The Vault Of Dark Memories...

Wow, this is harder than I realized it was going to be. I have kept all this that I possibly could locked in a vault deep down inside. Although, being aware of its presence haunts me. I have just in this past week learned of the name for my mother's problem, up till now I have been convinced she is possessed by demons. I have been reading some of the stories posted here and... I am utterly speechless... I had no idea there was another soul on this earth that has been through this hell, I always assumed I was alone.

I am having this feeling that I can't identify, it's like my heart is fluttering with happiness, yet aching with fear and sadness, my stomach is sick with nervous! I don't know if I am about to cry from heartbreak, or cry from joy and relief! Anyone else know what this is? I was never allowed to have emotions nor was shown any either.

I am 32 yo now, I have a 13 yo daughter and I fight my mother's voice inside my head every single day regarding my daughter. It is hard to suppress the only thing I was ever taught. I have always known that she was wrong for how she talked to me, how she looked at me, how she beat me. I wish I hadn't have been aware though. My first memories as a small child are of being sad, then as I grew up my memories just turn into angry ones. Right now, I have a fire in the pit of my soul that should not be there. I yearn to have a smile on my face in just one childhood memory. But I know I must look forward, I just can't figure out how. I hope writing this helps to purge this rage, but I don't think I can let the vault open up just yet. I get anxiety just thinking about the vault of dark memories. I don't handle those demons well at all. But I can talk about recent, minor encounters with my demoness mother.

Two weeks ago, I foolishly went over to her house to let my daughter visit and I told her how I am signing up for school again. She squinted her eyes and glared at me and with her lip snarled and proclaimed how ignorant I am, and that is the most ignorant thing I could do. I asked why she thinks that, and she said "because I have started and not finished several times before and what makes me think this time won't be the same? You are just looking for attention, all you are doing is racking up bills you can't pay so people will pity you, ain't you?" I said "I have to try". She said "I can't wait till you fail again so I can laugh at you again!" her exact words, at this point my 13 yo daughter stands up and goes to the door and asks me if I am ready to go, and she goes and gets in my car without telling her bye, so I was right behind her. When I got into the car, my daughter says "I am so sorry, mom", but I wasn't upset, I'm use to that, I just told her how not to fear that if she starts school 100 times and can't finish, every time I will be proud of her, and I promise I will never react the way she did. My daughter said she knows, because I am nothing like my mom. That was the single best thing I have ever been told in my entire life. I definitely recognize that my daughter is my guardian angel. When I got pregnant with her at 18, I was headed down a bad road full of cocaine, alcohol, sex, and hate for myself and everyone else in the world. But, as soon as I learned I was pregnant, I left that place and haven't considered looking back since. I do have to admit though, my first anticipation after finding out was that I would finally be loved unconditionally. After having her, I am thrilled with HER, not just what she represents. I do have a problem with OVER empathy, though. Not like spoiling her, but carrying on and on about why I said no to her request to have or do something or go somewhere. She is smart and she gets why the first time I explained, but when I keep explaining any way, she has to tell me to stop. It's sort of comical looking back at it. Lol. I am just in such fear of turning into my mother, that I have to make extra, extra sure she don't think I am being outright mean.

My daughter has just became a teenager and I am completely lost on giving her advice on subjects important to her and teaching her things I want to teach her. That makes me the sickest.

At the same time my husband of two years leaves me, my doctor does a biopsy of my thyroid and the results were inconclusive, so I needed a total thyroidectomy. Here I am, possibly have cancer, my husband leaves me, I have no friends, I needed my mother. I broke down to her one afternoon, and she exploded, like I just totaled her brand new car or worse. She said for me to quit my bitchin'! She said she has worse problems, and ain't got time to deal with me. She said furthermore, I never want to hear your problems because it makes her blood pressure go up.

