Abcd Meets Gori....pimil (psychotic Indian Mother-in-law) Looses Her Mind

Five years ago I met my adorable husband in college.  When we began dating we knew quite early on that we were soul mates.  He warned me very early on that his mother was crazy and that she would have a problem with him dating me since I am American (white).  He is Indian. Really?  I was shocked to learn that Ghandi's country was so saturated in bigotry!!!   We decided it would be best to not inform her of our relationship until marriage was imminent.  When she found out about me she lost what little bit of sanity she had and refused to accept our marriage.  So, since she was being such an idiot about it we eloped!  We now have a beautiful 3 year old daughter whom PIMIL has never met because she has refused to acknowledge her existence and has demanded we be kept a secret from the rest of the family.  My husband has kept his mother out of the picture for all of our married life due to her behavior which I am thankful for but here is where I disagree with him; he should have never allowed her to keep us a secret from the rest of his family....that is just WRONG.  He tried to respect her wishes and I think he was afraid she would kill herself or something.  Of course, I couldn't be that lucky!  She is too manipulative to kill herself, how could she control peoples lives if she were dead!!!  So anyway, she has abusively harassed me over the years with phone calls.  When I answer she just sits there on the phone.  When I don't answer, she leaves me abusive voice messages. She always denies it when my husband confronts her, but he caught her doing it about 4 months ago, LOL!  All these years I have kept silent and not retaliated.  I've tried to just let me husband handle it.  About a year ago, my husbands cousins all started hearing about our existance.  They have reached out to me apologizing for their aunts stupid behavior.  They all say that when their parents (her siblings) find out what she has done that they are going to slap her face for it.  Meanwhile, still no one has told her siblings.  This past weekend she and her spinless husband, who is a nice guy and doesn't agree with her but lacks a spine to stand up to her, came to our house while my husband was away at work.  Remember, I don't even know these crazy people.  I had just put my daughter down for a nap when I hear a car horn blasting from my driveway.  This startles my daughter and imagine my surprise when I walk to the front of the house and see his parents in my driveway!  My husband has insisted that I NEVER answer the door if they come to the house and if they beat on the door to just call the police.  So, I called my husband at work to inform him and he calls his parents in our driveway and told them to go back home immediately (3 hrs away -- not far enough).  Thankfully, they left.  I asked my husband why they came here while he was away and his father told him that his mother was ready to reconcile with us and move on.  Could they have scheduled that meeting with us first???  I decided the next day to call PIMIL and speak with her first prior to meeting her for the first time, don't want her to wig-out in front of our daughter.  I was very nice and asked her if I could speak with her on the phone before meeting her andshe  immediately flipped-out, yelling and screaming non-sense and abusiveness, slandering me and my family whom she knows nothing about, telling me she just wants her son back.  I told her she could see her son anytime she wanted, just not at our home and not with our daughter.  She told me that she would come to our home anytime she wanted and would see our daughter anytime she wanted and if I prevented her she would hire an attorney for rights to see her.  She accused me of forcing her son to marry me (uh huh....), brainwashing him from his parents, and refusing to let him see them.  I know, it's interesting, isn't it?  Hmmmmm, sounds like someone has been watching too many serials and Bollywood films.  I then explained to her that I believed she was crazy and needed to seek professional help and medication for her mental illness.  Yeah, she especially loved that.  Honestly, I hated getting smart with her but she was just being rediculous.  My husband now realizes there is no hope for her.  I am seriously considering contacting my attorney and having him send her a cease and desist letter for the harassment and threats where our daughter is concerned.  Is this step too extreme?

MilkyChai MilkyChai
31-35, F
8 Responses Feb 22, 2010

Right now, you are in the right. Don't get lawyers involved. That could blow up in your face. Keep doing what your doing! GOOD LUCK. They sound CRAZZZZZY. Everyone is tested at some point in their life.

I feel your pain, can you get a restraining order against her? Then she won't be able to come 100m near you or make contact with you. Keep your daughter close and she won't be able to see her either. Serves her right. To be a grandparent is a privilege not a right.
Let anyone ie daycare know not to allow these ppl to be in contact with your child.

Hay milkychai..... isn't it funny they think u took their precious son..... well no new story there then!!!!! Like me too I am supposed to have stolen the precious son...., he was never like that until I came along..... blah blah blah.....Oh wat can I say. I suppose as harsh reality as it is but we do get comfort from eachother knowing we all face the same old crap...... thanks for sharing!

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Thanks again salaciousc! You've helped me at least understand perhaps how my PIMIL thinks at least. You're right, she is still remembering her home country as 1970 India and hasn't progressed with the times in her mind. Hadn't thought about it that way. I think you're right, an attorney's letter would probably just make her worse instead of shutting her up. Thing is, I'm not sure if shes just a babbling nutter or if she is a babbling AND acting nutter. Don't know enough about her to get a feeling of whether or not she would try to hurt me through our child. She made a comment to me that I thought was very strange..."God is going to punish you and your child." What??? She always refers to our daughter as my child instead of saying her name. Actually, she refused to even say our daughters name for 2 years. And we named her a Hindu name!!! Yeah, you're right..... nutters. My resolve is to stay FAR AWAY! Thank you for all your support and advice! You can't imagine how much it helps to know I'm not the only person in the world experiencing this bizarre stuff.

