It's My Life; Without Regret

Affairs are typically an unfortunate by-product, or end result of unfulfilled and unhappy partners; often negatively viewed, however the circumstances of which are so widely varied, and not so readily to be fairly considered. It is my contention that unless you have ever experienced the situation first-hand in any of its three primary roles, you truly lack minimal legitimate basis or cause to judge. However, there will always be those self-righteous individuals whose opinion MUST be heard. That being said, I too have a right to express my perspective.
In our world, our relationship IS NOT second best . . He isn’t ready to leave his child or his marriage at the present time. He has never led me to believe that it would happen quickly. I went in with eyes wide open to the fact that sacrifices are required, and that change will be slow, in his time . . We are two consenting adults, who have mutually chosen these roles . . in doing so we fulfill each other's needs, ones that have been denied otherwise.
Trust me when I tell you I am in no way selfish in my actions, or my attitude . . Our primary priorities lie with our families. Our needs are often negated, in favor of those of others. He contributes what he perceives as necessary to his home life, that exchange is purely between him and his spouse. This scenario existed long before I came into his life. It is my firm belief that what results from less than sincere motives & ideal intentions from the outset of a marriage, is an unhappy one. His wife must be prepared to take responsibility and ownership of her contribution to the demise of the marriage. The spouse IS NOT completely blameless or a victim ! One can't expect to impose their self-centered desires upon another, without consequence. Suffice to say, regardless of me, he fully intends to end his marriage. Period. We are all human, subject to mistakes in judgment that we shouldn't be held eternal prisoner to. We all possess an inherent human need & divine right to seek happiness in our lives. In whatever form it may take.
Our intent is not to cause harm or purposefully hurt anyone.
Then there are those that will say "Why do you settle?" I do understand how being "the one" in someone else's life is an ideal scenario . . but for me, right now, THIS is special. It's special because I have someone who consistently nurtures my emotional and physical needs, without reservation. I don’t expect, nor will I ask him to choose between me and his commitment as a father to a child who requires his presence in more ways than one. That responsibility will diminish with time. I am confident the deep connection and love that we share will endure. There will ultimately arrive a time when we can be exclusive, OUR time to be together legitimately. Until then, he is worth the wait, & what we share is enough. He proves to me time and again by his actions & words that he loves me deeply, cares about me completely, and is consciously striving for a future with me.
This relationship is life-changing. This man has given me more than I ever thought possible. A level of comfort that my heart has not experienced before. All this could change in a minute . . and so, living in the present I fully intend to enjoy all the good that exists, all the moments that I cherish with him . . that I know we deserve, that matter . . both giving our utmost effort to contribute happiness to one another’s existence . . within an imperfect, unconventional arrangement. This is what works & what is best for us. So let the world judge me, I could care less. Excuse me while I follow my heart . .
KattG KattG
51-55, F
19 Responses Feb 16, 2013

Hi. I fully understand everything that you say and it is so refreshing to hear how you share the responsibility of the relationship. I'm in a similar situation and both of us sometimes have to put the families before our feelings. I think people who question why you settle for this existence often do not analyse their own situations as they might find the love has gone and they are just drifting through what is expected of them. Good luck in everything you do.

Katt, you are living my life. All of what you have written i have experienced. I love him, we both know the future has us together. For now, his boys are the priority. I would love to connect and share more.

Katt, i have nothinh in my heart for u but admiration.i wish i have all what u have to keep things going between us. As i love him..with all my being. And i am more than willing to do what it takes just to have him forever. Ur such an inspiration to me.

Sounds really inspiring to me..

You have, essentially, written my story. :) I completely understand every feeling and experience you mentioned and couldn't agree more with your sentiments. We are not settling. I stopped settling the day I asked for a divorce... and it was my new (second-rate according to society) relationship that taught me that I should never have to settle. :) Thank you for sharing.

If you like, please get in touch . . I'd welcome your support.

Sorry, I can't agree with your self-serving rationalizations. His behavior in particular is appalling. He is totally in the wrong to start a relationship that he is not free to commit to. He is totally wrong to give up on his marriage without having exhausted every means to salvage the relationship first. If it isn't salvageable, for any reason, then he should walk, and *then* he can hook up with whoever he feels like, with a clear conscience.

Bringing a third party into a relationship that isn't working is NOT going to fix it.

