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My Horrific Tale Of Surviving A Malignant Narcissistic Mother From Hell And Why I Hate Her!!!

Ever since I joined this site I have went back and forth in my mind on whether I wanted to share this story with all of you or not. The main reason is that it is of such a delicate,intense, and very private nature. I didn't know If I felt comfortable enough in my own skin to expose myself in this way or not.I'm not even sure if something like this has ever been shared on this website before. Its excruciating just for me to type it let alone have to rehash it all over again. I do find writing to be quite therapeutic and I do feel that this is part of my healing process.

Telling my story will be soul "elevating" for me.I feel that I want to empower the people on this site but mostly women. And you will soon understand why women are the reason for my sharing my personal experiences with a malignant narcissistic mother.If my story is able to to help just one person change their life through empowering them with knowledge for the better then Im all for it! And I will be utterly elated if that is the outcome.Knowledge is power! And can be the catalyst to amazing changes and transformations!It is my story/journey of what I have endured at the hands of a malignant narcissistic mother.

Growing up as a child I never ever felt loved by anyone. I always intuitively knew that their were family secrets involving "me" but of course wasn't privy to them until much later on in life. I never knew just how devastating those secrets would be for me. And that those secrets embodied lies that would answer a lot of my questions I've had for a good deal of my life. I distinctly remember growing up and feeling more like an object than a person/human being. I actually remember both of my parents objectifying me throughout my whole relationship with them.

My mother was doing this to me because of being a narcissist and my father was merely mimicking her sick behavior.I remember being ignored a lot and that my feelings or needs were insignificant compared to my brothers or anyone elses. We had dogs that were better treated over the years than me!My brother is 4 yrs younger than me. He was the golden child to her as is usual with the narcissistic mother. She usually does pick just one child and dotes on that child. They can do no wrong and they get everything they want and need period!

You however get nothing but abuse in all its shapes and forms. You even get thrown into the hands of your molester (my grandfather aka fathers father). Because it is their job to inflict as much pain as possible and inflict pain is what they do well. I remember asking my grandmother if I was adopted around the age of 7. I couldn't understand why my relationship with my mother was so abusive and unloving. I actually thought I had been adopted because I never fit in. I never felt accepted,loved,respected,nurtured,or appreciated by my mother when growing up.

My father always felt obligated to take her side even though their were times when he knew she was flat out wrong. He told me once that he was married to her and that he had no choice but to go along with what she wanted otherwise she would make his life a living hell for it.I did know back then that this behavior was wrong on both their parts. I just didn't understand why I was being treated so badly.And why my brother got all the love,nurturing,acceptance,respect, and appreciation over the years. Why was I viewed and treated as the "pariah" of the family?

Well first of all I wouldn't find out that answer until many years later. (I was 22 yrs old and just married in July of 1993)When I was visiting my family during Christmas and newly married. My husband was there when this very critical and important part of the piece of the puzzle was revealed. My mother had wrapped several gifts the night before we were to have a family party. We as a family opened our gifts and I see that my mother has given me a dust buster for Christmas. Wow ok is she trying to send me a message or what? How narcissistic and abusive can you get?

I by the way am a clean freak and am very organized. My husband and son call me the clean freak. In this box along with the dust buster is suppose to be an electric pair of scissors. Which looks pretty cool but isn't actually in the box. I know that if I don't bring this up right now it will be swept under the carpet as usual and my feelings and needs will once again be ignored. So I mention to my mother that the scissors are missing and does she know where they are? She says NO. The next day which is the day after Christmas my aunt comes over along with the rest of our entire family to play cards, have dinner, and exchange gifts.

This aunt is also one of my mothers sisters. She opens her gift and what do you know she gets a pair of electric scissors for Christmas from my mother. They are the same exact pair that was suppose to be part of my original gift but were missing from my box. I turn to her and say btw those were suppose to be mine but my mother decided to give them to you instead by taking them out of my box without telling or asking me if it were ok to do so. I told her that it was ok for her to keep them as I didn't want them.

I say to my mother why did you take the pair of scissors out of my box without first asking me if it were ok? My father flips out screaming at the top of his lungs....you are the one s**** that had to make it past your mothers sponge and to the egg. You just had to f****** be born didn't you!?!?!? You were an accident and we didn't want you!!!!And this mind you is in front of MY entire family. All of my uncles,aunts,cousins,grand parents, plus my husband as well. I was completely and utterly mortified and in total shock! In that moment everything came rushing back in my mind about why I was treated so badly.

I suddenly and quite finally had my answer. And this is the treatment I get for standing up for myself! It all made perfect sense as to why I felt the way I did. And also why all of the abuse. Fast forward a few years later and my mother says to me that she poisoned me on purpose with wine tainted breast milk. She says she didn't want me and didn't want to take care of me. So that's why she decided after she brought me home from the hospital that she would get very drunk on wine.

And then breast feed me (her newborn infant) in order to effectively knock me out for 24 hrs plus so she wouldn't be burdened with having to care for me. This was answer #2 for me because I wanted to know why I have had a non verbal learning disorder all my life. I struggled badly throughout my whole school career because of it and still do to this day. As shes telling me this info she is cackling like a witch and hysterically laughing and enjoying/feeding off of my pain. Much like a vampire would. Narcissists enjoy inflicting pain and they also enjoy witnessing your reaction to it as well.

Malignant is the worst kind!!! You do have to ask yourself what kind of mother would do this to their child?My wedding day was also an absolute nightmare! She made sure to turn off our air conditioner in our house while my husband and I were out preparing/hair and nails for our wedding. This totally pissed my husband off! We had our reception in our home.And we had around 65 to 70 guests coming.It was to be 105 that day and we set a record for the hottest day in several decades.

She asked me if there were anything I needed her to do while we were gone and I said she could set a few small tables. Of course when we get back its not done. She also went out of her way to wear an ALL lace cream/white dress that had pearl buttons going from one end to the other. It looked like a freaking WEDDING DRESS!!! I'm thinking whose getting married today and WHOM is the BRIDE????And she bought ALL of my jewelry as replicas so she could look just like me!!! This pissed me off so badly! I asked her to wear something else and to not wear the jewelry.

Yup you guessed it she said NO. She was also conveniently for her 2,000 miles away at my house when this went down at the last minute. So there was no changing into another dress.She was always trying to compete with me over the years including my own wedding day. If I had to do it all over again I wouldn't have invited them at all.I remember as a teenager she would say to me that she wished I could fit into her size 7 clothes so that she wouldn't have to waste extra money buying me a BIGGER size! It was always her way or the highway!

I also remember another time her and I were walking outside when these two men in a car drive by and whistle. I say to her hey mom those guys just whistled at us. She says to me oh no no no...insert my name here....they wernt whistling at you they were whistling at me!!! She always had a knack for putting me down and making me feel like s***. She made me break up with a boyfriend in High School just because he didn't make enough money. He worked at a sawmill and was a very hard worker! He was a very nice man and money isn't important to me. Marrying for love is!

And that's what I did.When I was 15 I told my family for the second time that my grandfather was molesting me. This time they finally listened to me. They put me in therapy after the cops showed up at my junior high clearing the classroom that I was in. They questioned me about my grandfathers involvement with me aka molestation. I told them that he had been molesting me since I was 4 yrs old.They wanted to know if their was anyone else and I told them the neighbor girls would come over to get candy from him.

