Dealing With My Husband's Pot Smoking

I have a wonderful relationship with my husband of 5 years, we are basically inseparable. There is just one little nagging issue that seems to be growing deeper; he would always rather be high. I honestly feel like there are three of us in the marriage, me, him, and mary jane. I feel a little cheated, I didn't sign up for this. To be clear, I have no problem with weed in itself, if I could legalize the stuff this second I would. I believe it has many great qualities and is no more harmful than alcohol, possibly less so. The main issue is not the plant, it's that my husband feels he needs it to be normal. Despite knowing how it makes me feel, he still chooses to smoke. He would always rather smoke with someone, but has no problem doing it alone if he "has to". I feel hurt because it appears that just spending time with me is not enough for him, he is not truly content without smoking. I don't understand why he needs it. He told me the other day I need to give up wanting and wishing for a husband that doesn't smoke, because he always will and I need to accept it. It broke my heart and even now brings tears. I used to fight it, we would argue, it got really ugly. I thought about leaving him for the first time ever. Now I know I can't change him, if I gave him an ultimatum he might let me go. He thinks I am trying to take away something that he loves, when in all honesty I don't believe he is healthy mentally or emotionally and I just want the best for him. He has started therapy to help him deal with some deep rooted issues and I can only hope it leads him to feel ok sober. Who knows how long it could take, and maybe I'm stupid for hoping. These days I try to remind myself to be accepting of him no matter what, but inevitably my anger and resentment creep back. It is a daily struggle. I am writing this in the hopes that someone out there knows how I feel or can relate.
expressyoself expressyoself
26-30, F
29 Responses Jul 16, 2010

I can relate. I met my husband when I was 18 and we smoked together. Then I realized I wanted to better myself and I quite. So it's hard to tell him not to do something I did. But man when he runs out it is the end of the world and he takes it out on me like it's my fault. I should of known he needed more and picked up. That's what gets me. I pick it up for him cause I don't want to hear it later when he runs out. I hate that he feels it makes him normal after smoking. And he smokes when he wakes during work and after. It's an all day thing for him. I am glad I'm not the only one out there having these problems. Even my bestfriend husband smokes and she doesn't and he's exactly like my husband and yours to.

It breaks my heart. I am currently living with my fiancé (whom smokes pot during lunch & after work every day) and it really bothers me. I've been with him for 6 years- we also have a child together. It hurts to see that his anxiety and depression are being suppressed by weed so much that when he's without it it's literally the end of the world for him. Reading these posts reminds me so much of him. How he pigs out after a sesh, drinks a ton of beers to the point where he just looks stupid and unattractive. He has his degree in math and minor in physics or whatever, but he feels that this area of study is so broad there's no jobs for it. I always try and encourage him to take evening classes to get a diploma or something but he's so lazy- won't even bother looking this stuff up. It pains me to know that he's like this and he'll never change. I just hope that my child doesn't fall in his footsteps.

I can relate and it is horrible. I did not know about his pot dependency until after we got married. He says that he cannot be in a good mood without weed or alcohol. I really wanted to have kids, but I now think that we can't. I believe he is not fit to be a father.

I'm so emotional reading these posts. I've been with my husband for 12 years. We have 4 kids, and pot has destroyed our marriage. My husband can't do anything without being high and he acts like a psycho lunatic when he runs out. He takes everything out on me. He loves me and the kids but isn't present. I asked about counseling. He didn't want to go. He says yaks if or leave it. I'm on the verge of filing for divorce!

Man do I ever know what your feeling!!! My spouse says he will never give it up and if I can't handle it we have gone done ...the problem is the pot screws with his perceptions and memory so he mid remembers what is said and when .... It's a bad feeling isn't it to know grass is more important than you .... My husband is high from morning til night .. So much time wasted waiting for " that last bowl" the first bowl the bowl every two hours .... And then he argues too .... I went to nar anon and then they let some addicts in who talked for 45 min then left without listening to anyone else! Typical addict behavior ... Sick of it folks

It completely screws up perception. They don't see any wrong in anything. All the hear is "nah" no matter what you say or how you say it. They just want you to shut up and let them enjoy their buzz.

