I Have A Crush And It's Making Me Hate Myself. Again.

I'm very inexperiences with relationships and I tend to develop crushes on people from time to time. These never develop into anything because I am incredibly shy and awkward and just thinking about flirting makes me want to run in the opposite direction. Normally I get over my crushes when they move away or in some way disappear out of my life. It's just that this latest crush is an absolutely amazing guy and I'm convinced we'd be brilliant together. He's one of the nicest people I know, and we have common interests and he's just... perfect. I don't want to lose him from my life. I think he finds me attractive (or, at least not unattractive) but we've been working on a school assignment for the last few months and I believe that me not showing any interest at all (because, as I said, I just can't - I don't know how, it doesn't come naturally to me at all) has put any idea of me (if there ever could have been one) out of his mind. I've considered alcohol, which makes me a bit more confident, but I'm not a big drinker and haven't had a chance to hang out with him in an environment where alcohol is served.

So... I'm not sure what I'm asking for here. Just advice - but advice that isn't about me flirting, because I can't. I hate myself for how awkward I am, and I hate how having a crush makes me feel, but I can't help it. I wish so, so much that I could do something about it, because he is the most perfect person I've ever met (even his imperfections are perfect) and I would do anything for him to just hold me. I don't want him to leave my life, I want him to stay in it for a long time. But I know I'll be disappointed again, and I know I'll make the same mistake I've made before (i.e. not doing anything about it), and he'll turn into yet another dream.
nahald nahald
22-25, F
1 Response May 7, 2011

Thank you! As an aspiring author it means a lot. I have thought about perhaps writing an e-mail or something, but I always feel like he would think I was silly not saying something in person. I don't know... there are just so many women out there who are more forward and I don't see why he would like me more than any of them. Make sense? I guess not, because it's really just a pretext. Deep down I guess I'm too afraid to do anything about it because believing he doesn't like me is worse than actually knowing that he doesn't – and that's also something that makes me hate myself. I guess I'm just too afraid of life to actually live it, which is simply stupid. You're absolutely right, I have to start taking some first steps – if not this one, then some others. I'll do my best. Thanks for the advice (and sorry about the rambling answer)!