Opening Statements.My name is Quintesse and I have a problem:
I can't get stuff open. Ever.
I have written on this subject before but I keep coming back to it because I still cannot get stuff open. I try. I am actually quite clever, but still I struggle and curse and smack my head asking, as my father was wont to...
"If they can send a man to the moon why can't they...(fill in the blank) figure out a way to get the ketchup out of the jar?"
Exactly, although I think we pretty much have the ketchup thing figured out.
They say "Tear Here." I say "**** you" because I have been attempting to tear here for years now and it rarely works as intended. I much prefer the ones with the tiny picture of a pair of scissors because at least they are up front about the fact that the perforation machines are faulty most of the time and tools will be required. Thank you for that, but it still shouldn't be that complicated. My ex used to use his teeth. Gross.
This leads right into packages of sliced cheese (tear here), the ones with the tiny pieces of waxed paper between each slice. To be honest, sometimes this works just fine, as long as you don't like muenster. You can pull up with the little piece of paper if you want to but the cheese will rip perfectly across the top an inch into your slice. Keep this up and pretty soon you will notice that the pieces that tear off begin to get smaller and smaller in direct proportion to the wad of cheese at the top which keeps growing larger and larger. I have been known to slice at the wad before eventually throwing up my hands and tossing the cheese out of frustration.
The tri-corner package. This is half-and-half sometimes, or a large container of Goldfish, basically anything where you have to have serious dexterity and determination as you must tear, pull back and separate and then pop out the convenient pour spout. I have been known to manhandle these types of packages to the point where they are barely recognizable.
Cereal boxes/bags. I am sick to death of the cereal box flap that rips every time. If I am precise and not in any kind of morning rush this has the potential to work just fine but I find that often things are glued down where they are not supposed to be glued down and the plastic bags contained therein were never meant to be just gently pulled apart as the box would suggest. I have also manhandled these to the point where the cereal can no longer be stored in either the bag or the box.
Shampoo/Conditioner bottles. Now I especially do not appreciate this form of torture while I am attempting to get 5 times silkier. My god these are hard to open, and if you are lucky enough to get them open it is tempting to just leave them in this open condition except that if you do, the next time you go to squeeze you will get a clog and then if you are particularly unfortunate, a gloppy eruption when the clog is forced out. Then the bathtub floor is silky. Then your *** will be silky. Not good.
Medicine bottles. Fine. You already have a headache, but it is about to get worse because you will not only have to line up the cap and get that just right but you will also have to contend with the thick foil cover. This requires a steak knife and anyone who says it doesn't is lying. I tried to open one for my client the other day, you know as in, "here let me..." (It is my job after all) and I it was embarrassing. Uh, where do you keep your pick axe? I'll be right back with a handful of Excedrine.
I must say that after careful thought I blame the Tylenol tamperer. I am pretty sure that that is how all of this started. He put the idea in all of our heads that someone was out to poison us all by tampering with everyday products. Or the shoplifters--they infuriate me. Because of them we now need a blow torch to open toy packages.
Okay. I'm better. Just needed to vent a little. A couple of Asprin and perhaps a bowl of cereal, maybe a sandwich and then a nice relaxing shower and I'll be just fine. No problem.