Let's Take It From The Top, Shall We?

It’s been a long day. I’m turning in. Not sure what turning in means exactly, but I’m headed up there to attempt to rest this weary body. I slip in between the sheets and then it starts, the nightly argument. Oh man! Not this again. Oh for once in this life will you just shut up and go to sleep. Please?

If I hear one more person tell me that they are asleep as soon as their head hits the pillow I’m going to scream. How nice for you. It’s not that easy over at my place. Once I set the Sleep Number to the appropriate digit, and arrange the many pillows, all of them in their exact right spot, and raise the covers—up to but in no way touching the chin, and I’m sure that the dog is not going to be an issue, we’re off to dreamland.
Ha! That’s how it’s supposed to go. But in actuality this is precisely when the fighting starts. Almost immediately the arm that is being crushed under the weight of my torso starts to complain. Um, I’m a little squished under here and the tendonitis will be a ***** in the morning if this joint locks up during the night. You know this. Do something about it—now. Fine. Is that better? Good.
Then the legs start. Um, we’re a little cold down here. I wear a black turtleneck to bed, not only because it is so sexy, but because I need something relatively tight fitting so that I can move thousands of times without getting tangled up. I used to go commando, and I do in the summer, but it is cold and something needed to be done and this works for me. The Jimmy legs however are another matter entirely. I haven’t found anything that does not bunch up and create that straightjacket sensation down there. But this night they are carrying on about how cold it is so I get up and find (brilliant!) a pair of black leggings. This is good I tell them; then I turn and catch a glimpse of myself in the full-length mirror. Great. Not only is this as sexy as it gets, but if I can’t sleep I can sneak out onto the rooftops and pull in some extra loot as a cat burglar.
Here we go. I take a deep breath and I start praying. Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray this night I will not weep...
My feet are hot and itchy. This is why I cannot tuck in, which is also why my legs are always clamoring about the draft. The feet have to be able to stick out and get the necessary fresh air whenever they feel the need. Also it is necessary for a pillow to be strategically placed between said knees, otherwise the lower back starts in about the strain and the misalignment. Frankly I am sick to death of the whole lower half. They cannot seem to get their acts together—ever.
Then the neck and shoulders start whining about how if they do not get their way there will be a headache in the morning, or at the very least a stiff neck. Here we go again. You know, you really should be sleeping on your back instead of insisting on the side routine every night. It is healthier. Oh shut up. We have been through this a thousand times. That coffin pose is never going to happen unless I’m in a coma and they position me that way for my own good.
Inevitably someone suggests that the stomach should at least be given a chance, so we humor the backbones and try that for about 90 seconds. Next thing you know the airways are pinched and the legs are trying some new age spread eagle configuration like this whole situation is one big joke. No one is ever serious about the stomach position, and yet it gets suggested every freaking night as a last resort. Stupid waste of time!
I have found that there is one thing in particular that helps me sleep like a baby, but it is not available to me on this night. There is only one thing to be done then. I take out War And Peace, which I am reading--for the second time--and we start the whole exhaustive process again, from the top. Rostov is galloping into battle, and soon I will begin the fight again too. But this time around it should be a little easier because we’ve all calmed down and nature will take its course eventually when exhaustion sets in.
Sweet dreams. If anyone even mentions bed bugs there will be hell to pay.
Quintesse Quintesse
51-55, F
43 Responses Jan 20, 2013

They annoy me, those people, although I have come to the conclusion that my problems are less physical and more mental, but still... some people can just turn everything off, whether it is a leg cramp or a dilemma that needs to be resolved, and just close their eyes and drift off.
I ...um...cannot do that. I took Ambien for a year after my nervous breakdown and it has been a rough road getting back to figuring out how to ...relax all by myself. But it is important too to remember that I have this annoying habit of exaggerating for humor's sake---always. Haha
Thank you for relating to this. The easy sleepers just absolutely have no clue.

I've always been envious of those who claim to fall asleep as soon as their head hits the pillow also! I like how you describe your nightly "problem" lol...I can also relate to some of those things you mention lol!

Hahahhaaaahahaaa!!! This is too funny! I can picture it all.... Love your descriptions.

I knew you would appreciate it. We are too much alike!

Things are bad over here, i have been lying on my tummy, composing lists, emails and stories until I had to get up and empty them into my computer. (its 1.43am) maybe I will be able to sleep now? Please..

I am hoping for your sake that you got it all out of your system and that you drifted off to a peaceful sleep.

It helped. Although so many tasks took a little while. Thanks for your concern.

Since I wrote this I am doing much better. I have perfected some relaxation techniques. I blame the limbs and joints but none of this is really their fault at all. It is my mind racing that is the real problem. Once I get that under control I am good to go.
I don't sleep like a rock though, ever. "Flounces out" ...haha

Soooooooooo anyway I slept like a rock last night. How`d you sleep? *flounces out*

You better run.
Anxiety is my enemy. I don't need to hear about your peaceful slumber.

sheesh just turn out the light and go to sleep.