I didn't know who they were at the time but I was sure he was molesting them as well. He was bragging to me about the pretty girls that lived on his block and that he was friends with them. That they used to come over to his house and get candy from him.I remember stopping my grandfather from grooming my brother. We were down in the basement of my grandparents house when my brother found a whole box filled with **** magazines. I told my brother to put those back effectively stopping him that time from doing anything to my brother. I think I was around 8 back then and my brother was 4.

I remember when I was in therapy at the age of 15 and my girl cousin said to me if I wasn't such a tomboy none of this would have happened to me.And if I had stayed home and cooked and baked instead with my mother he wouldn't have molested me.That essentially it was my fault for being molested! Well guess what it was absolutely NOT my fault! I loved fishing and went often as a child. I picked up a chair right after she said this to me in front of my fathers family. And tried to crash it over her head and my father stopped me just in the nick of time.

I know that violence doesn't solve anything but dammit I was very irrate with her at saying what she said about me and the situation with my grandfather. I remember my father disowning his father for a period of about 6 to 8 months. Then one day he said he needed his father back in his life and poof he was right back at trying to molest me all over again. He would say things like hmm insert my name here...your *** is getting fat and you need to lose some weight. This is while he is sitting 20 feet from behind me and I'm sitting on the floor watching TV at MY house.

I went and told my mother and she said...oh just stay in a different room than he is in and ignore him.Totally cold and non supportive! I got mad and went to get my keys to my car as I was 16 and earned the money myself to buy it. I remember going down across town as far as I could get. I pulled over and just sobbed nonstop for a couple of hrs. Nobody was protecting me! They were clearly putting their own selfish needs ahead of mine aka the victims. They didn't care that he was still molesting me and at 16! My mother another time made me go to his house with him alone.

He lied to me and told me he had forgotten something at his house and wanted me to go with him. So I went and he tried it again. I went running out of the house and walked home.My mother says to me in response to this episode...oooh....insert my name here....your grandfather loves you and only wanted to give you a kiss...wtf...a tongue kiss...yeah I dont think so. Do you see just how abusive a narcissistic mother can be? Third question is finally answered right after I told my family about my grandfather. At the age of 15 I also finally got my period. I was a late bloomer.

Due to the extreme stress I was under in dealing with what happened to me, when I got my period for the first time I also received something else. I remember I was in Junior high and I was walking home clear across town that day. It was a very HOT day. I remember my legs rubbing up against each other as I walk home. Im in extreme pain from hell and I dont know why!!! I barely make it home and crumble to the floor of my parents living room. They are sitting there and I tell them I need to go to the doctor right away. Interestingly enough my mother takes me to the exact doctor that delivered me as well.

He says I need to go to a gynecologist after showing him my private area. I then go to my mothers gynecologist and they take a culture of the spot on my private area. Two weeks later it comes back positive for Herpes!!! Now listen to this intriguing part of the story. The doc says to my mother that I am a virgin but that I could have given a guy a blank. Mind you I'm 15 a VIRGIN and NOT allowed to date till I'm 16. And then when I am able to date I don't until I'm 18. I then lost my virginity to my boyfriend at the age of 19.And the first and only man I have ever given a blank to is MY husband!!!

I ask you how the hell does a VIRGIN get herpes given ALL of those facts??? This is the absolute truth!!! I finally find out the rest of this story and how I got it later on in my late 30's!!!Growing up as a teenager and not understanding what the hell has happened to you. Feeling so devastated and thinking your whole life is over. That no man will ever want you. Feeling like a total freak!!! And feeling also suicidal back then. I am on the phone one evening on a 3 way call with both of my mothers sisters aka my 2 aunts. The one aunt says hey I need to tell you something.

She says your parents should have told you this a long time ago but because they havn't I feel obligated to tell you. She says that while my father was in Vietnam he had sex with several prostitutes. Meanwhile my mother was 8 1/2 months pregnant with me at the time. He comes home because its getting close to the due date. My father had sex with my mother and gave her Herpes. She then freaks out and calls my aunt to come to Virginia where my father is stationed at. She says she is in a total panic and doesn't know what to do. She has a BIG outbreak down south and is very worried about it.

She tells her about the fight they had involving the hookers in Vietnam and that she got Herpes from him. My aunt saw the actual Herpes outbreak! And there is no reason why my aunt would lie to me especially when the other aunt is backing up the whole story while on the phone with me. The other aunt then says oh yeah we have known all this time while you were growing up including your grandmother! We just thought that your parents would have told you by now. Now Im getting really incensed!

Because my mother would lie to me and tell me that my father gave her something but that it was curable in other words that it wasn't herpes. And then she would also put me down for being diagnosed with it and treat me like s***. Meanwhile all the while she HAD it and is the one that gave it to me!!!! Hypocrite...can you spell Hypocrite...? What a despicable human being she IS!!! She used to come in while I was taking baths and anxiously ask am I done. And when I was done she would come rushing in with a BIG pot of boiling water, an industrial sized scrub brush, and thick rubber gloves.

As soon as I was done she would seize the bath tub and disinfect it thoroughly. She wanted to make sure that nobody else would get what I have. She hid this from me. The truth that would have set me free and allowed me to feel somewhat normal. Instead I grew up feeling like a total freak and was actually suicidal because of her LIE/SECRET!!!I was so very depressed and all alone!!! Do you know that herpes can be found on your lips and inside your mouth.My mother actually would push me away as a young child when I tried to kiss her because she had sores on her face and lips.

This is something I wasnt able to piece together until much later on in life. I connected the dots when my aunts got involved.Herpes Simplex 1 can be spread downstairs as well via kissing and oral sex. Even if you don't have an outbreak you can still give it to your partner because you are constantly shedding the virus. Genital herpes infection is common in the United States. Nationwide, 16.2%, or about one out of six, people aged 14 to 49 years have genital HSV-2 infection.

Also I believe if my math calculations are correct...16.2% of the US population(US pop...311 million people as of December 2011) would be roughly 49 million infected people with!!! If you are at all interested in more detailed info please visit the CDC website.This is why I HATE my mother and father!!! My mother called me at the end of last year because of a female cousin that died. She tried to use her death to get back in to my life. This is when I confronted her about Herpes. (She recently and finally sent me HER final testament and will papers taking me out of the will as I directed her to do...because I dont want anything from her period!!!

She said some really sick and demeaning false things in that paperwork attacking me like she always does! Essentially showing her true colors! Boy did that **** her off! The fact that Im not money hungry and selfish like she is!)She did not dare deny the story because she knows that she would get one nasty call from her sisters if she did. They would certainly set her *** straight! She didn't accept my anger or how I felt. My father didn't deny the story either. You want to know why because they know its the truth!!!

But my father wants to blame it all on my mother and say she was a ***** while she was pregnant with me. That she screwed some stranger and thats how she got it. No it couldn't possibly be because you were screwing hookers while in Vietnam!!! This is how damned ignorant my father is....he says that all of the hookers he was with were clean and didn't have any STD's because he watched them clean themselves right before they had sex with him and oh he wore a condom!!! WTF!!! I tried to explain it to him but he is in denial and doesn't want to deal with the ramifications of his own actions.

