Opening Statements.

My name is Quintesse and I have a problem:
I can't get stuff open. Ever.
I have written on this subject before but I keep coming back to it because I still cannot get stuff open. I try. I am actually quite clever, but still I struggle and curse and smack my head asking, as my father was wont to...
"If they can send a man to the moon why can't they...(fill in the blank) figure out a way to get the ketchup out of the jar?"
Exactly, although I think we pretty much have the ketchup thing figured out.

They say "Tear Here." I say "**** you" because I have been attempting to tear here for years now and it rarely works as intended. I much prefer the ones with the tiny picture of a pair of scissors because at least they are up front about the fact that the perforation machines are faulty most of the time and tools will be required. Thank you for that, but it still shouldn't be that complicated. My ex used to use his teeth. Gross.

This leads right into packages of sliced cheese (tear here), the ones with the tiny pieces of waxed paper between each slice. To be honest, sometimes this works just fine, as long as you don't like muenster. You can pull up with the little piece of paper if you want to but the cheese will rip perfectly across the top an inch into your slice. Keep this up and pretty soon you will notice that the pieces that tear off begin to get smaller and smaller in direct proportion to the wad of cheese at the top which keeps growing larger and larger. I have been known to slice at the wad before eventually throwing up my hands and tossing the cheese out of frustration.

The tri-corner package. This is half-and-half sometimes, or a large container of Goldfish, basically anything where you have to have serious dexterity and determination as you must tear, pull back and separate and then pop out the convenient pour spout. I have been known to manhandle these types of packages to the point where they are barely recognizable.

Cereal boxes/bags. I am sick to death of the cereal box flap that rips every time. If I am precise and not in any kind of morning rush this has the potential to work just fine but I find that often things are glued down where they are not supposed to be glued down and the plastic bags contained therein were never meant to be just gently pulled apart as the box would suggest. I have also manhandled these to the point where the cereal can no longer be stored in either the bag or the box.

Shampoo/Conditioner bottles. Now I especially do not appreciate this form of torture while I am attempting to get 5 times silkier. My god these are hard to open, and if you are lucky enough to get them open it is tempting to just leave them in this open condition except that if you do, the next time you go to squeeze you will get a clog and then if you are particularly unfortunate, a gloppy eruption when the clog is forced out. Then the bathtub floor is silky. Then your *** will be silky. Not good.

Medicine bottles. Fine. You already have a headache, but it is about to get worse because you will  not only have to line up the cap and get that just right but you will also have to contend with the thick foil cover. This requires a steak knife and anyone who says it doesn't is lying. I tried to open one for my client the other day, you know as in, "here let me..." (It is my job after all) and I it was embarrassing. Uh, where do you keep your pick axe? I'll be right back with a handful of Excedrine.

I must say that after careful thought I blame the Tylenol tamperer. I am pretty sure that that is how all of this started. He put the idea in all of our heads that someone was out to poison us all by tampering with everyday products. Or the shoplifters--they infuriate me. Because of them we now need a blow torch to open toy packages.

Okay. I'm better. Just needed to vent a little. A couple of Asprin and perhaps a bowl of cereal, maybe a sandwich and then a nice relaxing shower and I'll be just fine. No problem.
Quintesse Quintesse
51-55, F
32 Responses Aug 22, 2011

That paper IS strong--it was developed by NASA--to repair the Space Station, to prepare the craft for re-entry.<br />
It is deceptive--it appears that you can just simply tear it but oh no--and then you're right, the baked goods are destroyed often. It happens. My condolences.

What about cakes? They come in clear plastic packaging with a paper seal, the strongest paper known to man, holding together the two sides of a flimsy, hinged plastic box, containing fragile deliciousness, Can you anyone extract it undamaged? Handle with care and concern for the contents, not a hope of entry. ( this is where those scissors really would be useful) Get a grip on the box and it squashes, access granted and flavour still the same, just a little lost in the presentation. You were not hoping to impress, were you?

