I Had Asked Myself Why

I have been blessed to be given a second chance at life.  For those of you that have read my stories, you know that I am very optimistic and that I try to keep my head up no matter what I am facing in life.  I have also dedicated my life to helping others see the positive in life's darkest moments.  This story will explain where I get that optimism and love for my life.  I now know that I am blessed, and thank God everyday, especially when I look at my three little girls.  I was not always this thankful, though, which is something that I have not shared in my writings before. 

After my car accident in January of 2002, I was told after being in a coma for 2 months, that I was never going to walk again.  This news hit me like a ton of bricks being thrown at me with full force.  I was in a rehabilitation center in my local area for about 3 weeks after I awoke.  The doctor's and medical staff at the facility started me in a very strict physical therapy regiment as soon as I had the strength to sit up again.  Physically, I amazed the doctor's at how fast I began to recover.  I was doing my excersises and learning my activities of daily living very quickly, but on the inside I was mourning.  Mourning the life that I had known those 21 years that I had been alive...walking. 

When my family and friends were with me at the hospital, I was always very positive and smiling.  I wanted to appear happy to be alive, but on the inside I was screaming.  I would lay in my hospital bed at night, when I was alone and just cry myself to sleep.  In my mind, I was battling my biggest demons.  I was angry.  Angry at God, angry at the doctors and nurses who kept me alive, and even angry with my friends and family because everyday that they would come visit, they would ritually "walk" back out of the hospital..something that I could no longer do.  I did not want my family to see these feelings.  It would crush them, especially because they were so thankful that I was alive and had been given a second chance.  I remember asking God "Why?"  Why me? What had I did to deserve this and why was I being punished?  Why did I have to be the passenger in that car?  I did not want to live my life from a wheelchair, and I especially did not want anyone, strangers or family, to have pity on me..that was the most degrading thought. 

I felt as if I had no reason to live.  I could not teach my daughter to dance, ride a bike, or even just carry her when she was tired.  I felt as if my life was over.  Then one day, all of my emotions came out..I could no longer hide my inner truths.  I was with my physical therapist, Craig, and he was trying to show me a new task.  He was teaching me how to pull myself up in my wheelchair from the floor, with only my arms.  This was the toughest, most frustrating thing that he had taught me thus far.  I had to pull myself up in my chair using only my arms, which at the time still were very weak.  My first attempt, I failed.  I screamed out in pain.  It felt as if my arms were ripping out of their sockets.  My second attempt, I screamed again and began to cry.  This time my screams were not out of pain, but out of frustration..devastation.  I began to yell.  I was yelling at Craig, I was yelling at God, and I was yelling at everyone in my life that was still "normal".  At that moment, even though Craig was with me, I felt so alone.  I began to hysterically cry.  It was as if all of those emotions that I had been holding inside, began to pour out all at once. 

Craig stood there, sympathetically looking at me.  He knelt down and began to embrace me with all of his might and compassion.  He began telling me about how God has a purpose behind everything that happens in our lives.  He said that even though I didnt know it at that moment, that one day I would see the purpose behind all of this devastation and pain..inner pain.  He continued to hold me as I cried.  He reassured me, that it was ok to feel the way I did..it was ok to be angry..and it was ok to be sad.  After I began to calm down, Craig escorted me back to my room to be alone and rest.  He gave me one more hug and again, promised me that there was a reason behind all of this heartache.

For the next couple of days, I still thought about what happened.  I thought about all of my emotions, my family, and most importantly my daughter.  I felt peace, knowing that if for no other reason on this Earth, I was left here for her.  I had to pull myself together and for once in my life, be strong on my own.  This was a battle that only I could fight, but I had to fight it.  I knew that one day I would find my purpose.

Now, seven years later, I have two more daughters, close family, close friends, and most importantly my life.  It is easier now to look back and see all of the stepping stones that I had to take to get to where I am now.  The first stone, I had to jump off; it was the one that started my life's journey to where I am now.  That first stone was my accident.  I also now have the chance to reach my dreams and touch other people's lives with my story.  I really believe that God did indeed spare my life for a bigger purpose.  That purpose is to motivate and inspire other people facing similar tragic situations, to keep going through the pain.  There is so much life to live, and although we may feel that we can no longer go on, we have to remind ourselves that anything is possibe if we just believe in ourselves and our dreams.  I am so thankful that I chose, not only to ask myself why, but to have the strength to find the answer.

"Once in a while you get shown the light in the strangest of places if you look at it right" -Jerry Garcia (Robert Hunter)

UnperfectAngel UnperfectAngel
26-30, F
5 Responses Feb 26, 2009

You are right rdt! I strongly believe there is a purpose behind everything in our lives, it is just a matter of realizing that purpose and proactively following our need to reach that purpose. Thanks so much for the comment! Blessings, <br />

Thanks so much for sharing this. I just realized that THERE is a purpose for everything, and one day, we will know that...until then....God will lead us in the right direction if we allow it. Thanks and God bless.

Awww..thank you Smokey. *luvs&kisses* Angel

As always your are an inspiration to all those around you.

I sure he does have plans for you. It will come to you before you die im sure. :P Thank you so much for your comment. Angel