Scarred For Life

i choose what i portray to the world, and i am going to share with you what i rarely ever confide to others. i have scars all over. on my arms, on my legs, on my butt, on my back.. on my face. but i also have scars that no one could see even if i tried to show them. i cant even see them, but i can feel them. and i can see how they effect my life. getting rid of scars on my body is do-able with time. maybe not this summer, but in the future i might be able to wear a bikini or shorts in public without feeling like everyone is going to be looking at me, or even worse.. judging me. i honestly dont know what i would say if they asked. i guess from an outward perspective, my skin resembles that of a meth-heads. and although almost all my scars are self inflicted, there are some that arent little pink and purple circles caused from my life-long battle with dermotillomania. there are some that are long, white, jagged lines. those are the ones that i meant to leave. of course now i regret them. but they are a constant reminder of the pain i felt at the time, and how i could find no other outlet for that pain. but i can deal with scars, in the long run. i use bio-oil and other medicated ointments on them daily, and i hope some day they will completely fade away. but there are some marks, that cant be undone. i tell myself constantly that i am crazy for doing this damage to myself, and for bombarding myself with negative thinking. i hate myself. but how can i exibit any other behavior when it was drilled into my brain at a young age? my dad didnt care about me. or my family, he left when i was 2 or3. then decided, when i was 6 or 7 that he wanted to be in my life again. i went to stay with him in edmonton, and from what i can remember.. it was great. but the problem is, from the day i was born to when i was about 10.. i barely remember anything. not that i dont have memories, but it seems like they are insignificant, and tiny details. but yet, whenever i try and look back.. i get this feeling of shame, of unworthiness and of confusion. Its not like im lying to myself, i know what happened. but either my mind cannot accept it, or just is blocking it out because thats how i deal with my emotions and problems. i keep them inside, and then they seep out through other ways. a "stress" disorder is what im labeled with, and reoccuring depression. i am not ready yet to fully open up and disclose things that i believe happened in the past, but atleast it gives me a sense of understanding about how it is affecting me now. i hope that some day, some how i will be free of these shadows that keep following me. and maybe that will take facing them in the light once and for all.. will write more on this later. i need some time to reflect
BrookeMills BrookeMills
18-21, F
May 12, 2012