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Dealing With My Husband's Pot Smoking

I have a wonderful relationship with my husband of 5 years, we are basically inseparable. There is just one little nagging issue that seems to be growing deeper; he would always rather be high. I honestly feel like there are three of us in the marriage, me, him, and mary jane. I feel a little cheated, I didn't sign up for this. To be clear, I have no problem with weed in itself, if I could legalize the stuff this second I would. I believe it has many great qualities and is no more harmful than alcohol, possibly less so. The main issue is not the plant, it's that my husband feels he needs it to be normal. Despite knowing how it makes me feel, he still chooses to smoke. He would always rather smoke with someone, but has no problem doing it alone if he "has to". I feel hurt because it appears that just spending time with me is not enough for him, he is not truly content without smoking. I don't understand why he needs it. He told me the other day I need to give up wanting and wishing for a husband that doesn't smoke, because he always will and I need to accept it. It broke my heart and even now brings tears. I used to fight it, we would argue, it got really ugly. I thought about leaving him for the first time ever. Now I know I can't change him, if I gave him an ultimatum he might let me go. He thinks I am trying to take away something that he loves, when in all honesty I don't believe he is healthy mentally or emotionally and I just want the best for him. He has started therapy to help him deal with some deep rooted issues and I can only hope it leads him to feel ok sober. Who knows how long it could take, and maybe I'm stupid for hoping. These days I try to remind myself to be accepting of him no matter what, but inevitably my anger and resentment creep back. It is a daily struggle. I am writing this in the hopes that someone out there knows how I feel or can relate.
expressyoself expressyoself 26-30, F 13 Responses Jul 16, 2010

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I know how you feel. I do have a problem with it but have tried to be tolerant bc I love my husband. The first 4 years we were together he didn't do it but then started sneaking around doing it bc he believed I'd divorce him over it. It came to a point I knew he was doing that or cheating. While not proud of it but the dishonesty was killing our relationship I checked his phone and found he was smoking weed so finally for the sake of our marriage and my love for him I told him I knew and was going to accept it because I know given any type of ultimatum between me and weed well lets just say I know where I stand. I did but being a less than paycheck to paycheck family the money he spent bugged me. Then he got that in check kinda and he started school. Without my asking said he was gonna stop while in school what a fool I was bc nop he didn't instead decided he needs it to concentrate. Well the his 14 year old son started stealing and smoking it which put me at another breaking point because I'm not living in a house full of potheads. He came to me and said he made a deal with his son they'd both stop. I was relieved if he didn't care enough for me at least he cared enough about being a good role model for his son. Of course he didn't stop yet he claims no addiction its a choice. He also has terrible tooth pain that he says he needs it for. There's always a reason but never addiction. We used to go to pastoral care for counseling but after leaving there a few times him saying he knows what they want to hear that's useless too. Now after him saying he was going to stop and my believing him I'm not doing real well with acceptance. I'm also under employed and spend a large amount

Sorry post messed up but I'm under employed and he makes fair money but not anything big so he acts like he's entitled to spend what he wants on weed and cigs and I'm don't deserve anything.

Im goin through that now with my boyfriend. I love him more then he will ever know. But i feel like there is three of us. Him, me and maryjane. Yeah i feel cheated on. We fight like cats and dogs. I try to accept it, but when he chooses. It over me, yeah my anger gets flared up. I cant stay quiet about how i feel. If i ask him to choose it that maryjane

I even joined with him smoking too, its not my thing, just trying to make him happy. It breaks my heart that he wnt even think about my feelings on it. So now. Im sick of the fighting and let hin have maryjane

I have the same issue and feel just like you. I have thought about leaving him but like u said my husband is so great but the pot thing is not good for me I hate that he picks ur over me all the time. I feel like I should be number one. It is so great that I'm not the only one that feel this way and that we feel so much the same. Thank you for posting

