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Confess to Emotional Affair

If your spouse shows you information about emotional affair, and feels certain this is what you are doing, why get so defensive?  I have been trying to get my husband to admit this is happening with his "friend" because of all the text messaging, letters found a long time ago, and hiding his phone.  I believe he is not having sex, because he admitted he wanted to, and she refused.  Why then continue this "friendship" when you both know this is what he wants. 

Now, when I bring him articles that explain emotional affairs, he gets angry and says he does not care what I found written because it has nothing to do with him.  However, there have been times he begins to see that maybe there is something more, but I should not get upset when they are NOT having sex.

Is that suppose to make me feel better when we are not having sex either.  He is hiding what he is doing and how often he feels the need to communicate with this girl half his age.  I want to know the real truth, and he just gets defensive or refuses to discuss.  Do men have a problem seeing and admitting what is going on, in fear it may have to end?  Is it not wanting to hurt the spouses feelings?  Or, is it just not being capable of telling the truth or how to communicate openly and honestly?

Women want to know, and we want the truth whether it hurts us or not.  Keeping silence or ignoring the issue, does not make it go away, it makes it worse in the relationship.  All I do is think about things, look for evidence, and distrust this man of 20 years marriage.  What is it, that makes a man unable to communicate?

lakemaggie lakemaggie 51-55, F 25 Responses Apr 21, 2008

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It has been 6 months when I caught my husband having and emotional affair with another women. How I found out was While he was out at the doctors he left his phone home and somehow something told me to have a look that something is wrong I wasn't sure what till I saw their text messages it wasn't how friends communicate it was very flirty and they both were declaring how much they love eachother and she wanted to know when she will see him again and so on. So I rang her she answered in a very quiet secretive voice and I said to her who are you to be texting my husband? She was of coarse very shocked and hung up on me at this point I was absolutely devasted my world came crashing down and my heart broke for the first time it I hit my husband up about it he denies everything that were just friends, she has a boyfriend and that how he talks to all he friends I couldn't fathom the lies he was telling me to my damn face I was like no dude friends don't text eachother like that she was the wife that how there textes were she knew more about what my husband was going through then I did and that pissed me off I am a spit fire when I'm pissed so he got it all. Till this day he still denies it he gets frustrated when I ask him about her he tells me he loves me and only me he married me no women has nothing on me. It's daunting how can he be in so much denial and say he loves me when he told her he loved her too that's what I am having a hard time with it's hard but I must say this my husband doesn't meet my needs mentally or emotionally I do have my own insecurities but I know deep down these are my issues to deal with. Funny thing though my husband is 18 years older then me I have never thought of cheating on him because I know what love means love isn't selfserving love is always giving love is sacrifice love is passionate love is pure society today should not take what love really is. As for my husband he is trying his best to make amends he can keep trying but I really want to know why he won't admit his EA?

I have recently caught my fiancee having an emotional affair of sorts. He doesn't call and text just one woman, but several women regularly while he is at work. Then he comes home and is distant and cold towards me. I have confronted him about it, explaining that while I don't object to his having female friends, I do object to his treating me differently and pushing me away after he has been in contact with his female "friends." I know this fills some kind of emotional need for excitement and ego-stroking in his life, especially since each of these women is either an ex-girlfriend or someone he wanted to date but was turned down by. He assures me that these women are all "just friends" and that he contacts them "just to stay in touch and see what's going on in their lives," but given that he treats me so differently after contacting any of them, it's obvious there's more to it than that. In fact, the way I caught him was by noticing that whenever his facebook page showed activity with any of these women, he would treat me differently. When he hasn't been "socializing" he treats me just fine and is a great guy. Recently things came to a head. I injured my hip and have been off work for several weeks. In that time he has been treating me progressively worse and has been increasing his contact with his female "friends." So much so that on Valentine's Day, while we were on a group date with a bunch of his coworkers and their wives, he left me sitting alone for 45 min and it turned out he was busy texting and then calling one of his ex-girlfriends. I was so hurt and humiliated by his behavior. Even his co-workers felt bad when they found out what had happened. I left our home to stay with my sister for several days because I was so hurt and furious and told him I wouldnt marry him if he continued treating me this way. He has since deleted all but two or three of his female friends from his cell phone and his Facebook page, and has been treating me a lot better, which feels good. Despite this, I just can't seem to stop worrying and feeling hurt about the whole mess. We're not even married yet and only got a house together 6 months ago. If this is how he behaves now, how many affairs will he have indulged in by the time we've been married a few years? We've been together 2 1/2 years and this is the first time I've had any kind of significant illness, and instead of being supportive he heads for the comfort of easy text-message-based fantasy relationships with other women. I feel so sad and disappointed. How can I marry this man and expect to have any trust in him? Now I'm not only dealing with trying to recover from my hip injury, but I'm also anxious and nauseous most of the time and am losing a lot of sleep. I could understand his behavior if we didn't get along or if I were whining, complaining, and unpleasant while I've been sick, but that's not the case. Since becoming injured I've gone out of my way to make sure that my injury doesn't mess up his life. I've kept up with housework, sex (when he is willing to come near me), and am bringing home almost as much money through disability insurance as I was earning before I was injured. I just don't understand and feel like I'm damaged goods and just not exciting enough for him any more.