And consider this: if he does leave his wife, what have you landed? A man who is a proven cheat. You think he couldn't do it to you, too? I'm sure his wife felt that way once.

Be careful what you wish for.

Not expecting anyone's approval . . there is zero desire or incentive on his part to fix or salvage the marriage. Of course this doesn't repair an already broken relationship. We both freely choose what we see as best for our well being. He didn't "bring" me in . . We want to be a part of each other's life. I don't wish for anything other than to share happiness with this man. What the result may be is unknown, & remains to be seen. Not living to please anyone but myself. I'm at a point in my life where I don't care about being thought of as selfish . . or being judged.

I admire your strength of spirit, if not your morals. Wish I had more of it.

Thank you for saying so . . believe me, it took a long time to get here ! Some days are infinitely more challenging than others . . but in time you come to a place of realization; it's YOUR life; you must be the one in control of it; nobody else can decide what is best; you are the sole judge of this. You only get one chance to live it to the fullest potential.

Admire you and agree.

exactly what you reply I have read

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This is a really fascinating and honest perspective on marriage and relationships as a whole and although I can see the truly moralistic would have strong opinions on what you've said I can't help but agree that I think your clarity is very sober. It's really nobody's business to cast opinions either way as this is about your life, your feelings, and what it takes to make you feel complete.
There are of course the very likely risks that some people will be hurt in a situation like this. Secrecy is a creature that never sleeps and there's always the risk that one day someone will slip up or one lover may suddenly just decide to confess to their partner out of guilt or anger and then the impact that has are no longer within your control. But it's your risk and for you only to weigh up as anyone must, whether the gain is worth the loss.
I do commend you both for putting your children first providing that each marriage still provides a happy and supportive environment for these children to grow up in.

I wish all of you the best for a happy future anyway. :)

lol...I can only laugh at some of these responses! I wonder if the attacks on this woman who shared her experience is a reflection of what the attackers ( haters) are lacking in their life. Did you ever consider if this whole "monogamy concept" is so hard to achieve, why does one base their whole mental health on it? (putting away my stool now )

That's yet another aspect that many self righteous people subtract from the equation . . Not to mention the innate human need (and I believe a necessity) for an emotionally healthy and supportive presence in one's life. We often become inextricably involved in an attempt to "do the right thing" not realizing until later on that it wasn't necessarily the best option or choice for our own happiness.

I was once in your shoes...the mistress who blamed the wife... Now I'm the wife whom the mistress blames for making her lover's life my very careful.

I am not blaming anyone . . I am of the school of thought that when situations in our lives don't work out in our favor, we should be willing to take responsibility for our part in it. We all create consequences related to the choices that we make.

Yep, there are consequences for behaviors as my spouse likes to insist ...but some people unknowingly create fallible situations for others so as to excuse their own nature and behavior.

<p>I understand you. I am that man. I had an affair, & have fallen head over heels in love with her. I never went looking for this, it just happened. I think it cought us both by surprise. But the connection I feel with this woman I have never felt with anyone before. I'm normally a very emotionally dry person, always have been....except when with her. Words can not describe how I feel when I'm with her. I never felt like that for my wife. Our marriage was always very boring, & pretty loveless. We are very different. </p><p>I was willing to give up everything i had worked for my whole life for her. Unfortunately this has resulted in heartbreak for me. Look for & read my story. I hope you do not do the same to him. I'm sure you won't. I hope for nothing but the best for you two. Every one deserves the chance at true happiness.</p>

why would you want a man that is doing that to another for whatever reason? If he does leave her for you I guarentee he will have another while married to you also. Would you be understanding to her if she posted what you did about your husband? You are not only decieved but decieving yourself. Take off the glasses of denial and love yourself more than that. You will eventually some day sorry for you and her for that matter....good luck to you

I have to disagree with kelzduncan. As I said, I was going to leave everything for her. I would not cheat on her. As I think I will never cheat again. If I could of been with her I'm sure I would of felt fulfilled. I have no desire to go around with different women. One that fulfills all my needs, a soulmate is enough. Sometimes life deals you some cards that you just have to play.

I understand what you are saying. I also feel that you loved your wife when you took your vows or you wouldnt have married her. Reguardless you took vows to love her and her alone. Not only if things werent as you wish. If you are not feeling fulfilled by your wife then address that , fix it or move on. Its not fair to you or her to stay in a marriage you are not happy in and an affair isnt the answer. Im sorry, I dont mean to be harsh but I have strong feelings on infidelity. No matter how you spin it, its just wrong.