I know that this is an old thread, and I actually wasn't a member until I stumbled upon your post through a google search. I hope that you can give me some insight, because I feel all alone in this struggle. My fiance and I have been together for almost 2 years, we have a baby boy too. When we first met, he was a heavy pot smoker. I was never ok with it, I haven't ever smoked, and never really cared to. After he and I were exclusively dating, and became a couple, I told him that it really bothered me. I essentially gave him an ultimatum because I didn't want to be in a serious relationship with someone who smoked. He chose to continue the relationship, but quit smoking. Almost 2 years later, after we're engaged and have a baby together, he tells me that he has always resented me for making him make a choice between me and pot. He goes on to say that he would make the same choice again, that there is "no contest" between our son, me, and pot. But in the same sentence he will tell me that he wishes he had the opportunity to smoke, and that he wishes it wasn't a big deal. He WANTS to, even if he isn't doing it and he said he probably will always be unhappy about it. I am torn, like previous posters, because part of me just wants to take it upon myself and tell him that it's "ok" for him to smoke and just deal with the turmoil that comes with it. The other part of me wants to stand my ground and allow him to make the choice for himself; family or a drug. I relate to all of the other posts about this topic, the only thing that really sticks out as different is that he has quit smoking. I'm having a hard time dealing with the fact that he wishes I would smoke with him. Just knowing that he wants to change me? There are other things he's mentioned as well, that he wishes were different about me. It just overall makes me feel like I'm not good enough, and that he'd be happier with someone else. Again, part of me wants to just try and get over it while the other part wants to stand my ground. I worry that if I stand my ground, we'll continue on with our lives and either A) he'll start smoking a lie about it B) he'll start smoking and I won't be able to handle it so we'll split up or C) he will just always tell me that he's unhappy about it and it will continue to nag at our relationship. This has been a 4 month long ongoing conversation. We have yet to reach a conclusion. I am just so torn up. I feel alone, and neglected. I feel like I don't matter and like I'm not good enough. I just can't figure out what is going to be best for us in the long run. Would we both be happier if we split up now? Not right away, but eventually? I know you can't answer those questions for me, they're just hypothetical...this is just tearing me up inside. I don't know how to handle it.

Hi there, thank you for posting this. I think the more we all share these experiences the less alone we feel, you're not alone I promise. The first thing that jumps out to me is this: You gave him an ultimatum (which makes your position very clear), and HE chose to quit. HE made a choice. At the risk of sounding harsh, either he sticks by it or he doesn't. He doesn't have the right to try and manipulate you with guilt, telling you he wishes things we different. It's unfair to drag you through this gray area of "I chose family over pot but I'm not ever gonna be happy about it." Does he realize that's what he's doing? Even though he's not smoking, it's almost like he is. He may as well if you are still "dealing with turmoil." You both want to change something about the other, so either he accepts that HE chose family over pot, end of story... you give him another ultimatum: work on accepting his decision and let it go for the sake of your family or this isn't going to work... or you keep living with this pain not knowing what to do (not recommended). Here is what I resonate most with in your post: it makes you feel not good enough, alone, neglected, like you don't matter. I want you to realize this is the most the crucial issue here. I was caught in this trap for too long and it almost ruined me. You and your relationship with him has nothing to do with him smoking, or wanting to smoke. That's all him. It has nothing to do with you, and you must make this separation. Any feelings you have about being inferior, not good enough, or all alone are the result of you basing yourself on his decisions, his choices. My husband chose pot over me for so long that I felt worthless and my life was meaningless, until I realized I had to care about myself, and do anything in my power to rebuild myself. I wish you luck, it will work out for the best, just listen to your gut instincts.

One other thing I forgot to mention, for me I found the struggle to come from the conflict between my mind and my heart/gut/intuition. The part of you that says to take it upon yourself and deal is your mind (to avoid creating conflict, keep your family together, maintain harmony), and the other part of you wanting to stand your ground is your gut. In my opinion, always, always go with your gut. You can fight it, but you can't win. You lose yourself. Everyone's situation is different, but you have to do what's ultimately in your best interest. Don't settle.

Hey, I feel the same exact way. He has such a fascination with maryjane, he reads articles, watches documentaries, such a deep interest. There is no way he will stop, but I feel like I married him as a pot head and so I should have known better , figured it would be left behind with our youth. No still on a regular basis, very sensitive if he doesnt smoke for a week. Now I have to figure out if I can accept it so it doesn't ruin our marriage or if I should leave. If it is legalized does that mean finding a man that doesn't smoke pot will be impossible?

