am suicidal, I said I was in the past...but so were you. I do not like when we talk, you jumble/twist things around, and then throw scripture on it...Than almost every time, you quote things to me as if I am dwelling with an evil spirit...This relationship is not going to work. I do not want an unhealthy relationship! Take care dad!

11:42am
(Dad)
I am sorry about the scripture and I did not mean that you are suicidal. I guess I should not have told you about your mother and I, it was the past. Just do not want you to hurt your Mother, for me, it does hurt and still does, but it all happened and I can live with whatever you do, I love my children. Please remember I did not ask the question. I have lost my family and to most no one cares.

12:08pm
(Daughter)
I did not ask you to be explicit, or slandering...I could have been just told for example: "We met in El Cajon, through a friend so and so, at a friend's house, or social gathering…got married on this date. We care, but do not want someone constantly claiming we are guilty of sin, how lost we are. Have you seen the book of life? Has God told you personally that we are headed for hell? We have not seen you in over 10 years, you expect God to make us all forget about the past (I have, but can’t make others do the same), and how it has affected our family structure today. You are not the only one subject to being cut from the vine, as my kids have witnessed the insanity and have decided on their own what relationships they will have with other family members. They see and hear what they do, and not by me. I never need you to get explicit about our family, I was there for most of it. Even if people don't want to accept it, it happened...I have been listening to all kinds of churches including my own talk about taking things of past bad experiences, and using it for good…That is all I was trying to do...It does help other to know that they are not alone, in a world greatly full of sin.

1:12pm
(Daughter)
No one cares…What am I chop liver? I have been standing in your behalf against those that want to mock you, I have been trying to get others to leave the (Bad) past behind…or at least talk about it with a trained tongue...but no one else, mom, you, or the other kids want to do it without slandering each other…Where is the forgiveness? Where is the love? Where is the respect? Do you go to your friends or pastor with the same explicit detail? I don't think so, still hurt or not...We are to be examples (lights in the world). There are things that still hurt me, and not being able to have a proper relationship with my family hurts most of all...Especially knowing that there are families that are close. They know and respect boundaries, they help each other up when the other is hurting, they don't steal away moments and try to make about them. When they are ill, they help, or stood by their side…but not our family! No, No, they want to treat it as nothing can be done, oh well, well I had to or I went through, deal with it attitudes…or poor me, what I could have done better...That is living in the past. I live for today, as our Heavenly Father tells us to. Would have, could have, should have…I don't live for. I deal with my sins, and I don't blame, point fingers at others and claim it was their fault...I have broken all the commandments in the bible, due to misguidance…but I will not continue in it, and will not say "Well, that is how I was raised…Have pity on me, I can’t help myself! In fact most people get freaked out about my honesty, because if I am sinning…I raise my hand and take account for it, no matter what it is! Even here where I live, the 911 dispatch and authorities know that when I call, they better respond. As I have on numerous events called them on myself, even in the act. The only reason most people don't hang around me, is because I am so real with truth…They are afraid, I might expose their dirty little secrets, so they don't even get close to me. I call it for what things are, and in my home ALL take responsibility for their actions, and I treat ALL my children the same (none better than the other). I buy them things, even if in my eyes they don't deserve it...because I will not have jealousy, nor will I play my children against each other. When my daughter or son-in-law are disciplining their child, I respect their decision with a quiet mouth. If I disagree, it is never in front of the child. I will not cause my grandchildren to dishonor their parents and will not give them reason too. Foul mouths are not permitted in my home, or violence of any kind. If I do discipline my children, it is for sliding into the improper behavior according to scripture. I talk with my kids though, and a way that is not insulting, but very understandable...Usually with parables! I do not want to close off our relationship, but you tell me how you are walking with God, yet say things that make me very leery!
Friday

8:11am
(Dad)
I am full poison (daughter), you are right. I also after late night realize the type of love, agape love, I will not ever get from my family or friends.
It is too late!
The type of family has only been in my dreams like the one on TV.
Facebook cannot bring "Agape Love".
My children and grandchildren or any will able too.
I am a name only in "title" and even you, have not lived with me long enough to really know me. Only God really knows me and my heart.
I will be fading into time now as I wait on the Lord.
Agape Love is not to be found in the end times.

8:45am
(Daughter)
That is wrong, and here it goes again…I gave you agape love and you won't accept it...you only care about those that won't talk to you, I was never treated truly like a daughter or sister by any of our immediate family...But I gave agape love all the time, to all of you. Loving someone does not mean I have to be abused mental, physically, or emotionally by anyone...I want God to reach down so badly to resolve our family break up…I have for 45 years! I remember the problems our family faced even from when I was really little, it has been engraved into my thoughts from the unhealthiness of it. I remember who was favored most, and who was not (what was said and done)...because of untrained tongues, or whatever wickedness they were going through. When you go through a certain amount of trauma for so long, you just can’t erase it as if it was on a tape recorder. I have reason to proceed cautiously when having a relationship, even with you. Our Heavenly Father has trained me well, in guarding myself. When I choose to not talk to one of the family, it is because I am to walk away from what might contaminate my soul with the wickedness that I want to stay away from. I walk away, when someone tries to lead me into anger. I watch every word that comes from me, before I even say it. I think always "Would my Heavenly Father be upset about this?" I research it too...and if I don't know what our Heavenly Father thinks about it, I keep my mouth shut. I am not a game player of wickedness, hate wickedness, any form of it! I stand my ground about it too, and people who know me know this and appreciates it. I will not accept sin to be loved!
Seen Fri 8:48 AM
godslilsandy67 godslilsandy67
41-45, F
Jan 5, 2013