Hi There MC!<br />
Your question about getting an attorney involved is a difficult one... It all comes back to the 'damned if you do, damned if you don't' factor. <br />
The way I see it is that she made her bed, so now she must lie on it. She gave up any rights to a Mil-Dil relationship with you years ago when she refused to recognise you as one. It's always the arrival of grandchildren that changes all the dynamics. I have two sons under the age of 12. She loves my sons unconditionally, but there was never any gratitude thrown in my direction for providing them! She favours one of them more than the other because he looks like his father. The least favoured is a 'mini me' lol!<br />
The trouble with asian MIL's is that most of them migrated to the US and the UK when they were much younger, say, in the 70's and 80's. They remember their homeland as they left it. They have brought and maintained their 70/80's ideals. Meanwhile, everything moves on in India! I know some Indian girls who are far more westernised than US/Uk ones. That's because the older generation haven't moved on! Their too busy building businesses or bringing up kids (without the maids that would have had if they'd have stayed in India) The hard life in the west makes them bitter. My father in law always tells me how inexperienced his wife was when they got married. She was from a reasonably comfortable family and never had to lift finger prior to moving to the west. I remember that my father in law gave me this loooong speech( just after we got married) about how her son's marriage was always the thing that she had looked forward to. Whenever they reffered to daughter in laws, it always seems to be in the context of how THEY are gonna benefit from her. I was 29 when I got married. As a single professional woman, I had had 12 years of spontaneity, responsibilty and freedom. I ate when I wanted to. I went out when I wanted to. I bought what I wanted. I didn't have to ask permission from anyone, nor did I have to consider anyone. All that was lost once she got her claws into me. Those days, stupidly. I wanted to please her. Never again! <br />
Milky chai, It's all about control! They see it as their right. She probably wanted an Indian girl instead of you because she could boss her about.<br />
So back to the instinct tells me that it's better that you don't. You will be labelled the devil if you do. Keep your composure and let her be the one to run around babbling psychotically! She'll shoot herself in the foot eventually. <br />
One thing I've learnt in life is that whatever impressions you make of people, others have made the same too. I had a few of her friends laughingly tell me that she'd be hard work. Comments like:<br />
'I hope you have thick skin!'<br />
'You'll have to be strong with that one'<br />
'Don't expect a walk in the park with her'<br />
<br />
I don't believe that a nutter like your PIMIL is able to hide her personality to others. They know.<br />
Even your husband and his family know her.<br />
If she ever becomes physically abusive or starts to seriously threaten you, then I would go for the attorney route. It would be good if you could get a friend to be present when she is threatening you.<br />
Oh, but she does sound so irritating! Reading your account of her really made me clench my teeth! I can just imagine her! Grrrrrrrr!

Thank you salaciousc!!! I really appreciate your support and advice. This has all taken me by great surprise and I'm a very civilized person so dealing with this absurdity has been very foreign for me. I plan to stand firm in my conviction to keep PIMIL far away from our lives. I've always been a firm believer in avoiding toxic people. I'm most concerned about the safety of my family and particularly my daughter. Do you think getting the attorney involved at this point is a good idea? I will keep you posted and will message you soon!<br />

Hi there Milky Chai!<br />
Oh wow, it sounds that you were right at the back of the line (with me) when God was handing out MIL's! I really feel you.<br />
However, I would'nt be wishing your MIL ( not that you are) into your life. You have a good marriage and a lovely daughter. Keep it that way. Let her into your life and you'll regret it. DO NOT agree to a 'peace' making meeting. There can never be peace with nutters such that you describe. Once she's in your life, it will become hell. She'll crtisize you at every opportunity. What you wear, where you go, what you cook, what you buy... the list is endless. In everything, you'll be damned if you do and damned if you don't. I assure you that the next thing on her agenda ( if you reconcile) is that they will move closer. At the moment, the issue she has with you is that she feels that you've taken her son. Once that's out of her system, the systematic wearing down will start. Remember one thing. Indian mother in laws have very high expectations of the DIL's. She will be high maintenance, with absolutely no regard for your feelings or needs. By all means let your husband meet with her as much as he wants. Just make a contract that there will never be anything between you and her. Don't lead her on or give her any hope. With these type of nutters, you give an inch and she'll try to take a mile.. If you have to meet, be neutral and distant. Take no interest in what she has to say. Don't let her affect you. <br />
Like you, I am white with an Indian MIL. They say you can choose your partner..but you can't choose your MIL! <br />
<br />
Stay away from her PLEASE!!!! It can only lead to teeth grinding and tears! <br />
Keep me posted or message me!<br />