This is pretty old, but I feel the need to post something. I've been dealing with the same issue with my boyfriend... We've only been dating a year, but his pot smoking has had a large impact on our relationship thus far, to the point where we've gotten into several fights about it before and nothing is ever resolved.
You can't quit something unless you decide to quit for yourself. It's just a fact. My boyfriend tells me that he wants to quit for me, but realistically he won't be able to. He needs it, wants it, craves it. I know I should be more supporting of his quitting, but he's just going to end up making himself unhappy (and me unhappy as well) without it and he's going to relapse unless he wants to quit for himself.
I have no issues with pot itself. It's not a hard drug and it does make my boyfriend feel like he can be happy and okay with everything that's going on, good or bad.
The issues I do have lie within my own opinions/feelings.
For one thing, it is super costly. It can drain your finances pretty bad if you've got a lot more on your plate. That's one of the issues we're having- we just can't afford his habit and it exhausts me.
For another, I feel like it is absolutely life-consuming. I know a LOT of stoners. And although it may be a stereotype- they are all super lazy and completely irresponsible. All they ever do, think about, or want, is pot. It practically disgusts me. I really don't want my boyfriend to turn into a pot-zombie. It's one of my greatest fears. How in the world would I be able to become successful if he's dragging me down with all his pot-zombieness?
On one hand, I feel as though this relationship won't be worth it in the long run. I feel as if I wouldn't/won't be able to put up with it as long as he wants to smoke it. I definitely don't want it near my future children. I do not want it to influence them.
On the other, I feel like I should be more open-minded and accepting of this. I need to realise he is human and just wants to be happy. It's not a terrible thing, right? But at the same time, it's not a good thing either. Sad thing is, he uses pot as a coping mechanism for reality. But can I blame him?
I'm having trouble decided which side of my heart I should be taking. I love him dearly and all I really want is for him to be the best he can be, but I don't feel like he can be the best he can be if he continues to smoke. He says he has goals and ambitions that he wants to accomplish and I'm happy to hear that (because honestly, a lot of pot smokers don't), but it's just whether I believe he will stick with these goals that need to worry about. I care about him and his health, but there's really not much I can do- he's addicted and no matter what he chooses to do about his addiction (indulge in it or try to quit) it's a lose-lose situation.
I love him and would do anything to continue our relationship, even if it means compromising on the fact that he smokes pot, but I still wonder, "Will the struggle really be worth it? Will I be able to live with and support his habit for the rest of my life?"
Seems like a lot of you are having the same problem...

Thank you so much for commenting on my story. I haven't read my post in a very long time, but your comment popped up in my inbox and here I am. Wow. Reading your words, I can feel the conflict and confusion like it was yesterday. My situation was almost identical. I was in love, he had ambition, I believed he could make something of himself, and I struggled with trying to accept his pot addiction while feeling in my gut something was very wrong, and I was always compromising.
This is all in past -tense bc we are now divorced. That post was July 2009. I lived with intense inner turmoil until I literally snapped in Dec 2010. During that time I learned to stop voicing my concerns and feelings to him bc they were always rejected and dismissed. He told me I was the problem, that I was controlling and selfish and was trying to change him. I fell silent, and resentment grew in me like a virus. I was the only one taking responsibility for our lives, supporting us financially with massive debt- any extra money went to drugs- I lost 25 lbs in 3 months from stress.
Finally I said enough. I was tired of feeling alone, disregarded and hurt. I took care of him 100%, no one was taking care of me. I filed for divorce May 2011. Leaving him was the hardest thing I've ever done, bc I loved him very, very much. I still feel guilt but it's getting better. I moved across the country to start fresh. I'm healthy, happy, in a good financial situation, met new healthy friends, and I have a great relationship with someone I would love to have kids with at some point. I didn't have any of that before.
I didn't speak with my ex-husband for a yr and half, but I went to see him last Dec to try and resolve some feelings. Nothing's changed. He still hates life and sees no reason to live it. It broke my heart all over again.
Sorry this response got lengthy. I want to encourage you to do what you feel in your gut,.what you feel inside when your head hits that pillow at night. Own your power, make your life how you want it to be. I thought I was proving my love and devotion by staying with him and sacrificing my happiness. In reality I was hurting both of us. Just trust yourself.