I think you already answered your own questions and doubts. Just be glad you are not married, and if you follow through with the marriage, you did not go in blind.
This is a warning what the future will hold, and it's not good. I can tell you this man has a serious problem, and you will not be able to change him. You have to decide to accept him as he is, or make plans to move on. This will cause serious illness if you continue to live with lies and deception.

It has been 3 months since I have found out that my husband was texting & talking to another female. She is half his age and says that they were just friends. She knows that he is married and has children and still continued to talk to him even though I told her not to. About a month ago, I found out that they slept together. According to them, it only happened once. On his end he is saying that it never should of happened and for her she is in love with him. I have been on all the roller coaster rides since and feel sick to my stomach. I want to believe that this is just a rough path but if he can't be a man and tell me that there's no hope, then I am stuck with dealing with it all. He has apologized and admitted it was wrong and that they don't talk anymore. But I still feel that he misses the conversations or talking with her. He is like a lost puppy though doesn't want to leave me. I want to move on from this but don't know how. Maybe the fear of being alone is what's hard and the fact that I love him still is what's holding me back from actually leaving him.

Over 10 years ago, I carpooled with a married man. I was single at the time. He was very interesting, and he also went to my church, along with his wife. His wife was very pretty, and I'm rather average looking. She was also probably 10-15 years older than me. Anyway, I found myself attracted to this man. He flirted with me a lot on the car rides to and from work, but kept telling me what a great marriage he had. He even said he and his wife were marriage snobs! I kind of wondered why, if he had such a great marriage, he was flirting so much with me. One day, he confessed that he was attracted to me. I can't remember exactly what he said. It was very odd. Anyway, as much as I liked him, I knew that there was something seriously amiss with this guy. Why was he telling me this? DId he want to have an affair with me? I thought I couldn't trust the bastard as far as I could throw him. If he was behaving this way behind his wife's back--the wife he had such a great marriage with--how could I trust him with anything, let alone my affections? It was hard to resist, but something in my heart told me he was bad news.

Good for you that you did not fall into the trap of having an affair with a married man. It is unfortunate, but even the most seemingly devoted husbands/wives can fall into temptation and end up doing things they never thought they were capable of. This has destroyed many marriages and families. I'm so glad that you resisted!

Firstly I think it's unrealistic to expect that men and women in long term marriages will not occasionally fall in love once in a while. Having children is the deciding factor though - I suppose when there are no children involved it's an easier choice, but what if your sexual attraction to your partner has been missing a year or more? Are you supposed to take a vow of celibacy?

I used to say to my boyfriend (after we'd been together 6 years) 'If you do ever have a fling, make sure it's safe and neither of us know the person'. I know that if he'd had an 'emotional affair' I'd feel in more trouble. In that case, after 8 years the spark was well and truly gone and we split up fairly amicably, we'd had no children



I had a kind of emotional affair with a male colleague. I made light of his advances and I could tell it was more than a physical thing, for me as well as him. Nothing physical happened between us, and eventually we pretty much lost contact. It was a couple of years ago though, and every so often I think of him and it makes me cry. Letting it go when it felt very meaningful is highly painful. In this case it was characterised by great conversations, laughs and work-wise we were an excellent team. I hate the idea of affairs, and personally I've never cheated on anyone, but this last experience helped me understand how very painful it can be. Life can be cruel can't it? I count my blessings often though, it would have been worse if I'd got involved!

