My Crush

Is it crazy to crush on someone you don't actually know beyond just daily interactions at work? To crush on him and never tell him how I feel, not because I fear rejection (although I do), but because I fear the real him might not live up to my expectations and my fantasy? Is that a common thing? I really admire so much about him, and I enjoy the few moments I get to spend with him every time he comes in, but what if the person I made up in my mind doesn't match who he is? What then? I have it bad, worse every day... But the thought of seeing him and talking to him are what keeps me happy at work and keep me excited to go each day... I don't want to lose that either...

I haven't felt this conflict before... I'm usually very impulsive in love and relationships, jumping in and out when it suits me... But for the first time ever my confidence has faltered and I worry about messing up a friendship I'm not sure even exists beyond my head... I do know he is "aware" of me... He tells me often the only reason he comes in is to talk to me... That I'm his bright spot each day... But is that harmless flirting? A hint dropped? An invitation?

So why not just ask him and see right? Yeah I've told myself that a million times... Ask him if he's married, ask him what he does... But my courage always fades when he walks in with his grin and his charm...

You see he is older than me... By a lot... But more than that he is a reflection of who I want to be... He is charming, but not in a salacious way... He is funny, and he is a huge flirt... He doesn't flirt with others there, only with me. I've had others try and they have struck out...

But more than that he is kind, something I admire above all else. He is kind to those I work with, never getting frustrated when things take longer than they should, always understanding when problems come up, always the peacemaker and voice of reason when a dispute arises... His kindness to others overwhelms me at times, his logic flawless and his faith is impressive...

So it may sound as if I know him well, but that's the thing... He is my crush because these things you can just observe... He doesn't talk about them, he does them...

But more importantly he makes me feel like he notices things about me others don't get... He notices and comments on my smile, he always knows when I'm stressed about something and he makes comments about the kindness he sees in me... Not lines he runs on everyone.... I've asked around with the other girls I work with...

I guess I fear being that girl who falls for a guy who isn't into her... Being the crazy girl who mistakes flirting with interest, or kindness for desire... I don't want to lose the nice comments and kind words... And I don't want to look like a fool to him... So I stay back and enjoy what he offers in hopes one day it might be more... It's not an obsession, at least not a dangerous one :-p

I hope it's an isolated occurrence, the doubt is unnerving... For someone who has always prided herself on being open and outgoing, loud and not ashamed... He is the first man who has made me feel totally unsure about everything... I know it's silly at 20 but is it possible I feel this way because he is my first real crush?
KeeleyKool KeeleyKool
18-21, F
2 Responses Jan 22, 2013

Give it a go. Just ask him some questions such as what he's been up to etc, he might talk about taking the kids out but that doesn't mean he's still with the mother. Or he might say he's been to see a film....
But he's probably worried youre just being friendly because he is a customer. At my work, there's a cafe and there was a girl there who was very friendly, knew my drink, was always very attentive and seemed to look after me especially, we would chat etc. She also did our functions and sometimes we'd talk more. Then one day, we were both there until early eve and i asked her if she wanted a drink after work. She said shed come and find me in my office. I waited and she didn't appear. I felt like a prize plonker for misreading it...

Well I spose it's possible this is the first true crush you've had. My reach is you've rarely wanted for male attention, being gorgeous and all.

One of the things makes life great is surprises, I think. Every new person we come across might show us something 6new ... make us experience something we haven't ... or return us to a pleasant experience for our 'next' time.

Sometimes we just don't place enough value on 'awe' and 'different.' Hope you enjoy it ... sounds like it. I like learning bout you.

You know you are right about one thing... Well actually everything, but I've never pursued a guy before in my life... I usually take my pick with who is interested in me... Never thought about it before now... I usually show a little interest at most and if they are interested the rest it up to them... Not sure how that realization helps me at all... Hmmm

Humility is hot.

And new territory is exciting.