I know this is a few years old but wow I could have wrote that exact same thing about my husband. But it has now gotten to the point where if he isnt high he will become so angry he will punch the walls or so upset he starts crying. He went to the psychiatrist and was diagnosed as bipolar. They put him on all sorts of medications that made him a drooling zombie. He said the weed was the only thing that makes him feel better. I agree with you that marijuana should be legalized. It is the only thing so far that makes my husband feel calm and happy so I make sure he always has some. He only needs a pinch hit here or there and hes great. So i wouldnt make too big a deal about it. What i realized is he doesnt smoke pot bc I am lacking in some way. He smokes it because it makes him feel better. So i say go for it. Im not saying your husband is bipolar but you may want him to try and figure out why he feels the need to be high all the time. I agonized for years about this but finally decided to just let it go and be happy myself.

Hi Kris529- I'm reading this post and the responses for the first time in a long time, and I'm curious to know how things are going? I admire you for being able to maintain your own sense of self and happiness by letting it go, I tried that route for a long time but was unsuccessful. What you describe is the only way I could see that relationship staying strong- both people doing what they want to be happy. My husband and I (now ex-husband) were too codependent I think. I had to leave. It's been since Aug that you wrote that, any update you'd like to share I'd be very interested. Thanks!

I know this is an old string but maybe some folks are interested in reviving it? I am 33, married for almost two years and have been with my husband for about 6 years. He is a great guy, very funny and a go-getter. I love him very much. Our one hang up is weed. Smoking is his favorite thing to do and marijuana is his favorite subject to talk about. This wouldn't even bother me that much, since I smoke too about 1x/week, but when he smokes he gets all hyper-active and starts saying things that don't really make much sense to me. He doesn't express himself very well and starts to sound like he is uneducated and uses words improperly. Its embarrassing to me. It makes him sound like an idiot. I travel a lot for work and when I come home I'll see all this writing and sometimes some drawings that are just kind of strange and I think he thinks he is being really deep and philosophical but to me its mostly gibberish. Its a complete turn off! Also, he gets really enamored with certain people when he's stoned...if they are eclectic and musically talented then its game on. Just yesterday he had an unexpected day off work and it started out pretty productive but then, of course, noon rolls around and he gets high and then he walks down the street and stumbles upon a street performer that's singing/playing some of his favorite artists's songs and then two hours later that guy is at our house having lunch and my husband is acting like a groupie, waiting on him hand and foot and being all giddy. The kid was cool and all, and super talented. But my husband was saying stuff to him and you could tell the kid was scratching his head a little bit at some of the stuff my hubby was saying. He gets really spastic. He definitely has ADD. We have all of these paintings hung on our walls that he has partially completed. That's another thing. He never fully finishes anything he's working on. I can point to dozens of projects (which I am thankful that he has the get-up to even start) that are not fully completed. For example, he remodeled our house but there are a few walls that were closed in but they haven't been taped and painted. When I bring any of this up his immediate reaction is to get super defensive and he turns it around on me, saying that if it wasn't pot it would be something else and I just want to ***** at him. I wish I could just let it go and be okay with him being a pot head because most of the time I love him so much and we have a great life together, but pot is definitely becoming more and more of an issue for us and its to the point now where I am hesitant to make major life decisions that would "lock me in" to being with him (i.e. kids, buying land together) because I'm afraid I'll be trapped in a relationship that I may want to bail on if this issue continues to grow. I think what I need to do is to write a letter to him and tell him all of this but I honestly don't know that it'll do any good. I am pretty sure that he'll never give up weed, to the point that he'd probably give up me first and blame it on something else in our relationship that went wrong. I just wish he could be the kind of guy that does it once a week socially and doesn't get all haywire on it. It sucks that something I really support the legalization and use of can be such a detriment to my own relationship.

