I Am No Longer A Christian And Have Not Told Anyone.

Hi everyone...
MY SECRET is that I was a christian for MANY years, actually close to 25 this past summer, when I STOPPED being a christian.
I have sung in churches, coordinated christian programs, musicals, bus tours, etc...and I have not told one single christian whom I "used to know" that I am no longer a christian. I was a "christian leader" and even "christian of christians" if you kwim. A lot of people knew me from ALL that I did "in the church" ALL those years. 

I have reasons for keeping MY SECRET.

1-I don't think that they would understand it. Confusing them is of more concern to me than feeling rejected by them. I already no longer "feel a part" of the church and of its community. I accept that. I feel responsible for "ministering" to them and DELUDING them with the same delusion that I was deluded with. I really feel badly and would ask for their forgiveness for THIS...
not for NOT being a christian anymore...this would only further confuse them for the most part.

2-On the other hand, I wonder if many of the christians that I have known, understand the delusion that they are in but REFUSE to give up the community as I did. I could not "be a fake" and "stay in the church" and "sing and minister and pray" with people when I don't believe that anymore. I would be afraid of getting angry at them for perpetuating my delusion...

3-I haven't told anyone because I do not want to hear "you are in sin, come back to god" speech and attitude. It sickens me. One "well meaning christian friend" encouraged me to STAY IN AN ABUSIVE MARRIAGE because "he was a christian!!!!"?? Because "he" was a "christian", then that means that I am supposed to be happy with his emotional and verbal and spiritual and financial abuse, lies, manipulation, control,  etc>>> and WANT IT to continue???...NO. He was only an ABUSER who USED CHRISTIANITY and my "faith" to abuse me through spiritual abuse. The same "friend" noticed on a blog that I write that there was "no mention of Jesus"...I told her that the blog is about a love story and Jesus is not in it...LOL...the truth. She then started to get the picture that I "might not be her sister in the faith"...

So, THIS is my secret. I haven't even told my 10 year old son. He doesn't want to go to church. He hasn't said anything to me about praying before meals, he hasn't asked me or "preached" as he used to...he understand that his father is an abuser who pretends to be a christian...maybe that was enough for him...it took me a lot longer to get wise.

Thanks for letting me share. I hope that this encourages you to confide HERE and feel supported in YOUR secret.
I have written on my blog: Livenotonevil.blogspot.com if you would like to read more of my journey OUT of christianity. Thanks.

Missalaineyeus Missalaineyeus
46-50, F
8 Responses Feb 16, 2012

Im Glad you felt you could get this off your chest here, it was interesting to read. I lost faith myself but i was never a strong part of a Christian community so i cant possibly image how hard it must be to keep this secret.. xXx

It's really NOT hard to keep it since I moved almost 200 miles away and have a "new community" and did not look for a church to join though there are several I "would have been" interested in attending...at one time. Not now. It was an adjustment and was helped out by my conscience; I could and would NOT fake it; moving away was the BEST thing that I could have done and it "just happened"... I haven't told my brother,sister, dad (mom passed) or niece/nephews because I have limited my contact with them, again, due to distance. It worked out rather well...a NEW and different life for sure. Peace to you!

Im glad you were able to make that move and as a reasult it is no longer hard to keep :) xXx

You have been hurt by the church...more specifically, by your spouse who abused you and then you didn't get the support from your so called christian friends. This is nothing new. Probably most people who turn their back on their faith (God, Jesus, Church, etc) is because they have been betrayed, hurt or abandoned. This is a very sad but common occurance. I heard a pastor say once that Christianity is the only institution that continues to hurt it's wounded. HOWEVER, turning your back on Christ verses his flawed followers is two different things. I pray and encourage you not to "throw the baby out with the bath water." This is a terrible thing that has happened to you and my heart goes out to you. But God STILL loves you. NO, he doesn't enjoy seeing you hurt, betrayed, and given stupid advice by some of his flaky followers (oh yes they are everywhere). I encourage you to seek Him out and challenge God to reveal his love to you in this dark time, rather than abandoning the faith. Remember, it's faith in God..not in Man. But I'm sure you know this. Just trying to encourage you. :-)

Thanks rip; that was very sweet; but it goes FAR beyond being hurt and betrayed "by man". I KNEW God, I KNEW Jesus...my faith has not "failed me" because I was hurt and I did "not turn my back on God" because of "man". I don't believe anymore. Thank you for trying to share compassionately; I would believe that God still loved me, if I COULD believe that HE truly existed. I wish you well.

