I've Relapsed.

I know no one personally on this site, so I feel the freedom to type my mistakes freely, without the shame of disappointing someone who loves me.
As a lot of my friends, on here, know..I was an addict for 5 years, correction: I'll always be an addict whether I'm using or not.
I find that most people who do not use drugs or hard drugs rather, do not understand at all. They try, sometimes really hard, but they fail to get it. And that's good, great actually. I wish I was them..because if I was, I would proudly stand tall and say "I don't get it"!!! But unfortunately, I can never do that, because in the end, I know about it all too well.
I've been clean, sober, and hopelessly unhappy for the last almost 7 months and 3 days ago, I relapsed.
I've realized the significance of this relapse last night, the day before Christmas Eve, when my mom came up to me in our kitchen. She grabbed my hand and squeezed it really hard. She told me that she has already gotten her Christmas present this year. Of course, I asked her what she was talking about..even though I already knew. She said all she wanted was a healthy, sober, daughter. As my mom looks at me and says this..I was high.
I thought, as any mind impaired addict does, that I could use for a few days...just to "get through the holidays"..but that daydream slaps you across the face when you wake up in the morning in depths of acute withdrawal.
If I wake up Christmas morning with anything under my Christmas tree other than sobriety, I'll be greatly disappointed.
lindsloves lindsloves
22-25, F
5 Responses Dec 24, 2012

Just a note of encouragement. I don't know what to say, just wishing the best for you. I believe by what you have expressed here that you can overcome this. You need a trustworthy friend for help, strength, encouragement & accountability. You can't let your past sponsor's problem deter you. Keep pressing on.

i wish u best of luck hope u come over it .... just try to make your self busy ... it will help

Your story sounds like my son. He's struggling with heroin addiction, and he used on 22nd, 23rd...i picked him up high..tried as i usually do to keep him here under my watchful eye..but he finds excuses to leave all the time..i can also relate to your mom.
Sending you sooooo much strength

To me, a slip doesn't always mean relapse., You are well aware of what you have to do and You seem so intelligent.
Don't give up, but, it's ok to give out. I am praying for you as the struggle of it all is just too much. My favorite quote comes from Mother Teresa. "God won't give us more than we can handle, I just wish he didn't trust me so much!" You hang in there honey. Get ahold of me. My son would like to chat with you, as he is in recovery. But, doing things for the right reasons this time. I admire you so, and would love to connect with you more. There is no doubt that you can help ME. Hang in there and don't hesitate to contact me....look me up on Facebook....Missy Rodgers Jackson---Florence ky.

Hey Melissa..I've been meaning to write you back in a personal message. I'm currently working on it. Til then tell your son I would love to talk :) and I'll talk to YOU soon love.

Listen, dear heart,
There is no point in beating yourself up.I have addiction issues also, but I am a recovering person. Using is the natural state of a person with addiction.Thats why there are recovery programs. 12 step programs alter the natural progression of the disease.
I think that you didnt give yourself enough time to really start feeling good, as 7 months isnt that long.Your brain is still going through adjustments at that point.
I feel bad for you , but theres nothing anybody can do for you except offer comfort & advice.
I truly think you need to go to a 12 step program & identify as a newcomer.You will be warmly welcomed.Next, take it one single day at a time.Anybody can stay straight for just today.Next, keep going to meetings, get to know people.Next read the book, even if only a page a day...important!! within the book are the details of the program.And finally, get a sponsor.A sponsor can help you with the steps & is a person you can tell how you feel with regards to your sobriety & with life in general.If you are willing to do these few simple things YOU NEVER HAVE TO USE AGAIN!....EVER!!
Its awful to have to keep secrets, & that will pull you down further.
I hope this helps you & please know that I care about everyone who suffers addiction. But there is help for those who realize they NEED it! God bless & make the best of the holidays.
I hope you see sobriety soon...You CAN start the ptocess right now!
God bless,

Hey Hun.
Thanks for your kind words. I read this on Christmas Eve and it made me feel better :) I have been in a 12 step program before..I respect them for all the help they've given to people but I personally don't like them. I like na meetings, they feel more grounded and more real to me. Also, I've had a sponsor in the past and it was great in the beginning. But one day I was having a bad day and I called her cell, and I got a strange recording, so I called the inpatient detox/rehab place where we met and they told me she "resigned". I assumed she relapsed and a month later my assumptions were confirmed. That was so discouraging for me, because I felt like if she can't stay sober after 15 years, then I'll never make it. I've lived life being sober but I always hit this brick wall. I start thinking about how this disease will always be in my brain and it's terrifying and I get this dreadful vision of me at 70 years old still wanting drugs you know? I'm just currently trying to find some sort of coping mechanism for being sober and I haven't found one yet.