The Mother-in-law

I'm recently married but have had the opportunity to live with my mother-in-law for the past year.  I have always considered my self to be a pretty positive person and I always try to find the best in people and give them the benifit of the doubt when negative situations arise.  What has kept my relationship with my mother-in-law even a little positive is the fact that I try to be understanding of some of the difficulties in her life, but I believe everyone even me has to draw the line somewhere.

She is the most negative person I have ever met.  I have known her for five years now and have lived with her for the past year while saving for our new home and I have never heard her say one good thing about anybody.  Now don't get me wrong I'm not saying shes a bad person after all she did let us live in her home for a year and I appreciate it very much.  However it has been one of the hardest years of my life.  As I said befor she is negative and I have continued to go shopping with her, play games with her in the evenings make sure that we all spend quality time together as often as possible but it is never enough.  I don't feel that I am being to extreme to not invite her to my nephews birthday parties eccsspecially when my family has expressed their own negitive feelings about her to me, but if you ask her I am going out of my way to leve her out.  I thought when we got engaged she would be happy for us but I was wrong.  We then made the big mistake of trying to plan our own wedding.  This was the one thing that I put my foot down about.  It was our wedding and we were going to do it our way!!  Even though we went against her wishes and had a beautiful destination wedding in the carribean I thought that on the day of our wedding she might be a little happy for us.  Wrong again!!

I am at the point now where I am beginning to not care, which is very out of character for me, but also a little relieving.  As I said befor everyone has their line and she crossed mine.  The day of our wedding, the happiest day of our lives, she was miserable.  She had her whole family on a beautiful vacation, her husband her three children which I married the oldest of the three.  She told everyone their that it was the worst day of her life and how unhappy she was.  We still, not just that day, never got a congradulations a card or even a atempt at a fake smile.  It has been a while since the wedding and their are times where I feel that I'm being petty but I just can't seem to forgive her for her behavior that day.  I think I know why.

I said before I always try to see the positive side of things.  I always kept in the backof my mind that she was a good mom.  That part of the reason she was so miserable was that she sacrificed everything for her kids as most moms do but she was having a hard time letting go.  I completely understand this whole concept.  What I can't accept because I am also a mom, 5 years old girl, is this.  I always made the excuse for her that she really loved her children and somehow that thought made it easier to deal with her but on the happiest day of her sons life she was so self involed that she couldn't even say congradulations.  I love my husband more that anything in this world and the pain she caused him is unforgivable in my head.  I feel that I was dooped.  She is not a super mom that made all kinds of sacrifices and went above and beyond she is in fact very selfish and mean.  She is miserable because her children are running away from her her husband is hiding as much as possible, she has no friends and not even her own sister will come visit her.  SO I HAVE THIS TO SAY TO HER

 

I am done feeling sorry for you, everyone has ****** things happen in life. The only way to prevent it is to die.  If your not going to do that then it is your responsibility to start living.  No one can change your life but you and I am done trying.  If you can't make one true friend in world of 6,000,000,000 people you need to stop blamming the world and stand up and look in the mirror.  So I am going to move on now and take my husband and children to live a full and happy life and you are welcome to join us as soon as you can enjoy us.

Love ME

minnie78 minnie78
26-30, F
5 Responses Jun 26, 2007

I just read a book about "blamers" and how to deal with them. She's a blamer for sure. The best thing to do is what you have decided to do. Limit your exposure and don't try to change her. You can continue to help her now and then if you want, but be aware that she wants certain reactions from you. It gives her power. Don't react. This takes practice, but it's the only way to deal with her in my opinion. She can't feel empathy for you because in her scewed view of the world she's always right and she doesn't view others as individuals. It's all about her and how she feels. I have one almost like yours, but thankfully not as mean. Just remember, it's not you, it's her. Good luck!

I wrote an article that talks about viewing this type of hatred from a state of compassion. You must transcend her thinking because she sounds like she is in a living hell. Easier said than done, cause if you stick around she would have pulled you down but you wanted to truly see her heal. You obviously did the right thing and had something very important to teach! Isn't it strangely interesting how the daughter in laws in these new marriages seem to be the birth of new beliefs systems? And isn't it interesting how many new mother in laws reject any love you have? She's in pain. It takes a lot of energy and effort to keep love out. You made her realize she needed to change! This is not about you or her son, this is much more personal, it's about her not being able to love herself enough to give back love. That's living sufferage. You nevertheless deserve happiness, you deserve it! And it sounds like you know the right answer. She doesn't want to do the hard inner work on asking herself why she is negative, she is running from her own inner healing, there's a lot of la<x>yers of forgiveness she will have to work on, one way or the other. Did she give up on her ideal life along time ago? Why? So now no one's dreams can exist? So she lashed out at you because your dreams are happening. You are moving forward but she's not. Congrats on your wise decision, you've grown positively from it, I believe it's all a test of your resolve. If anyone else is going through this, I hope this article will also give you some resolve in your struggles.<br />
<br />
http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/the-lack-of-grace<br />
http://www.evolvethe.com/mind/life/1277-the-lack-of-grace<br />
<br />
If anyone wants to reach me you can do so at the link above.<br />
<br />
Wishing you all inner peace and loving relationships, Sharice Harris

I wrote an article that talks about viewing this type of hatred from a state of compassion. You must transcend her thinking because she sounds like she is in a living hell. Easier said than done, cause if you stick around she would have pulled you down but you wanted to truly see her heal. You obviously did the right thing and had something very important to teach! Isn't it strangely interesting how the daughter in laws in these new marriages seem to be the birth of new beliefs systems? And isn't it interesting how many new mother in laws reject any love you have? She's in pain. It takes a lot of energy and effort to keep love out. You made her realize she needed to change! This is not about you or her son, this is much more personal, it's about her not being able to love herself enough to give back love. That's living sufferage. You nevertheless deserve happiness, you deserve it! And it sounds like you know the right answer. She doesn't want to do the hard inner work on asking herself why she is negative, she is running from her own inner healing, there's a lot of la<x>yers of forgiveness she will have to work on, one way or the other. Did she give up on her ideal life along time ago? Why? So now no one's dreams can exist? So she lashed out at you because your dreams are happening. You are moving forward but she's not. Congrats on your wise decision, you've grown positively from it, I believe it's all a test of your resolve. If anyone else is going through this, I hope this article will also give you some resolve in your struggles.<br />
<br />
http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/the-lack-of-grace<br />
http://www.evolvethe.com/mind/life/1277-the-lack-of-grace<br />
<br />
If anyone wants to reach me you can do so at the link above.<br />
<br />
Wishing you all inner peace and loving relationships, Sharice Harris

Been there done that. I just decided that she needs (my mother in law) to be just an aquaintence. I will be civil on holidays and say hello when spoken too. But I will in no way put myself out there or go out of my way to be nice. She deserves respect because she gave birth to the man I love but other than that friends are not in the cards!

It sounds like you have the right attitude towards her. Don't let her make you unhappy.