My Pain

I am 31 years old,engaged to be married later this year to my boyfriend who I have been with for 16 years and father of my 12 year old daughter. My father died of cancer when I was only 13 yrs old and I grew up aware about his illness since I was four always worrying if he was going to die.
My mum and I always had a turbulent relationship for as long as I can remember. As a child I always felt not unloved but not equal to my sisters. I had two older sisters and one younger one. I was very close to my paternal grandmother growing up and visited her once a week. I remember the pain I felt leaving her every week, times I wished she was my mother. My younger sister developed a chronic illness when she was two and was ill throughout my childhood which demanded a lot of attention from my parents especially my mother. We came from a middle class family were emphasis on education was important. I had little desire for education but I now wonder whether this was due to the fact the sadness and resentment I felt towards my mother. I had difficultly staying in school, I had no friends and often sat alone, I worried about my father dying and when I got home illness was all I saw. My sisters however thrived in school despite the problems at home. They all had friends and mixed with their peers. I however jumped between schools not settling desperately unhappy although perceived as troublesome by my mother who grant it had enough problems caring for my dad. As my life unfolded my mum didn't care much about what I did or where I went! I met my now husband to be at 15 yrs old, I fell in love with him straight away he showed me love like I hadn't had in years. I ended up pregnant at sixteen and was told at 28 weeks that my baby had severe abnormalities and I was to have to deliver her early and let her die. My mother was very ashamed of me. I was still living at home as my boyfriend was with his parents. I delivered the baby and life went back to normal for everyone but me. My boyfriend dumped me not long after however I had found out within months I was expecting again. My boyfriend didn't contact me for a large part of my pregnancy which left me completely broken. My boyfriend hated me, my mother hated me, I had no friends and my sisters were about to go to uni to start medicine degrees. I had nothing and was reminded constantly of it. I spent the next 8 yrs living with my mother and she took on the role as mother to my daughter undermining me at any chance I got. I did go to college however it never matched up to my mothers expectations I was never going to be as successful as my siblings. She only ever referred to me as troublesome nasty selfish to everyone. Eventually my partner and child's father made his way back into my life, I always loved him but for years felt so much resentment towards him and his family for deserting me. It all came to a head in 2008 when I my younger sister moved back home after uni. She was much more deserving of her love and privilege than I was. I used to walk into a room and they would stop talking, they would leave the house for hours not saying where they were going. I never felt more alone. My daughter was told not to listen to me and to ignore me. I had to get out. I left with my fiancé 4 yrs ago and my relationship with my mother is getting worse by the day. She never contacts me and conversation is dry. She refused to go with me to get my wedding dress and resents the fact that I am not in poverty which she thinks I deserve. My fiancé works in a successful family business and has provided me with a comfortable life to date. Not going with me to get my wedding dress made me Ill. It made me realise her lack of love for me as she would never would not have attended my sisters dress picking. My youngest sister is the golden child who can do no wrong and this has driven us to resent each other. She too thinks I am beneath her and I am belittled in every aspect of my life. My two older sisters are caring and I can talk to them although they both live two hours away and have very busy careers. My fiancé listens but does not truly understand my childhood pain? I feel so alone sometimes and feel ashamed of myself. I hate talking with strangers and I have no confidence. I sent my younger sister a friend request two years ago on Facebook and she never accepted it? She accepts people she hardly knows? Can someone help me please?? Xx
P10shc P10shc
31-35, F
Jan 19, 2013