I know how you feel. I have been with mine for 14 years. He chooses weed over me and our boys. I do everything a lone because he would rather be home and high all day. And if he does do anything with us he has to be high to do anything

I go through this too. No unity. I do everything will the kids alone. It's a very sad and lonely life. I'm fed up.

I thought I was alone; I thought it was just me. I didn't realize that other women are having similar issues with pot and their husbands! I wish mine would get help for his addiction my heart aches everyday he lights up and stays stoned. I don't trust him by himself with our 4 month old daughter when he smokes because he is not aware of how unaware he is! I love him so much and am so sad ......... What has worked for everyone?

i'm going through the same situation, he just sits in his room and smoke pots and doesn't really wanna do anything with me. He is too worried about his smoking habit. He was use to be the coolest dad, use to bath my son play with him, shopping movies and nice long drives after work. Now he looks for excuses to sit in his rooms, he is not interested in working or nothing else😓 I know if he had to choose pots or me he would choose pots not me...
Don't know what to do I have to kids (boys) now. I feel sorry for them for being stuck in this house 24/7

I feel like i could have written this......this really sucks to go through, and i too feel like im in a triangle relationship. I came up with all sorts of reasons to get him to stop, like its not what i want our children to witness or when he doesnt have any hes a real jerk, he cant be normal without it at all. Hes a good person for the most part.i cant help but always nag him about it and then it always leads to him throwing the divorce word around and leaving for two or three weeks leaving all family involved turn around and say ill give it up because i love our family then the next week be smoking again. I truly have no problem with smoking pot the problem is hes made it his life and main goal and its caused so many fights and then he even slacks on spending anytime with his 3 children and they love him so much and constantly beg for his attention. Im not an advocate of divorce but im exhausted with this issue.i dont want the divorce but he has left me on and of so much in this last year just to turn back and repeat this over and over. Im at a loss as to whats next

Sweetie , if you're still together, my heavy heart is with you.ive been married to the boy across the street now for 31 years,2 kids and what was a wonderful life.The past 8 yrs.hes been a stoner and is an alcoholic as well or is soon to be. He's introduced our son to his addictions,and our son has followed in his steps , and as a grand mal epileptic his meds
are cancelled out leading to seizures! My husband ,at one long time,was my bf. But can no longer be my bff.he spends time w/other stoners and I spend mine in Alanon....hoping for a ressurection of what WAS.

I can relate to each of you who are trying to deal with a husband who habitually smokes pot. We have been together for 2 years and married for a 1 1/2 years. We also have a son who is 8 months old. When we first met he wasn't smoking pot...just drinking way too much beer. About six months after we met he began smoking pot again and although he has tried to quit has not been able to do so. I myself do not smoke pot and it really bothers me to watch my husband who is a hard working, intelligent man get stoned to the point of not even being aware of what is going on around him. I personally have a very hard time trying to understand why anyone would want to get look and act like a fool, but I know for a fact that if I tried to convince my husband to give up smoking pot it would be a dismal failure. I worry about what our son will think when he gets old enough to realize that there is something not quite right with his do I tell him that his dad is a stoned pot head?? I do believe that there is some benefit to the use of marijuana on a medical level but it is simply ridiculous on a recreational level. Now I also have a co worker of my husbands living with us so my husband has a cohort in smoking pot. I guess its a matter of love him or leave him and I just don't know if I could ever be happy if I leave him.