What else is new about that...not damned much. Btw my father also tried to kill me on my HS graduation day because my mother lied to him. She told him that I tried to run her over with my car. How am I supposed to do that if Im backing down the driveway AWAY from her? He beat me so badly after she lied to him that he put 57 bruises all over my body from my ankles to my neck!!! I had hand marks/strangulation marks on both sides of my neck. I graduated by myself after having a girlfriend and her mother pick me up at my house.

The majority of my bruises were hidden by my gown but I could not hide the tears streaming down my face as my classmates are asking me what is wrong. Right before they showed up my father trapped me in the basement and I had a butcher knife in my hand. I told him that if he took one step further that I would kill him!!! He turned around and went back up the stairs. I tried calling 911 and my mother picked up the phone saying your not going anywhere!!! I spent what was to be my graduation party in the police station.

S******* down and they took pics of my whole body while I filled out paper work to file an assault and battery charge against my father.To escape my horrific parents I had to drop the charges and I flew out to the east coast to be a nanny.I recently stopped talking with my father because my father is a raging alcoholic and chain smoker. All he cares about is his new wife which is an alcoholic and chain smoker as well.My father has lied to me and betrayed me as often as my mother has! He passes out while Im talking to him on the phone.

He then mixes major pain pills with lots of alcohol and they have to call 911 because he has stopped breathing. He has had two strokes because of my mother screwing his best friend for 5 yrs. He shouldn't be drinking period!I cant be victimized by him anymore. I'm done!!!During this whole time growing up even my brother was against me and loved every minute of what happened to me. And what he got out of it as well. He would sneak into my room and take my lipstick/lipgloss and bite it off putting teeth marks in it. And he would also steal my audio cassettes and tape over them with his music.

He also stole my id bracelet I got from my grandmother for being confirmed/confirmation in our church. It was a really nice sterling silver bracelet with my name on it. He took that and sanded my name half off of it effectively destroying it. I found it in his room. Told my parents about it and they excused his behavior away and said it was ok just like all the rest of it. I was always being blamed for stuff I didn't do but that he did do. I also don't speak to my brother because he is highly abusive and a drug addict!!!

I am very aware of the need to protect myself and my son.My mother also tried to blame me for getting Herpes and accusing my grandfather of giving it to me just for the sheer fact because he had molested me. I told her NO back then as a teenager that he hadn't actually had sex with me. He only touched me with his hands. He tried to kiss me and I pushed him away so that he couldn't. She was looking for a scapegoat instead of owning up to what had really happened!!! She doesn't care about how much damage this has done to me or my life either.

HERPES does NOT define me and who I am!!! Its only a virus.!HERPES does not define me anymore than CANCER defines a CANCER patient or HIV defines an HIV patient. It is an unfortunate reality for some of us!I really wish that people would stop and think before they say and do things to one another. It really does have a lasting affect on a persons psyche/life. I wish we lived in a world/society where people didn't judge each other and could actually see past who you are and into your SOUL.

And that they could then be treated with respect and unconditionally loved for who they are instead of who they arent. **I wish that the majority of people in our society could practice acceptance rather than rejection of others that are different than themselves.** **People fear what they do not understand!!!** I do want to thank those of you here on this website for taking the time to read the story of my life. I also thank you in advance for your support and kindness.I'm really hoping that this info I have shared with all of you some how helps someone. If but one person it helps it will have been all worth it. Lots of Love and Peace to All....Be Well...:)


PS I have alot of compassion and empathy for others around me. I understand and sympathize with more people and their situations than you might think. I DO NOT judge or discriminate against others as I don't feel that anyone has the right to judge another accept for God himself! I try always to treat others the way I would want to be treated back aka the golden rule.But I cannot and will not tolerate a person to abuse me in any way shape or form regardless of who you are or what youve been thru in life!!!

I've been around totally normal people,sexually abused people, drug addicts,alcoholics,out of control gamblers,retarded/challenged people,Breast Cancer/Prostate Cancer/Colon Cancer relatives and friends, kidney disease,Priapism,Diabetes,learning disabilities,COPD/Empyzema,prostitutes,criminals/felons,mentally ill people/Bipolar/ADD/ADHD/NPD/SPD/OCD,PTSD,anxiety/panic disorder/depression/molesters,rapists,deaf children and adults, gay/lesbian,straight,bi,people with Herpes,HPV,HIV, people of most religions/muslim,etc etc etc...

And they all have one thing in common and that is that they are all HUMAN and just want to be LOVED!!! Some times this is not possible for certain individuals to go on having a relationship let alone a healthy relationship with some of these individuals. Because their individual situations prevent that from happening. Their individual realities are not conducive in making it work.

PPS I recently found out some new info about my father and mother. My father was raped by his brother when he was a teenager. His brother aka my uncle was in the Navy and would come home and rape my father whom was a teenager at the time. My mother forced my aunt to perform oral on her when they were younger. There is evidence that my mother was either raped or molested by her father.

PPPS I also want to say that I feel that just because I was a virgin when my herpes decided to surface does NOT make me any better than someone who actually got it thru having sex or was raped and got it that way. Only different circumstances is all. Btw I am on 800 mg of Acyclovir per day (Two 400 mg tabs) to suppress my outbreaks. And Within the last 3 yrs of working with an outstanding OBGYN/Gynecologist I have been able to cut down on my outbreaks quite substantially by taking a birth control pill called....YAZ...it stops me from having a period hence the period is what was triggering my outbreaks...aka...hormonal fluctuations. I also take vitamin C every day to keep my immune system up. I used to get outbreaks monthly for decades and now Im only getting them once or twice a year if even that.

*You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, "I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along." You must do the thing you think you cannot do.

Eleanor Roosevelt, Activist You Learn by Living
defdevestated defdevestated 41-45, F 18 Responses Sep 8, 2012

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Thank you for sharing your story. It has helped me so much. It has inspired me to want to share my own story. I went through very similar things as you, and I know the strength it takes to survive everyday. I've suffered in silence for 32 years. 32 years in Hell. I grew up an only child with my mom. And then went to live with my Grandfather when I was 14, when my mother's abuse was too much. However, I was molested by my Grandfather. Which started when I was 7. I was practically handed over to him on a platter. I was left in his care by my mother on many occations. Which he sexually abused her and raped when she was young. I to got herpes from my grandfather orally. :( Which I could not share with anyone until you shared your story. I thank you again for sharing your story. I know your pain. I hope you find healing. I'm trying to do the same. Sometimes I feel like I'm just scratching the surface and feel like I'm drowning. I often feel so alone in this screwed up world. You make me feel I'm not alone anymore. Xo

got2Breal,

Thanks so much for your kind words and comments. I do however want to let you know that it was NOT my grandfather whom gave me herpes but my parents. I am pasting the original part of this story down below. I do understand how certain info can be overlooked or misunderstood so no worries at all. If you would like to send me a message and talk with me please do. You are NOT alone at all and I do understand how you feel because it mimicks how Ive often felt. And your very welcome indeed. I hope you too find healing. I am currently in therapy and dont know if it will help me or not since Ive been in and out of therapy for many years. Im currently trying to find a way to stop myself from being triggered from my past memories aka PTSD. I hope you have a wonderful weekend and hope to chat with you soon. This world is BIG and screwed up in so many ways but its alot easier to digest when you have someone in your corner putting a smile on your face and completely able to relate to you at the same time. BIG hugs and Be Well...Def...:)

I am on the phone one evening on a 3 way call with both of my mothers sisters aka my 2 aunts. The one aunt says hey I need to tell you something.