Yes I am one of those whose head hits the pillow and is gone. *runs*

Jagged. haha
I have to believe that the people who can find the humor in this do so because they understand the nightly quarrel to some degree.
The ones who hit the pillow snoring are like, "What the hell is she talking about?"

You crack me up...lmao

As I just told someone else here just now,
I am the queen of gibberish. But I have to tell you, I sleep much better since I wrote this story. I'm not sure what to make of that.
Thanks for saying really good. I appreciate it.

Really good, I never heard it like this before.

My daughter messed with my sleep number setting last night (either her or the dog) so I woke up feeling like I was stuck in a waterbed. I like my bed firm--like I like my men. ha! so not a great night.
Note to self: Check the number before slumber.

Haha. I see I am not alone with my quarreling limbs and my vociferous imagination! Hongruilin and I are starting an Ep Insomniac's support group where we agree to write really boring stories that put all of the members to sleep. It could work.

Excellent idea

*giggles*.nice one ;)

Lmao......Hell this is funny!.....I can also relate to that battle each night....and thanks to you, i will now have the voices to contend with, as well as the discomfort.
Well done Q...this was brilliant.

I am not not going to offer any suggestions for fear of getting shot, but there should be a contraption to align your body the right way each night! CAT BURGLAR! You are a hoot! ;-)

P.S. Sweet dreams!

Other than mentioning bed bugs and "try sleeping on your back" --you should be okay with suggestions, although I probably won't try any of them, haha.

Yes. That is another option I am rather fond of I must admit.

What I use is only legal in a few states, medically speaking

Well I'm no doctor but if I were, I would probably prescribe a glass of wine along side the book your reading. Couldn't hurt anything to give it a try. Good story, I liked it!

Excellent suggestion. Here's to a great night's sleep!

My dear Leader~ haha. Thank you. Sleep well.

Ha, you write so well; I recognise all of the symptoms...bang on Quintesse!

My health is excellent, but I have an enormous amount of stress coupled with severe broken heart syndrome and chronic depression. To combat it I run until I drop. That is how I meditate--one step at a time until I exhaust myself.
I sleep fine. This is just a story I wrote after a bad night. I am prone to...how do you say it? oh yeah...hyperbole. ha!

Haha Mary.
You and I are two of a kind. I forgot to mention the midnight paralysis syndrome which I am sure has plagued us all at one time or another. That's loads of fun.
I make it cold in the room too, but it's like a sauna under there at times. Quite a dilemma. You stick one appendage out there for some relief and it is like an expedition to the Tundra. It's like South Africa coming up against an Arctic cold front. I actually cannot believe that I don't have precipitation forming up there around the ceiling fan. Ha.

In the winter, I like it to be cold in my bedroom. I like to wear warm pj's and warm up my bed under the comforter. To be totally comfortable in bed is such a great feeling. I always wear pj's. Sometimes, I wake up and I'm too warm (guys, I know you were hoping I'd say, "I wake up hot" Sorry.) but I just throw off the comforter and after a while I'm chilly again. Sometimes I sleep on my arm and it goes numb. That's a weird sensation. I've even woken up and not been able to move my arm at all for a few seconds. That's a little scary. It's hard to get out of bed in the morning, in the dark, to be cold in the shower and have to drive off to work with everyone zipping around in their cars. I've hurt my back a couple of times, and then it's hard to find a position where I'm comfortable. I hate that. I like this story, Q, you bring such ordinary things to life.

bed bugs! :)

Very funny

I am seriously working on it Arcticguy. I am not very good at leaving it all to someone else, but I am trying, I am getting better.
I also like to take a ridiculous situation I find myself in and find a way to laugh about it. That is what this is--but your advice is good and I appreciate it. "..be anxious for nothing..." I wish. Thank you for the encouragement. I am taking it to heart, all that you suggested.

Your welcome Quintesse and yes, sometimes it's easier said than done. Guys, or me anyway, have this ability to shut out the world and turn off the lights whereas women need to think and think and think..... although my wife was usually sound asleep after she was sexually satisfied, lol. But regardless, guys or girls, men or women, or elderly or children, daytime or night need to take every anxious thought to Christ and replace those thoughts with the Joy of the Lord. A show I was watching a few days ago interviewed the lady from http://www.justjoyministries.com/ The show can be seen here at http://www.miraclechannel.ca/insight/index.php (Episode 86). The show was good and the website is probably worth checking out too.

Quintesse - no person is wise enough, smart enough, or experienced enough to solve, fix, handle every problem or situation that comes our way and when night comes many, women especially, lie awake circulating in their minds all of life's experiences and problems, only to find that none of the over-thinking is resolving anything.
Quintesse - if you want a good night's sleep then you need to rest every anxious thought and problem at Jesus' feet: Philippians 4:6 "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God." God bless you.

This is really kind. Thank you.

It is exhausting, but as I mentioned a few comments ago, it has been better since I wrote this story. I think I kind of psyched myself out. Haha. Sweet dreams to you too!