Sorry woman, I forgot--I cannot tell you how many times I have damaged something in effort to de-package it. It is infuriating. But this, what you have described here--oh man. That would be an ugly situation in my house. That would send me right over the top. <br />
I feel your pain, big time. Maybe you should go grab an asprin or something. No...wait--only do that if it is not a new bottle.<br />
Sorry. That's bad.

miss bliss, oh lordy!<br />
<br />

Well, I have been known to do it, definitely, open scissors with scissors. I guess the rule here is just have a large assortment of scissors and knives at your disposal at all times as these opening problems are not about to go away anytime soon, in fact I can envision them getting even worse.

recently bought some little ear bud headphones ... used scissors to release them from their industrial strength packaging and yes, cut the wire in the process. I now know there is no god.

Ah yes, the thin metal seals. Definitely have to be clever in that situation. You're right. The list goes on...

Miss Q<br />
<br />
My favourite example is those glass jams jars where the metal lids are placed on while the contents are hot. We obviously buy them when cold and try to open them at home.<br />
<br />
oh lordy! what an episode! spectators only hear "hmmmm" but thank heavens that they cannot read minds.

you think!!!!!<br />
<br />
when this happens, then lots of f----------ishing words (which were not taught to me by the nuns) race around in my skull only to be obstructed by c--------ool words, also learned in the secular world. really not funny at the time.<br />
<br />

I actually buy those multi-function knives. when I have used them then I have to take them indoors to sharpen and wash them. Well, they just never get back to the car.<br />
<br />
So, now i own two. Still does not help though. Most times I have two --------- indoors.

You are funny bcj! :-D

Utility knife ------- hahahaaa. what a joke.<br />
<br />
I go to the hardware store to buy one. Now I can open almost anything, right? But wait!!!!!!!!<br />
<br />
This damn thing's packaging is plastic. A back and front that are welded together around the edges. Hard plastic, much harder than teeth and definitely tougher than hands. Once you get past that 5mm welded rim then it tears quite nicely. <br />
<br />
So, how do we get past the rim. I know, that is why I bought the f ing utility knife. If only I had the assistant cut the plastic. Oh damn...............

I manage it so often, to ram the sharp edges of the plastic package under my finger nails. Ouch!

oooh! That must hurt.

HAHAHA I have heard that the bugs are in there from the factory. The eggs are harmless and undetectable normally (like in flour) but if they are left there long enough, they emerge as if by magic from within the bags. I too used to wonder how they could penetrate the fortress that is packaged cereal. This makes much more sense. They climb in at the factory. We humans are left trying to figure out how to get in there. Great point. Now I never want to eat cereal again though. I had just forgotten all of this until you reminded. <br />
Now I am on the flour bug diet once again. Thanks, haha.

I agree with you. I don't even attempt tearing and I have great upper body strength. Sissors are a must, and yes I have different sissors for different purposes as well, haha. What gets me are the Malt-o-meal ceareal bags. Convientient tear accross the top the split it open revealing a convienient zip lock reclosable seal. Sounds good in theory, but those ziplock things manange to break away from the bag leaving cereal exposed and I have to resort to twisty ties.<br />
But what really gets me is how those pesky ghost ants are able to get into things and I can't. Maybe we aren't the smartest animals on the planet afterall. haha.

This is how it feels to be a god! (Not THE God--Bill Murray reference)<br />
Hahahahah<br />
I don't think that you can really even call that stuff plastic; you're right, it doubles as a Ginsu for garnishing after the toys have been freed.<br />
<br />
"Free of its clear tomb." hahahahah<br />
You cracked me yup with this biker guy. hahahahah<br />
Thank you. <br />
We are an amusing and united group aren't we?

I have a disabled left hand. Over the last 20 years I've spent hours fighting with everything from milk cartons to UPS packages. Frustrating.

Exactly! I have two working hands I cannot get anything open! I cannot imagine what you must endure. I guess you have to use the utility knife(as suggested here) for everything--even tissues!
So sorry.