She says your parents should have told you this a long time ago but because they havn't I feel obligated to tell you. She says that while my father was in Vietnam he had sex with several prostitutes. Meanwhile my mother was 8 1/2 months pregnant with me at the time. He comes home because its getting close to the due date. My father had sex with my mother and gave her Herpes. She then freaks out and calls my aunt to come to Virginia where my father is stationed at. She says she is in a total panic and doesn't know what to do. She has a BIG outbreak down south and is very worried about it.

She tells her about the fight they had involving the hookers in Vietnam and that she got Herpes from him. My aunt saw the actual Herpes outbreak! And there is no reason why my aunt would lie to me especially when the other aunt is backing up the whole story while on the phone with me. The other aunt then says oh yeah we have known all this time while you were growing up including your grandmother! We just thought that your parents would have told you by now.

got2Breal,

Here is the other part of that story about how I got HSV1. Sorry I cant go back and add anything to my original response to you.

My mother actually would push me away as a young child when I tried to kiss her because she had sores on her face and lips.

I didnt know back then that what she had present on her face and lips was indeed HSV1. What young child would know anyway. So my mother got both HSV1 and HSV2 from my father and then in return gave both to me.

I am so sorry, I have a similar situation, and the funny part is that I thought at times I was adopted too. And my dad is an enabler as well, and does say the same things my dad say to me....

I just try to breathe and take one day at a time. Thats all any of us can do. Im in therapy now and probably will be for a long time because of my NPD mother, alcoholic father, and molester grandfather. I hope you have found love and moments of peace. I take whatever I can get because I know life is very short and happiness is fleeting. Hope you have a lovely evening and thanks for posting. Be Well, Def

Your story is amazing
It's very similar to mine...my grandma bought me new large red scissors from another country and my malignant narcistic mother has had these nasty fungus on her feet.She always picked her feet or cut the dead skin off her feet and pile dead skin on the bed or floor.She took my brand new scissors without my permission and spoiled my scissors by using them for her feet.She said to me hey don't use these scissors I bought them for my feet!I felt hatred towards her...

I'm so glad god blessed me with an amazing mother! She is beautiful, jus like my father. There is so much love in our house! My godly mom is my best friend and always will be. I can tell her anything :) I am a Christian and she is catholic but nonetheless, she's an amazing mother :) she's fun and we sing and laugh all the time! I have disabilities and I live at home and love it :) parents are truly amazing gifts from god! We go on vacations, and have family fun nights all the time :) they just threw me an amazing 3oth birthday for me too! Thank you mom for being such a wonderful mom :)

I am very happy to find out those things she do
are HARAM! And I don't just mean the obvious
things like lying or molesting, but also treating
her children DIFFERENT golden child/scapegoat
is completely and utterly HARAM OOOH she's in
Trouble!!! Fear God N-woman! Btw, about you...
in giving you a gift before she actually gave it to
it wasn't yours :p... so no the scissors were not
'supposed' to be yours, I bet she planned it that
way right when she got the box to divide it. ...II...

Thank you so much for your kind words and support. I think she indeed did plan alot of stuff including the scissors thing. defdevestated

you are an amazing person for enduring and surviving and especially for your heartwrenching honesty and being so brave to tell/relive your horrible childhood. and also for breaking the cycle of violence lack of empathy and perhaps self loathing that seems to define your parents and others in your family's personalities. i know that a dysfunctional family can be so painful but mine was nothing compared to what you went through and my heart goes out to you and I wish you peace and love as you go forward in your life.

Thank you so much for your kind words and support. It means more than you know. Be Well...I too wish you peace and love. defdevstated

In a perfect world, we would have some way to screen for such cruelty in a person long before a pregnancy. My own mother comes from a similar mold and the world would be much improved had she been prevented from procreating. Thanks for bravely speaking the unspeakable; the secret shames that your family imposed upon your person. I had to cut my losses with my own and essentially walk away from the lot of them. After lots of counseling, I found good people who sort of filled in the empty places and became a sort of surrogate adopted family. Be blessed.

You are very welcome indeed. I speak for myself and for those whom have no voice. I also think that you can learn alot from life and its experiences. Its how you choose to deal with them that is most important. Im so happy for you that you have found an adopted family of sorts to help fill in the empty places in your heart/life...Thats very well worth it to have love and support from people that support you and GET u...I personally will never have my father, mother, or brother in my life along with the rest of my relatives...Their very unhealthy and dysfunctional people. I know I deserve better and I move forward into a better and happier life. Life is about quality NOT quantity! Happy Holidays and a BIG hug to you. Be Well...defdevestated

If she didn't procreate u wouldn't be here :)
Or, u may yes would but u wouldn't be you

Thank you first for your kind words however I was an accident and NEVER asked to be born nor did I ask for my parents to give me "genital herpes" and brain damage aka a learning disability. Remember this my mother didnt want me and poisoned me by feeding me breast milk that was more WINE than milk if you know what I mean. She did this on purpose because she didnt want to take care of me. She knocked me out for 24 hrs +...I dont know why Im here All I know is that my mothers sponge failed and poof Im here. I dont know what my purpose in life is. I do know that my birth saved my fathers life because his helicopter went down in Vietnam two weeks after he left to come to the US to see me born....Everyone on that helicopter DIED!!! He lived! And then he came home and gave my mother herpes and then she gave it to me when I was born a few days later. Some times I actually secretly WISH I was someone else and had different parents aka different life. My parents didnt deserve me period! Hope you have a wonderful day and thanks again for your kind words. BIG hug. Be Well. defdevestated

PS. Please dont take what I said the wrong way. I am only letting you know exactly how I feel in reference to what you said to me...

Wow, yes I see what you mean... it's disturbing to me
that you wish you're someone else. I wish you will find
peace one day. Because in all honesty I like YOU exactly
you just as you are. You mentioned you're married, and
you have children (right?), and your husband loves YOU
and sO do your children. I wish you'll open up your eyes
and see all the blessings God gave you. I know why you
are here and if given the chance I'd share that with you,
but not in public forum I mean ... your mom is WRONG
yes, but I hope you can move on. You're here after all:)
Come on let's move forward. She'd be sooooo jealous
hehe ... but then again let's not make it all about HER!
It's now about YOU, yeay ! You're free !! Come on :D !!!

I know you mean well ennyenny but you are missing some perspective. Many survivors here have had to keep their story bottled up for years in silent shame and suffering. Your "get over it and move on, isn't God great!" response doesn't inspire or encourage the original poster who has endured unimaginable cruelty and has taken the time to pour her heart here. It's like you didn't hear her.

