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Feeling Lonely

"I have a relationship with a married man"

I met and feel in love with a married man over a year ago. It was at a time in my life when I felt I needed someone with whom I could relate to. He told me early on that he was married but still I accepted his invitation for lunch a few days later. After being married myself for 22yrs and dumped for a younger woman I had very low self-esteem. So I guess the first guy that showed me some attention made me feel wanted again! He never spent over an hour a day with me and if we had sex he maybe stayed longer. He began to make excuses as to why he had to leave but I was blinded by love. He expressed that he love me and I believed him. The sex was great, however the relationship was not based on sex. We communicated well together and I really enjoyed that. But for some reason my conscious started to bother me more and more. Although he called me twice a day I started to make excuses or just wouldn't answer the phone when he called. Finally one day we had an argument it escalated and I told him that I wanted more and he said to me I told you that I would never leave my wife because we have invested too much together and that they were friends sharing separate   rooms! (LOL) Hearing him say that really hit me like a ton of bricks!I told him that I wouldn't be a FOOL anymore and he just said well if you ever want to call me you can! I cried but somehow was relieved because of morality. However, he says he still loves me. At this point I don't know how I really feel I am trying to move on with my life but there will be good days and bad days. Wish I knew how to cope with this so that I can move on with my life. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

downsouth59 downsouth59 56-60 9 Responses Oct 16, 2009

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You are as selfish as he is. You do not take into consideration the wife you are hurting. You believe the lies he may tell you about his life when in fact there is probably nothing wrong and he is just being a pig. My advice is to go find a single man and leave married men alone. Its women like you that give us a bad name.

You make some good points because she never should have been with a married man, as soon as she found out that he was attached she should have left. But the thing is it might have took her a while but she did leave, do you know how many women are doing this and are never willing to quit messing around with married man. So while she was wrong it could be worst. Put it like this I got a good feeling the next time a married guy comes on to her she will tell him no.

Just remember this if he loved you, he would treat you right. If he truely love you, then he would be with you and only you, not you and her. So you did right by leaving him and I hope you stay that way.

Trust me, they never leave. I too fell for that hook, line and sinker. I met someone who was married during a low point in life. My marriage was already headed towards divorce and there was this married man waiting for me. He said and did all the right things at first. Invited me places, bought me things, said the nicest things. But over time, I also noticed he had a wandering eye for any cute young thing. We would be together and he would walk by and look right at their butt and say, "That's nice." He was blantant and rude about looking at other women and actually commenting. It hurt me so much because I thought I was his number one. I believed his story about how he and his wife didn't have sex anymore, I believed his story about how he loved only me and looking at other women meant nothing, and so I let him look at other women for a while, believing that he was really into just me. Imagine my surprise when I found out that it was all a lie. He stopped inviting me places and would refuse to stay the night with me. He would only come over and have sex and I would make him dinner and blinded by love, I believed he was serious about me. Then another woman's name would come up and he would brag about how gorgeous she was. It took me a while to make the connection that I was NOT the only one! He had been stringing me along. He was telling me things so I would sleep with him, yet would be out flirting and also trying to get other women to sleep with him, while at the same time keep his marriage. I couldn't do it anymore and after five years of it, low self worth and a guilty conscience, I ended it. Now he blames me, saying that I was too needy, that I just couldn't accept things as they are and we live in reality and all of that. Funny how, in the beginning, he told me the opposite. He told me how we would be together and that he could do whatever he wanted because he and his wife were not really connected and he came and went as he pleased. Right! If he didn't get sex with me he pouted and refused to talk to me. But once he got it, within a couple of hours he went right back to her, all the while saying, "Next time I will stay the night. Next time I will stay longer." It's all BS! I know now that I am worth more than that. I am better than a man like that. Even to this day, even though it has been over for months, he still emails me and says, "I know you are struggling with things about us. I know you think I couldn't give you everything you needed, but we both live in reality and there is only one area of my marriage that my wife can't fill. You knew my needs." Smack! Yeah, I know your need now! It was sex! All I was, was a side dish. I was just there to fill in the blanks. His wife actually turned out to be a super nice, caring woman who took excellent care of him. I feel so sorry for her being stuck with a letch like that. All he will do is find another woman, another patsy just like me and pour out the same sob story. Don't fall for it ladies! Think better of yourselves! Get out of there! It's nothing but trouble, pain and heartache. Not only that, but while you are at home waiting for the little scraps he throws you, he is out to dinner or on vacation with "the wife he has nothing to do with." While he is feeding you lines of love, he is making love and spending money on "the wife he is not really married to, the one he has a business relationship with." Don't fall for it!

I am sorry he treated you like that.

Currently I am involved with a married man. I need advice too!

Run my dear as fast as you can,I wish I could speak with you and tell you my story,it's not healty one please gather the courage and break it off,they never leave their wife and even if they will always be a cheater.

I suggest you get out of this. This MM will tell you everything you want to hear and believe me, it's believable ...until she finds out about you, then you can kiss him goodbye (literally). MM only use women to their own benefit. Read the stats, 98.9% of MM remain with their wives. You appear young; don't waste your precious youth waiting on a man, that would sooner than later not wait or care about you! ....from personal experience.

Yeah... I ran away:)

Run like hell .... read my stories and see the hell this type of relationship puts you through ...