Oh, this is my night as well. Don't even mention the first few steps in the morning, I feel 100 at times. I love your narration and laughed all the way through, because I fight at night as well. :) Here's to a peaceful rest! Hugs

b~ My ex was the same way. I saw the snoring as an insult, as if he was saying, Oh, look at me I'm sound asleep! Great for you...I have another chapter to go over here, I'm afraid...

Miss Q.

This is an amazing story.

I am, though, one of those that you detest, for I can lie down on concrete, lawn, tarmac, beach sand or wherever and snore like a Harley within minutes.

I was told before, with an elbow to the ribs, "No man! Let me fall asleep first".

Oh lord, it's good to be single.................


Dearest Whym, may your feet not be hot and itchy...It is the worst!
You know something funny? I am sleeping SO much better since I wrote this story. I think I scared them all. They have all been very well-behaved at night. Ha!

That's great.I get the sleep easily by having several beers before I go to bed. Once your asleep nothing bothers you

I don't have trouble falling asleep but it's waking up. When waking early in the morning, every possible worry comes to mind. I found my solution. Imagine the most erotic fantasy I can imagine. It completely replaces my worries.

I say whatever works...

Thanks for the sweet dreams Jen.
Oh, the voice--it keeps me awake at night, you know?

I LOVE your voice. I can hear you telling this story. It is great. I have insomnia or hypomania or whatever you call sleeping 3 hours a night. My bed is fine and by the time I surrender I have no idea which parts of my body are complaining. But still I feel your pain here. Anyway since I can't mention the B**B**s I guess I will just leave it Sweet Dreams!

What does B**B*** mean. Maybe bed bugs:)

Seconds? Seconds? You could have at least said minutes. I know that some people can shut it all down and I envy them. I rest my head and the voices start. Fears, anxieties, hurt, stress, worry...it all starts the minute I slow down. Then it manifests itself as real / imagined pain, I guess. Anyway, the whole settling down process is a really long one over here.
Drinking and Ambien help sometimes, but I am trying to break away from that. I am trying to talk myself down any way I can. It is working. I just tell everybody to shut up now, and for the most part they listen. They know I mean business.
Okay, you can take the cotton out. It's safe.

Ya know I can't get that whole cat burglar vision out of my head, pretty hot, kinda sexy.

Ha! That is one of the things that kept me up the other night--I started picturing myself jumping from rooftop to rooftop like in To Catch a Thief. You could be Cary Grant. I was really laughing.

Love it, lets go. Actually my favorite fantasy movie is "Entrapment" I will meet you at the train station

Well this is one story I cannot identify with. Oh it isn't that there is anything wrong with the way it is written because as always you paint a teriffic picture with your words. Okay I am putting my fingers in my ears................................................................... Nevermind let me stuff this cotton in my ears, there that's better. Couldn't type with my fingers in my ears, anyway I hate to say this but by the time I go to bed I am so tired the aches and pains just don't seem to matter and I do fall asleep within seconds of pulling the covers up. Ya done screaming, I hate the way this cotton feels!
Hmm I have thought about this and I prescribe 3 or 4 stiff drinks before turning in and that should just about take care of everything, well everything but the bed bugs. Uh wait I didn't say that, what bed bugs I don't see anything, hey I gotta run

A few drinks help me too. Try the eroticism I suggested.Even if your feeling OK, it still makes your sleeping more pleasant. I didn't say B***B*** either.

Great. Now that's one more thing that will probably keep me up tonight. So much to contemplate--and is there a better time to do it than when your head hits the pillow?

This cracked me up. Thank you.

What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an unwilling agnostic and a dyslexic?

You get someone who stays up all night torturing himself mentally over the question of whether or not there's a dog.

Good one.

funny:) lol

Avatar, haha. Naturally I have a tendency to exaggerate, especially if I think I can get a few laughs...but I cracked myself up with this, when I really started thinking about the nightly routine, the voices in my head, the arguing about what position is going to garner enough votes so that everyone can get some rest. It is a game almost, an exhausting nighttime game. Here's hoping everyone gets along tonight. Thanks for commiserating. Sleep well.

The exageration is expected, but all the same I recognised myself there.
Careful arrangement of pillows.
The sheets up to but not touching the chin.. check
The tender tendonitis.... check
The draught sensitive legs... check
The claustrophibic feet... check
The last resort of stomach position... check
but now -
The shoulders have won.

Its coffin pose for me.

My condolences at the loss of your freedom. I have been doing better since I wrote this story. Perhaps I psyched myself out, haha.

You need your rest, sweet dreams.

Oh Quintesse,
you have such a way with words and ideas. Kept me laughing all the way through. You know that laugh, the one that says, Oh yes I've been there too. This is exactly how it was.
Yet you managed to pull off a mammoth whinge - and get us all laughing at the same time. How clever is that?
Well done indeed, Quintesse.

I like Tolstoy.
I know. I prefer naked too. But I was desperate and I wanted to try my version of pajamas just in case there was something I was missing, sort of like, maybe pajamas are the answer to a comfortable and restful night's sleep. I had to give it a shot. I don't need an electric blanket--I am a heat generating machine. haha

You say you like Tols toy. How does he feel about it:)

Thank you Mej. I'm fine--just cracking myself up. haha