She survived a painful tortuous abusive childhood that left her emotionally, educationally, professionally hobbled. So she gets to enter a race against uninjured runners and better yet, her legs are gone, thanks to momma. Your cheering "go run" isn't this great the way you are in this race (and clearly in last place because you have no damned chance of winning or even finishing before nighfall), is rather unsettling and not grounded in reality. It seems as if you'd like to pretend her injuries aren't there and pretend she's not an amputee who's body started out perfect but soon after birth she was almost murdered by her own mother. It's a taboo subject, bad mothers, but it needs to be addressed if we are to move forward as a society and end the wanton agony and suffering that is passed down from one generation to the next.

Hene my solid stance: Do not produce and bear children into a world unless you have adequately done your groundwork and built a solid, safe, nurturing, stable home with at least two loving committed parents. There is no excuse for accidents.

She said she some times wishes she's someone else.
And I disagree that there's a "race" or life is a race. I
believe life is a TEST not a race. And I being one of
those amputees mYself can cheer on other amputes
in winning the (NOT race but) TEST since apparently
her mother is a failure of this TEST, the hope is that
an amputee CAN defeat our enemy. Plus I think her
mom is waY more handicapped than her. ...Peace...

I believe that life is indeed a race/journey! I dont think its disturbing at all to some times want to be "someone else". Growing up as a child I wish I had parents and family that loved me unconditionally, cared,respected,nurtured, or cherished me just one scintilla! I didnt have any of that. This is why I some times feel that I wish I was someone else so that I could have experienced the good and positive side to parents rather than the latter. I will NEVER know how it feels to have parents and family in my life that are HEALTHY period! My parents and family are DEAD to me and will never be allowed to be around myself, my husband, or my son!!! For very damned good reasons that were referenced in the above life story of my narcissistic mother!!!! I will NEVER be able to forgive the cruelty,immeasurable abuse, and both physical and mental damage my parents have done to me! I am still angry as HELL!!! This website has been very healthy/healing and quite empowering for me as well as a thought provoking experience for me. I think that life is about quality NOT quantity...Life is one BIG learning experience and has many life lessons to teach us if we are reading and willing participants. As far as the "blessings" in my life you are wrong to want me to open my eyes and to appreciate my blessings. My eyes have been wide open for a large part of my life and I do indeed appreciate ALL of the blessings god has given me over the years. I feel that it is very disturbing and really sad for you to assume that I dont acknowledge my blessings and that I need to open my eyes to them.My husband, son, in laws, and my surrogate sis on here are all very much appreciated and are ALL huge blessings in my life and always will be. Thanks so much for your thoughts.

Oh wow. sorry for reminding you to look at blessings.
Sheesh I just won't talk anymore how's that? Pretend
as if I never uttered anything. Or lmk how to delete ?
I DISAGREE life is a race as I said. The way I see it we
are all ON THE SAME SIDE. So if I am an enemy to u
well then I am out of this toxic relationship. ...Peace...

ennypenny, first of all, why are you getting so annoyed? The best revenge is to just count your blessings and walked away smiling because, hey, you're here! :) You're free! :) Don't go away mad... just go away! :D Go whistle a happy tune, and please don't feel the need to post anymore because, according to your own logic, that would be making your life about us!!! Also, while you're at it, count your blessings in life.
If your house is ever robbed, I hope the cops to whom you report your misfortune also take the time to remind you to smile and count your blessings because, hey, you're still alive! Child abuse is a crime, and her mother is a criminal who subjected her to 18 years of suffering, when other mothers were there to comfort their children and reduce suffering... in case you're wondering why she's not all smiles. Your solution to her problem is probably also her mother's solution: "Forget it ever happened". After all, thanks to complete amnesia, all kids turning out the same is the best revenge for a lifetime of abuse, right? Good things parents need no longer worry how they treat their kids, as it will never return to haunt them. Of course, we're not buying it. You've clearly never been in her shoes, and yet, even given that, your lack of empathy is astounding. Please just go preach at mothers who've lost their children to war about why they should throw a party.

Your DEMAND for empathy and sense of entitle-
ment is astounding. Go preach this to your mom.
I AM NOT YOUR MOTHER, u toxic nutcases. Peace

AGAIN please reply with Authenticity, Support, and Respect. She was not demanding anything but merely suggesting you show some empathy towards myself and situation was all. She definitely does not have a sense of entitlement either. What is this KINDERGARTEN??? And furthermore if you need to resort to name calling well then that is quite TELLING of U now isnt it! We are not toxic nutcases! How do you wish us peace after calling us toxic nutases? really? I have a quote I want to share with you...And NO you do NOT have my permission...just saying...defdevestated...

~No one can make you feel inferior without your consent/permission.~

Eleanor Roosevelt

Def, methinks there might be a troll(op) in our midst. Ignore it and it and hopefully it will grow bored and go away.

Hello AnotherWellWisher....Thank you so much for your comforting/kind and supportive words. I feel that you definitely GET IT however Ennyenny clearly DOES NOT...And thats actually ok that she doesnt get it. I dont expect for everyone to understand it. You either do or you dont.Not having healthy parents in my life has been quite disheartening to me over the years. Every time I see a movie, commercial, or a real life healthy parent/child relationship example I feel their is a BIG hole in my life and heart that will never be filled. I will never have that experience so it is indeed a HUGE loss for me that I will probably grieve for the rest of my life. Its incredibly sad and painful to have to endure all of this. I feel just as alone in this world today as much as I did when I was a child. Life can be very difficult when you have no parents whatsoever to share it with. And to be able to turn to when you need them. I am essentially an orphan! I do know that is their loss in not having me as a daughter because I know who I am. And I know how good of a human being/daughter I really am. I am actually an Empath...On this site their is a group that I belong to for Empaths. When you have survived an immeasurable amount of abuse you some times become an empath because of it. If you dont already know and want to know what an empath is please do research it. We do indeed exist.I also want to thank U for being U.... Your an awesome woman and I am truly blessed to have had some interaction with you on this site. I hope you have an awesome day and thank you again for your support and kind words. Be Well. Much love, defdevestated

Hello defdevastated. I'm sorry it took me so long to see your response to me, and I hope that didn't make you feel more alone, as you are most definitely not alone. Unfortunately, I'm afraid that asking people who were not mistreated by their parents to understand it, is probably like asking Americans to understand what it is like to live in a 3rd World or impoverished country. They just can't really imagine it, and those who can have probably endured some other form of suffering. This is actually one reason the golden child is such a sinister thing for abusive mothers to do, leaving an abused child with a sibling who grew up in the same house and still doesn't get it. Esther Combs was turned into the family servant, and was covered in over 400 scars when she attempted suicide. Her unscarred siblings all testified they had never seen the parents ever harm her. Terry Knorr, whose mother had murdered her teen sisters, claimed that one of her brothers was hardly ever spanked. It's another way abusive parents maintain power over their kids, by giving one child heaven and the other child hell, so they both compete for her love and bicker with eachother. My Mama's boy brother thinks my abusive mother is a saint. After all, she's bought him a house and a car, and when we were kids, she slapped me every time I so much as looked at him wrong. Fortunately, his current wife (my sweet sister in law) has loads of trouble getting along with her narcissistic mother-in-law.

