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This Is Weird, Right?

Ok, so the other night, a neighbor who I barely know but sometimes speak to his wife and have started having his daughter babysit on occasion, knocks on the door at about 6:30 at night.  He asks if he can use me as a reference for a Security Clearance because you have to put some people who can verify where you live.  I say sure, let me just write down the info.  He says, "What's up anyways, girl?"  I say, "Not much, just helping my son with his math homework."  I wanted to convey that I was busy and did not want to engage in small talk.  I don't like the way this guy talks to his kids, I think he's kind of mean to them.  So, next thing I know, he has walked in and is pulling up a chair next to my son and butts in on the homework lesson.  I fill out the card, give it to him feeling like "What the hell is this guy thinking?" But, obviously, as I'm alone with my kids I don't want to **** him off, but I want him the hell out of my house.  "Ok, thanks for the help with the math.  We've got it from here."  He looks surprised and a little bit perturbed and then he looks at my son..."You ok?  You got it?  You want me to stay?"  Mind you, my son has NEVER talked to this guy before.  I don't even know his first name.  My son looked to me and I could tell that he was uncomfortable as well.  I said, "No, that's ok.  He and I like to do the homework together, plus I have to get the other kids squared away for bed.  Bedtime is in half an hour at our house."  He looked flustered and like he wanted to object some more, but all he said was, "Oh, I just like kids and like to help them with their homework."  I said, "Oh, well that's nice, but I'd like to help him with it."  Thankfully he followed me to the door which I promptly opened for him and ushered him out.  I locked the door as soon as I closed it and I know he heard the lock click into place. 

So, my question is, this is not normal behavior, right?  I told my son and my other kids to stay away from him and if he tries to talk to them when they are playing outside or something they need to tell me straight away.  Can anyone tell me if there is anything else that I should do or anything else that I should be watching for?
mj915 mj915 31-35, F 11 Responses Feb 1, 2008

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Yeah, it's a no go. I won't ever use her as a sitter again. I spoke about it with my husband and we both agreed that it was just not a situation that we want.

Do not use his daughter (or anyone else in his house) to babysit for you, ever again, not for a moment. Your story frightened me. I have a bad, bad feeling about this guy.

Yes, we had an experience once when we took the kids out for ice cream. My husband was sitting with the three littlest kids and I had gone to order the ice cream with my 7 year old. A man got into line behind us and I realized that he kept staring at my son. I put him in front of me in line instead of behind me so that I was between the two of them. Then, the girl behind the counter said, "Can I help whose next?" And that dude started to order I just turned my head and looked at him, and he gave me this look that was something like I've never seen before. "Oh, yes. You're in front of me, aren't you." He purred it. And then he said, "Your son. He is an extraordinarily beautiful child. I like him." It was so blatant. I was shocked, appalled and disgusted. It took all that I had to keep from getting my husband and other kids and leaving, but my instinct told me that he wanted that victory, that he wanted power. So, I ordered our ice cream and went and sat down with my family. He sat at the table behind us, facing me. He kept staring at me and at the little ones that were sitting beside me. I finally held his eyes for long enough that he looked away and thankfully he also got up and left. Am I 100% positive that he was really a sleaze bag *********? No. But he did like trying to scare me and it was my unwillingness to allow him to intimidate me that I believe finally made me no more fun. My Dad was that way in a sense. He wanted power over us kids. He wanted us bent to his will, unquestioning. Maybe this is what I recognized magnified to a much larger degree in this man, just that thirst for power over other living things. Whatever it was, it was grossly disturbing.

Thanks you guys, I really, really appreciate your input here. I knew that there was something very, very off and very disturbing about the situation. But, since my husband is gone, and I was also nearly raped in college that I might be overreacting. I can say this with certainty. I'd rather go the entire time with no sitter than have anything happen to my kids. I'd die to protect them.

light, that's along the lines of what i was thinking too.

Oy. I hadn't even thought about that...his pushing past her into the house. Yuck. On the plus side, both times that she has stayed with the kids, she has locked the door and put up the chain. I was really glad to know that she did both. I mean, of course I asked her to keep the door locked, but the fact that she also put up the chain was good. <br />
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Gosh. It seems like I am just destined to have no babysitter for the entire 15 months my husband is away.

Yes, that is already a rule that I have and I will be more specific with it the next time that I have her over.

wow. yeah, i think your concerns might be well founded. i think your idea about having the niece come over and talk and possibly gaining her confidence is a good one. i think your instincts are good. you might also want to make it clear that she's not to allow anyone (meaning especially her uncle/dad) come over while you're out of the house.

journey, I've been concerned about his kids since we moved here. We're on an Army base, and so you've got all sorts of people mixed in together. He curses at his children a lot. For example, the first time that I knocked on their door to see if their fifteen year old could come and stay with my kids for an hour, his two little kids came running to the door (like kids do) to see who was there. He said to me, "Excuse me for a moment." And then, he proceeded to growl "Get your ***** up the stairs now, you little pieces of ****." At this point, I thought, "Oh God, do I really even want his daughter to babysit?" But, she had already heard me ask and had come to the door as well. She's a sweet girl, I stayed there for most of the time and watched her interact with the kids. I've had her come once since then and the kids love her...she seems to really enjoy getting away from the house. I guess she isn't even really their daughter, she's their niece and they've adopted her. I want to have her come over more frequently when I am here as well, just so that I can get to know her and perhaps she'll start to confide in me if there is anything beyond the obvious verbal barrage. My Dad didn't ever curse at us, but he did treat us very harshly, and I am very sensitive to the predicament that this girl may be in. <br />
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Babyblue, I wasn't quite sure if the interest was directed at me, or at my son. All I know is that with my husband deployed and him knowing that, I definitely was NOT comfortable with the situation and I got the feeling that he KNEW I was uncomfortable and he was enjoying it. I have thought about talking to his wife about it, but I don't know if that is a bad move or not.

speaking as a person who has given presentations on child molesters, this guy sends up red flags in my head. definitely better to be safe than sorry. if you're getting a weird vibe (and i definitely am, from your story) then keep him far away from your kids. and if you can keep an eye out for signs of abuse from his own kids that would be great too.

Speaking as a man.....tell him that you do not like him and that he is to stay away from you and your children.<br />
Be direct and be firm about it. Use small words and short sentences so that he understands (since you are talking to a male mind). Too much talk will confuse him as to what you are saying.<br />
He DEFINITELY crossed the line. I feel that he was interested in you and not the child. He had no business coming into your house uninvited. He is a creep....call the police if you need to.<br />
If you do not put up with any BS, then you will get no BS.