My heart just got really tugged.......i cant believe so many of us are going through this and such similar situations. My prayers for all

I can totally relate. I just recently ended a relationship with a man i found out smoked every day. We had a great relationship, but i knew it would be difficult long term for me. It ended 3 weeks ago and i have contatacted him a few times since, but he has no thoughts of quitting. He smokes alone and i think your right it is a relationship he has with the pot itself. Sad, but true. Im just trying to put my life back together and go on. If you would like my contact info let me know. Maybe we could support each other

like to be honest i know how you feel , because right now in this very moment i'm going to the same thing. I feel like there's nothing i can do to make him quiet and knowing he won't. I feel like every augment we have is about him smoking. And more then ever i hope for him to stop because i''m pregnant but yet he hasn't ! He always says his going to and promises me he will but that's all bullshit ! i just wish there was a way to make him stop !

Im in the same boat.......guess its just sink or swim it sucks i know

I feel very much the same way with my Fiance. I have never really been OK with the pot use even though I did used to smoke it on occasion with him but I also always voiced my concerns for how it affected him and we had a huge row about it when we first started dating. He quit smoking it and said he felt so much better - clear headed, more energy, stable - and I felt so proud of him and it made me love him even more.

Not long after, a life event caused him great stress and his only response to cope was to get stoned. Fast forward a year and a half later and he has been smoking regularly ever since. At night, weekends, holidays, vacations. It's his reflex to stress, sorrow, boredom and apparently the only way he can truly enjoy himself. Recently that's been the main excuse for why he wants to get stoned in the middle of the day - I just want to enjoy myself, can't I enjoy myself? But I feel the same way you do - why can't you enjoy yourself being with me without the pot? Am I that awful of a person that you have to dumb yourself down to be around me?

But even then it just becomes about food and eating like a disgusting pig (then whining about feeling fat a few days later or has the gall to belittle me if I drink sugary juice). Holidays wind up with him passing out early from being way too stoned and we can't just go out for a night just the two of us - he has to invite his friends so that he has a buddy to smoke pot with.

It makes him incredibly angry, also, and he nearly lost his job a few weeks ago because of his anger issues and he becomes more emotional than a pregnant woman when he's coming down the next day. He claims it's who he is and he's not changing and sadly I can't cope with a life of anger, running from problems and feeling like a piece of **** because he needs to be stoned to enjoy himself around me (and it's so much fun to watch him in a daze watching garbage TV while playing on a tablet for endless hours).

I know this thread is so old but I have no idea where to post this/ who to turn to (read to see why we can't afford counseling) and I need to get it out. My husband and I have been married for 6.5 years. We have two beautiful children, ages 3 & 5. I don't work, I stay home with the kids. I have thought about going back to work but I won't be able to get anything around here that would pay me enough to cover the cost of childcare. My husband who is the sole provider has had the same job for 7 years. We recently moved to a high cost of living area, but unfortunately his company doesn't give raises or bonuses anymore. The salary he makes now was a "good" salary about 10 years ago, but now it's an entry level salary now. They do random drug testing. He cant look for another (better paying) job (which is 95% of the jobs out there that he is qualified for) because there is no way he could pass a drug test. He thinks he is getting paid big bucks now, and can therefore afford this addiction because he deserves it (for making the big bucks). We are struggling to make ends meet and with debt due to past medical issues and his current addiction. When I express this concern to him, he shrugs it off and says "it'll all work out," but I wonder how we will be able to put food on the table next month. Still, that doesn't stop him from spending upwards of $200/month on pot (this month it's about to be $600!). I love him, but I feel that for the sake of my children's future it is time we leave (solely because of his addiction that he refuses to address or even acknowledge.) However, with our piles of debts, no assets, and his piddly salary there is no way we can afford it. I feel so trapped and there is no one I can turn to. I tell him if he buys pot I can't afford to buy food for the kids, he just rolls his eyes because, hey, we still have a credit card that's not maxed out yet! Aside from the obvious problems now (we can't afford to live if he continues to smoke all "our" money away), what happens when he gets pulled over and arrested? I can't afford bail money or impound fees. Not to mention, he will most definitely lose his job (it involves driving a company vehicle daily). Right now, I am trying to decide which of the kids christmas presents I can box up and take back to the store to help finance his addiction, because if I don't there's a good chance our heat will get turned off or car would get reposed or we can't eat. I guess if he won't give it up then the rest of us need to give everything up to survive. When I try to tell him all of this he just gets mad and says "it'll all work out"