I am currently involved in an emotional affair. I have never been on a site like this where one can basically bare all to an issue so emotive as this. Should I be here on this blog? Are there real people with constructive opinion to help some one through this ordeal?

That's what this blog is for. You are involved in an emotional affair, and want constructive opinion. Which side of the fence are you on in this affair?

I have a few question for you men who are having emotional affairs... Why not leave your wives for the woman who makes you happy? Have you tried voicing your frustrations or needs that are not being met to your wife? If she worked on meeting your needs do you think your feelings for the other woman would die? Do you believe you are truly in love with the other woman?

I have asked the very same questions, and only received lame reply from spouse. I have discovered some people get off on the fantasy, or pretend to be having an affair because they are bored with their lives. They feel it is innocent enough since they are not "doing anything wrong". At least that is how they justify their actions. It is not love they are feeling, it is just good old fashion lust. None of it is acceptable whether it is male or female having the affair with their computer. That's not negotionable no matter how they feel it can be justified.
I even asked my spouse to write messages to me, and we can pretend not to know one another. He couldn't do that, but did admit he was bored. Not much hope when you can't get them to accept offers to spice things up a little. So, it is their problem, not their spouse. They went looking, and they found.
For me, it was the lying that made me so angry, and the fact we no longer have an open and honest relationship. That has been destroyed, and they have to come clean, admit, apologize, and discontinue the affair. Otherwise, your relationship cannot begin the healing process.
Why they don't leave their spouse is for selfish reasons.

I do not think he will admit to doing anything. I see no need to be chatting with anyone all the time unless you want to get together for sex. So if you are not having sex with husband start again. If you are having sex try to spice it up by having it at different places where you might get caught and that adds excitement. You might even pretend you are strangers and have him pick you up some where. Do you suck his **** or take it up the ***?



Experiment and see what turns him on. If you can get him excited in some way he will stop and just want you. Then of course you can start flirting with other men. It is up to you to try everything or give up and tell him to continue doing what ever it is he enjoys.

i think my husband is having an emotional affair with an old friend from back home she on his facebook ,he has her as a contact in his cell phone i confronted him and he got so Defensive,thats when i really got worried but he jus wont admitt it i think they use to date wht should i do its tearing me apart..

I know your post was some time ago, but if you are still wondering what to do, keep checking his cell phone for messages sent and drafts. If you find something, forward to yourself, and when the time comes, ask him a question. If he flat out lies or gets defensive, print the message you found and throw it in his face. It's the greatest satisfaction you can get. Watch him squirm just before he tries to make you feel guilty for snooping around. LOL

When I was 6 months pregnant I caught my husband having an emotional affair with a woman. The same woman he had an emotional affair with his former wife, and that ended in divorce as a result. He denied it and said his son dialed her number by accident when he was playing with his phone. Right! He promised never to contact her again and I forgave him. Fast forward....our son will be a year in a few weeks. I just found out he has been calling and texting the same woman. Actually, he never stopped. I looked at our phone records for the past year (thank you Att&t( and sure enough....long conversations, multiple texts back and forth...over and over and over....3 days after I gave birth and was still in the hospital, Christmas Eve, even wjhile I was sitting right next to him watching movies. When confronted he denied it and said the phone company made a mistake. He so vehemently denied it (I AM NOT TALKING TO GAYLE!) he could have won an Oscar. After 2 days of him treating me like an idiot (he even watched me call the phone company to see if something was wrong with our service) I finally called her. She came clean and gave me detailed information. Basically she confirmed what I already knew....that they communicate reagularly. Only then did he admit everything. I feel so betrayed. I have read about emotional affairs, so I know my part in this is probably not meeting some need for him. But I am so angry and hurt right now. Our son isn't even one yet. This is so sad.

I am another married man that had an emotional affair with one female and then a physical affair with another. What you women have to realize is, men are entitled to have female friends. Just as much as women are entitled to male friends. They do need to show restraint from things getting out of control, but things happen. Marriage gets boring and complacent. It's both the husband's and the wife's fault. I had my affairs because my wife doesn't fulfill my needs. She knows she doesn't because I communicate it to her. I do what needs to be done around the house such as laundry, dishes, cooking, and cleaning. I wouldn't do any of that if I didn't feel good about myself. Having an affair does just that. As long as I am happy, my wife is happy. She has no idea about my affairs because I maintain a descreet affair. I don't talk to anyone when my wife is home and I don't leave in the middle of the night to go have sex. I have other descreet things I do but I will keep that to myself. You can call me names or think I am scum but this is the way it is.