Just wondering if you ever wrote that letter, and how things are going? I feel for you so much reading what you said. I struggled with those feelings of being in love but not wanting to have kids or "lock myself in" too, bc I could see things getting worse, and they did. We're now divorced, I left him and am trying to move on with my life in the healthiest way I can. My ex-husband ended up resenting me and blaming me for all the problems we were having, when I felt I was just trying to save us. It only ended up hurting me so I decided to take responsibility for myself and my own problems. I ended up getting healthy and he did not. I hope things are working out for you, be interested to hear!

Hello, I'm so glad to finally see someone experience what I'm going through. (though I see your post is very old) My husband didn't smoke when I met him, and didn't for 11 years since his job tested for it. Now, after promotion, no longer gets tested. So, he started smoking. OMG, I've never seen it make someone so hyper-active! I'm not even kidding. This is ridiculous and embarrassing... I don't even feel like he's my husband when we're making love. When high, he's not the big sophisticated man I married. He's so different and I don't even think he remembers the next day. He LOVES it and says I'm crazy when I say it makes him hyper. I tell him he "speeds" on it. so now, he lies about doing it... like a wife of 10+ years doesn't know you. I don't need to smell it, I instantly see the personality change and my calm, quiet, strong man is hyper and jabbering about "everything" and once picked up 2 girls from a bar, came home and told me about it-all excited, wanted us to go to dinner with them. 2 perfect strangers! Why he says? Cause their hubby "back at the hotel" has 'medical marijuana" and he thinks that's "so cool" he wanted to meet the guy... oh my god. I have no one to talk to. someone please reply with some "support" and tell me how a depressant can make someone sooooo hyper ? I just want my husband back... not likely now. he loves it too much.

It is horrible. I am depressed and overwhelmed everyday....I smoked for years when I was young. I am now trapped. My hubby Is a nice guy but cannot accomplish a single task because he is baked all day. We have three kids and can'T leave him but I wish I would have realized how hard it really is to be with someone who is just way too stoned to care about ANYTHING! He can't be around people that don't smoke...his social skills got so weird with age. I am embarrassed constantly of his whole personality and our lives. People don't understand how I have a good job and we have nothing. Car stinks. He stinks. And now there is no sex either. It is so depressing. People say just leave but how?? How do u just leave?

It's been almost a year since your comment, how are things now? I ended up leaving in May 2011, it was gut-wrenching, agonizing, like a knife in my heart for a very long time and I still struggle with guilt .. but I knew that would fade and a better life for me would be waiting. I used to say to people, I don't know how I could do this (leave), survive this, if I had kids with him. How could I put them through that, when I myself am a child from divorce... I think the only answer is what you feel in your heart. Above all else, you have to take care of yourself, and put what you need first. I didn't do that, and I found myself severely neglected. Deciding to take charge was the best thing I've ever done. 2 books really helped me during that time by Melody Beattie: Codependent No More, and Beyond Codependency. My eyes were opened to more possibilities, beyond just living with overwhelming depression. I hope things have gotten better for you, thank you for your comment.

My Turn... I have been with mine ten yrs. I gave up alot to move to be with him. We now have two children. He bella me here and there with some things, he will cook and take the kids to School,etc. But This guy will not work he hasnt had a Job since the day i moved here. I started a business and its a decent one but i get no help financially. Now Im 33 and I want out. Point is he will not change. Get going before another 5 yrs pass or you have a child. We have been thru alot no doubt but it was a result of me being depressed from all the stress.

I feel your pain. Have you considered going to an Al-Anon meeting? It could really help and change the way you deal with his addiction. And given enough time, I think you will have clarity about what you need to do one way or the other.<br />
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I wish you peace :)

Really? Please disregard the comment before mine. Marijuana isn't that dangerous as other drugs, but your husband is abusing it. I don't think anyone suggested that alcohol isn't mood altering... and one would obviously have a problem if they were constantly drunk- the same goes for weed. If you think that he is having emotional and mental problems, and he always high, he is using the drug as an escape from his problems. You deserve better. I would suggest maybe giving him the ultimatum of seeing a counselor or losing you. That way he knows that it is him you are worried about, not just the drug.

you are one dumb ***** for marrying him thinking you would change him. STFU, seems like you need some more than he does.