Charles Dickens grew up in poverty and even had to work in a factory rather than attend school for a while, and his level of empathy for poor or mistreated kids pours through in his stories. My childhood home was abusive but not poor, and I'm afraid I can see how it has impacted me that I can empathize with people who were abused, but it is still difficult for me to fathom the struggles of the poor. I'm just astonished that people who can't empathize bother posting their "get over it" comments. I know it's just not something that can be overcome. Kids need parents (as in decent human beings who care for them), and those who didn't get them suffer the damage. If they didn't, there would be no laws protecting children, as they would be unnecessary, and all parents would simply be allowed to abandon their kids. Anyway, I am so sorry to read your story and I know how hurtful it is. I hope things start to get better for you, and my only advice from having been there is to continue to share your story, and ignore the comments from people who clearly have no clue what you're talking about. Frankly, when I've told my story online, I've sometimes gotten told off by people I'd swear are other narcissistic mothers, abusing their kids, because they tried so hard to silence me. My own mother does that to people online, too. When I was 14, a teacher told my mother she thought I might be suicidal (which I was), so my mother went on and on for years afterwards about how selfish suicidal people are, and how killing one's self is the ultimate selfish act. Under stories of kids who have killed themselves, I've seen people make such comments, and I've had to wonder if the person posting was my mother. I can only be certain it's somebody with about her level of empathy, which is none, which is why she was such a terrible mother.

The struggles of the poor are the parent's problem,
not the child's problem. However abusive homes r
the CHILDREN'S problem, not the parents. Therein
lies the hUge difference. There is an entire Surrah
(Chapter) in al Quran titled "the Narcissists", or Al-
munafiQeen, most commonly translated into "The
hipcrits". They are fakes, are mOre dangerous than
clear enemies, and we're warned against them, nO
matter who they are (our mothers or whoever else).
their fate is to be thrown into the lowest pit of hell -
God is Just. So yes, there IS justice/court. ...Peace...

amen sister!

Ennyenny you are suppose to respond with Authenticity, support, and respect however I dont feel that you are abiding by those guidelines. How can you when you resort to name calling and verbal attacks with all of us posting on this thread. You have the gall to call us TOXIC NUTCASES...I know who I am so your name/mud slinging doesnt harm me in any way whatsoever. And I am not a toxic nutcase. You cant call someone something if they indeed do know who they are and that what you called them doesnt pertain to them or even begin to describe who they I do however take offense to you callingYou are not the enemy nor am I. Furthermore I never knew we even had a relationship much less a toxic one. I came to this site for support from my fellow posters and to eventually begin to heal. For some the healing process is a long and arduous one. For others it isnt. I am pouring my heart out on this site to do just that HEAL....

There were many many times, while in her care, not being here looked far nicer. I know I am not alone in lamenting the sad delay of an abusive mother's access to a legal abortion.

She never cared for you. So you were never under her or anybody else's "care" but God's. God made it sO that we are all still here, and I AM GRATEFUL FOR THAT. If you're not then that's YOUR inadeQuacy not mine. Again I wish you will find peace one day. I wish you well. ...Peace...

Inadequacy really? Wow Its crystal clear to me that you have NO idea what the hell it is that you are talking about...its funny to me that with everything you have had to say to me U my dear still dont get it and NEVER will!!! A person can describe me with many words but inadequacy is NOT one of them. Like I have said before I never asked to be born nor abused. I know that I am a good human being with both morals, values, and empathy towards others. I also know that I have touched and forever changed other peoples lives in a very positive way. Instead of insulting me by assuming somehow that I am inadequate why don't you do some "soul" work on yourself. It seems apparent to me that you are in desperate need of it. As far as the commentary on GOD goes it seems that he smiles down upon you and solves ALL of your problems for U. Yet your perception of what god IS has been truly distorted. To that I say keep god out of it and try to deal with just the facts of the story. Just because you decided that god helps us with our problems does not make it so! I truly wish you peace in your life. Ciao! Defdevestated

Ok lady THIS ISN'T ABOUT YOU. This is about ME you
are ATTACKING. Of all the descriptions people accuse
me of, "unsympathetic" isn't one of them. OOOOOOH
so you are AN ATHEIST. Wow this explains EVERYTHING.
No I don't get your denial of God's existence, and never
will. And don't want to. And I don't care that you don't
get me. So go brew in your misery. I don't care. Peace

If you actually took the time to READ and COMPREHEND what was said you would KNOW now that I never said if I was religious or not. If I believed in god, heaven, or hell. Its all irrelevant in the context of this conversation anyway. Furthermore it is NONE of your business whatsoever what my religion is and what I do or don't believe in!!! Its crystal clear to me that you are the one that is in a massive amount of misery. I wish you peace and "soul" growth.

Defdevestated...:)

If I was in "massive amount of misery"
then YOU are the unsupportive one!
You put a ":)" there AFTER declaring
I was in misery, but you didn't put it
before you concluded that! u sicko!
;)

What the hell are you babbling about NOW? Your complaining about me posting a smile after my screenname....Wow I didnt know it was a crime to smile. Hey maybe you should try it some time...that is SMILE...Instead of wearing a frown/sad face in here. Furthermore I am NO sicko. The sheer fact that you need to call someone names really speaks volumes about your lack thereof character. Have you ever heard of the saying...You get more flies with honey than vinegar? I truly meant no harm in posting a smily face next to my screenname...Defdevestated...:) Have a good one or not its up to u.

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Compromising who I was and my life as a teen so I could live safe. I wasn't allowed to have anyone in my life. Now I'm waiting 6 more months to HS graduation so I can leave, but in the mean time I live in a pretend world so I don't set the NM off....

Early Congrats on graduating HS...I happen to know its no easy feat and it takes alot of hard work also. I do know how you feel and Im sorry about your current reality but it will change and very soon. This is just a moment in time that your stuck in for now...So this too shall pass...Believe me it will...The whole world will open up to you and you will have your freedom. Dont look backwards only forwards...Big hugs to you and remember your not alone. Happy Holidays...Be Well...defdevestated

Don't worry :) there's an end!
Just remember stay patient &
YOU will be the one to win not
the N who NO ONE LOVES not
even their own ugly selves!!!!!!

GOD I wish I was there to hug you!

I also had a very narcissist mother and I credit her with ruining a huge chunk of my life. My story is not as rough as yours - she was more about trying to kill me emotionally and kill my individuality & personality if that makes sense. My biggest phobia is since narcissists often create other narcissists I worry that I will turn out like her. It is a big reason for my choice to never have children. Anyway if you want to talk and take turns venting I really need a friend who understands what it means to never have a real mother, just this cold, evil, crazy person taking over the place where a mother should be.

Thank you for sharing your feelings and situation with me...I do understand and know more than you might think...Sure we can talk...BIG hug to you...talk soon...Be Well...defdevestated

I too still worry. What if I caught some of the crazy evil and I'm doing the same rotten sort of stuff myself? I don't have an answer. I just try to be aware and keep growing and fix the mistakes I make along the way. Best wishes.