My emotional affair started on Facebook and I never met the woman. She was a friend of a friend. I do not have a Facebook account anymore because Facebook is a huge emotional affair. If you have a Facebook page, then you are having an emotional affair. Think about it. Why do people like Facebook so much? To keep in touch with their friends? No, because it makes them feel wanted and important. That is what an emotional affair does to us men. We like to be pampered and to feel important.



I hope I helped you understand a little better. I rambled on a bit but it is what I am feeling about this subject. Take care.

Great observation about facebook. I have a female friend I am close with. Initially, she and my wife were friends after they met dropping our same aged boys at preschool. Gradually, she and I became friends. Due to ever shifting circumstances, she and I started meeting for play dates for the boys. As time passed, we became good friends. Around the same time, my wife indicated she was unhappy and started talking about divorce. We both went to counseling and things started getting better. During the crisis time of our marriage, my friend became my sounding board for what was going on. Like others have posted on here, I am a dedicated father, primary breadwinner and fairly equal sharer of domestic chores.
Last week, my wife indicated she thought my relationship with our mutual friend was weird. That the woman and I acted life boyfriend/girlfriend. My wife had encouraged the friendship with me and the friend separately. I learned from counseling I need to make my romantic relationship with my wife most important. Above all other things. When my wife indicated her concern, I replied she is the most important person to me and I would make changes to my friend relationship to address her concerns. My wife said she did not want changes made on her behalf. She said I was getting something out of the friend relationship I needed. In spite of what she said, I went ahead and addressed the issue with my friend. She understands. She (the friend) knows both of us (wife/me) pretty well and does not want to be in the middle. The whole thing is a f-up mess. I would like to communicate better with my wife. We have tried, yet we seem to drift back to old patterns.
I would say the friend and I never got to the point of an "emotional affair." If we were both female, the situation would be wholly different. We would be two ladies chatting at the park while the children play. We would once in a while go out for a drink. No one would consider the situation odd or out of line. I don't know. The whole thing is a giant pain in the ***!

I have also been involed in an emotional affair. It has gone on for 3 years now and it is very hard. We are both married with children and cant leave our spouses because of the childrens sake. Me and him can talk on the phone for hours and are very honest with each other. We have tried to break it off before because we were both very jealous of each others so however it didnt last for very long because one way or the other we end up talking to each other again.

I have a very loving husband and father of my kids so I am not sure why I keep talking to my other lover. I know he would never be good father material and I wonder if he would do the same things to me as he is doing to her. He says he loves me and he tells me more of whats going on in his life than he could ever tell her and vice versa. Im very confused and I hope that one day I can break it off with him because if my husband ever found out he would be devestated and heartbroken.

Can anyone help me

Lakemaggie,



The children involved in our marraiges is what keeps us from being together. My conversations with my spouse are like heated debates and not conversations. My spouse feels the need to always "Win" their opinion instead of accepting that i have my own opinion. Most conversations i have learned to know what topics i can and cannot disscuss. My talking to my friend my spouse knows about. has from day one. It caused a big arguement and I am ready to leave my marriage before stopping talking to my friend. They know this. I cannot be just me to my spouse as they get defensive with who i really am. Believe me if i had known certain things about my spouse years ago and not had any children with this person I would not be married to them now. I stay for the children involved.

My conversations with my friend are realxed and I know i don't have to hold back and be careful of what i say. We can talk about anything no matter what and not feel afraid of what the other will think. I can be a friend first and forever to my friend. and vice versus. we have talked about that already. We was friends before it went emotional and we both have agreed that even though we love each other and want to be together that our friendship will never go away. We both have kids to raise and even though our desire to be together is very strong we don't want to cause a turmoil for the kids in our lives. In time as the kids are older that may change but right now that is the way we feel it needs to be even though we both want and desire more.

Hi Lakemaggie,



Please don't be angry with the men for trying to show you the side that you are trying to understand.



I am technically 'the other woman' in an emotional affair. We met online with the intentions of flirting, seeking attention from someone that we were not getting at home. It quickly progressed to a more personal intimate emotional connection. We connected on so many levels, our taste in food, music, opinions, sense of humor, etc. I could go on forever.



