I'm Not Ready

My paternal granddad was diagnoised with alzheimers a few years ago. As soon as I heard I researched it learning what I could off the internet. If anyone has any recommendations for books please message me and let me know.

I first remember knowing something was wrong when two years in a row he insisted reviewing his will with my aunt and my father. I couldn't figure out why he was so insistant on doing so. My aunt told me a year or more later that one of his friends had found out he was planning on committing suicide by hanging himself. He wanted to hang himself instead of shooting himself since he has a ton of guns and is a Charles Heston fan and a big supporter of gun rights group. Something was wrong but no one knew what. My aunt finally figured it out and took him to the correct doctors and got him diagnoised with Alzheimers. I was in denial, as was my father for the longest time. He seemed so normal, ya know? Then one night I heard him questioning aunt pam as to where he was. It was Christmas again and we were all staying at her house. He couldn't remember where he was and asked her repeatedly where he was. I started to cry. I listened to it all as I lay in bed and they talked outside of by room.

It was real and I was finally seeing signs of this awful disease.

The next year at Dad's house for Christmas Grandad had trouble remembering how they got Dad's house and sometimes where he was. He even asked me if I was his granddaughter. Obviously he recognized me but was not really sure exactly who I was.

Aunt Pam told me that the previous Christmas at her house he panicked thinking Dad and she had put him in a nursing home. She had to repeatedly reassure him that he was at her home for Christmas. She has told me before that he has decided he will kill himself before he lets them put him in a home. Unfortunately no one lives close to him. My aunt lives a few hours away and my father and I live a day's drive away. My aunt and I are both in school trying to improve our lives and all three of us have established homes and lives where we are at. He is getting to the point of needed a full time care taker.

I am visiting with them now. This morning my aunt woke me up and let me know Granddad had pulled a gun on her new fiancee this morning. He can't remember the poor guy and probably thought he was an intruder there to hurt him and or steal from him. Thankfully the gentleman is taking it as well as can be expected I suppose. He just made all of lunch although he shows signs of apprehension, understandably so. My aunt wants to take away his guns or at least unload them all but as my father rightfully pointed out he probably has a stash hidden somewhere that no one knows about. He keeps the guns for protection and even if we took them all away as my father said he would probably go buy more as soon as we leave.

I'm scared and feel so sad that such a wonderful grandfather could be so messed up. And I know this is just the beginning. Because he still recognizes me, even if not all the time, but most of it, or at least pretends to. He definately knows my aunt and father which is great. But he has several guns and obviously is willing to use them if he feels threatened and if he can't remember who he is supposed to know, what will we do if he hurts or even kills an innocent person? I love him so much, he is a good man, but obviously some very difficult choices need to be made by the family. I don't think any of us are quite ready for them either.

Any advice would be welcome. Especially concerning the right to a gun in the state of New Mexico.


Burgandyrose Burgandyrose
26-30, F
2 Responses Mar 12, 2010

Cool thanks, I will check those out when I get home sometime next week. God tonight he came into my bedroom late at night with his revolver. He didn't point it at me thank Goddess and he did know he was supposed to recognize me so I guess that's good. But I was extra sure to remind him of who I was just in case. He'd forgotten that I was staying over. He keeps making sure I'm his grand daughter. I think a part of him knows he supposed to know me he's just not 100% certain. All the same it freaked me out. I'm going to be having a talk with my father and aunt tomorrow either when I hit the road or when I get home.<br />
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We've had plent of good times, don't get me wrong. He's a good man at heart, he just sort of scares me right now.

Thanks I would appreciate it. I'm just so sad and confused and don't really know what to do or how to handle the little I do know. I feel like he's slipping away from me and I don't get to see him as often as I would like or need to, my current job is very stressful and time consuming and its not easy to get a vacation. Thankfully I'm spending time with him now. This definitely makes me appreciate the little time I have with him all the more. Its very bittersweet.<br />
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Thanks for understanding and in advance for any help you are able to give.