Well, I honestly did not go out looking for another woman to fill the voids in my life. I really didn't even realize that they were there until afterwards. It just happened. I understand your point of view, I'm not making any excuses for myself or trying to justify my actions in any way, shape or form. But I can tell you that I truly do love this woman. Things change throughout life. Sometimes you can't control everything. Life &amp; love is not fair.

kelz what happens so often in marriages is that people marry initially with the best of intentions, and without accepting the fact that a marriage is WORK . . and then over the course of time as issues begin to surface, it erodes the foundation of the relationship. Once this happens, it's just simply going to fall apart, unless both partners are jointly willing to make a real effort to fix the problems. By the time it becomes painfully obvious that there is no hope for salvaging the marriage, it is typically not so easy to just simply end it. It is a process, a very personal and difficult transition. I say this because I have been there . .15+ years in a marriage that I fought for, alone in my efforts for the most part. It's a known fact . . with time, people change, their needs and perspectives do as well. We can't control everything in life and love . . We can only manage as best we can within the circumstances we are dealt . .

well you took vows and the other party took vows. To love honor and cherish til death do you part. Not just until it doesnt work out so well and need to bring in a third party to make it feel better. Marriage is a contract under God. As much justification as you try to project nothing you say or reason will lift the judgement off of you for breaking that contract. No one is perfect. We all make mistakes and can be forgiven, however for you to remain in a state of purposely doing what is wrong will lead you straight to hell and you will continue to violate that which was meant to be Godly. Trust is the main issue here. Not only is trust violated, its so many lies. Does the wife know? Would she approve? Did she get married hoping for husband to do this? Why compromise yourself in such a way? It only speaks of your self respect and your character. Turn it around and you will like yourself much more, because as of now you do not.

oh...and as for your statement that" by the time it becomes painfully obvious that there is no hope for salvaging the marriage , it is typically not so easy to simply end it"....its already over. Once the cheating happens there is no going back. Its done. You can fool yourself into thinking it can be fixed but it cant be. It will surface in other ways. You start to resent without even thinking about it. I know....have been there. Its not the husband cheating on you that hurts the most. Thats just sex. Its the lies. Its the feeling that you know something is up but they will never admit it. The coming home late. The hang up phone calls in the middle of the night. The feeling that you are crazy because everything points to cheating but your loving husband will never admit it and would rather make you think you are crazy. It all equals to abuse. Its emotional abuse that you are a part of . Its disgusting and repulsive that a man would justify himself like that and think its okay, and it must make you proud to think you are a part of it. But of course its not your marriage is it? So obviously you are not responsible for any of it are you? You disgust me.

I won't even dignify that with a response. You are entitled to your opinions and beliefs, but you are not my judge or jury. Sounds like you are quite resentful and could benefit from some counseling.

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And when this does blow up in your face - please repost! Inquiring minds would love to know!

when what blows up in her face? Her involvement with a married man? I would like to know YOUR expert experience on the topic!!

Thank you. I identify with your story. Best of luck

Yes infidelity is one of the harsh realities in life, of relationships . . It happens . . Even to me. As I said in my story she will lose in the end because of her own actions not because of me . . It is my intent that she never know. I have no guilt or insecurity. In life there are no guarantees.

You don't know her/the story. You know what he told you. Or, in a best case scenario, you have witnessed them in a public environment where you see what you believe to be supporting behavior to what you have been told or thought about the situation. You don't know what goes on behind closed doors, attempts made by her to reconcile any issues, etc. And, is it really her fault that there are some rough patches in the relationship? Everybody has been on the receiving and giving end of troubles in a relationship. If it's so awful he should leave. When a person doesn't leave, they are only demonstrating their selfishness. He wants to keep his money and his kids and his mistress because he can't be real man and deal with the downside of marriage aka divorce.

And that will forever leave you at a disadvantage. You are also being cheated when a man who apparently loves you, oh so much, that he deprives of sharing his life and spending/dedicated all his time and love with you. He will do anything for you. Except, leave the "other" woman aka his wife for the best, most beautiful woman he's ever met. If his love is that strong and that real, does it matter if he has to lose something to gain something so great, rare and beautiful (inside and out) as you? I'll tell you right now, I'd sacrifice whatever I had to in order to be with someone who shares the magnitude of love you purportedly share together with your MM.