We learned the hard way that we love each other and there was no way around it. He tried leaving, tried being a dad with integrity by telling me he needed to let me go after a 6 month emotional relationship. We were apart for 10 months. I continued sharing my feelings, my love, my missing him during that time. Of course there were moments of depression and I spoke to him about those moments too. Once we reconnected he said there were sooo many times he wanted to reach out to me. He would start a letter and delete it before he could send it. He laughed when I laughed and cried with me when I was in pain. He was trying to fix his marriage and through those 10 months, they had bad 'I want a divorce' fights. He went through a deep depression where he wanted to end his life.



When we reconnected it was the most beautiful love. Time apart was lost to us and it made us stronger. We loved deeper.



So you want to know why.....



The truth is, for the both of us, we got married young. We were inexperienced or too young to know what we wanted out of a relationship let alone a marriage. Our spouses are also not the people they claim to be. We grew up. Are also different people ourselves. Found each other and realized we both married spouses that could be each others twin. We also are soooo similar its uncanny. Again, similar thoughts, wants, needs, sense of humor, taste in food, furniture, ... we have the same passion of history, travel, art, etc. the list is way to long and would put you to sleep.



Why stay in a marriage or have an emotional affair? Why not leave? Simply for the same reason they say 90% of unhappy married couples stay....



#1 Children



#2 Finances



Those are two of the reasons we stay, not so much the #2 but definitely the #1. Our emotional affair is not only unconventional it is riddled with so many mountains to climb. We not only have our own set of children, we live in different states across the country. He has said, if just ONE of us didn't have children, he would leave her for me in a heartbeat. If he didn't have children, it wouldn't be a question, if I didn't have children he would try hard as hell to convince me to be with him. The difficulty is two sets of children in different states.



So please understand that not ALL affairs are continuous cheaters. This emotional affair is the first for the both of us. It is difficult for us. We feel we were meant to be together, meant to be each others soulmates.



But through marriage counseling he is trying to fix his marriage for the sake of the children foremost but also because she is a good person and deserves better from him. I get it, does it hurt like hell yes. But he still does not want to let me go, and I don't want to lose him either, even if it means us being friends.



So please understand that sometimes, circumstances may have driven someone away from their spouse, but finding someone you completely wish you could change your life for, wish you could live a different life for is the story spoke of in romance novels.



It may be hard to believe, but we never meant to hurt anyone. We just wanted to be loved and found someone who we connected with deeply.



We find ourselves comparing our relationship to The Lakehouse, Eat Pray Love, and ESPECIALLY to Letters to Juliet.



A love you are willing to leave love ones for, cross oceans for. To have the courage to cease that love, and if you don't.... you hope that some day you do.



That is our love story.

I'm dealing with this too. My husband thinks there is nothing wrong with all the texting their doing because there is no sex involved. Doesn't matter that the text are inappropriate for a married man to be sending. He's a truck driver and if you knew all the info(I do have my story posted under "tired of all the drama") I have more reason to be looking elsewhere than him. She's a waitress at a truck stop he goes to and according to him she's pretty much a ho and not someone he'd get "sexually" involved with. He just did all the texting to make her feel good about herself. HELLO!!!! He doesn't do that for me. He's so busy feeding compliments to other girls he doesn't care what its doing to me. And forget talking to him about it. Done that. He really sees nothing wrong with it and doesn't understand why I get so upset?! What's happening is after 10 years of marriage and ALOT of drama from his side he's pushing me to where I feel like I need to start looking elsewhere for attention. But then of course I'LL be the bad person!!!!!!

Let me ask you LostSpace, what is the materialistic thing you have in your life right now that keeps you from seeking happiness? What conversations do you have with your friend you cannot have with your spouse? If you are hiding your friend relationship, then something is wrong, and don't think for one minute your spouse is unaware. Have you ever tried talking openly with your spouse about what you feel? I know it is difficult if one is defensive, and it can become a shouting match, but if you feel so strongly about sticking it out, and you do nothing to change your situation, you will be miserable. Do you really want to sacrafice your happiness that way?



My situation has changed since the OW is now married and has a family of her own, but since my spouse feels he never got closure on how she ended their "friendship", he still has her on his mind. He has tried to contact her, and she is doing the right thing by not responding. The "friendship" is over, and neither one of us are happy, so what good came from all of this? Since he does not feel he can be open and honest with me about the whole affair, neither one of us have closure. It is not fair to keep your true feelings hidden from your spouse. How else do ever hope to have happiness, no matter what the consequences might be? It might help you to learn something about yourself if you can open up, and give your spouse the opportunity to know what is going on in your head.