I am not married to my current boyfriend but we have been together for almost 7 years and for almost 5-6 of those years I have had a problem dealing with it. I know this post, as well as the comments, are fairly old but I relate. Another thing that NOBODY on this has pointed out is that weed, like you said has positive qualities, ultimately alters someone`s reality making it even harder to connect & experience things (everyday life or big events) on the same wavelength or page/reality. A prime (small) comparison or example of this, is when someone is high they find the smallest things or the dumbest jokes to be funny where as someone sober does not and makes life harder to be relatable with.

I know how you feel. I do have a problem with it but have tried to be tolerant bc I love my husband. The first 4 years we were together he didn't do it but then started sneaking around doing it bc he believed I'd divorce him over it. It came to a point I knew he was doing that or cheating. While not proud of it but the dishonesty was killing our relationship I checked his phone and found he was smoking weed so finally for the sake of our marriage and my love for him I told him I knew and was going to accept it because I know given any type of ultimatum between me and weed well lets just say I know where I stand. I did but being a less than paycheck to paycheck family the money he spent bugged me. Then he got that in check kinda and he started school. Without my asking said he was gonna stop while in school what a fool I was bc nop he didn't instead decided he needs it to concentrate. Well the his 14 year old son started stealing and smoking it which put me at another breaking point because I'm not living in a house full of potheads. He came to me and said he made a deal with his son they'd both stop. I was relieved if he didn't care enough for me at least he cared enough about being a good role model for his son. Of course he didn't stop yet he claims no addiction its a choice. He also has terrible tooth pain that he says he needs it for. There's always a reason but never addiction. We used to go to pastoral care for counseling but after leaving there a few times him saying he knows what they want to hear that's useless too. Now after him saying he was going to stop and my believing him I'm not doing real well with acceptance. I'm also under employed and spend a large amount

Sorry post messed up but I'm under employed and he makes fair money but not anything big so he acts like he's entitled to spend what he wants on weed and cigs and I'm don't deserve anything.

Im goin through that now with my boyfriend. I love him more then he will ever know. But i feel like there is three of us. Him, me and maryjane. Yeah i feel cheated on. We fight like cats and dogs. I try to accept it, but when he chooses. It over me, yeah my anger gets flared up. I cant stay quiet about how i feel. If i ask him to choose it that maryjane

I even joined with him smoking too, its not my thing, just trying to make him happy. It breaks my heart that he wnt even think about my feelings on it. So now. Im sick of the fighting and let hin have maryjane

I have the same issue and feel just like you. I have thought about leaving him but like u said my husband is so great but the pot thing is not good for me I hate that he picks ur over me all the time. I feel like I should be number one. It is so great that I'm not the only one that feel this way and that we feel so much the same. Thank you for posting

