I have been holding this in for about 6 months now. Of course friends and family know, but I always feel restricted on what I can tell them. So, here it is.
I was raped in college by a guy who lived right across the hall.
Now, when most hear the word 'rape', they automatically associate it with violence, or struggle. My rape was different.
I put myself in the situation, by thinking I was safe enough to drink alcohol around some good friends. Well, joke was on me.
I have struggled with actually calling this 'incident' rape. In fact, for months it has only been referred to as the 'incident'. But as time goes by, and memories resurface, I see it for how it really was.

The emotional strings that are attached have damaged me. Any time I get near any guy, I feel repulsed. If a guy even puts his hand on his shoulder, I get very, very upset. I can't stop having flashbacks of this 'incident'.
I worry that I will never be able to love another human being again. I worry that I will never be able to kiss, or cuddle, or even hand hold.
Please, anyone who has had a similar experience. Is this normal?
rachh4321 rachh4321
22-25, F
2 Responses Aug 23, 2014

I'm sorry this happened to you. It was NOT your fault! You didn't put yourself in any situation, somebody took advantage of the trust you placed in them and victimized you. There is nothing you did that prompted that kind of violence. If you're able to, report this to a counselor on campus. Trust is a hard thing to rebuild, there's no pressure for you to do anything right now to make that happen. Give yourself leeway to feel however you feel, and try not to fear your future self as you don't know them yet.

I had something like this happen to me and for awhile I blamed myself

Do you get weird around guys too?

Yeah

I just can't find anybody who knows how it feels.