Does That Surprise You???

My secret is that I used to be a cutter and I still do sometimes. The only person that knows is my husband. Most of you know my history and pains from my childhood. I cut to relieve the mental agnoies of the rape, abuse, and neglect I endured during my child years. There is something about physical pain that takes away the mental pain for a while.

Im in no way happy I had that problem. Every once in a while I have relapses and I may cut, but my husband has been a great supporter in helping me heal. Including attending my therapy sessions with me to try and understand and learn about my disorder.

Its been a few months since I last did it. Ive got to learn and believe that I need to stop self destructing. I know I am loved, but the past has a way of scarring you more than anything.

I was very scared to write this story, but at the same time I want to help someone else who may be reading this to know that they are not alone and that you shouldnt be afraid to get help....you shouldnt be ashamed either.

To all my followers....Im sure I have succeeded in shocking the hell out of you. Have I?
Blackbarbie1987 Blackbarbie1987
26-30, F
25 Responses Jan 23, 2013

hey wassup i really do hope no pain in your past affect any part of your future and the ppl that's love you future with you i read your story and it gets to me knowing that ppl take advantage of such beauty. i do think your beauty is beyond words and i really wish that you or any other females never had to experience what happen to you. but be strong and take control mentally and physically remember you are a woman tho im a male i personally believe females are unbelievable and the strongest of the two genders.every day is a new beginning take control of your life and push for the happiest you deserved.

If I met the person who did that to you, I would make them apologize and give you really nice gifts to partially make up for it! :) Then I would create a very romantic atmosphere for you and Anthony and I would smile at your happiness! :)

Don't be scared Barbie! :( Your husband loves you very much! :) I bet if I met you in person, I would too! :) I understand what happened to you in the sense that my oldest sister had the same thing happen to her and it scarred her mentally, but I tried to be there for her as an emotional support and more! :)

That's sad. I hope you can stop. Such a beautiful woman and warm soul. You should not have reasons to harm yourself.

Its not shocking at all , I heard at least 30 stories of girls cutting and I would say it is an addiction . One thing to realise is the cutter needs to find something else as mental substitute while they try to stop , its kind of more skillful way to deal with it.
Sudden stop in cutting without a scapegoat will most likely cause relapse. If the habit is stronger , than one will lose. So gradually weakening the habit , will cause one to be able to fight it.

Well I appreciate that you shared. I've had some past issues that still affect me as an adult.

Thank you for the courage to share your intimate story with us.

Ok,,,stop the cutting,,its bad for your skin

May you always have love and laughter

Im happy for your progress keep it up

WELL I N A WAY YES YOU ARE TO BEAUTIFUL TO HURT YOURSELF BUT I DO UNDERSTAND GOOD FOR YOU ON GETTING HELP KEEP GOING ONE DAY AT A TIME HUGS VINNY

Hi, Friend. Nothing shocks me anymore. I don't know if my advice helps but here goes. Some of my siblings were abused, myself included. My one sister would hurt herself like you as a way of fighting back the depression and giving into the despair or both. As we got older, she found something that helped her. She got this little stuffed dog that my brother gave her from the carnival. It was about 6 inches long and really cute and kinda cheaply made. One day I discovered it under her mattress and showed my brother. The dog had half of it's hair gone. We asked her and she told us that instead of hurting herself, she would take a single hair and pull it out is the dog when she felt like hurting herself and keep doing that until she was ready to move on. The dog became naked like a chihuahua and she continued this with another stuffed animal and when not available, a small piece of carpet. We are much older now and she still has that poor first dog. She has, however, put a doggie sweater on it now. She hasn't had the urge to hurt herself for years and remembers the abuse as memories. Just memories. She has her own family now and loves them more than she hates her abusers. She has even forgiven them because they were sicker than she was. Maybe a stuffed friend might help? Thanks

wow but so sorry that should never happen to children.
i pray that your therapy and support from your husband will allways be with you, to get you through theses times, you need to try and stop the cutting i know its difficult but give it time you will get better.

