A Cautionary Tale...

First let me begin by saying not all ex-husbands are psycho, however, mine truly is and after being separated and divorced for over 7 years, his antics still amaze me.  He is 13 years older than me and we married when I was in my mid-twenties.  He came across as the sensitive, outgoing type that had experieced a really difficult life.  Since I have always been a collector of wounded people, he fell right into my dysfunctional mixed bag of caretaker and naivete. 

We met in April, he asked me to marry him in June, and tried to rush me into getting married.  We tentatively set a date the following January which the December prior he broke up with me for no reason.  Now looking back, I believe he was testing the waters to see how hooked I was and for whatever reason, to this day, I do not know what got into me and why I was so smitten.  I wish to this day, I would have stayed broken up. 

After a tumultuous engagement, we got married in a wedding that I didn't want.  He was all about appearances so having he big wedding was a requirement in his book.  On our honeymoon, I realized that I had made a grave mistake, he began yelling at me for missing a turn in a city I had never been in and he was driving.  I came home from the honeymoon wanting to leave him but after fighting my family (who didn't like him from the beginning) I thought I should try to make the best of it.

Since I have hormone issues, I was unable to take birth control and was forced to use condoms to prevent pregnancy.  Within 6 months of being married, I was pregnant and would later discover that my ex had been poking holes in the condoms.  During my 5th month of pregnancy, my ex started threatening to take my children from me and began physically and emotionally abusing me.  Since I was on bedrest, I was isolated and trapped, I had no money of my own and I was forced to hear whatever he had gotten into his head at any moment.  My pregnancy was torture. 

After delivering my boys, my sister died, and I spiraled into a deep depression.  My ex constantly threatened to cheat on me  (since I was not having sex with him, he said he would get it elsewhere), leave me, emotional and physical abuse me, and told me that no other man would ever want me.   Finally after 17 months, I got a job and started trying to piece back my life.  We both knew that the marriage was over and had discussed that we would begin divorce preceedings after the holidays.  This was August, my birthday was in October, and he had me served 3 days before my birthday without warning.  He had wanted me served on my birthday but unfortunately that year my birthday fell on a Sunday. 

After serving me papers, he offered to put the divorce on the "back burner" under the condition that I never had anything to do with my mother ever again.  After responding no, several days later, after I had been up all night with sick babies, he came home in a blind rage accusing me of cheating on him and waving a rubber in my face.  He had one of my children at the top of the stairs and was holding him over his head demanding I told him the name of my imaginary lover.  Fearing that he would throw my baby down the stairs, I told him whatever name that popped into my head.

Then began the nasty divorce which he taunted my "infidelty" to anyone who would listen.  He was so relentless, that he called everyone in the phone who had the name I had called out.  He could never find proof but he told anyone who called our house, attorneys, even daycare folks about me cheating on him.  The stupid attorney I had a the time agreed for me not to leave the house during the divorce preceedings and I was trapped in this house with this crazed lunatic.  My ex would come in where I was sleeping and flip the light on in the middle of the night to see if I was with my lover.  He did this every night, several times a night, to torment me.  Finally after he had gone to work, I fled for my life.

Two weeks after we had mediated, he assaulted me.  The police filed a restraining order but later the civil court threw it out saying that there "was not a pattern of abuse".  Our divorce took three years and I was forced into agreeing to joint custody because father's (even abusive ones) have rights.  I danced the day my divorce was final, I thought the nightmare was over, but I was wrong.  Within 21 days of the decree being final, he filed a modification that to this day still drags on.  I have been divorced for over 4 years.

Now he tells my children things like I tried to get him arrested for beating my husband up and that I threw him in jail.  He is brainwashing the kids and doesn't think twice about what he is doing to them.  He was ordered to pay $600 in child support for which he hasn't paid in four years the full amount.  The other day I received a check for $11.33.  I could motion to enforce the child support but with his rhetoric towards the kids and his unstable mental state, I fear for the safety of my children.

The irony is that he "appears" to people has this devoted Dad that is just being victimized by his ex-wife.  He tells everyone his twisted tale of me beating him, threatening to kill him, and taking the children away from him.  None of which he can proof, however, there are a lot of gullible people out there.  He was voted "voluteer of the year" at the kids school and is "Mr. Boyscout" all the while as he jacks with his sons' heads. 

Most recently my son broke his arm and it was time to get his cast off.  My son had broken his arm when he was at his dads and it took my ex two days to finally have him evaluated by a doctor.  My ex called me after my son had been seen and the cast had been set.  Because of this, he filled out all the paperwork and listed a bad phone number for me (one that I had not used in 6 months) on the forms.  The day finally arrived where my son was getting his cast off and we show up at the office to find out that the doctor had been trying to reach us to reschedule.  My son was devasated and when calling my ex (who had only listed his numbers) claimed that he never received a call.  With much begging, I finally found a doctor that would take the cast off.  This is the second time he's done this, the last time after I took off to take the kids to a dental appointment only to find out he canceled the appointments.

