I've Never Told Anybody This Before

This is my first time ever admitting this. It's not that big or juicy of a secret. It's just something I wouldn't want people to know about because it's very personal, but overall, it's not really a shocker at all. I have worse. I guess I might as well write about it here. *Shrugs*

Anyway, so here's the secret: I'm typically very depressive, but there have been times when I have not necessarily "faked" but exaggerated my depression with someone and acted sadder than I really was just to see if I could get a hug out of that person...
I don't do this all the time, but I must plead guilty to doing this quite a couple of times before even if it's been a while since I last did it.
Yeah, it's not that mind-blowing, but you all can see why I wouldn't want everybody to know about that now.

Well, now that the secret is out, I guess I ought to explain myself. I have my own personal reasons for everything I do and as for whether if my reasons for having done that many times justifies this particular action of mine, I don't know. I'll let you guys be the judge of that.

I have written a few stories about this, but I don't get hugs all too often. For a very affectionate person such as myself to have to go a long time without any affection of any sort, I go nuts after a while. I get very reckless, cold, angry, self-destructive. Why? Because nobody seems to care anyway. That's the impression I get, at least. I feel like dirt, unwanted, uncared for, unloved and disgusting. Why else would no one bother?

So sometimes, even if I'm more blank and cold than I am depressed, I would act like I'm super down and depressed just to see if I can finally get that hug somehow. I used to do it more often in the past in spite of the fact that it seldom ever even worked but as I started getting bitched out and yelled at every time I did that, I stopped doing it as often. Here I am trying to get a hug somehow, someway and what do I wind up getting? A nasty bitching-out.
Thanks, I feel so much better now. That fixed me. That got my head together. You make me feel so good. Thanks a lot.

In the end, I had no choice but to shut up and take it. What could I say?
"Jeez, I was just trying to get a hug and if you don't want to give me one, fine, whatever, but at least don't yell at me on top of that!"
I can't say that...

So after a while I stopped doing it as often. I would still try in vain every once in a while though, just to see if I could get lucky this time or that time, but like I said, it rarely ever worked anyway, but heck, I did try.

This is where a lot of people would ask, "Deadmoon, if you want a hug that much, why don't you just straight out ask for one?"
Because I shouldn't have to. I shouldn't have to ask for a hug every single time I want one. I shouldn't have to beg people for one. It's not like I'm asking if I could borrow some money or some material possession. Hugs are not a want, they're a need. Of course I want a hug every one in a while at least. Don't people stop for a moment and think? Don't they ever get their heads of the gutter and consider that I'm not a piece of furniture, that they shouldn't have to be reminded that I'm human and want a little love every one in a while just like everybody else?

Am I that meaningless?
deadmoon deadmoon
22-25, F
3 Responses May 15, 2012

Just walk up to them and hug them first - silly billy. I do not know anyone that would turn down a hug. Don't be a duffer any more. You hug them first. Then everytime they see you they will hug you first. With loads of little hugs, you wont need to freak out over the mega hugging crisis.

Ok. So you have a hug issue. Totally get it. A hug make everything better right? It's cool, almost endearing, that you want something sweet like that. But here what's bug me. <br />
<br />
You toying with other people feeling. For a hug. You might think that it's not a crime, and it's not, but it's no good in my book. When you are down, people really care. They want to make it better. They feel bad that they get to be happy while you stuck in a crappy mood that you pretend to be. You lied, my friend. Do you feel good and satisfied each time you get a pity hug? <br />
<br />
Another thing, human can't read mind. Why do women(Yes,I'm a women) always assume that people should know what they want without saying it? What's give? You need a hug? Tell them so. Why would anyone resist you? In fact, if you ask me for a hug, I would be flattered. And trust me when I say I'll give you a warm cuddly hug without asking why. Maybe they'll ask you why. Just tell them "I need a hug." Because you do and that is so cute. Once they know that you are a hugger, it'll come easily. You won't have to ask because they'll know. You have to be the one who make the first move because that is YOUR craving. <br />
<br />
I'm not trying to offend you. I'm just saying it as it is.

I understand; and agree you shouldn't have to do that to get some affection from a friend.