It has been ten years since I have made the decision myself. I havent told anyone but my husband. I know a little of how you feel. Thank you for sharing. :)

you are welcome; my decision may be a secret to some but I reserve the right to "allow others to believe what they want" not only about their faith but about me as well. I really have become private about "my faith" now and have openly told strangers that I "used to be a christian", though it feels strange, it is wonderfully validating. My husband watched my deconversion and was the logical sounding board for my process...peace~*smile*~

I understand. Thanks

You and I have much in common. Being ex-christians is only one of them.<br />
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I don't know why you would want to keep anything a secret from your former associates or even from your son. There is a very important reason for this.<br />
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If you are keeping a secret, you are investing in fear. Fear is a stumbling block in a very literal sense. For an ex-christian, it takes GREAT courage to stand before the God that you believe(d) in and ask to be judged here and now. But WOW. The rewards. Within a day I had a life-altering experience that showed me my absolute and incorruptible perfection (and yours and everyone's).<br />
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When you see your inherent perfection, you will not try to hide yourself from others, and you will see that it is not your responsibility to protect others from their own insane beliefs. In fact, that is a very UNloving thing to do. It is far more loving to be a model for honesty and peace than dishonesty and fear. In this way, they can begin to recognize the pain that their delusion is bringing them. <br />
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Fear not.

"When you see your inherent perfection, you will not try to hide yourself from others, and you will see that it is not your responsibility to protect others from their own insane beliefs." You are right Gail...It is NOT my problem nor it is my responsibility to "hide myself" and the truth that I now know from the ones I love and who love me. I have not vocalized it to my son but we have talked about spiritual things and I am open to discussing more with him; when he asks me. Thanks!

You are VERY welcome... thank you for saying so. It sounds like you would really like my writing on my blog...livenotonevil.blogspot.com...I go into much more detail and do "more inner work" on how I now view "faith" and religion. It has been a thoughtful journey of discovery; this "deconversion" process that I have undergone in the past 7 months. I would hope that ALL PEOPLE would have the opportunity to logically think through their lives and beliefs with the support and encouragement (and lack of judgement from my christian friends and family even) as I have had...

I became an EX christian because I stopped believing in the nice story; many aspects and many experiences and none about anyone "hurting me so badly" helped me to see through the facade...I did not "take my ball and go home". I have known christians to act like this but I have thoughtfully considered all aspects of my life and my person and "faith in god" doesn't fit anymore. I have posted other stories that might explain that I am not the hurt or prodigal that christians would like to make me out to be. I have integrity and will not succumb to Pascal's Wager as I see many do. IF there is something, you are free to choose to believe in anything and anyone you like. That is how I am living my life.

I believe that love is NOT exclusive to any "faith"; matter of fact, it is seeming to more ELUSIVE in a "faith setting" than I had ever believed.<br />
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I don't believe that christianity has any "exclusive rights or claims" to goodness either; most christians may WANT to believe so but it is only due to their need to SEE THEMSELVES as good and I believe THAT is what it is all about to them; what a WASTE of time and valuable life energy to live in a delusion and "stick yourself in a box" only to make yourself conform...TO FEEL MORE SECURE or COMFORTABLE or LOVE??? It doesn't work that way. <br />
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As Shakespeare so wisely stated "To thine own self be true"...we need to OWN our secrets and be honest with ourselves...thanks for allowing me to share with you.

For some reason, the religion, Christianity, misleads people into believing that it has the ultimate monopoly of love and goodness. Not true by a longshot. Unfortunately, clergy has brainwashed Christians into (as you said) living in a delusion and putting themselves in a box to make themselves conform. As we all are not seeing, people are opening their eyes and re-examining what they believe in a book and what they are actually getting in real life.

If they examined Christianity to the fullest extent and *dared* to be honest with themselves, the religion itself is threatened. This is how and why they are taught to resort to threats, insults, "try to convince" and scare tactics to keep people locked in so they can continue to control and manipulate them.

There is the same LightLoveLife at the core seed of all religions and Spirituality Infinite and Divine. I say let people feel/be different, the conseqences of our own gift of free will actions, shall determine the pace by which we may grow upon our path to our Sacred, Loving Origins. Many call "Home". I want to Be Good Do Good Have Good. When things happen unexpectedly that are difficult, I know I am not alone and I grow stronger. Not always overnight, but my Faith or confidence(if you prefer), is intact. I Know my own "still small voice" and practice always to embrace it. You sound as if you have embraced your own. Real Love is a Force that does not die...but Heals.<br />
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Blessings of Love, True8