I totally agree with netdoctor.. I have been in an emoitonal affair. both of us have found in each other what is missing from our own marriages. even after trying to get that from our marriages we have found we don't want to give up what we have together. we have the most open and honest conversations and respect each other for it even if it hurts one of us. if we didn't have what we have in life now we both would leave our spouses to be together but that is not possible. so we have made a pact to always be friends first no matter what happens and if both become single at any point in time we will be together more then friends.

Net Doctor sounds just like my husband with few minor changes that would not apply, but made me wonder if this could have been his way to respond. Interesting that lives can be so similar, and yet not exactly the same. Just goes to show no one is alone in whatever problems they might be having in their relationship. The only way you can resolve anything is being able to communicate openly and refrain from accusing one another for your own faults. If you find you no longer care or love your partner, then it is time to move on with your life, and find what little happiness is left with or without that person. Stressing over the relationship will cause illness, and that you can bank on as truth. I will say this, if both cannot be completely honest, you are just wasting time. Lying is the worst part of emotional affairs and can destroy the trust you once had.

I just caught my husband having a facebook/texting affair. His response "we're just friends, I've never even kissed her". Like that makes me feel better, I'm devestrated at 20 years of marrage, now I sneaking around looking for any "real" information, check my AT&T account 10 times a day and hate what I have become. How do you know it will stop or if you can ever "get over it" or should you just leave?

An emotional affair can be just as harmful as a physical one. He's still in a fantasy world with this person he doesn't really know. Tell your husband he needs to end it. If he won't, see if he'll go to counseling. And if he won't do that, your marriage is in big trouble. Do not take this lightly! There are websites about emotional affairs. Check those out too.

Can I come at this as "the enemy"? I am the man in an emotional affair right now, and it is tearing me up.



I am 52 and have been married for 30 years. I love my wife, but our marriage has been essentially sexless for the majority of those years...maybe twice a year for the last 15 years or so. I don't use that as an excuse, but to give background only.



I have been what I consider the perfect husband. I have been home every evening, and available to be with her every weekend. I have had no friends, so my family is my entire world. I have had no outside hobbies away from my wife...I was either at work or home. She does go out with our daughters on weekends and some evenings, mainly shopping, so we are not together all of the time.



I have a coworker that I have been friendly with for the last couple of years. She is 26, so also half my age. We emailed as a matter of course concerning work, but then started to talk less about work and more about our lives. The more we talked, and texted, and emailed, the closer we became. I was happy to have a friend, quite honestly, and one that shared so many different interests with me, and one that I could share emotional issues with. I made sure my wife knew I had a friend, and that she was a female. My wife even knows her, and was fine with the friendship.



After a while my friend and I started going out one afternoon a week after work, just to eat and talk. The conversations became serious, and the next thing I know, I am completely in love with her. Why, I don't know. She is emotionally more open than my wife has ever been, and she appreciates me...something that my wife hasn't expressed in a while, except as the breadwinner and provider.



There is no sex, and my friend says there never will be, so at least someone is acting like an adult here. The most we have done is hug. I do love her, and she loves me, but I believe the emotional affair is more on my side than hers. She admits that we are having an emotional affair and she will have to live with that, but that sex is out of the question.



I had no intention of this ever happening...I really do love my wife, and I really don't want my friend to be viewed as the OW, but I have allowed her to become just that. I am completely wrapped up in her emotionally, to the point where I would consider leaving my wife for her if I thought she would take me. My wife suspects that this has gone too far, and has started to dictate what I can and can't do with my friend. So I do get defensive and angry, not because she is telling me what to do (well, okay, there is some of that), but because I don't want this to end. I don't want to lose my wife, but I also don't want to lose the love of my friend. She is providing something emotionally that I didn't know I was missing, and I do not want to give that up.



So that is the other side. I have stability and a long and happy relationship with my wife, but then I have an emotionally satisfying relationship with my friend as well. I have no romantic future with my friend, I don't believe (though I want one), so I am prepared to watch her date and marry someone else while still continuing our relationship, as I want her to be happy. Since I can't be with my friend, I also want to stay with my wife, though she does not provide the same kind of emotional support as my friend. I realize this whole situation is my fault, and I am being greedy and selfish, and that at some point *something* is going to change. So, if it is any consolation, I fully expect to be miserable and alone by the time everything is said and done.

why not try with your wife take her out for a meal or go on holiday together and meet friends as a couple .