First of all thank you for your kind words and support. When we as humans know better hopefully we do better. Never let yourself forget how you were made to feel by your NM actions. But dont dwell on it either. Its how I make damned sure that I dont treat others the same way my NM treated me. Awareness is key in moving forward and finding peace. I follow the golden rule wholeheartedly....do unto others as you would have done to you...Best wishes to you too and Happy Holidays...hugs...defdevestated

I have that same phobia and although I
love kids n they love me, I remain single

My situation was much like yours - mother killed my sense of self and forbade boundaries. I didn't realize the damage she'd done until about 2 years ago! I have 2 children. My adult daughter seems healthy and balanced. My son is married and seems to be making good choices. He has uncanny intuition and I trust he'll grow into a good father. Unfortunately, his dad is a narcissist and there were a few times that I allowed him to be scapegoated to keep the peace. Well, I've apologized to him several times for this and he saw me take a strong stand against his dad's abuse (when we were on the verge of divorce.) I just slapped the table with my hand and said, "That is enough" He was told he would not treat "my son" like that. Wow did dad, the narcissist, lay into me later. To make a long story short, I try to be there for my son and to encourage him. It's wonderful to see the turns his life has taken and the good choices he's been making. I just pray that my unwitting marriage to a narcissist hasn't harmed him too much.

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What a horrible childhood you had. Horrible, horrible. Please don't feel bad if it takes time for you to heal.One thing that helped me deal with my emotions (anger and so) was reading a book from Alice Miller. They all pretty much talk about the same topic so you can pick any of them. It helped me accept my anger and it took me about two years to live it fully instead of trying to suppress it, but it did come to a place where there's just no more I can give my narcissistic mother. I don't want to, I don't have to (now I know), and I won't. I went no contact with her two years ago for a few months and got back but never the same - as I was before, so naive, thinking this time around she'd be loving, not hurt me, etc. Then the times she came to visit me were just awful camuflated (I live abroad) and I said to myself, I'll see if she actually changed when I'm in HER house, not mine. I went for vacation to my brother's house (whom I love and have a true connection) but had to go to my mother's bc of a few things, only to have a big fight and run back to my brother's. My mother was always a ***** but never in the malignant sense -not with me bc I always in the end accepted her "fauxpologies" and tried to do stuff to make her feel better. As you all know, it isn't possible and bam!, a week later we were in the same spot again. She made me believe somehow I was flawed. But I knew deep down it wasn't just me. Now I know it wasn't even me. I stopped accepting her talks on how I too had to be more patient, etc, only focusing on what I had to improve and never talking about what she had. A big liar. I have plenty of examples but won't share because it feels like repetition. The thing is, this time while I was on vacation and had nothing else to give her (I don't feel pitty just cause she's old and sick as she wishes I would), she became truly malignant. She talked on my back crazy lies about how she was tired of being humiliated by me (really?? Standing up for myself now is called humiliating my abuser?) and how she was concerned I'd put my 3-year-old son against her. As in: do I really need to do this job? Even if I did, I wouldn't be lying. But then, I've got more important stuff to do. The thing is, she does it herself. And I'll never let her do to him what she did to me and let her mom do to both of us (I and her). It's so sad to see her trapped like that, and so sad to see I have to protect myself from my own mother, and even more sad to know that nobody did that for me when I couldn't stand for myself. It took me 31 years and help from others who went through the same story to dettach from this toxic environment.The ones who gave me validation were my brother, and stepmother. She was strongly abused too when she was a child. I think it'd take me more time to get out if I hadn't have this validation. Well, I feel silly writing all this without any editing but I wrote whatever came to my mind and I like to let myself be silly sometimes. I too have the right to exist and be myself, right? Good luck on your recovery. It does take time but is worth it.

Thank you so much for your kind words and support. Im so sorry you had a rough child hood...I feel for you and understand more than you think. Your story resonated with me in more ways than one. Are you sure we didnt share a mother? lol...I am doing much better these days...I hope you are doing great as well..Be Well...defdevestated...hugs

Alice Miller helped me too at first...
Only... She turned me atheist. Did
More harm than good. Now I have
to get over Atheism blv it or not. Al-
though I found religion, I find that I
still have figments of Atheistic blfs
Here n there ...
Thank God for religion...God is Gr8

You deserve the best in life. I am sorry you had to live through such horror and pain. Your strength broke the chain to the next generation and your life will be richer for not giving up when it would have been the "easiest" thing to do. Congratulations on choosing courage in the face of pain and cruelty, congratulations on getting through your upbringing with the decision to marry and have a child. Your goodness kept you on the right path and your future will continue to give you rewards, as you stay on this path. I hope you will be able to put all guilty feelings on those who were guilty and free yourself from that burden. You were an innocent child - victim of many cruelties. You will probably never get any thanks or appreciation from your family, but as society and the human race evolve, you have played an important role in ending a generation of sickness. And, not to make light of your father's comment about "getting passed the sponge", but thank God you did. You were stronger from the beginning and your very existence shows, good is truly stronger than evil. Be proud of yourself and know that your painful experiences will help many others get through their lives.

Thank you so much for your kind words and support. You are truly a thought provoking and inspiring human being. I am also glad that I was able to make it past my mothers sponge! Im currently in therapy and I am working diligently on freeing myself from alot of pain and anger I still feel from time to time. Im using some breathing techniques that seem to help me when I find myself struggling with staying centered.Both my family and myself are now happier being away from ALL of those "toxic" people that were at one time wreaking havoc in our lives.Thank you for taking the time to show me that you care about what Ive been thru. And commenting on my story in such a way that it left me better than you found me.I feel enlightened,happy, and filled with hope for my future. I do try to do the same for people that I come into contact with throughout my journey. I try to leave them better than I first found them.Thank you for doing that for me! This New Year is going to be outstanding! Happy New Years 2013 to you and your family. I hope its a spectacular one because you truly deserve nothing less.Best Wishes to you and your family. Be Well....Love, Def...:)

I had to move away from my monster guised a mother too. I decided that there was no way I would let her get her hands on my own precious children and hurt them like she did me. Looking back, my only regret is that I didn't take more time to work on my own issues and resolve them so I could parent better. I made a lot of mistakes despite my efforts. Unfortunately I didn't know what 'good parent' looked like so I had to make it up as I went. You will be much better as you are in counseling. Well done! :)

How are you doing now? I also have NPD mother. I also had horrible childhood. BTW, I have herpes too, thanks to my mother. In the childhood, my mother poisoned by giving mashrooms that she gathered in the forest herself. I doubt that tried to poison me but I wonder... I spent months in the hospital and she was fine. Write me, if you want. I never had a family, and I have horrible in-laws too. I stopped all communication with both my mother and my crazy in-laws, but damage is done already.

and i thought my family was mean, this is 407 times worse than mine, and thats an understatement

Wow, i'm so sorry u had to go through so much, with a mother like that, i don't think i would be alive today, i would have killed my self, my heat goes out for u, i see now why your a wonderful person, with all you gone threw. peace and love

You are such a sweet man indeed. Any woman would be so very lucky to have you in her life. Thank you for your acceptance, understanding,support, and love. I have been told that before but only once. That a weaker person would have committed suicide because they wouldnt have been able to handle it. Peace and love to you too my awesome friend...Be Well...Hugz...:)

Yes credit to you for all you've gone through.
May God reward you for your endurance &
your patience. Credit to God for giving you
the strength, endurance, and patience and
all of those in gargantuan amounts! You'll
find that this history will give you excellent
vocabulary and differentiation skills Peace