Whoa! Take it easy there big fella. Here, let me. I'll get you a tissue. Son of a *****! I only wanted one! You're right, of course. I buy the big boxes, and then I rip the boxes apart and take all the tissues out and just stack them on a shelf. Easy access. Forget the boxes. It's the only way, especially if you are drooling or crying either from laughter or sadness. <br />
Me? I have allergies, so I have perfected my tissue technique. NEVER buy the pull out ones. Infuriating. Forgot that one. Thank you.

Well well well. As I sit here trying to see through my tears of laughter I have to say I really enjoyed that more than most of the **** I read on this and any other sites including the comics. I ended up trying to finish reading this with tears in my eyes and my nose running. I was so so thankful I was not drinking anything I believe I would have drowned.<br />
<br />
It was only hard to read when my eyes went blurry from my tears of laughter. Trying to keep my nose from dripping on the keyboard before I can grab a Kleenex out of you guessed it...a box. Depending on the fold and what you paid for them if you get one or a piece of one. This only exaggerated the whole story and made me laugh all the harder.<br />
<br />
Kleenex is my biggest obstetrical. All else I have a tool box for. Gadget INC in a tool box does it. Nothing for getting a Kleenex though. The old "I bet you can't eat just one" comes to mind while trying to blow my nose. All I want is one fricking Kleenex. I bet you can't get just one.<br />
<br />
This story should be published in every country in the world that has these type of packaging coming into their country. Sent out in all languages and posted everywhere.And sent to the companies that do that to the people of the world, their customers. Damn that was good!!! Thanks again.

I'm right there with you! :'-))

At one time I did. Maypo is better. Can't get either one of them open without a sharp instrument though, despite the "push here" tab. Then the box has to be taped shut and the very spillable contents stick to the tape. A lot of work for a bowl of oatmeal/ farina if you ask me, so I don't eat them anymore.

WHOA! You people are really pissed about not being able to get stuff open. Me? I was just kidding, but after reading some of these comments some of you are stalking your husband's computer history and throwing Pms fits and slicing and dicing things with utility knives. Holy ****. I think I've hit a nerve or something. <br />
Hahahahaha<br />
Personally I have always felt that PMS medication should come in little Smirnoff bottles, so you can just EASILY open that little tiny twist off and slug down one of those babies when the need arises. And here's another valuable tip concerning pms--you cannot, I repeat, you cannot bite the cap off the bottle and your teeth will NOT puncture the foil cover. Don't ask me how I know this. I don't want to talk about it.<br />
Midnight, I know EXCATLY the woven bags you are referring to as I used to buy corn that way. If the planets are aligned, and it is an even day during the equinox, you can sometimes just tear here, and the little string just slides across the bag like a little zipper, freeing the contents in the most glorious rush and it is a wonderful feeling. However--we both know that no matter how many deals you try to make with the feed gods on a winter day, the utility knife is a must. It is a violent action to be sure, but desperate times call for desperate measures. This we all know.<br />
From the woman with the scissor assortment to the can mangler. We are all survivors. We need to take this time to come together and offer each other support and friendship.<br />
It will be Christmas before you know it. We must be strong. <br />
(Especially the person who is intimidated by toy packaging that is welded on.) Hahahaha<br />
And the light bulb person. I still have the old fashioned foamy soft cardboard box of inefficient light bulbs because sometimes I like to just look at it fondly and caress it. Next to it in the closet is the energy efficient twirly light bulb that I bought out of guilt. It is sitting there---unopened. I am scared of it, scared of that package.<br />
I thank you all. Now I am the one who is in hysterics. This is fun

