I Worry For My Children

For many years now I have worried that my nephew might hurt or even kill one of my children.  He has figured out how to cause them pain without ever really looking like he has done something wrong.  He will sit close to one of them and look as though he is just wanting to be near them, yet he will secretly be pinching the inside of their arm that is hidden from sight and when they yell out for him to stop and leave them alone he cries and says that they are being mean to him and just don't want him around.  My in-laws really are blind to it and they believe that my children are just horrible little brats that won't give their poor cousin a break.  I am frankly sick of it and I really don't know what to do.

He is only eleven and he is already a master manipulator and he can turn a situation into whatever he needs it to be to satisfy his mood.  If he is feeling jealous of one my childrens' toys he will manage to break it, or lose it and make it appear that it was their own doing and that they are just trying to get him in trouble.  He has everyone thinking that my daughter is a whiny little brat that doesn't like to share her things with anyone, but when he isn't around she is the most pleasant and generous child you could ever want to meet.  My son has always come across as a bully when he is around but anyone who knows him will tell you that he is a defender of the weaker children and a champion against those who try to bully them.  It frustates me that my family cannot see through him and it scares me because he will only get better at it over time.

He is going to be a teenager in a few short years and I worry about what he might do to any girls who date him, or worse those unfortunate girls who refuse him.  He has been sexually explicit with both of my children starting from a very young age.  When he was four he stayed the night with us and he threatened my then seven year old son into giving and receiving oral sex by telling him that if he didn't do it he would tell us that our son was hitting him.  He knew that our response would be swift and severe and our son knew it too.  It kills me to know that my son allowed himself to be sexually abused in his own home because he was so afraid of the punishment he would receive from us for an offense that never occured.

I am almost certain that this child is a sociopath, but without recognition of that fact by his parents, I really see no way to help him much less stop him.

takingmylifeback takingmylifeback
41-45, F
9 Responses Mar 28, 2009

I understand your fears about your nephew, we had a similar situation with our daughter. A few years ago a couple and their two children moved into the house next door. They have two daughters, one who was 9 at the time and the youngest was 4. My daughter was around 7 or 8. At first the three of them played great together, got along, did everything together. Then i noticed that the oldest daughter had a bit of a mouth on her and would talk back, be disrespectful and was a little bit on the snobbish side. The younger daughter was as sweet as honey except when she got upset and then a temper tantrum that only two year olds are known for would come out. I noticed the mom would baby the girls and the dad was more of the disciplinarian of the girls. On the other side of my house, lived a little boy who was also around 4 or 5 at the time. They all played together and got along well together for the most part, then one day the mom of the little girl found her little girl with the little boy and his pants down. The girl told us that he told her to touch his wee wee. and the little boy said all he was doing was peeing and she was the one who followed him even though he told her to go away. The two moms talked and they concluded that the little boy and girl shouldn't play together for awhile. So my daughter and the boy struck up a friendship that is still going on today. However she was still friends with the girls next door and they played together a lot. More incidents have occurred with the same little girl except this time, with my daughter. She went back and told her mom that my daughter was trying to get her to talk about sex and said that my daughter told her to take her pants off. My daughter didn't tell me about this, but I sure got an earful from the girl's mom. Now let me just explain. I am no better of a person, however I do not allow my daughter to listen to any music that talks about sex, or even hints at sex, and still to this day she is only allowed to watch PG movies that I have approved of. The mother of the two girls allows them to listen to whatever kind of music and one day I was over there talking with the mom before this incident happened and she was even allowing them to listen to Sir Mix A-Lot's Baby Got Back ... you know the I like Big Butt's song where a girl in the song is moaning and he is rapping that she makes him so horny. When the mom told me what had happened she told me that her daughter did not even know what the word sex was and that my daughter was talking about it to her daughter. And i'm standing thinking ... you gotta be kidding me. we resolved to keep the girls apart and did for a while, when things calmed down, we let them play together again and this time, my daughter came to me and told me the little girl was trying to get her to do things and touch things. I went over to the mom and we resolved to keep them apart for good. With the incident with the boy and two with my daughter, i am not trying to be naive about this. That I may have a problem, but I cannot ignore the fact that my rather large family with my cousins having kids from older than my daughter to infant size now, and never having a problem with my daughter and her cousins. We moved and my parents stayed in the house and when we were visiting my mom said she heard the dad over there screaming and yelling at the little girl, saying you don't kiss your cousins. so i know now for sure that the problem is not with my daughter but with the little girl. I had suggested to the mom to have the little girl checked out to make sure nothing was going on, whether or not she did, i don't know. But what I do know is that my daughter and the little boy have never had any incidents and he really is a terrific kid. I understand where you are coming from, wanting to protect your children and at this point your only option is to pray that God will get a hold of this young man. My concern is who is his parents and why are they not concerned with his behavior. And another thing, children do not learn these behaviors on their own, what has happened to this young man that has made him this way? Those are all questions that if I were you, would be trying to figure out. I am not suggesting that he was sexually abused but I am suggesting that most children that young do not know what oral sex is.

