Aren't You Oh So Proud Of Yourself Now Father?

 Can an individual begin to even unlearn what our forefathers have taught us in the futile effort to step forward and see beyond all the unaccepted and unwanted beings and things in society?

But what you have to understand that what they have done is to you 

Has also made you into the person you are today

They molded and shaped you and hardened the edges 

until what you are is what they wanted you to be

no matter how hard you fight

they tear you down and break your spirit in the end

Only to leave you in mirrored bits upon the floor, 

screaming that this is such a cruel end to a brilliance of life.

Only to laugh in the face of your broken image, to show you just how important you truly are. 

In spite, you stand tall

In hate, you walk tall

In love, you hide yet give with a carelessness of heart

In sorrow, you sing and evolve into a queen among hateful fiends

Beyond all the wrong, all the terrible, and also the good, you are who made me who I am. 

And because of this I cannot find the power to condemn, all I can do is just merely send you away in the waves of my disappointment. all I can do is unhinge from my broken world, and give to you the key you shattered upon your way out, a key that lays in pieces turned into nothing but dust and shards of a broken heart, aren’t you so proud? 

Why Do you stand tall when I feel small? Where is that smirk of  satisfaction I so easily find on your face as you continue to disgrace me, and expose me for the pathetic individual I am, for believing in a man, a man everyone else has damned, even yourself. Are you lost? Are you tossed into the churning hateful sea of mental disease? Have you forgotten me? Where was your heart speaking common sense for all the people who thought you loved them so? You thought you knew what unconditional love was once upon a time, but you don’t, yet I do. A woman at seventeen, living on her own, fighting the world, struggling to survive, oh don’t that sound so familiar? I loved you despite all the wrong you had done to me and my own. I loved you despite the abuse and the sorrow dealt from your deceitful hands. I loved you despite what everyone said. I loved you despite the police and the screams. I loved you despite the fact you beat the love of your life in front of her child. I loved you because you were MY FATHER. I gave you chance after chance to prove to me that you loved me. Yet you forgot me? No phone calls, no letters, and no emails either. Where were you when I needed you the most? At a bar? At work? Lost? You have the potential to be a great person, yet you are no where near being a father or a man in your life right now. don’t get me wrong, I love you daddy. But you have hurt me so much in the past year, and never once did you say sorry to ME! Never once did you bend upon your knees and ask me for my forgiveness or even if I was okay as I cried and shaked upon the floor in FEAR OF YOU! As I hid in the dark, cried and screamed into a pillow for someone to save me. When all along you should have been my savior, my father, not the one abusing his girlfriend and daughter. I felt scared to death. I felt trapped and caged. I felt like I was not allowed to go no where. I felt controlled. I felt as if I was dismissed, like a puppy is when it stops being so cute and new. I felt pushed aside when brit and jace came into your life, but never once did I truly b!tch about this new glitch in my life. No, I accepted them. I loved brit like she was a full sister, forget half. And now I hear since you are prison you wish to be able to say sorry to everyone and expect forgiveness? Well, where the helll is my “I am sorry”?  I want to hear it come from your lips as you beg me for forgiveness for being such a sh!tty as$ father and forgetting all about me, I want you to say sorry for everything you have put me through this past year or so. I want to f*cking hear you cry over me, I want to hear you stutter in confusion or lose your voice in sadness. I want you to become so emotional you stutter and get tongue tied. I want you to say you love me. I want you to tell me your sorry. I want you to tell me you didn’t forget me. I want you to tell me everything is going to be alright. I want you to tell me that I can do this. I want you to be there for me. And most importantly, I wish you could be there for my 18TH Birthday, the last birthday before I become a legal adult, and you have been to NONE of my birthdays that in my entire lifespan that I can remember. Are you proud of failing me? Didn’t you know how important such a tiny thing can be to me? You knew this meant a lot to me, yet you f*cked it all up. I was supposed to come see you this summer f*cker, but now guess what? Since you are in prison, I will end up not seeing you for quite a long time, I hope your happy, happy you made the choices you made. You didn’t need to go partying for new years, you could have cut her off of liquor, you could have turned yourself in sooner and explained the circumstances, you could have done anything else that what you did…You ran like a coward, now let me ask you a question: If this was your father doing this, How exactly would you perceive your father? A coward or a man to be proud of? I once saw you as a king among the underdogs, but now? Now I see you as the coward you are, afraid of time and of life. Good luck with that, it wont get you very far, except to the prison gates or the grave.

-Mindy Brown

I am sorry daddy, I just cant take this anymore. I cant take any of you anymore....

~Coldplay "Warning Sign"~ 


lilfallenangel lilfallenangel
18-21, F
3 Responses Mar 1, 2010

my mom and dad are in jail too. i never really knew my dad, so it doesnt bother me as much. but i grew up with my mom. we were really closee. thenn i had to move out and she went to jail for druggs and stuff. <br />
i know its hard not to hate them, or be really mad. but its possible. she hurt me soo much. and i hatee what she did, but i dont hate her. i dont like her as a person anymore. but i love her because she is my mom.<br />
your right, you cant let him keep hurting you. let him back in your life alittle at a time. guard yourself. and im sure he feels horrible and is sorry. even though he hurts you sometimes, he still loves you. dont forget that. he is still your dad.<br />
one more thing. dont let his mistakes guide your life. make your own choices. i get this changed your life, is sure changed mine, but you are the key to your own future. dont make the same mistakes. live your life. and keep your chin up. things will get better!

that is the truth, sad thing is that ive tried to do that but he just dont care and i know he feels bad but...its w.e ...and i love my mother even tho we still argue n been thru alot of bad times but i know shes always there for me. and ima say the same thing back to you. stay strong, keep going forward, Dont let the past define who you are becuse it made you who you are - better in the end, wiser, more mature, stronger, and more successful if you find the negative and find a lesson in it all. *hugs*

sigh....I am just so tired of everything....I know I will end up forgiving him...I always do, but at this rate, i know a day will come when i wont be able to take him back as my father, and i know that on that day, my heart will shatter because i have tried so hard to let him into my life, and he says he wants to but as always he hurts me like this. thank you for your comment Goahead<br />
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My prayer for you ,please do not let this rule your life you love but yet hate your father. just do not let that hate consume you, it will most likely never bother your father he is not capable but you it can destory, you can hate your father just don't let it consume you it will invade everthing you do all chances for a happy loving life you deserve you have to have had other people somewhere that you have seen with a loving respecful relationship take from that and build your life around that , you have the choice to not let the cycle go on. god Bless goahead