I know that this is an old thread, and I actually wasn't a member until I stumbled upon your post through a google search. I hope that you can give me some insight, because I feel all alone in this struggle. My fiance and I have been together for almost 2 years, we have a baby boy too. When we first met, he was a heavy pot smoker. I was never ok with it, I haven't ever smoked, and never really cared to. After he and I were exclusively dating, and became a couple, I told him that it really bothered me. I essentially gave him an ultimatum because I didn't want to be in a serious relationship with someone who smoked. He chose to continue the relationship, but quit smoking. Almost 2 years later, after we're engaged and have a baby together, he tells me that he has always resented me for making him make a choice between me and pot. He goes on to say that he would make the same choice again, that there is "no contest" between our son, me, and pot. But in the same sentence he will tell me that he wishes he had the opportunity to smoke, and that he wishes it wasn't a big deal. He WANTS to, even if he isn't doing it and he said he probably will always be unhappy about it. I am torn, like previous posters, because part of me just wants to take it upon myself and tell him that it's "ok" for him to smoke and just deal with the turmoil that comes with it. The other part of me wants to stand my ground and allow him to make the choice for himself; family or a drug. I relate to all of the other posts about this topic, the only thing that really sticks out as different is that he has quit smoking. I'm having a hard time dealing with the fact that he wishes I would smoke with him. Just knowing that he wants to change me? There are other things he's mentioned as well, that he wishes were different about me. It just overall makes me feel like I'm not good enough, and that he'd be happier with someone else. Again, part of me wants to just try and get over it while the other part wants to stand my ground. I worry that if I stand my ground, we'll continue on with our lives and either A) he'll start smoking a lie about it B) he'll start smoking and I won't be able to handle it so we'll split up or C) he will just always tell me that he's unhappy about it and it will continue to nag at our relationship. This has been a 4 month long ongoing conversation. We have yet to reach a conclusion. I am just so torn up. I feel alone, and neglected. I feel like I don't matter and like I'm not good enough. I just can't figure out what is going to be best for us in the long run. Would we both be happier if we split up now? Not right away, but eventually? I know you can't answer those questions for me, they're just hypothetical...this is just tearing me up inside. I don't know how to handle it.

Hi there, thank you for posting this. I think the more we all share these experiences the less alone we feel, you're not alone I promise. The first thing that jumps out to me is this: You gave him an ultimatum (which makes your position very clear), and HE chose to quit. HE made a choice. At the risk of sounding harsh, either he sticks by it or he doesn't. He doesn't have the right to try and manipulate you with guilt, telling you he wishes things we different. It's unfair to drag you through this gray area of "I chose family over pot but I'm not ever gonna be happy about it." Does he realize that's what he's doing? Even though he's not smoking, it's almost like he is. He may as well if you are still "dealing with turmoil." You both want to change something about the other, so either he accepts that HE chose family over pot, end of story... you give him another ultimatum: work on accepting his decision and let it go for the sake of your family or this isn't going to work... or you keep living with this pain not knowing what to do (not recommended). Here is what I resonate most with in your post: it makes you feel not good enough, alone, neglected, like you don't matter. I want you to realize this is the most the crucial issue here. I was caught in this trap for too long and it almost ruined me. You and your relationship with him has nothing to do with him smoking, or wanting to smoke. That's all him. It has nothing to do with you, and you must make this separation. Any feelings you have about being inferior, not good enough, or all alone are the result of you basing yourself on his decisions, his choices. My husband chose pot over me for so long that I felt worthless and my life was meaningless, until I realized I had to care about myself, and do anything in my power to rebuild myself. I wish you luck, it will work out for the best, just listen to your gut instincts.

One other thing I forgot to mention, for me I found the struggle to come from the conflict between my mind and my heart/gut/intuition. The part of you that says to take it upon yourself and deal is your mind (to avoid creating conflict, keep your family together, maintain harmony), and the other part of you wanting to stand your ground is your gut. In my opinion, always, always go with your gut. You can fight it, but you can't win. You lose yourself. Everyone's situation is different, but you have to do what's ultimately in your best interest. Don't settle.

Hey, I feel the same exact way. He has such a fascination with maryjane, he reads articles, watches documentaries, such a deep interest. There is no way he will stop, but I feel like I married him as a pot head and so I should have known better , figured it would be left behind with our youth. No still on a regular basis, very sensitive if he doesnt smoke for a week. Now I have to figure out if I can accept it so it doesn't ruin our marriage or if I should leave. If it is legalized does that mean finding a man that doesn't smoke pot will be impossible?

