I Still Hold A Candle For My First Real Love.

I still can't shake her.  It is weird.  I know there will never be another opportunity, that ship set sale way too long ago.  It is actually probably unhealthy that I still feel this way.  But we can't always help the way we feel.  Often it is, simply, what it is.

I don't think about her daily or anything like that... but whenever I think of that more "long haul," I always think of her.  I don't like to talk about it because I feel stupid more than anything else.  Who really holds on to such sentiment for someone that they had a relationship with when I wasn't more 15 some-odd years old.

Then again, it is what it is.  And I guess, if this is what I am stuck with in terms of feeling, I still wouldn't trade it for what it was (back then).

jtfwall jtfwall
37 Responses Feb 8, 2010

In some strange way (maybe I am equally foolish) I believe that what you have done is one of the most beautiful things mankind can ever accomplish. Ever lasting love; sadly it is often one sided or hampered by circumstance. If you got the means or the guts or the means to inspire me to have the guts please do. My self destruction over past love is unhealthy and I am clearly aware of it yet I lack the resolve to change it. I do not know if fear or complacency or pain weigh me down but I know whichever it is; it drowns me.

I still hold a candle towards my first love. It was a life changing experience that let me know that love could happen to me. All the confusing and hopeful thoughts in my life came into focus while I dealt with the excitement of turmoil of being in love. It didn’t quite work out, but it was transcendent and something I’ll never forget.

I can sympathise with you! I met my first love at 17. He was 21. We only had 3 short months together officially although we knew each other before as he was my brothers friend. My brother was very ill and in the end my boyfriend broke it off as he said he couldn't stand not being open and honest about us being together ( he was very sensitive and moral )but feared telling my brother in his fragile state would tip him over the edge! My first broken heart! I was devastated....... Over the years I saw him a few times through mutual friends and the chemistry was still there although nothing ever happened, he would always make a b-line for me at gatherings which didnt go unoticed by our friends but we weren't generally in contact. He was in relationships or I was all the times we had bumped into each other.<br />
On my 25th birthday drinks, he randomly arrived with a mutual friend I had invited and it was so surreal to see him. He was by my side all night as we spoke for hours catching up on the years we had missed along the way... I am now 26 and he is 29 and apparently we are both single.... A few weeks ago I added some songs I wrote online. He messaged me mentioned he had listened and was impressed. I was embarrassed and surprised but now the messaging has now continued more intensely nothing sexual just asking about my life and relationships and generally deep and meaningful conversations. He has told me why all his other relationships haven't worked etc an said they all had something missing... Its 9 years later and that flame for me never fully went out. i have had relationships one serious long term one since then. all this time I always assumed he used my brother as an excuse to leave me to cover the fact he just didn't want me anymore. It never occurred to me that just MAYBE that was really the reason he left....and if so it may have been as hard for him as it was for me back then!.....Either way talking to him now makes me feel like the little girl who fell for him before. It feels dangerous and I don't want to think about it...., who knows what his motives for contacting me are now or his intentions. I assume ( once again haha) that it may be through boredom or a empty patch in his life but he is not the type of person to mess people around at all. He has never been the type of guy to have one night stands etc as he is quite in touch with his spiritual side. Until now he has never really contacted me so much or pushed for us to be close friends. Having said that he probably doesnt realise i have always held that flame for him which is still flickering! So who knows. Sometimes u think...I wish things wouldn't come into our lives that make us hopeful.. If there I no hope. only the future can tell what what happen next. Either way, he will always be the one that got away!

Please, just let him know about your flame, he has the same for you. go out on a date, don't waste time.

I am sorry for the loss of your brother I wouldn't know how else to start.

That moment or moments of contact and interest are what I dream about. Please risk something and let him know! He might feel the same way! I recall a moment where I refused to risk anything and it haunts me as the moment where I could have turned my fate around! Please do; it doesn't have to be a love confession a gesture a line will do let him know how you feel! If you don't you are throwing it all away so might as well do it in brilliant gesture at least then it is beautiful if you throw it all away for nothing it is just another sad story.

same in here , she traveled to the US 5 years ago and i couldn't forget her, i guess i spend this time just to make sure that there is no one can replace her ..she came back home and we met again .., i told her how much i suffered and that i kept her deep in the heart but i was shocked when she treated me just as some one from the past the worst thing that i know i will loss every thing if i lost her for ever.

I married a woman that I would do anything for, except allow her spoiled rotten daughter disrespect me. I kind of think the daughter was miserable and couldn't stand seeing her mother being happy for the first time... So she sabotaged her mothers marriage and her own financial well being by driving me off. When I saw that the mother was totally incapable of correcting her daughter "Saacha" I knew I had to run. I can't believe a woman would allow her adult daughter to ruin her life. My friends said to wait because Saacha will get married and leave. I said this girl brings nothing to the table - trailer trash at best - and it would be a short time before the guy threw her out and back home she would come.