I am into week three of actual confirmation of an emotional affair my husband has with an online "friiend". It is still devastating. However, he is even more "devastated" trying to get over it..according to him The internet brings in a lot of good information into our lives, but it also brings the outside world into our living rooms. He says he never intended to leave, he just needed an escape but life has been full of so many hard times lately. Never once have I really truly felt that he was at all concerned about my feelings at this point It is all about him. It makes me feel not alone to know there are others going through this, but it hurts just the same that any of us have to deal with this. My husband is 51 and he says he would not be normal if something like this had not happened. They never had a chance to meet before they moved out of the area and supposedly he has decided not to have any further email communication with her - but it hurts him. So much to deal with.

I have been recently going through all of this myself, and of course I'm feeling lost. In order for me to think this through the truth needs to come out and I'm unsure as to why the lies need to continue. In order for two people to try and rebuild there marriage the trust has to be there. I have tried to search high and low for ways to get copies of these text messages so that I can know for myself if this is just "FRIENDSHIP"! Why would a friendship be so important that you would ruin a marriage?

I am going through the exact same thing. He switches between pages when I walk into the room. I know that they're emailing but I just cannot find an email for definite proof. They have certain times set for emailing and I sneak up and he immediately closes the page. When I confronted him about the cellphone messages, he quickly deleted them on the iPhone which is a phone I didnt understand but have since found out it is extremely quick to erase messages from the inbox and the trash box. Since then the sms's have stopped, just the emailing. He checks to see when I'm in the bath then he either goes up to his study to his his pc or he emails from his iPad. He even sits on the loo to email from his iPad!!! I am heartbroken and a wreck. Have felt something is wrong for the past four years but was in denial until more definite suspicious behavior surfaced during he December holidays in 2011. We have been in conflict for 5 months now. I have lost 5 kgs in 5 months ( not a bad thing lol) but the depression is getting me down. I am starting to think that is turning into a physical relationship now. Please help!

hi dont blame yourself, i went through the same with my husband of 32 years .like you i lost weight fell into depression. Go to the hairdresser get a new outfit and go out with some friends. Talk to friends but most of all have faith in yourself. Tell him he has to make a choice this girl or you . good luck

It has been a long time I was here, and that is due to the first emotional affair ended. The girl got married and pregnant and has moved on with her life. My husband has continued to contact her, but she is done with him. Several months passed, and now just recently I found him doing it again with someone even younger. I have decided it is not who, but why he feels the need. He likes the messaging part, and the excitement he feels by doing it. The only problem, it still is not harmless. There is something he needs and I am not able to provide. That can happen to people when they get so hung up using the cell phone or computer to communicate. It is like an addiction, and I don't think they even know why. That's why they cannot explain to us what makes them want to do this with other women. There may be women doing the same thing. It provides some excitement or emotion they are lacking in their life, and they like how it makes them feel.



You have to understand in my case, I have been married over 30 years. That might help explain my situation, but it does not make it okay. He is aware that I am onto him, so he makes sure he clears out all his messages. I hate it when they get smart. LOL

Well, out of 324 people that viewed this story, you are the only one that had a comment. What does that tell you about men and how they think? You can bet they would NOT put up with it for any reason, unless of course, they were having an affair. They won't tell us the real truth, because we will get mad. They want to pretend it never happened, but odds are, he is still sending messages and receiving, but now he knows to erase all evidence or lock his phone.

I am having exactly the same problem! I have been trying for over a year now to get to the bottom of my husband's emotional affair. I don't know for sure how long it went on and what happened - anytime I have tried to find out he doesn't want to talk about it. He maintains that he did nothing wrong as he only replied to her messages! I was under the impression that if someone speaks to you and you answer you open a dialogue. He thinks because he stopped contact the moment I found out that everything is fine but how can I trust him? Would men put up with what we are putting up with?

Of course not. You see i have been finding evidence on his clothes the way he acts and even the way he treats me with a cocky attitude and when I did confront him he did get defensive. So I know he tells a lot of lies but, I tell myself if your not going to be true to me or your self I will get even and to can play the same game. Then will see who gets hurt.