Hollow Inside

I've always been depressed since i was a little kid
but it got worst the beginning of summer 2011
i started feeling hollow and empty and spiritually lost and abandoned
it felt like i couldn't feel my body and anything said to me especially spiritual
was just like a gust of wind going past my body.
i felt like i didn't exist and that i wasn't real
i felt the world wasn't real and started dissociating with the world around me
now i can't get out of this rut that that's been here forever but it just keeps getting worse and worse
it feels like gods abandoned me and forgotten about me and it hurts and i feel hurt by god but
is that even possible. i hear God is perfect and that he doesn't make mistakes but i feel deeply wounded
and i wonder why God let such bad things happen to me in my life time and if things will ever get better
or if I'll experience hell on earth and hell after life. I can barely stand anymore the pain is so bad.
I cut myself frequently for a release but i have so many scars that there is almost no more room for
cutting anymore. I'm afraid and i have this unsettling uncomfortable angry/hurt feeling in the pit of my stomach.
i want comfort and love and peace and grace and joy but i just feel scared of everything and everyone including my
own family who has always been very loving towards me.
I can't find any peace wherever i go.
i feel trapped and like i'm screaming so loudly inside but no one hears me.
i don't know what to do anymore.
stephybear1990 stephybear1990
22-25, F
1 Response Jan 30, 2012

People keep telling me I need to love myself. I hate being alone and just want to be needed and loved by someone else. I ache when I am alone and after my husband and I seperated I feel an ache daily. I cannot seem to stop thinking of him and what he may be doing. It seems he just wants to forget he ever knew me. He says he loved our marriage but when I started telling him I wasnt happy instead of him telling me lets fix it he said I was blaming him for everything. I wanted him to tell me we love eachother and I thought he may come after me but he didnt. He just got angry and it didnt matter how much I professed my love for him he just wanted to get over me it seemed. I miss him but I hate that I keep thinking of him because it hurts like heck! It seems he has lied about so much over the course of our relationship and all I ever did was try to protect him by not expressing some of my feelings of disappointment until I blew up. I just wonder is it ever even possible to have both parties in a relationship to love equally?? Comfort and peace aparently are found within. I pray you find it.