My Daughter Hates Me Too

I am in the same place, all three of my children turned on me when my daughter and I had an argument and I told her off for letting me down on something. It was the first time I ever did that but she was being so selfish. She sent me an email that said f--- you and I hate you, don't ever try to see me and childre again, and that is the way it has been for 5 years. She took my two grandsons away and spent all of her time villifying me to my whole family to turn them against me using intimidtion and completely destroyed everything we had as a family. I have been crying for five years and don't see and end to it other than just passing away. The day I got that horrible email she snuffed out my sole, I am still in shock. I was a good mother, sacrificed and worked two jobs to keep all of them in a nice home and environment and yes I did love them, still do. Once they married, they just threw me away, still can't figure it out. Crying also.  

motherinpain motherinpain
11 Responses Feb 9, 2011

I'm guessing there is more to the story. There always is. People who are raised to be respectful and loving, and who were respected and loved themselves, do not turn their backs on their parents. There is a reason your children have turned their backs on you. I'm guessing you just haven't listened. It took my mom three years to figure out that she has to do the things she says she will do, or it will cause problems. This is after 13 years of screwing my life up because she would lie to me about things or make promises she never kept. Yet she doesn't remember any of it. So you think this generation is narcissistic? Yours doesn't listen and is so self-involved they don't even understand why their kids can't stand them.

I also love how parents think that their sacrifices when their kids were small earn them anything they want out of their children's futures. Hey, people, children didn't ask to be born, you asked to have them, and then often what happens is up to you. Children's lives are out of their control until they are about 17 or 18 years old. Even then, there are still years of maturing and need before a child can stand on their own two feet (at least in this economy). A child's life until 18 or so is one of being formed by their environment, so what might have been a passing phase for you of trouble or stress was their foundation to life. But then you feel you have earned whatever treatment you want to give them, and whatever attention you feel you deserve.

And now that that time (their childhood) is past you can move on, and pat yourself on the back that you did everything you could, the best that you could. Maybe that wasn't enough, did you ever think of that? And yet that's not on you at all? It's up to the kids to just be ok with that?

So how's that working out for you? It's much easier and pleasant to be the victim than it is to suck it up and realize that you may have screwed up your relationship with your kid(s) and that it's going to take WORK from you to fix it?

Most parent's don't feel it's worth doing any of that....and no wonder their kids aren't part of their lives.

you are not completely right on your assessment of "if raised in a respectful, nurturing home that a grown child will reflect that. case in point, we were raised in a respectful nurturing home and yet my youngest sibling has decided that what is my mother's is hers down to her bank account

I find your response to be rude and unhelpful. Your statement is certainly not true. Good parents can have problems with adult children. It could be drug related or a mental health issue. I find your comments offensive. I hope for your sake you never have to eat your words.

I am a throw away myself, But quite responsible for the many messes I have created, all of the messes I am at least 50% responsible sometimes more, and less. I have done the opposite and raised my girls the opposite of how I was raised. Control Domination Intimidation and Lack of respect to children. I told my girls not to respect unless they are deserving. My youngest moved out 3 months ago and she took flight. Now I must re-imagine my life and get some hobbies. My adult children can not fulfill me
or my life, only I can.

I know the feeling. I have two daughters 41 and 39, they hate the man I have been seeing.
My youngest daughter won't let me see my grandchildren 13 & 10. My oldest daughter has met him a few times. She hates him also. He has a genius IQ and sometimes I have to be very patient with him because he thinks so much. He has had an alcohol problem, and is really getting better. Now they accuse him of selling drugs. He recently bought me a car for fun. My oldest daughter made a remark about him buying me the car because he was laundering his drug money. It really hurts, my heart is broken. He works a regular job just like everyone else. He works hard for his money. They can't seem to understand that people are different, and they don't get to choose the people I get to hang around with.
I raised these girls from the ages of 3 & 7 alone. Had no support or help from anyone. My parents were very good to them when they were young. They love my parents more than they love me. I raised them, gave up many things in my life for them, and their children.
Yet they don't remember the good things about me, only the bad.
I cry every day my heart is broken. I can literally feel the pain in my chest from the hurt in my heart.

my 32yer old daughter refuses to have anything to do with me her mother-in-law is the best thing ever I thought talkiing to her she would reason with her but she was just as nasty