By the time stamp on your post which was yesterday at 5:40 pm, about that time I was doing the yearly ritual of putting the new license tags on my truck. What sadistic person came up with the the 'bend and peel label', I have no idea, but I spent 10 minutes on each tag, trying not to tear them so at least the tags are presentable and legal looking.<br />
<br />
My handy butcher knife has opened everything from packages of bacon, to the aforementioned cereal boxes to blasted frozen pizzas. <br />
<br />
I'll add one that really gets me. I help a cattle rancher from time to time. We put out these bags of mineral for the cattle and these bags are sewn shut, top and bottom with a nice little "pull here" stamped on it. It's great if you get the thing started, the bag magically opens and the contents go where they are suppose to. But if you don't get that thing started, the tiny paper ***** tears or the string knots, and it's freaking 20 degrees below zero, your fingers are numb from the cold so there is no way you're getting that tiny piece of string to do what it's suppose to do, there is no time for screwing around anymore, it's time to take out the trusty utility knife and do what needs to be done. Doing that sometimes the contents end up where they are suppose to, other times the cows have mineral flavored snow to lick on. lol <br />
<br />
Thanks for posting this though, it really made my day.

Likewise, see below, haha

I laughed so hard about your second last sentence. Sorta healthy icecream for the cows, eh? *rofl*

Haha I love it, and I agree so much! OH and don't you just despise it when bottles of water/soda/etc WILL NOT OPEN? Makes me want to drill a friggin hole in the cap -.-"

They've found a replacement for Andy Rooney!

The part that had me nodding and twitching to get to the Comment part was the medicine. This really chaps my ***: How do they put PMS pills in containers that require someone else to open them ? I call them " boyfriend pills. " Because if you don't have one, you're not getting in there. <br />
<br />
I don't personally have the violent scary kind of PMS, but honestly. Most women are surrounded by great voids of empty space and their family members are in flak jackets hiding under furniture. Do ya think it might be nice to give her access to the Midol ? I don't know what they're thinking but it's just plain stupid.

But don't you think a silky as is a pro? :'-))<br />
Sorry, but My sides are hurting from all the laughing. You really made my day!

This story is excellent. Thank you for sharing it. I also have a terrible problem opening things. The worst things I have ever opened though are kids toys. For example, try to get Barbie out of the package without some security company locksmith assistance or some explosive. Why do childrens toys need to be strapped down with plastic ties, covered with hard plastic, put insode a box then wrapped in plastic wrap? Are these toys going to try to escape if they aren't locked up tighter than Fort Knox?

Yep. You're right. Sometimes I like to have the original though. Jack Johnson's CD's come in cardboard. That's the real reason I like him so much. Easy open.

You need to just burn your own cds because the others are too hard to break into.

Our CD comments crossed each other. I was keying mine while you were typing, haha<br />
<br />
And I have news for you, the corset is a piece of cake compared to most of these things, although I did have quite a time with that after I finally got the cork out of the wine bottle. Oh god, maybe it IS me. Maybe I just cannot open stuff and I will just have to learn to live with it. I had forgotten about the corset, but then again, all I have to do is get it on. I've proven I can do that. So I need help with the off--nothing wrong with asking for a little help now and then.

Keys are tricky things, often requiring a combination of pulling, turning and simultaneous jiggling. Apparently nothing is easy, not even getting through the door with the grocery bags filled with things you will not be able to open once you get them inside. <br />
And the list goes on.<br />
It's nice to know I'm not alone.

I have a lot of these same problems, but am also key challenged. Sometimes when I put the key in the lock it just doesn't open for me but will for everyone else.

You have to laugh with me, otherwise we would all be deranged package destroyers, spilling contents everywhere and cursing under our breath (or loudly ) at whatever it is we are trying to open at any given time.<br />
I forgot to mention stuff like Cream of Wheat or Maypo-- anything that comes in a box with a perforated tab that says "Press here". I have been known to stab those with a letter opener.<br />
Or CDs which more often than not are attacked in the car with a pair of keys because I have just picked it up at Borders, and I have to hear it for the ride home. My ex used to use his teeth. Gross.<br />
Or wine bottles with plastic corks when the corkscrew gets em<x>bedded in there. It's enough to make me quit drinking, almost. Or wine bottle with screw caps that will not unscrew no matter what. Perhaps the Mormons are behind this. When I get the damned thing open I will drink a toast to them.

This is the type of stuff that gets my husband's blood pressure soaring ... are you sure you're not my husband Q??? lol **just goes to check hubby's puter history**