First I must make it clear that this story is not about my child it is about my nephew and what he does to my children. I only gave you a little glimpse into the ways he torments them. I have studied his behavior for the last eight years (since I first learned of the sexual abuse of my son) and I can assure you I do not place a lable on him unfairly. I also do not allow him to see my mistrust of him. I want him to be better and I know that he won't be if I show him annimosity. As for my comment about hurting him you must understand that it is difficult for any parent who has had a child harmed by someone else to not feel this way, but I have NEVER laid a hand or even raised a hand to him. I am strong enough to recognize that he is a child but I am also aware of his behavior as being more than that of a common bully and that is where my concern for him and my children comes from.

your words: "I have had to fight often the urge to harm this child"<br />
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This is NOT love. The problem is with you and your attitude and misunderstanding of child development. I would suggest you open your mind, take a course in basic child pschology and also a parenting course in discipline. But most importantly, start understanding what love is.<br />
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I have NEVER taken the side of the bully and wrong doer, but in this case you have given me a very sad picture of what makes a wrong do er and bully vs someone who eventually passes the bully stage. Poor kids don't come from a functional family. This picture you have (the entire essay) could easily have been written about me and any number of other people I know and as an adult I have apologized to my sister for being the way I was as a kid- and other people I know have apologized to their siblings and our siblings forgave us! Now, thanks to your essay I think I will go forgive just about every bully I have ever had.

PS he is going through a bully stage like millions of little boys do - he is not a sociopath.

He has figured out how to cause them pain without ever really looking like he has done something wrong. He will sit close to one of them and look as though he is just wanting to be near them, yet he will secretly be pinching the inside of their arm that is hidden from sight and when they yell out for him to stop and leave them alone he cries and says that they are being mean to him and just don't want him around. <br />
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I WAS LIKE THIS AS A CHILD. JEESH THE POOR KID CAN'T BE A KID!!!! EVERY PERSON I HAVE EVER TALKED TO WENT THROUGH A STAGE LIKE THIS. I FEEL SORRY FOR YOUR SONG IF HE HAS TO LIVE WITH SUCH OPINIONS ABOUT HIM- EVEN IF YOU DON'T VERBALIZE THEM TO HIM HE WILL PICK UP ON THEM IT WILL ACTUALLY MAKE HIS BEHAVIOR WORSE. IN OTHER WORDS YOU ARE FULFILLING YOUR OWN JUDGEMENT OF HIM.<br />
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ARE YOU A PSYCHOLOGIST? WHAT GIVES YOU THE RIGHT TO PUT A LABEL ON A POOR 11 YEAR OLD BOY?<br />
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AS A PARENT WE ARE TO TRAIN A CHILD IN RIGHT AND WRONG, NOT JUDGE HIM. HIS BEHAVIOR IS WRONG AND I FEEL BAD FOR THE OTHER CHILDREN, BUT IT IS THE PARENTS RESPONSIBILITY TO NOTICE THEIR CHILD AND CORRECT HIM AS NECESSARY. <br />
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BUT THIS IS SAD- YOU HAVE THE WRONG ATTITUDE TOWARDS THIS SITUATION. I KNOW LITERALLY HUNDREDS OF PEOPLE WHO GO THROUGH THIS STAGE OF HURTING THEIR SIBLINGS AND AS ADULTS THEY USUALLY MAKE UP. I AM NOT SAYING IT IS RIGHT- I AM SAYING IT IS A STAGE MOST PEOPLE GO THROUGH AS CHILDREN.

I appreciate your imput mary but my family dinamic and my living situation at this time make it impossible for me to stay away from, and keep my children away from, my nephew. I have had to fight often the urge to harm this child so I can appreciate your view on that, but it is difficult for me to hold him accountable the way I would hold an adult accountable because he was only four years old at the time he did that awful thing. My son and daughter are kept from being alone with him, but I am concerned for others. I do know this is a problem and I do want to help him somehow.

she is a radio doctor,she is pretty good sometimes,,but not all the time, he needs to be held accountable for what he did to your son,,,I would hurt somebody if they did that to my child,,,I don,t care how old he was his pearents would be hereing from me big time,,,he needs help,,,of couse the sytem is so scewed up help this days is questionable,,,I would diffently not let my children around him ever again,,,good luck mary

Who the heck is Dr Laura?

I think you should call Dr. Laura and see what she says.