1 More Response

I have been with my MM for 7 years now. We were both married when it started. My marriage was on its way out and his is steady fast. We worked together and I had been attracted to him for many years but said nothing. We started talking alot more and spending time together. I thought no way he would ever, but I know I would. One day he made a move and I jumped right in. Not more than 5 days later we were in a back room at work together. We had already moved into an emotional connection. I've tried to leave him twice in the past 2.5 years. We still called every day which made it impossible to stay away. I would not want him to leave his wife of 30 years, nor would he. It is a conversation we had once and it was very brief. I have my older boys (22, 23) living with me, so there is no rush for us to 'be together'. I don't believe we will ever be together. It is hard, I miss him so much at times...I feel that when I miss him the most is when I keep my distance. I might not answer all his calls or respond to his text. Those moments are difficult also, but it serves to put some distance between us. We are so much alike in most ways (we worked in the same department and have shared experiences) and different where it counts. I truly believe he is my soul mate. I am lucky to know what this kind of love feels like, maybe no so lucky to know this kind of loneliness. I'm here until he puts a stop to it. He is no only the best lover of my life, he is my best friend and confidant.

Let me guess ... he's still with the wife right? He's your soul mate then (*rolls eyes*)

I too found myself in an affair that I didn't expect to happen. It was definitely the thrill of being bad and getting caught in the beginning. However things soon began to change as we also developed an emotional connection. We have tried stopping the affair a few times before and are now again at a stop. Its only been a few days and already I feel myself wanting to email him and tell him how much I miss him. He really did become a good support system for me besides just the sex.

Downsouth - I can relate to your story very well. I met my MM just over a year ago, we were online friends - through email only - for the first 3 months. I was still married at the time (7 years married) - unhappily - and he was (and still is married). It started out as emails where we'd get perspective from each other. We both thought the other's marriage would work out. I decided I couldn't live with my husband any more and I separated from him. Something changed with MM and me - we just had this "connection" that I can't explain. And he also made me feel appreciated and wanted and, to be honest, damn good about myself. We met and have been "together" in an affair type of way since last April. The sex is great, but even he says it's just the icing on the cake. I don't see him every day. I see him on average once a week. Sometimes twice. For me, right now, that's enough. Yes, I'd like him to be able to be more a part of my life, but I'm busy. I have 2 young kids and work full time and a household I run by myself. Anyhow, my MM also tells me that his wife and him might be good room mates, but that's all. He says she told him she doesn't want sex anymore - she's not interested. From things he told me about his marriage when we were just emailing, I kind of believe him, but who knows. He claims his biggest reason for not leaving is his daughter. I've ditched him a few times but somehow we always end up back where we are now. I know I should end things with him - for good - but it is very hard. I do believe he loves me and I guess for now I'm thinking I wouldn't want or be ready for a long term relationship with another man anyhow, so why not enjoy what I have with him while it's working for me. Does this make sense to anyone? Anyhow, I see your story was written some time ago so hopefully you managed to keep him in your past and you moved on.

I totally understand you....i thought i was the only one feeling like this. I have tried to focus on just the "right now" happy times, rather than looking at the future with my MM.

It's hard to settle but my mm treat me dam good,he spend alot of time with me,I don't know what lies he tell is wife since the wife is currently caring for her mother in another country,I don't know all the story cause mm are liar they just say the things you want to hear,I really want to end this relationship but he all I have now.it's pathetic cause deep down we know it's wrong but it's like an addiction I know I need help.

Hi Wanda ~ I can relate to your story. I am having what I would coin as an online affair with a married man. I feel confused as to stay or go. He is charming and I feel a lure to be in his company. We have never met, just friends online. We do a lot of the sex talk, which just sends me over the edge. I find I am beginning to have feelings for him and though, I feel / sense he is having feelings for me as well, I do not force the issue. I do feel within, so as not to get hurt, to know that he will not leave his wife, nor do I feel that is something I would want him to do anyway. I am feeling a bit sad today on account of feeling stuck, but not just about this.
Thank you so much for sharing your story, Wanda. I appreciate it!

I cheated on my first husband with a coworker that was also married.This was years ago and I am now remarried,but my advice to you is to respect yourself and find a man that wants you for you and someone that can commit more than a hour a day to you.I have been cheated on by my current husband numerous times and I am to the point after six long years that I realize that I am worth so much more than being treated like the wad of gum stuck to the bottom of any man's shoes.We are all God's children,and we are fearfully and wonderfully made.I would love to correspond with you more,because I need moral support to cut ties with my husband,and it has been the hardest thing I've ever had to do.God bless you,and always know you are special and you deserve only the best.I am not proud of the fact that I cheated on my first husband,and I will not attempt to justify why I did it.I have asked god for forgiveness and I have not repeated the same mistake.We are human,but we have to take responsibility for our own lives and our own happiness.Good luck to you.

I have seen this story from the other side. I am a married guy who had a longer term affair with a woman. When we started out it was about the fun and thrill of the meeting and yes the sex was wonderful (my wife is a sexless type). Anyhow the day came soon enough when she wanted more and I was not prepared to give up my "stable but unhappy" home situation. I could understand her want for more but was not prepared to give what she needed / wanted In looking back, I think men have a different outlook and set of values when it comes to an affair. For a lot of us it is the fun and excitement of a new friend and for me at least, the thrill of sneaking around. We can truly love the woman we are carrying on with, but in the end, we don't have the courage to make the break from our current life and move on with the new lady. So, when the ultimatium is given by the second woman, we tend to back away and go back to our old life. In conclusion, he probably does love you still and of course desires you, but there is little chance he will change his mind. Your choice is to stay in the relationship as the # 2 or move on to something that fits your feelings better. Don't blame yourself for what happened. You were drawn in by the attraction and fun but in the background you likely hoped for more.