She Always Tries To Send Me On A Guilt Trip!!!

Living with your mil is no easy job. Since my husband told her that me and him were eventually gonna move out and get our own place, she has been an absolute nightmare. She has tried to make us both feel really guilty. Bear in mind she has another son living with her, so she will not be living on her own. She often says, "How am I going to cope", "Who will do things, I dont want to be responsible for things". She has been saying to me while im on my own for the past two weeks that she feels lonely.. This makes me feel really guilty, its not my fault she has no friends. I mean i do feel for her but i dont think her loneliness should be my responsibilty.. Or should it?

She always goes on saying that when me and my husband got married, she was expecting us to look after her for the rest of her life. I have never said I dont want to care for her. I want to take care of my parents but i dont live with them; I go to visit them and do things for them.

With my mil, it seem like she cant cut the cord when it comes to my hubby or her other son.... I mean her sons are grown men!!! I can just imagine staying her and having children, she will take over. She has already said that she wants to also be called mum!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was so in shock i didnt even know what to say!!! I could never imagine my mum saying she wanted to be called mum by her grand children!!!

Am I going mad??? Is her loneliness really my responsibility, should i feel guilty for wanting to move out???
c0nfuzed c0nfuzed
26-30, F
2 Responses Nov 28, 2012

OMG what a mil u have!! People who leave the responsibility of their happiness with other people are never going to be happy!! And thats what ur mil is expecting, that she will guilt u both into staying. When people feel lonely, they go out and do something about it, its their own responsibility and not yours so you shouldnt feel that way. It sounds like you and your husband moving out wouldnt mean cutting ties with her, would you perhaps consider staying close by?

Her saying she doesnt want responsibility for things just means that she wants someone to dump everything on, and you can do without this, you sound like a young couple, they usually need their own space. Sometimes the older generation are reluctant to adjust to change.

In terms of her wanting to be called mum to your children, i would find that completely unacceptable!! There is absolutely no reason for her to be called mum, indian or not indian. If that was me i wouldnt want her involved in anything.

The best thing i can say to do is try to talk to her, with your husband, and if she flies off the handle or starts acting like a child, then dont bring the subject up again. at least you tried, its down to her if she is going to ignore it or not.

If its both you and your husband that have made the decision of moving out, then chances are that it is likely to happen, it seems this would be the best thing to do; sometimes it seems like there is no other choice..

Good luck xx

NO!!!!!!!!!! It is most definitely not mother-in-laws in general. If push came to shove and my son & wife were destitute and/or needed help, of course they could move in with hubby and I - but otherwise? No, I don't want them to live with us. Don't generalize! I cut the cord with my son when he went off to college. He's my son, I love him, I'll support him and his family all that I can, but I don't want or need anything from them. It's one thing to respect and honor your mother/MIL, but there is a line and that needs to be respected.

Maybe because she's Indian, she has different ideas and expectations. It may be a cultural thing that you're going to have to address. Why don't you and hubby go out, discuss it and then come back with a solid front to sit down with mom. You might let her know that it's not like she's never going to see the two of you again, you just need your own space, you need time to grow as a couple, etc. Try to make sure she understands that you are NOT abandoning her. That might help.

I am so sorry, I didnt mean to offend anyone, I will amend my story. On many occasions i have sat down with me, my hubby and mil and have tried to talk through our issues; both me and my hubby approached this in a calm way as we are both relaxed and understanding people. my mil is more concerned with pleasing herself, which is why my hubby calls her selfish. On the occasions when we have tried to talk as civil adults, she ends up having a tantrum like a 2 year old, saying she is always right and tells us both to go away.
This is why I feel that my problems cannot be solved in the time that i am living with her, which is why i want to move; I almost feel like she has driven me to my decision. I have changed so much living with her in the few years that i have, i feel like i have had to dumb myself down, i used to be such a positive person and used to smile everyday but now most days i hate waking up and realising the nightmare that im in.

I have told her, even myself, that just because i want to move out doesnt mean that i want to cut all ties with you, my plan is not to abandon her anyway, she is going off what she sees other people doing. If one of her relatives does something, she wants to follow suit. She is so stubborn, there is not one person on this whole planet that is always going to be right, just try telling her that :(

No, no, you didn't offend me in any way, shape or form. I just wanted to be very clear that not MILs are that way. I like my son and DIL living in their own home, away from me and hubby. :-)

If you have already tried to reason with her, then just leave. Go get your own place and in a few weeks, invite her over for dinner. That way you can slowly get the point across that, no, you're going to abandon her, but that you both need your own place. If she continues to be a pill, then ignore her. She'll come around eventually or risk losing her son. Sometimes older folks get stuck in a rut and don't like change. Unfortunately, change happens whether we like it or not. Pick your battles, I always say. Good luck, I'm rooting for you!