I hate visiting her. But she is really almost terminally sick. This woman is very negative and draining. Any advice on having limited contact with a mother who is gravely ill? She is currently ignoring me. But the guilt I feel for not visiting her often gets to me at times. What if she just all of a sudden dies๐Ÿ˜ญ id feel horrible!
milanmilan milanmilan
41-45, F
2 Responses Sep 2, 2014

Hey, is there evidence of the terminal illness because this is one of the oldest tricks in the narc book. What is the illness and what is the prognosis? If you can focus conversations on the topic of her illness and she is a wealth of information then she is probably really sick, if she is vague about details, dismissive or refuses to discuss it with you then it is possible it's a scam to get your attention and is working.
Ask to attend a medical appointment with her and see if you can then discuss with the doctor what steps can be taken to help her and IF she is terminal then what time frames are you looking at so you have a light at the end of the tunnel. Sounds mean I know but you should not be living with this sort of guilt for an indefinite period of time.

When visiting set a time frame and have a set of already selected topics, her related of course, make it a game if you have to, count the insults, or see how many sentences it takes her to get the topic back to her, (that one is my fave) contact can be made by way of cards or gifts in the mail and or a phonecall. Physical visits can be exhausting, do you have siblings to share the load.

You know it is part of the plan to make you feel guilty for having your own life, so don't share anything about your life, success failure or other wise, if she asks then be non committal and have your well rehearsed answers to avoid criticism of yourself, if she is criticizing people you care about, try to switch off and just MmmmHmmmm at the right moments. Ignoring you will pass, just ignore her ignoring you, it took my N/M 3 weeks to forget that she was supposed to be ignoring me and go back to insulting me again....... NO GUILT, It's not your fault -any of it.
And if you choose no contact, that too is HER fault, not yours. look after yourself emotionally, she never did...It's not revenge, it is just a one sided relationship on your behalf that is not and NEVER will be reciprocated. Everyone has there limits and if she drops dead then you will know you gave a lot of yourself until you had nothing left to give, i could live with that. Good luck.... :)

Thank you ๐Ÿ˜Š Im feeling great. When I see her calls come in I feel so anxious at times. ๐Ÿ˜Im getting better at ignoring her while she ignores me. Its a battle in willing to fight.

good for you ! I have read a lot about Narc's the best book was "Will I ever be good enough?" by Karyl McBride, (all about healing for daughters of N/M's) "disarming the narcissist" by Wendy T. Bahary, good realistic strategies to protect yourself whilst still having contact, (when they are not ignoring you ;) ) and I am currently reading "Malignant self love" by clinically diagnosed and self confessed narcissist Sam Vaknin, who gives 1st hand insight into the way the Narcissistic mind works, sometimes I have to put the book down because it frustrates me to read what he say's , but then I am grateful to him for writing it because everyone else is basing info on theory, this guy is the real deal..... reading helps me deal with guilt and play the games they play, then walk away...... still intact. :)

great advice Inigosky. I chuckled at the first paragraph.

few years ago, mother make the same trick on me.
i recall some of her words,'i could die during the surgery, and when i die, you are going to hell, since you have not ask for forgiveness from the women that give birth to you.'

thank you for sharing.

I cut my mum out. She is ill, but there is no love lost. I spent my entire childhood being her parent, I decided it was time to just stop and claim back my life. I see her occasionally at family events but we're not in contact. She is ill too, mentally and physically. Perhaps I would change my outlook if it was terminal, I don't know. I doubt it. I reached a point where I had too many toxic people in my life, I decided if people added nothing positive to my life and all they did was cause negativity - to walk away.

Well maybe her dramatics lead ppl to feel that she is going at any moment. But she has a progressive illness. She now wants to cut off the television and focus on "real" conversations which include gossip tearing others down death and dying or critiquing my life. I'll have to figure out a nifty distraction to make visits bearable.