Just last week, he showed up with a mother's day present at the boy scout crossing over ceremony so he could "appear" as he was a great guy.  Last year, he had ran his mouth so much and made the den leader uncomfortable that we got kicked out of the den.  Now he's the great guy.

The courts have done very little to help me and I have paid thousands of dollars for attornies.  My ex continues to abuse me through the court system and avoids his check from being garnished by switching jobs.  He's had 4 differnt jobs in the last four years.  Everyday I pray that people see him for who he really is and that my sons understand why I can't get along with their Dad.  I pray for peace and justice. 

bonobabe bonobabe
31-35, F
6 Responses May 16, 2007

I too have a nightmare ex that is the bottom of the barrel. It has been nearly 12 years, and he doesn't let up. He is an attorney, and has spend the last 10 years of his life dragging me into court to avoid paying any child support. Every time the judge makes a ruling against him, he files for a "re-consideration" or appeals the decision. This has gone on for over a decade. After spending a fortune on an attorney, when my ex had the judge recuse himself after a 2-year trial, I decided that I was done. I let my attorney go, because I realized that I would continue spending good money and get nothing in return. My ex-idiot-loser had 3 judges removed by lying and accusing one of them of being biased. That judge actually reported my ex to the Florida Bar because he was found to be dishonest. Hooray for something...but that didn't get him to stop harassing me OR pay any of his past due child support (over $200K).

I have 2 kids that are now teenagers, who have been the unfortunate victims of this war. My older son, 15, has always been very loyal to his father, and is beyond brainwashed by my ex-crement. His father actually convinced and manipulated him to go into criminal court to lie for him, so that he wouldn't be found guilty of battery! Oh, did I mention that my ex-loser-scumbag physically attacked my current husband, in front of the kids, and in front of their school? He left my husband (who wouldn't hurt a fly and doesn't have a mean bone in his body) covered in bruises, scrapes, and a broken rib. The ex-loser was arrested, and then spent the next 2 years harassing everyone involved with that case: the police officers, the eye witness, the teachers at the school, and of course-- my husband and I. He filed a million motions to delay this court date, and when that day finally came, he removed that judge too! Yes, this is a true story. Just an example of how bad the court system is, and how a lying, cheating S.O.B. can get away with bloody murder. When the new trial date was nearing, my ex went to my son's school, pulled him out of school for 3 days, hid my son in his apartment and at other locations, and coached my son on what to say in court to the judge. This lying loser actually took his own 13-year-old son, all dressed up in a jacket, and convinced the judge that this kid (my son) should be his main defense witness. The judge, another stupid idiot, took my son into her chambers, and spoke to him in private, and then came out and announced that she will allow this child to speak in court as a witness for his father, despite my objection and the state attorney's objection to having a minor child speak in court. Mind you, this is the same kid that watched his father beat up his step-father, my husband, in fear and horror. So what happened next? My son lied through his teeth in court. Why did he do it? I asked him why would he do something so awful and illegal. He said he was told that his father would go to jail for 2 years if he didn't lie for him. Heartbreaking. This poor kid was put in a situation that no child should ever be in. This is what I consider child-abuse.

Now for the other kid, my younger daughter... she always had a tumultuous relationship with her father, the ex-crement. When she watched him beat up her step-dad, who had been only kind, loving and generous to her, she decided that she had enough. She had been struggling with anxiety issues that started after a fearful weekend at her father's (at age 6), and when she watched him attack her step-dad-- she was done. She has not wanted to have anything to do with my ex ever since this incident. She is now 13 and still insists on avoiding him at all costs.

There is so much more to the story, but I am beyond exhausted of retelling it. My biggest problem today is the influence that this narcissistic, arrogant, lying, loser has on my son. The ex-crement tells my son horrible things about me, lies to him, and turns him against me. He lures my son to his hellhole apartment by allowing him to play video games all day and night, sleep out at whatever friend, and basically letting this teenaged boy do whatever he wants. I can't compete with that. I have rules in my house, limitations on computer games, TV, and curfews. I even insist on feeding him a green smoothie every morning! What am I to do? I fear that every single minute my son spends with his father is damaging to him in the long-run. His father doesn't go to work, teaches him to be dishonest and lie, and did I mention that he is an alcoholic and a drug user. I forgot to mention that at the beginning... I found out he was an alcoholic after we divorced, and his drug test came back positive for cocaine abuse. He is impossible to deal with, harasses me with emails and texts, and I cannot have a conversation with him if the kids' lives depended on it. I don't care about the money that he owes, I just want him to stop poisoning my son. Why is my son so easily influenced by him? What can I do?

Your story so reminds me of my own nightmare with my ex-husband. I have 2 kids as well that he brainwashes and then accuses me of everything evil that he is doing to them. No matter how hard I try to get him to see how mean and hateful he is, he always turns it around onto me and will never ever see the light. It is going on three years now since I left him and it is still just as heart breaking and as exhausting as when it first started. There are weeks at a time where he will be civil and I get a glimmer of hope that he has changed and that the future is looking bright and the WHAM...something sets him off and the rage and wrath come down on me all over again. It is so draining and exhausting...I have no idea where to turn or what can be done. He puts me into such a slump that all I can do is sleep and try to escape it for awhile. My first reaction is to run to an Attorney but as I've heard and experienced first hand there is nothing that can be done. Has anyone out there found a way to combat these maniac, sadistic, hateful ex-husbands? What is the best way to defend yourself and your children?