Maybe some kids are hopeless or lost beyond finding. I in no way intend to intrude on your experience but I have been presented with the same opinion in the past in fact merely one part of me is missing. Who knows maybe you can better three lives yours, Saacha's and her daughters. I in no way intend this as advice since I do not know the situation but I have known several uncontrollable, "unbearble", "out of control girls" in my life; they were usually my age bracket, with kindness, forgiving and openness they usually turned out to be truly interesting inside (although some were rotten to the core).

Omg I totally understand what ur saying. I'm a 26 yr old female & back in high school when I was 16 I fell in love with this guy & we dated for a few short months but broke up & never spoke to each other again. Fast_forward 10 yrs later I still think of him a lot even i'm in a relationship & have a child. I wonddr if there's something wrong with me. Lol. I wonder if he ever thinks of me. I've even talked myself of trying to get in contact with him which will be hard since I have no idea where he is or even how I could reach him.<br />
I don't even like to mention those feelings with my high school best friend cz i'm just embarrassed to say the least so I totally get what ur going thru.

It has been 25 years for me. We were in touch about five years ago and the feelings were still there. But we are both married. I would've changed my life for him but he would not. So i just let it go. I still cry sometimes.

I am sorry to hear that </3 The only consolation I can offer is that if my first love offered me the same I would drop everything or go into cardiac arrest.

I found this site because I have had this flashback to my first lover who seems to be an obsession right now and I am trying to see if this is at all normal. I am Jewish and he was not, and 44 years ago, I just could not do this to my mother. We were very much in love, but we were both graduate students and living in that bubble. I took a job away from him, and found someone else. 1967-68 was a year crammed with many political goings on--LBJ announcing he would not run again, the assassinations of MLK and Bobby Kennedy and the 1968 convention. I started to read Robert Caro's new volume on LBJ and I had these visceral memories of our relationship. I saw him a couple of times after I got married with my husband. He told my husband that he could not beat my mother. I got in contact with him in June through Linkedin and he married for the second time a couple of years ago and I have been married for 43 years. I found a "nice Jewish boy" like he thought I should. We have a very good marriage and have just moved to Austin, Texas and are enjoying our life here. However, I have this feeling of sadness of missing this man who I really do not know any more. He said that he was very happy to hear from me. We had a few email exchanges, but then he no longer responded. I did say a couple of personal things that he did not respond to. I would like to stay in touch with him, but he may not want to. I just want a touch of his life. Will I get over this?

I'd leave it. You can't recapture the past. Remembering should be enough. Nothing will ever change that piece of your heart where he lives.

Dear Paxham
Thank you for your very wise reply. Yes, he will always have a piece of my heart and live there forever. I did send him a letter from the young me to the young him apologizing for actions that I took that ended our relationship. He sent me a very nice response and told me to please not beat myself up about regret and remorse about would have been and that he was an uncertain young man and not very sophisticated or insightful about relationships. He said that he had a fond memory of being with me but moved on many years ago as did I. He said that he was having doubts about getting his phd when he was with me and never told me and that he came from a very emotionally repressed family. (His roommate told me this but I never saw it.) We had a few friendly email exchanges, but I have not heard from him since early December and have not contacted him. I am still in therapy and it is unbelievable to me that I can't seem to shake this completely. I think that I am feeling guilt about this 44 years later. It was complicated and I never thought about how he felt when I left him until now. Very odd. But thanks again.

I've had 4 great loves of my life and I am married to one of them. However I never stopped loving the other 3 and it is difficult forever. What makes it worse is the person I am married to doesn't think the romantic part is as important as it was before. Ugh.

HAHA just noticed that this is from 2 years ago. Why is it the second story to show up?

Because the comments are stories of their own

i know how you feel. its the same with me. but i wont be seeing him till i die. cause he is up in heven. he died when he was 15 turning 16

My heart breaks a little for you! Please take the pieces to patch up your own. I do not intend to be condescending this is just an honest reaction.

I think I'm one of those who did not experience first love when young. My first serious relationship when I was 21 was very complicated. Then I waited 15 years to be in a relationship again. My expectations were high and he gave 10% of it so it ended. I met someone after 2 yrs and I thought I had finally found the purest love I can give but he was the wrong person. I will, however, consider him as my first real love and will remember him always. The feelings I had and still have for him are so different. It still makes me sad that it ended 2 months ago. But I am moving on and hopefully someday I will just remember him but not the feelings anymore.

