The Vault Of Dark Memories...Wow, this is harder than I realized it was going to be. I have kept all this that I possibly could locked in a vault deep down inside. Although, being aware of its presence haunts me. I have just in this past week learned of the name for my mother's problem, up till now I have been convinced she is possessed by demons. I have been reading some of the stories posted here and... I am utterly speechless... I had no idea there was another soul on this earth that has been through this hell, I always assumed I was alone.
I am having this feeling that I can't identify, it's like my heart is fluttering with happiness, yet aching with fear and sadness, my stomach is sick with nervous! I don't know if I am about to cry from heartbreak, or cry from joy and relief! Anyone else know what this is? I was never allowed to have emotions nor was shown any either.
I am 32 yo now, I have a 13 yo daughter and I fight my mother's voice inside my head every single day regarding my daughter. It is hard to suppress the only thing I was ever taught. I have always known that she was wrong for how she talked to me, how she looked at me, how she beat me. I wish I hadn't have been aware though. My first memories as a small child are of being sad, then as I grew up my memories just turn into angry ones. Right now, I have a fire in the pit of my soul that should not be there. I yearn to have a smile on my face in just one childhood memory. But I know I must look forward, I just can't figure out how. I hope writing this helps to purge this rage, but I don't think I can let the vault open up just yet. I get anxiety just thinking about the vault of dark memories. I don't handle those demons well at all. But I can talk about recent, minor encounters with my demoness mother.
Two weeks ago, I foolishly went over to her house to let my daughter visit and I told her how I am signing up for school again. She squinted her eyes and glared at me and with her lip snarled and proclaimed how ignorant I am, and that is the most ignorant thing I could do. I asked why she thinks that, and she said "because I have started and not finished several times before and what makes me think this time won't be the same? You are just looking for attention, all you are doing is racking up bills you can't pay so people will pity you, ain't you?" I said "I have to try". She said "I can't wait till you fail again so I can laugh at you again!" her exact words, at this point my 13 yo daughter stands up and goes to the door and asks me if I am ready to go, and she goes and gets in my car without telling her bye, so I was right behind her. When I got into the car, my daughter says "I am so sorry, mom", but I wasn't upset, I'm use to that, I just told her how not to fear that if she starts school 100 times and can't finish, every time I will be proud of her, and I promise I will never react the way she did. My daughter said she knows, because I am nothing like my mom. That was the single best thing I have ever been told in my entire life. I definitely recognize that my daughter is my guardian angel. When I got pregnant with her at 18, I was headed down a bad road full of cocaine, alcohol, sex, and hate for myself and everyone else in the world. But, as soon as I learned I was pregnant, I left that place and haven't considered looking back since. I do have to admit though, my first anticipation after finding out was that I would finally be loved unconditionally. After having her, I am thrilled with HER, not just what she represents. I do have a problem with OVER empathy, though. Not like spoiling her, but carrying on and on about why I said no to her request to have or do something or go somewhere. She is smart and she gets why the first time I explained, but when I keep explaining any way, she has to tell me to stop. It's sort of comical looking back at it. Lol. I am just in such fear of turning into my mother, that I have to make extra, extra sure she don't think I am being outright mean.
My daughter has just became a teenager and I am completely lost on giving her advice on subjects important to her and teaching her things I want to teach her. That makes me the sickest.
At the same time my husband of two years leaves me, my doctor does a biopsy of my thyroid and the results were inconclusive, so I needed a total thyroidectomy. Here I am, possibly have cancer, my husband leaves me, I have no friends, I needed my mother. I broke down to her one afternoon, and she exploded, like I just totaled her brand new car or worse. She said for me to quit my bitchin'! She said she has worse problems, and ain't got time to deal with me. She said furthermore, I never want to hear your problems because it makes her blood pressure go up.
Me and my husband begin reconciling after about 2 weeks, and she forbade me to talk to him in her house. She said she was going to have the phone company to email her phone records every week to make sure I haven't been talking to him. I was 26 years old. She also forbade me to get a job because I was just going to lie and sneak and see him, my husband. So, I am imprisoned. In every sense. Just like growing up. My world crashed hard. I put my step father's gun to my temple. But I have my daughter, I couldn't leave her with my mother, to ruin. I put the gun back up. Grit and bear it. First chance I got to leave, me and my daughter were gone. That meant moving in with a man I didn't love. But he is good to my daughter and me. And we are not stuck in hell with Lillith.
Now, she tells my daughter how I was wild and slutty when I was a teenager. She tells her how miserable I was growing up when she tried so hard, I was just born hateful and out to make her life miserable. She has even told my daughter that I don't love her (my daughter). But, my daughter never believed her. Thank God.
This is all I can write for now. Thank you all for letting me vent.