I'd Like To Know What's In His Head

I met him 7 months ago, although we had been in contact before. We both have blogs and, through a blog we both read, we started reading each other's posts and comments. Apart from his personal blog, he writes in another one about movies. I also read and write comments on that blog, so one day, as he saw I was interested in the subject, he sent me an e-mail. He wanted to tell me that, every year, he organises a little competition about the Oscars, and he wanted me to participate. That's how it all started last August. We exchanged some more e-mails after that first one, we talked about music as well, he told me he likes going to little concerts and how sometimes he finds it difficult to convince someone to go with him because most of the times they're unknown groups or singers. I told him that, if he ever couldn't find anybody, I would go with him, since I like discovering new groups. That's how things got settled for our first encounter.

We had stopped exchanging e-mails for several weeks when he suddenly wrote again saying he had 2 tickets to go to a concert and asked if I'd like to go with him. I didn't know the artist, and I didn't care: I already liked him for the conversations we had had through the e-mails, I was feeling rather lonely at the time and wanted to meet new people. Although I'm very shy at first, he had made such a good impression on me that I overcame my timidity and agreed to go to the concert. I spent my days reading his blog, going through his older posts, getting to know him better without him knowing. With every post that I read, I liked him more. He was so sensitive, so smart, so curious... The day of the concert finally came. We had agreed to met 1 hour before it began so we went to have a drink, and we talked and talked and talked. I felt so comfortable with him, which was weird because I normally feel very uncomfortable when I'm with a person I don't know, alone... I normally don't know what to say and get very nervous. But with him, I felt so good, I talked so naturally. After the concert, though, I asked if he wanted to have another drink but he said he really didn't want to stay out until late (the concert ended at around midnight and it was a wednesday). So we said goodbye, and I arrived home happy to have spent time with him, but disappointed by his abrupt departure. We saw each other again a few weeks after that for another concert by a mostly unknown group we both happen to like. The same thing happened: we met a while before the concert began, had a very nice time talking and having drinks, the concert was absolutely fantastic. That one was on a friday, so we stayed a while after the concert and talked more. But, in the end, we said goodbye without agreeing on seeing each other again... it wasn't that he didn't want to see me again, but he didn't explicitly say the contrary, we didn't agree on any future plan together. 

The weeks went by and I couldn't stop thinking about him. I sent him an e-mail at Christmas, he replied. He then wrote to me about his Oscars competition, in which I participated. I was dying to see him again, I would open my e-mail account everyday hoping to see a message by him, but there was never one. One day I couldn't take it any more and I wrote him. I told him there was an exhibition I really wanted to go see, but none of my friends were interested in coming with me. I asked him if he would like to come, and I said that if he didn't, it was OK. I sent him the e-mail late at night, and he answered at 7:30 the following morning. He said that he had to rush to work, but that he wanted to answer to me as soon as possible, that the exhibition looked like a good plan and that he was in for it. I just stared at his e-mail like a fool and smiled for several minutes. I was happy all day. So we went to the exhibition, again we talked talked talked about different things. When we finished, again he had to go back home soon (he had already told me he had a family reunion and that he wouldn't be able to stay long). He offered to give me a lift, which I accepted. And again we parted with no explicit intention of seeing each other again.

A couple of weeks after that, I saw that the group we both like was giving a concert in May (when I saw this it was March). It was going to be a small concert, I happened to see the information as soon as the tickets could be bought, and thinking about him, I bought 2. At the beginning of May (the concert was on the 17th) I wrote him again, telling him about it, asking him if he wanted to come. He said he already had something planned for that day... but that he would see if he could get out of it. Which he did. Again the drinks and the comfortable talk, again the fantastic time at the concert. When it ended (it was a thursday and again he couldn't stay late - this is because he's not super young and he doesn't want to get up early for work having slept only a couple of hours), he offered again to give me a lift. But this time it was more... familiar. He didn't say "hey, I can give you a lift if you want to" like the previous time, instead, in a very confident tone, he said, "hey, where do I take you?". It's stupid, maybe he didn't even realize, maybe it means nothing, but I noted the difference, and I liked it. During the mini trip I commented that I had been listening to a group he really likes and that I'd found out I really like it, too. We said goodbye and this time, at least, he said he would write me when this group gives a concert, so we can go together. 

The thing is... I really, really, REALLY like this guy. I liked him even before I saw him, I liked him by his writing, and he didn't disappoint me at all when I saw him. He's not remarkably handsome, he's not even tall. Physically he's a very normal guy, but I love the way he talks, the soft tone he has, how comfortable he makes me feel (which is very unusual, I sometimes even feel a bit uncomfortable when I'm alone with a friend... sometimes I don't know what to talk about, I fear I'm going to bore the other person), how he asks me how everything's going and listens to my answer, how he remembers the things I tell him (a lot of times I can tell people just don't pay attention to what I say). But, does he like me back? Even if it's not in a romantic way, even if it's just like a friend. I get very contradictory vibes from him. He answered to an e-mail at 7:30 in the morning just because he didn't want to keep me waiting, he finally came to an exhibition he wasn't particularly interested in just because I suggested it... but then he always leaves in a hurry and doesn't make any intention to meet again. He gives up a plan with other people to come with me to a concert... but, again, when we say goodbye he doesn't give the impression that he would like to see me again. I try to send out "hints" for a casual meetup to set (he has told me several times he has a friend who is a stand-up comedian and offers shows regularly... I always reply that I've been to a couple of shows like that and I love them; I say it with the intention of him replying "hey, maybe you can come one day when I go to see my friend"... but that doesn't happen). I feel confused, I still think about him everyday, I would love to have a closer relationship with him, but I don't know what's in his head. Does he see me as a friend? As this girl he goes to concerts with sometimes? Of course, the easiest way to find out would be to ask him, and I tell myself that I have nothing to lose, I barely see him after all (4 times in 7 months isn't that much, is it?), but I'm afraid to lose even the little relationship I have with him. Those 4 times time has flown and I've been absolutely happy. Lately I'm often sad, mostly because I feel lonely, is it worth putting those happy times, those happy memories, at stake? I don't know what I should do.
RedStrawberry RedStrawberry
26-30, F
1 Response May 20, 2012

I think you should ask him, because if you're not happy right now you need to find a way to change that. Just be prepared for the possibility that he's not interested. I'm certainly hoping he'll say otherwise of course.