First, let me tell you that the best thing you can do for yourself and your children is thrive despite your ex's behavior. Ex's such as ours feed off our despair and fear - so the way you combat this is to be happy, radiate positive energy, and be fearless. As soon as I let go of his negative energy and did not focus on it, things changed slowly and each time I succeeded in not allowing him to affect me, I won a battle until eventually I won the war. Eventually all of his negative rhetoric came to roost on him and now his sons know who he is, he owes me 38K in back child support, and he works two jobs to pay his child support. Karma came back and bit him squarely in the butt. Be gentle with yourself, call Archangel Michael to protect you each and every time your are around your ex, and give your ex the proverbial rope to hang himself based on his bad behavior. Keep the faith- this too shall pass. And your kids will begin to see the difference when Mom doesn't participate in the negativity. Good Luck!

I too have a psycho ex husband. That's the reason I found this site. Don't worry. More people than you know can see this creepo for what he really is. Just do your best to build a support system for yourself. Don't worry about "El creepo", his world will fall apart in time. I would also suggest that you tell anyone you deal with regarding the children (Doctors, teachers) that they are to deal with you and your ex separately and that your ex NEVER speaks for you. <br />
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I hope it all works out for you. The kids will be old enough to be safe before you know it and then you can breath easier. It's sad that producing pawns (getting you pregnant without your consent) is the typical psychos number one way to control a woman. You love your sons, your ex sees them as ob<x>jects to manipulate and control you with as well as a way to legally stay in your life. I'm sure you know this by now. It happens all the time. I wish courts would see this pattern for what it is instead of assuming that these creepy type fathers have any honorable intentions.

"He tells everyone his twisted tale of me beating him, threatening to kill him, and taking the children away from him. None of which he can proof, however, there are a lot of gullible people out there."<br />
I know about this, in my case, we divorced without any responsibility on neither of the sides, since my daughter is mine only. But this part you wrote, is exactly what my ex is saying about me, same story.<br />
You are not alone, and I will pray that sometime soon your kids know the truth about everything.<br />
It can't rain all the time, remember it is always darker before dawn.<br />

i've seen this happen time and again. it's sad, it's beyond sad. if he's not going to pay his child support why is it he gets to see them at all when he doesn't care enough to support them in their lives? this makes no sense to me and surely ANY judge would read your email history, read the past police report and see a well hidden pattern of abuse thus removing the 'joint' custody order and re-inforcing the support order. i'd press the courts for the child support. he's not going to hurt his children - that would risk his 'mr. wonderful' facade. it is YOU he's after. and while it's true some parents will use their children to hurt the ex spouse, in most cases this is emotional and not physical. thus speeding up the children's opinion of their father. i know your first inclination is to protect your children at all cost and i'm by no means suggesting you use them in any way or that you allow him to but the truth is - he's already emotionally harming them and it's only going to continue. the sooner it blows up in his face the better it will be for the boys because they can escape him sooner than later. your boys are entitled to that money. it is supposed to help support them. if he isn't responsible enough to support them i can't imagine how he is when they're with him ... it must nearly worry you to death. any way i'd utilize the child support to spur the situation and speed up the process a bit thereby saving the boys several years of mental anguish. that's just me tho ... best wishes to you.

I'm sorry to hear about your nightmarish ABUSIVE EX. You were so right to get the H E L L out when you did and unfortunately AGAIN the justice system continually fails!! I worked in a shelter for abused women and children for just over 5 years, so i fully understand all these horrendous dynamics. All i can say to you, apart from the stupid lawyer who told you to remain in an extremely volatile home IS, that children are no dummies, and statistically what he is doing will eventually backfire on him. Most kids who get *duped* by the dishonest and in your case ABUSIVE parent, learn SOONER rather than LATER the real truth. Eventually the typical pattern is, that soon once they piece it together and they WILL, he will end up losing the kids completely and they most likely will end up HATING him for deceiving them about you. Kids are so incredibly amazing at reading between the lines and piecing it all together, that before you know it, they MOST likely will not want ANYTHING to do with him, and once they are a certain age, custody agreement or not, the courts will allow the children to chose who they wish to be with. It will be at that time that his *perfect* little nutland will fall apart. His kids will want nothing to do with him and infact most likely HATE him for his behavior, In my 5+ years at this shelter i saw this happen over, and over and over again. So although it may be of little comfort right now, please know that soon the kids will figure out the truth, recognize his lies (as he won't remember them, but the kids will) and they will be back in your arms with the PATHETIC justice system backing you up. Too little too late, yes with regards to the justice system, but in the end you will SHINE through with your kids at his side and he will fall to pieces like he SHOULD. Best of luck!!