This is pretty old, but I feel the need to post something. I've been dealing with the same issue with my boyfriend... We've only been dating a year, but his pot smoking has had a large impact on our relationship thus far, to the point where we've gotten into several fights about it before and nothing is ever resolved.
You can't quit something unless you decide to quit for yourself. It's just a fact. My boyfriend tells me that he wants to quit for me, but realistically he won't be able to. He needs it, wants it, craves it. I know I should be more supporting of his quitting, but he's just going to end up making himself unhappy (and me unhappy as well) without it and he's going to relapse unless he wants to quit for himself.
I have no issues with pot itself. It's not a hard drug and it does make my boyfriend feel like he can be happy and okay with everything that's going on, good or bad.
The issues I do have lie within my own opinions/feelings.
For one thing, it is super costly. It can drain your finances pretty bad if you've got a lot more on your plate. That's one of the issues we're having- we just can't afford his habit and it exhausts me.
For another, I feel like it is absolutely life-consuming. I know a LOT of stoners. And although it may be a stereotype- they are all super lazy and completely irresponsible. All they ever do, think about, or want, is pot. It practically disgusts me. I really don't want my boyfriend to turn into a pot-zombie. It's one of my greatest fears. How in the world would I be able to become successful if he's dragging me down with all his pot-zombieness?
On one hand, I feel as though this relationship won't be worth it in the long run. I feel as if I wouldn't/won't be able to put up with it as long as he wants to smoke it. I definitely don't want it near my future children. I do not want it to influence them.
On the other, I feel like I should be more open-minded and accepting of this. I need to realise he is human and just wants to be happy. It's not a terrible thing, right? But at the same time, it's not a good thing either. Sad thing is, he uses pot as a coping mechanism for reality. But can I blame him?
I'm having trouble decided which side of my heart I should be taking. I love him dearly and all I really want is for him to be the best he can be, but I don't feel like he can be the best he can be if he continues to smoke. He says he has goals and ambitions that he wants to accomplish and I'm happy to hear that (because honestly, a lot of pot smokers don't), but it's just whether I believe he will stick with these goals that need to worry about. I care about him and his health, but there's really not much I can do- he's addicted and no matter what he chooses to do about his addiction (indulge in it or try to quit) it's a lose-lose situation.
I love him and would do anything to continue our relationship, even if it means compromising on the fact that he smokes pot, but I still wonder, "Will the struggle really be worth it? Will I be able to live with and support his habit for the rest of my life?"
Seems like a lot of you are having the same problem...

Thank you so much for commenting on my story. I haven't read my post in a very long time, but your comment popped up in my inbox and here I am. Wow. Reading your words, I can feel the conflict and confusion like it was yesterday. My situation was almost identical. I was in love, he had ambition, I believed he could make something of himself, and I struggled with trying to accept his pot addiction while feeling in my gut something was very wrong, and I was always compromising.
This is all in past -tense bc we are now divorced. That post was July 2009. I lived with intense inner turmoil until I literally snapped in Dec 2010. During that time I learned to stop voicing my concerns and feelings to him bc they were always rejected and dismissed. He told me I was the problem, that I was controlling and selfish and was trying to change him. I fell silent, and resentment grew in me like a virus. I was the only one taking responsibility for our lives, supporting us financially with massive debt- any extra money went to drugs- I lost 25 lbs in 3 months from stress.
Finally I said enough. I was tired of feeling alone, disregarded and hurt. I took care of him 100%, no one was taking care of me. I filed for divorce May 2011. Leaving him was the hardest thing I've ever done, bc I loved him very, very much. I still feel guilt but it's getting better. I moved across the country to start fresh. I'm healthy, happy, in a good financial situation, met new healthy friends, and I have a great relationship with someone I would love to have kids with at some point. I didn't have any of that before.
I didn't speak with my ex-husband for a yr and half, but I went to see him last Dec to try and resolve some feelings. Nothing's changed. He still hates life and sees no reason to live it. It broke my heart all over again.
Sorry this response got lengthy. I want to encourage you to do what you feel in your gut,.what you feel inside when your head hits that pillow at night. Own your power, make your life how you want it to be. I thought I was proving my love and devotion by staying with him and sacrificing my happiness. In reality I was hurting both of us. Just trust yourself.