Me and my husband begin reconciling after about 2 weeks, and she forbade me to talk to him in her house. She said she was going to have the phone company to email her phone records every week to make sure I haven't been talking to him. I was 26 years old. She also forbade me to get a job because I was just going to lie and sneak and see him, my husband. So, I am imprisoned. In every sense. Just like growing up. My world crashed hard. I put my step father's gun to my temple. But I have my daughter, I couldn't leave her with my mother, to ruin. I put the gun back up. Grit and bear it. First chance I got to leave, me and my daughter were gone. That meant moving in with a man I didn't love. But he is good to my daughter and me. And we are not stuck in hell with Lillith.

Now, she tells my daughter how I was wild and slutty when I was a teenager. She tells her how miserable I was growing up when she tried so hard, I was just born hateful and out to make her life miserable. She has even told my daughter that I don't love her (my daughter). But, my daughter never believed her. Thank God.

This is all I can write for now. Thank you all for letting me vent.
LuceysLocket LuceysLocket
36-40, F
5 Responses Nov 11, 2013

Good Heavens!
Your daughter deserves your protection. Your mom sounds like a monster of a woman. She embodies toxicity! I am so sorry for your pain you had to endure from this unmother. You were cheated.

I feel for you and in my own situation, similar unmother situation I had to do the following:
1) Get a good counselor well versed in adult children of npd parents
2) and only allow normal (non-monster) wholesome good people near my precious child.
*Every moment you have with your daughter is a precious irreplaceable treasure, only to be shared with those who are worthy. The bad behavior of your mother disqualifies her from accessing or sharing such treasures. If you do see her at all consider the creation and keeping of very clear, well defined boundaries. A counselor can help you do this.

Best Wishes

I have a 14-year-old daughter, and it really helps that she can see my mom's craziness. Now that I've moved away from my childhood home and I have a family of my own, my mother needs me more than I need her. So she has to treat me with respect at a minimum. And now she tells me over and over again how wonderful I am and how much she loves me. (Kind of the opposite of what I got growing up, when she would blast me with her rage for displeasing her in some way.) And with my own daughter, my biggest goal is to treat her with respect. There have definitely been times when I've done too much for her, things she could and should be doing herself, but I'm slowly getting a little better at holding her responsible for her actions.<br />
Your daughter is bonded to you, and I know she can see your mother's craziness and anger for what they are -- which has nothing to do with you and everything to do with her own need to feel better about herself.

Oh Gawd, where do you start. She sounds like a more extreme version of my mother! Mine tries to keep a lid on things but if she is under stress, the ugly stuff comes out. Even if you had been all those things and worse, no one has the right to sprout that kind of crap in front of your daughter.

I work in disability and there are a lot of mothers of the clients I support with undiagnosed stuff just under the surface. Things like autism were previously thought to affect men much more often but recent research suggests that women are equally likely to have it but due to inherently better communication skills, are less likely to be diagnosed. Whatever the situation, your mother's behaviour is not normal and is both disappointing and unacceptable.

What impresses me though is how you seem determined to avoid perpetuating the cycle of abuse. You clearly understand that your genes and environment are the recipe but you're the chef. Understanding that is one thing, doing it is another and I wish you my very best with that ongoing process. I hope you're glad you posted your story here and I hope you take comfort from how proud and impressed perfect strangers from around the world are. XOX

Dear 'Vault',
Don't for ONE MINUTE believe her lies or the venom she tries to hurt you with. I am almost 49 and just finally went 'no contact' after my 'mother' has tried to ruin every relationship that is important to me. Don't let her live rent free in your head. The feeling inside that you refer to is called VALIDATION, because you finally realize that you aren't alone. She hates herself so much, but she projects that feeling onto you. continue to develop your relationship with your daughter. You don' t need to have all the answers, just keep the lines of communication open with her. She won't end up like your mother because YOU are taking care of her. My best advice: please get therapy. I obtained more than 15 years of therapy, and it took a long time to undo the damage, but it is possible. If you feel alone, read the stories here, or call a hotline, but DON"T go to the one person who won't give you what you need. I know its sad, but it wont work. She won't change. But you can change how you deal with her. we are all here for you!

Jesus, how sad.... I am so sorry for all your heartaches. Reading your story made me so sad.....NM are so damaging and so hurtful.... What is your situation now? Have you ever thought of no contact?