You're not alone, I still get tired on my life time to time. It's been six years now since the last time I've done it,, now I sortof give up on it and hide the depression inside me being upset and fear I have in life. I have scars on my upper arm I'd do it high enough to hide under my shirt sleeve. And embarressing big one just on the side of my wrist. Why? It would balance out my pain and being upset of life. Again now I have control of myself, I try to think more positive than negative. please be strong for me, think of your husband's feelings for you, forget of the past and think abut today and tomorrow. I see of what someone else has mentioned of you and yes you are beautiful as only love goes to my wife. I read alot of these response and I see alot out there care for you.

I didn't know, and I don't know your history beyond the vague touching of base you did in this story, but I am sorry such hateful and heinous things were done to you love. Big huge bear hugs and I hope you are improving and keep improving. I can only hope that there is always someone there to remind you that you are loved and safe, I'm sure they are/will be, but still.

No shock but sympathy toward the need to cut. It is considered a disorder but I believe it is a normal behavior to refocus yourself from even more traumatic events.

There are other ways of dealing with emotional pain so you don't scar yourself for life. One person I know draws pictures. The pictures may appear horrible, or bright and normal or introspective and dark. When she is done she feels much better. Another friend removes her clothes at home and says the feelings of being nude help her feel better about herself. I've become a home nudist and stopped having so much of that type of depression. When things get bad, I take a walk. That helps, too. Take care and sorry I was so long winded.

I'm sorry you had to go thru all of that. Good thing you have someone in your life now who loves and support you.

If I could turn back time and save you from the horrible experiences you endured, I would do it in a heartbeat. No child should suffer what you went through. Children are for nuturing and loving and they are the hope of our future. Please know that I wish you well and thank you for sharing.

Thank you for such kind words. It really means alot to me! :)

You're healing already beyond the stigma of cutting, many still can't day it and try to cut where it won't show. If you have the chance, watch the movie (The) Secretary and although it is fictional, it is realistic in showing how you can trade one kind of pain for another that will makeyou feel good about yourself (BDSM).
Good luck, you are in the company of caring souls.

thnks for allowing us into ur life hone

I'm glad you are seeking help and you have support, the past is in the past, please don't let your past affect your future. Thanks for sharing.

Baby I want to hold you. You are so beautiful and sweet. I know you are happily married and I respect that but if you weren't I'd love to be the man who got to cuddle you at night. You seem like a really beautiful person hun. mmmuuaahhhh.

Awe...your such a sweetheart. Im sure if I werent married id probably take you up on that offer. Thank you so much for being who you are, honey! :)

Oh darling barbie it is good to get the thing off your chest and it will help to heal, we all have our ups and down and I am sure you will come out it soon. You will have lots of support from your true friends and we are here to support you and love you, you are a remarable, intelligent and a real beauty and God bless you

Thank you for such kind words. It was really hard to admitt this, but im glad i did. It may help someone else too.

It is a big step to share something so personal. It can be very hard and trying when you have doubts about sharing it. But we are here to show our support. You are not alone.

Thank you so much! It means alot! :)

Not so much shocked, as surprised, but overall CONCERNED that you will be okay and get over this! It is awesome that your husband supports your recovery - that is the only person (of majority age) that matters in this. Good luck, you have my prayers, BB87!

Im hoping that this doesnt change your view of me. I am still the vibrant, sexy woman Ive always been....just a bit deeply scarred by my past. I appreciate your concern, but its something I do deal with on a daily basis which is also why I tell everyone that I believe I am the lucky one in my marriage, because my husband is such a huge supporter of me. Thank you so much for your concern and kind words. :)

No! Does not change my image of you in any way! I think that is noteworthy that some of our least suspected cutters are the sexiest, most vibrant ladies out there! Xoxo

Yeah, it usually shocks people when you realize who the people are that really do cut.

Well you now have future generations counting on you to get through it! Xoxoxo

Hahaha! I hear ya!

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