I know this is a few years old but wow I could have wrote that exact same thing about my husband. But it has now gotten to the point where if he isnt high he will become so angry he will punch the walls or so upset he starts crying. He went to the psychiatrist and was diagnosed as bipolar. They put him on all sorts of medications that made him a drooling zombie. He said the weed was the only thing that makes him feel better. I agree with you that marijuana should be legalized. It is the only thing so far that makes my husband feel calm and happy so I make sure he always has some. He only needs a pinch hit here or there and hes great. So i wouldnt make too big a deal about it. What i realized is he doesnt smoke pot bc I am lacking in some way. He smokes it because it makes him feel better. So i say go for it. Im not saying your husband is bipolar but you may want him to try and figure out why he feels the need to be high all the time. I agonized for years about this but finally decided to just let it go and be happy myself.

Hi Kris529- I'm reading this post and the responses for the first time in a long time, and I'm curious to know how things are going? I admire you for being able to maintain your own sense of self and happiness by letting it go, I tried that route for a long time but was unsuccessful. What you describe is the only way I could see that relationship staying strong- both people doing what they want to be happy. My husband and I (now ex-husband) were too codependent I think. I had to leave. It's been since Aug that you wrote that, any update you'd like to share I'd be very interested. Thanks!

I know this is an old string but maybe some folks are interested in reviving it? I am 33, married for almost two years and have been with my husband for about 6 years. He is a great guy, very funny and a go-getter. I love him very much. Our one hang up is weed. Smoking is his favorite thing to do and marijuana is his favorite subject to talk about. This wouldn't even bother me that much, since I smoke too about 1x/week, but when he smokes he gets all hyper-active and starts saying things that don't really make much sense to me. He doesn't express himself very well and starts to sound like he is uneducated and uses words improperly. Its embarrassing to me. It makes him sound like an idiot. I travel a lot for work and when I come home I'll see all this writing and sometimes some drawings that are just kind of strange and I think he thinks he is being really deep and philosophical but to me its mostly gibberish. Its a complete turn off! Also, he gets really enamored with certain people when he's stoned...if they are eclectic and musically talented then its game on. Just yesterday he had an unexpected day off work and it started out pretty productive but then, of course, noon rolls around and he gets high and then he walks down the street and stumbles upon a street performer that's singing/playing some of his favorite artists's songs and then two hours later that guy is at our house having lunch and my husband is acting like a groupie, waiting on him hand and foot and being all giddy. The kid was cool and all, and super talented. But my husband was saying stuff to him and you could tell the kid was scratching his head a little bit at some of the stuff my hubby was saying. He gets really spastic. He definitely has ADD. We have all of these paintings hung on our walls that he has partially completed. That's another thing. He never fully finishes anything he's working on. I can point to dozens of projects (which I am thankful that he has the get-up to even start) that are not fully completed. For example, he remodeled our house but there are a few walls that were closed in but they haven't been taped and painted. When I bring any of this up his immediate reaction is to get super defensive and he turns it around on me, saying that if it wasn't pot it would be something else and I just want to ***** at him. I wish I could just let it go and be okay with him being a pot head because most of the time I love him so much and we have a great life together, but pot is definitely becoming more and more of an issue for us and its to the point now where I am hesitant to make major life decisions that would "lock me in" to being with him (i.e. kids, buying land together) because I'm afraid I'll be trapped in a relationship that I may want to bail on if this issue continues to grow. I think what I need to do is to write a letter to him and tell him all of this but I honestly don't know that it'll do any good. I am pretty sure that he'll never give up weed, to the point that he'd probably give up me first and blame it on something else in our relationship that went wrong. I just wish he could be the kind of guy that does it once a week socially and doesn't get all haywire on it. It sucks that something I really support the legalization and use of can be such a detriment to my own relationship.

Just wondering if you ever wrote that letter, and how things are going? I feel for you so much reading what you said. I struggled with those feelings of being in love but not wanting to have kids or "lock myself in" too, bc I could see things getting worse, and they did. We're now divorced, I left him and am trying to move on with my life in the healthiest way I can. My ex-husband ended up resenting me and blaming me for all the problems we were having, when I felt I was just trying to save us. It only ended up hurting me so I decided to take responsibility for myself and my own problems. I ended up getting healthy and he did not. I hope things are working out for you, be interested to hear!

