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Example of a Psycho Exhusband

My exhusband every summer wants to change the days of our exchange of our kids to accommodate his work schedule.  I asked him to email me what changes he is proposing and the length of time he would want this change to be in effect.  This is typical of his type of response:

If you would like to come on Sunday around 5 pm you can pick them up then; of course I'll need your answer back in email form before Friday too make sure we won't have plans. If I don't receive an email then we will see you Monday at your work. (0650 hrs)  Just in case you forgot WE (you & I) have joint custody of our boys so there was no reason for me to make proposal for you "to decide if you would accept it" everyone knows you were going to refuse it anyway just to fight or try to bait
me.  Again, I'm not going to fight w/you, and for the record your dad and I understand each other and no one is going to cause problems between us because we don't have time for it. Oh I have a few questions for you. Why do you hate me so much? Why can't you get along with me is it a control thing like your mom? Have a good day

I could use an opinion here.  Am I reading too much into this or is this guy really exploiting what he feels is control because we have "joint custody"? Since my ex has been known to falsely make claims of things I say or don't say, why is it unreasonable to ask for something in writing from him?  Now if someone doesn't want to fight why would they then bring up stuff that has nothing to do with the topic at hand?

bonobabe bonobabe 31-35, F 4 Responses Jun 6, 2007

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My God..I thought I was the only one that got messages like that from my ex-husband. He will send a nasty gram and then I will respond and set him straight and then his response comes back and it's not even dealing with the same topic...it is way off ba<x>se and then I'm thinking...my God..you are truly insane. How does someones brain get so twisted that they cannot even keep on the same subject. I wish I had an explanation for the both of us and I wish my ex would get on some type of medication because he is clearly bi-polar and refuses to see it.

WOW! this email brings back memories of my own ex husband. he was always refusing to fight with me, yet he continually set traps and landmines - failed attempts to trip my trigger and upset me. which, of course, further angered him as he realized he did not have control over me nor my emotions - that he had no affect on me whatsoever or so it seemed to him because i refused to react to any of it despite how i felt. asking for a schedule in writing, if it differs from that suggested by the court or in the decree, is a completely acceptable practice and one that is recommended by every attorney i know. as A.R. brought up; saving all correspondence between the two of you as well as choosing your words wisely is vital should anything arise in the future. i think the most important thing to do is to discontinue all communication on a personal level. all communication should be in regard to business only - the kids, maintenance, support, whatever ... but never anything of a personal nature. do not respond to these landmines of his. he's doing precisely what he claims not to be - he's attempting to upset you so you will go on the defense and possibly strike back. don't take the bait. now if you don't mind i need to go purge myself of the disgusting feeling that's come over me since remembering the passive aggressive lifestyle i was once subjected to. lol good luck!

Yikes, that sounds like a nightmare just waiting to occur. Thankfully my ex and i have a 60(me)/40(him) split of our children. For their sake he bought a home just down the street ( a little too close for my comfort ) but great for the kids. We went through a few silly emails like that, but that was when the pain was still really fresh. Perhaps he is still in pain over the loss of the marriage and is *acting out* instead of dealing with it like a grown up. The BEST things about emails is that they can be saved. Since day 1 any email i receive from my ex, i have saved, just incase. People are quite silly when they put certain things in writing, it can come back to bite them. So whatever you do, MAKE SURE whatever you write, you chose your words carefully and the sillier and even nastier he gets in his emails may infact come in handy IF things get really ugly. Good luck, it's no fun receiving emails like that. Grrrrrrrrrrr ;)

I had this same problem with my x-wife. Joint custody, she refused to put visitation in writing so that she could keep it flexible, etc. In the end it was a control issue and she lost it all as the kids now both live with me full time and I practically force them to go spend time with their mom (she lives a few blocks away).