I really am so very sorry, you have had emotional, physical and sexual abuse and neglect - every form of abuse, and are so hurt from your horrible childhood. I can really relate to the abuse you had from your mother as mine has NPD too and gave me a horrendous childhood of torture and abuse, so that I have dissociated to survive and am only getting my amgdala memories coming back now. But the things I always remembered are were horrible too.<br />
<br />
Like your mother, mine had a skill for giving gifts that hurt. She also put me in situations where I was at risk. She also tried to hurt me with the 'not wanted' 'accident' story (in my case her story was a lie). And manipulated my Father to make him angry at me and punish me whenever my brother and I fought. I was given illnesses by her too, including herpes, the mouth one but given to my brother and I deliberately. My brother went to hospital as a baby because it is so dangerous in an infant to have herpes, he was very ill. I won't list the things, they are too yuck.<br />
<br />
I understand the feeling of being flawed, I have always felt that way but never thought I was abused so always thought what was wrong with me must just be me. I know it hurt being told the truth by her (I can easily picture her malignant joy in your pain), but on the plus side, maybe it helps to have the confession out of her that she actually hurt you deliberately. My mother always denied any ill will, and claimed her actions were from the best intentions. It's like adding insult to injury! I'm so sorry you had your brother taken away from you too, by him turning against you. I hope you had some good relatives to give you a better feeling about family.<br />
<br />
My hugs and best wishes to you on your path to healing.

Handed,

Let me just say right off the bat that YOU are an incredible human being/woman!!! I feel your pain also and I too am so sorry for what you have endured at the hands of your NPD mother. I am in a state of shock right now because until you hear from others that have shared your same reality you feel like your all alone. Like nobody else could possibly understand or begin to relate to what you have been thru. I am so impressed and happy that you have come forward and offered ME support, understanding, acceptance, love, and have sincerely shown me that you truly care. To be honest I am stunned! When I wrote my story I never thought I would actually meet someone who shares my own messed up childhood reality/abuse. It took me awhile to actually be able to write it as it was extremely difficult to rehash it. I do feel that the main reason why I wrote it was to be able to help others that need the info and also lend them much needed support.I do believe that it is very therapeutic also to write about it.My heart truly does go out to you. If you ever need or want to talk to me about anything please dont ever hesitate to look me up. I am here for you more than you know. Thank you for sharing with me your experience and letting me know that Im not alone. This has touched me so deeply that Im in tears right now. Tears of joy! Thank you again doll! I am going into therapy as of Tuesday the 11th to deal with all of this. Be Well. Hugz and Lots of Love to you....:)

PS...I have a couple of aunts left that I still talk to but thats it. I am pleased that my mother told me about the wine in the breast milk situation. Because if she hadn't I wouldn't have known what caused my nonverbal learning disability. I do believe that with every negative situation their is always a positive item attached to it. You only need to analyze it and you will see it.

Handed...I too am here if you need a friend. Many hugs to you:)

I wholeheartedly agree. Choctawgrrrl is a doll! And a true friend! love you girl...hugz:)

Awww...remind me to slip you that $20 for all those sweet words...lol ;)

I speak ONLY the TRUTH...lol...anybody would be honored to have you as a friend...I know I am!!!

Thankyou Defdev, I am very touched, and would be very happy for you to write to me anytime you need an understanding ear. Good luck with therapy, I hope it goes well. Thankyou too Choctawgrrrl, it's nice to be in great company :)

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Thank you for sharing. I'm at a loss for words after reading everything you've been through. You've lived a very difficult life, but I'm glad that out of all this you show compassion and empathy to others. *Hugs* I wish you the best...

Hello babyblue202, Yes my life has been truly shocking and difficult to handle. Its also been devastating hence my screenname...defdevestated After I picked out my screenname I realized that I actually misspelled the word...devastated and thought to myself hmm theirs clearly a reason for that...Im flawed so why shouldnt my name also be flawed. Im thinking that when I feel whole again some day then I might change it completely or correct it. Im also glad that after all Ive been thru that I can still show empathy and to all kinds of situations and people.Hugz to you too doll. And thanks so much for taking the time to read my story and show me love, acceptance, kindness, and support. Be Well...Hugz...:)

H...you have been through hell and back and you know that I can relate to a lot of your traumatic stuff by going through it myself.<br />
One thing I would advise though...When you make it in to therapy next week...learn to get rid of that hatred you harbor. Trust me darling...the only one that hurts is you! It eats away at you...releasing poisonous cortisol into your body and causing a host of problems.<br />
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I am still on my own journey with this. I no longer hate my abuser only because for my own sanity and spiritual wellbeing I must make peace with it. I am trying to get rid of those voices telling me those horrible things he said...they are quieter than before yet not completely silent.<br />
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One day...you and I will feel whole and not embittered by our past but it is a journey....hang in there sweetie..I got your back! *hugs*

OMG I am tearing up. Thanks somuch for taking the time to read my BOOK...lol...and comment with so much love and support. You are much more appreciated than you will ever know...I got your back too. I am going to therapy to get rid of my anger and hate for my past as a child. Thanks again girl...:) love you lots...love, Def...Hugz...

I agree. The final component in this healing process is to let go of the anger.

I disagree on this one and here is why: He feelings and emotions have been disregarded for her entire life by these monsters and she has had to ignore or combat or deal with them like they are some sort of problem. In my opinion, defdevestated should have full permission to feel however she feels and be given full encouragement to express these feelings. If she is mad as hell, so be it, and rightfully so. When I was in the earlier stages of my own work I realized I had been so blocked from feeling my own anger I couldn't even kia(I was taking a martial arts class). It was as if I had a super tight girdle around my core binding me up. I could hear my family scolding me (in my brain)for being so unladylike. When I finally busted through their garbage there were amazing changes.

So def, you go girl! Get as friggin angry as you need to!

Wow I don't think anyone is dismissing her or invalidating
her feelings. We've all BEEN THERE and are just trying to
help her move on. Actually anger is held in the liver. So
it is not good to hold on to any negative emotions. Let
go is absolutely what has to happen in the next step.
Now "forgiveness" is another matter - everyone says
we "have" to forgive - I DON'T THINK SO! I think we're
allowed to HATE these freaks and that's perfectly ok.
I don't "love" someone just because of some biolog-
ical fact or action they did that I don't even remem-
ber. I thank her for birthing me but honestly if she
didn't then someone else would have. ...Peace...

Rose I am so sorry to hear that you to have had an abusive childhood/teenage and adult life as well. I am very happy for you that you were able to free yourself from them and to be able to move on and heal. What I am trying to figure out is how to let go of the pain and anger I have been feeling since a little girl. I also feel that I have been grieving this loss for most of my life. Thank you for commenting and I hope you have a wonderful life. Be Well..Defdevestated

I am totally done with my mother,father, and brother...I have not seen my mother since my son was 5 months old hes now 18 1/2...The last time I talked to her was 4 + yrs ago.My father I saw this past June, July, and August...6 weeks with him was enough closure for me. My brother I havnt seen since the summer of 2000. Im working on letting go of the pain and anger Im feeling. Thanks for your kind words and support. I wish you all the best also. Be Well...defdevestated

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