Would it make any difference to you to realize how your decision to divorce would impact any children involved ? I don't know many loving &amp; dedicated parents who are willing to place their own needs above those of their children . .

So agree.

I agree

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Well done, Katt! Hugs!

" but for me, right now, THIS is special. It's special because I have someone who consistently nurtures my emotional and physical needs, without reservation. I don’t expect, nor will I ask him to choose between me and his commitment as a father to a child who requires his presence in more ways than one. That responsibility will diminish with time. I am confident the deep connection and love that we share will endure. There will ultimately arrive a time when we can be exclusive, OUR time to be together legitimately. Until then, he is worth the wait, & what we share is enough."

How would you feel if you came to find out he was cheating on you? The bottom line is that you are wrecking the home. But you do have the right to do that if you wish. You are correct in this. Doesn't make it cool or right. Just now that what goes around comes around sweetheart. Love is a beautiful thing - but not when it comes at a cost of someone elses happiness especially when they were there first. Have fun. I hope you find the same. You deserve him.

That's right it's easiest to simply blame &amp; place all the focus on the 3rd party ~ "the homewrecker". . so I guess the two people in the marriage are faultless ? I think not . .

Two things... you never addressed my question and secondly, nobody is intentionally trying to place blame here. I am simply trying to point out the problem you have in your life right now... even though you may not see it as that (situational ignorance/denial). The two people in the marriage should be just that - the *two* people. He wouldn't be able to do what he does without a 3rd party entering the equation. Who ever is to blame in the marriage noone truly knows right now. What is known is that individuals who are unfaithful in the marriages are generally untruthful. Just remember there are two sides to every story and if his wife is/was trying to make things better you are just interfering with her efforts, potential as they may be. Or, it could be the case that nothing is wrong and he is just getting some side play. He wouldn't tell you the truth either way. And if he tried, it may be skewed because of what *he* perceives to be the problem in the marriage. If you asked his wife would she agree with what he sees to be the problem actually being the problem, I'd bet the farm she would not!

It's easy to perceive the situation as completely dishonest when you don't know the people involved, or the history behind the marriage. A marriage based on forced obligation from the start is never a valid foundation to build upon. It takes two people who are committed, dedicated, &amp; sincere in their motives and intent to maintain a solid marriage. I was married, am divorced, and my ex was unfaithful (I did respond to your question, see comment above). I don't need to be married to him to be loved an cherished by him . . We cultivate mutual happiness for each other . . I find nothing wrong in that. He is to be commended for fulfilling his obligation to his family. I don't interfere with this. What we share is kept separate. I feel no necessity to justify myself, simply posted here to share my experience.

Good for you! Doesn't change the facts IMO. But, I wish you luck :)

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I'm glad you're going through a phase of a renewal in love and hope Kat...
I share it with my MM right now as well, maybe it's seasonal ;)).
you write so candidly, your descriptions so accurate, I recognise myself in my own relationship through your writing..
It's so lonely without them, isn't it... even though my career and family life are quite hectic.
Grateful for the plethora of methods to communicate, write poetry and prose to each other, send pix and videos, anything we see that is worthwhile sharing - we're really connected electronically 24/7, which makes for a fantastic close friendship, connected in a very real way but living separate lives.
When I get to see him, he makes me smile continuously - i just marvel at his face. he is sooo hansome, funny, sexy. quick and kind...
You're right.. It's a beautiful thing, and as you and I are experiencing, It's a magically pure and close relationship between two individuals who wish to hurt no one, but end up hurting themselves...

Yes this existence does consist of it's share of moments of feeling isolated and deprived, this absolutely comes with the territory. However it has dawned upon my sensibilities quite strikingly in the recent weeks . . that if the emotions are REAL, and the intentions are mutually shared between both people involved . . the investment is legitimate. Any negativity that we suffer, is purely what we create in our minds. The only way to utterly enjoy the fullness of what exists, is to in turn fully embrace and accept the situation. There is no other option. Revel in all the beauty and passion of it, for it is truly the stuff that makes life worth living. Giving and receiving of the whole heart is magical, special, and pure in itself ~ an experience that fulfills the heart &amp; soul. My wish is that your joy &amp; happiness continue to endure . .

As a 70 year old person, I find your words to be inspiring and honest. I admire you
and hope this marvelous experience may continue along in whatever manner proves best for all.

All the best!