Yes, GOD is the answer!! We as mothers love our children no matter what. It's so easy to be taken advantage of by our children. We don't believe that they would hurt us because they are from US. I have three grown children who still live home and it has not been easy. Uuuuggghhhh! Two boys and a girl. My oldest boy just graduated from college and I am so proud! He will do well. I don't really worry too much about him. My middle son is being really lazy and thinking about not finishing school. My daughter, well all she does is complain, disrespectful and doesn't listen to anything I have to say. I prayed for a girl everyday I carried her. I guess it's true that you should be careful what you pray for!! Lol. They were all raised in the same house and yet they are so different. I am so tired of being disrespected, mostly by my daughter. What else can I do? I've cried, yelled and even tried being nice. She is so undecided about what she needs to be successful. She thinks that she doesn't need me. I have been a single parent forever. I have taken care of my responsibility the best I know how and yet it is not enough. They make me feel that I need to take care of them until THEY are satisfied with what they have and what's going on in their lives. Is this crazy or what?? Where do I go from here?

I feel your pain and hurt in each word you speak. I too know the hurt of unforgiving actions and hateful words of a daughter. I don't agree with you thinking that prayer does not work though. You must truly give the entire mess and confusion, hurt, reasons things were said and done to GOD. Everytime you think of the situation and feel the suffocation of the fights and mean words, say OUTLOUD , NO, I gave this to GOD, it is in HIS hands, not mine and roll the care/worry over to Him! when we try to "FIX" it, we screw it up! We are not meant to fix it or carry the burden of this pain, it will shorten our lives, quicker than anything, with stress related illnesses. Freedom and peace of mind will come as long as you refuse to try to understand it or justify it or replaying it in your mind over and over again. We are not smart enough to fix it or strong enough. You do your part by forgiving and giving it to GOD so He can do His thing. Pray for your child to be open to hear from GOD, to be able to forgive you for anything she believes you are quilty of. This is not for whimps, but God will give you the strength and peace if you let Him reign in your life and bringing back the joy you so desperately need to continue your life with or without your daughters relationship. GOD LOVES YOU, HE TRULY DOES!! Not a cliche' the truth! Let HIM show you.

Thank you so much for your advice - I too have a 21 year old daughter who turned on my husband and I, and I continuously reply the events leading up to this and try to understand what happened. I give it up to God but then I take it back. Your perspective has helped me so much. Thanks again.

I tried to once but she just hates me and I don't have the emotional strength to take more rejection from those kids, it has completely drained me in life, every memory is like a new pain and it never ends. Prayers dont work, nothing does.

For yourself, you must reach out to your daughter, you will never have happiness until you do. It's true she was wrong in what she did, I have heard my kids say some really bad things, but down deep I know they didn't mean it. Mine also at times act selfish and don't always agree with me. My daughter and I have had some pretty big clashes. Reach out to her and ask her if there is not some way that you can mend your relationship. Even when we don't like the things our kids do, I know we still love them. Your already feel bad about the situation. Take a chance to be apart of your daughter and grand kids lives. Your already unhappy with the situation. What do you have to lose? Best wishes for a better future.

Thank you, that's the first not-anti-child post here. All I see are victims, when that's really all their kids are too :(.

That's awful of her not only being so rude to you, her mum, those words she used are disgraceful and disrespectful, no one should ever use those words to there parents,if she didn't like something, she should have just walked away, instead she chose to bite, then stir everyone else up in the process, where's the respect gone? So she's left you in a whirlwind probably replaying the whole thing over in your head, unable to move forward, how selfish of her. <br />
Yet you still love her, I think that says a lot about you as a person, but clearly you are hurting over this and Im not suprised, no one should have to put up with this. They are cold and uncaring, shutting you out like this, do you think it will ever change? and do you have anything else that you can fill the void with?

I never thought it would happen, I loved them so much and really wanted them, always, they were my life and no sacrifice seemed to great, they were always worth it. I just cannot figure it out. I have lost faith in everything I worked for, and they are so cold, if I hurt they call it Mom's Drama! I never thought they would be so cruel.

They probably thought the same about you more than once too. :( Are you going to be the victim? Or the parent? I think you just want something back for all your sacrifices :(. They didn't ask for them, but you require them to pay you back. Typical.

You don't deserve that... My mind cannot fathom how your daughter could've been so selfish and spoiled in this situation. Seriously? Clearly they didn't see what you've sacrificed for your children. <br />
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What a selfish brat.

I guess what she chose to do (have children) makes up for how she raised them? Her sacrifices make everything else ok? If it was such a sacrifice, maybe she shouldn't have made it--clearly she is resentful about it.