Hello, I'm so glad to finally see someone experience what I'm going through. (though I see your post is very old) My husband didn't smoke when I met him, and didn't for 11 years since his job tested for it. Now, after promotion, no longer gets tested. So, he started smoking. OMG, I've never seen it make someone so hyper-active! I'm not even kidding. This is ridiculous and embarrassing... I don't even feel like he's my husband when we're making love. When high, he's not the big sophisticated man I married. He's so different and I don't even think he remembers the next day. He LOVES it and says I'm crazy when I say it makes him hyper. I tell him he "speeds" on it. so now, he lies about doing it... like a wife of 10+ years doesn't know you. I don't need to smell it, I instantly see the personality change and my calm, quiet, strong man is hyper and jabbering about "everything" and once picked up 2 girls from a bar, came home and told me about it-all excited, wanted us to go to dinner with them. 2 perfect strangers! Why he says? Cause their hubby "back at the hotel" has 'medical marijuana" and he thinks that's "so cool" he wanted to meet the guy... oh my god. I have no one to talk to. someone please reply with some "support" and tell me how a depressant can make someone sooooo hyper ? I just want my husband back... not likely now. he loves it too much.

It is horrible. I am depressed and overwhelmed everyday....I smoked for years when I was young. I am now trapped. My hubby Is a nice guy but cannot accomplish a single task because he is baked all day. We have three kids and can'T leave him but I wish I would have realized how hard it really is to be with someone who is just way too stoned to care about ANYTHING! He can't be around people that don't smoke...his social skills got so weird with age. I am embarrassed constantly of his whole personality and our lives. People don't understand how I have a good job and we have nothing. Car stinks. He stinks. And now there is no sex either. It is so depressing. People say just leave but how?? How do u just leave?

It's been almost a year since your comment, how are things now? I ended up leaving in May 2011, it was gut-wrenching, agonizing, like a knife in my heart for a very long time and I still struggle with guilt .. but I knew that would fade and a better life for me would be waiting. I used to say to people, I don't know how I could do this (leave), survive this, if I had kids with him. How could I put them through that, when I myself am a child from divorce... I think the only answer is what you feel in your heart. Above all else, you have to take care of yourself, and put what you need first. I didn't do that, and I found myself severely neglected. Deciding to take charge was the best thing I've ever done. 2 books really helped me during that time by Melody Beattie: Codependent No More, and Beyond Codependency. My eyes were opened to more possibilities, beyond just living with overwhelming depression. I hope things have gotten better for you, thank you for your comment.

My Turn... I have been with mine ten yrs. I gave up alot to move to be with him. We now have two children. He bella me here and there with some things, he will cook and take the kids to School,etc. But This guy will not work he hasnt had a Job since the day i moved here. I started a business and its a decent one but i get no help financially. Now Im 33 and I want out. Point is he will not change. Get going before another 5 yrs pass or you have a child. We have been thru alot no doubt but it was a result of me being depressed from all the stress.

I feel your pain. Have you considered going to an Al-Anon meeting? It could really help and change the way you deal with his addiction. And given enough time, I think you will have clarity about what you need to do one way or the other.<br />
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I wish you peace :)

Really? Please disregard the comment before mine. Marijuana isn't that dangerous as other drugs, but your husband is abusing it. I don't think anyone suggested that alcohol isn't mood altering... and one would obviously have a problem if they were constantly drunk- the same goes for weed. If you think that he is having emotional and mental problems, and he always high, he is using the drug as an escape from his problems. You deserve better. I would suggest maybe giving him the ultimatum of seeing a counselor or losing you. That way he knows that it is him you are worried about, not just the drug.

you are one dumb ***** for marrying him thinking you would change him. STFU, seems like you need some more than he does.