I Needed To Reboot My Emotional Hardrive As A Child

Yes, I have long needed to 'reboot'.

After my mother left when I was four, I literally forgot her due to the emotional trauma involved. I think this came as a sort of relief to my 64 year old father, who was a great provider, but not really equipped to deal with me missing her.

Of course I was very angry and that rage needed to be dealt with in a long term and intense way. The only thing I really got was some of the neighborhood mothers taking pity on me, but that was better than nothing.

I grew up fiercely independent, never revealing my many weaknesses, and feeling totally undeserving of a good life.

I have—at least—accomplished some significant things: a) multiple college degrees; b) outgoing personality; c) excellent leadership skills; d) excellent language teacher; e) very caring and supportive friend; and f) solid and aspiring writer.

But there is no reason to assume I couldn't have done these things—even better—without what some people would call the 'school of hard knocks' that I went through. What the tragedy in my early life cost me was immeasurable and should never happen to a young child.

If I am ever lucky enough to have children, I will be a Tiger Parent: 'killing' my kids with responsible love; demanding respect, hard work, and good grades; never allowing technology or social media to interfere with real relationships; and making sure there is a ton of good, clean fresh air and play. Of course, I will not be in the United States.

All I needed was rebooting when I was four. As painful as that might have been for me at the time, when I came out of it I could have started again.

As it is, I am a shell of a man who has never felt whole nor ever deserving of a good life or happiness. I did nothing wrong, so all I can hope for is that things get better in the 'next' life.
Southpaugh Southpaugh
18-21
May 6, 2012