Let it go. Just let it go and think positively about her. Let her be free from you, and let yourself be freed. You could pray for her. It helps so much.

Memories, like all other things, get warped with time. The memory of her is probably what you love the most and, if given the chance to rekindle, it's doubtful that the relationship would live up to your now inflated vision. With that said, I firmly believe that it's important for us all to have someone that we 'moon over' as it can provide a sort of weird comfort when life, as it is want to do, gets sticky and uncomfortable.

hey i love the move on guy or girl guess if you dont have a sole then love dont bother you so maney people are programed that way today the hit it an quit it genaration well you suck hope you git something an die

dude we on same boat :)

My wife just very recently committed infidelity with her first love after 15 years of not seeing and communicating...she'll probably end up with him as she says it feels right and now she is so emotionally attached..we're doomed....so I do believe in what you are feeling as well. We'll always feel for the first love.

Dear Ropo: I meant what I said --- and my mom was so right.
In your case, I feel regret for you. It is my hope that your next relationship will work out for you.
Life can be so cruel in so many ways, can't it? But we have to learn to "get over" things and move on.
I wish the best of luck to you.
Regards: JIM

It's the poor sods in the relationship that don't realize that they were never or never will be the "one" that I feel sorry for.. Where somebody has "settled" for them in marriage and wondering what happened when 2 to 30 years down the track that they are left for the "one". Moral of the story is if you don't love them, don't marry them.

My mother once told me: "Your first love in this life will be your last". Her words haunt me, to this day.<br />
No matter how many relationships I've had --- I'll never forget my first love (teen-age).<br />
On my dying day, I'll remember his face --- and the wonderful moments we shared. Homosexual? No. Just my best friend and companion to help me in this world.<br />
As far as "your thinking about her daily" --- I experiece the same. I miss, more than words can say, my friend and companion.<br />
Best regards: JIM

My mother once told me, many years ago that: "Your first love in life, will be your last". That haunts me to this day --- and she was right.<br />
No matter how many relationships I've had --- I'll never forget my first love in this life. On my dying day, it is his beautiful face that I see --- and the memories we shared ---- those moments will be the last that I see before I leave this planet. Homosexual? No. Friendship and companionship? Yes.<br />
Can't hope for any better than that.<br />

you are more than likely still in love with the wonderful memories you both had at the time, expecially when you were a teen. youngers years are some of the best we may have in our life. because when we get older there are responsabilities & not as much free fun. so you may dwell on the past. have your mind & heart at ease by slowly letting go...i had to to move on with my life..

let me say this to start with it is not wierd and you should not feel stupid that your first love is still on your mind. the love of my life i married when we were 16 we divorced when i was 18 my fault on that. it has been 20 years now since i had seen or heard from him but i never stoped loving him. 7 weeks ago the love of my life called me out of the blue to tell me he never got over me and that he wanted me back i told him i was married but i follwed my heart and we have been together for 5 weeks now so never think that the time has been lost to ever tell that person how you feel. if you still love her and want her back go find her and tell her how you feel. she may still be holding on to that love for you. and wants you back as well.

I reunited in 2008 with someone I dated in the 60's we married in 2011. But he passed away 4 yrs ago . He was the love of my life, we were only married for 10 mo

we see love as something as grandiose of something that isn't simply what it really is.<br />
first love is much worse.<br />
<br />
I do understand how you feel, honestly there are still pieces of that left within me, but if i try to take it logically its just that we ponder to much "what could have happened" or soulmates stuff<br />
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the first ones naturally are special to us and we always have a special place for them in our hearts but that doesn't mean that we're fated to be with them, <br />
<br />
Reality often gives us a kick on the as-s doesn't it

I loved my first love so much it hurt, at the time i remember thinking its not normal to feel this strongly. He was a pla<x>yer and obviously didnt feel the same . The relationship ended and i met my husband but i have never felt the same way as i did with my first. I was 16 and i am now 37 , my ex and i had contact last year through face book and it was amazing. I almost left my husband. We didnt meet ..just talked and talked and talked. I couldnt leave my husband but i ache for contact with my ex. I focus on all the lovely things about my life now and try hard to stay calm. xxx

Me too. I wish I told her how I felt, and wouldn't have let her go.<br />
I still love her (the memory of her) and miss her terribly. :(<br />
I love you Sara baby, (k) !!!<br />
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Love,<br />

have the same feelings; and how liberating it is to see that I am not alone! (Although I mostly hear this from women; how refreshing to hear a man talk about this subject for a change!)<br />
<br />
I would like to offer this:<br />
<br />
While there is no doubt that I have never gotten over the man that I love(d) [and probably the feeling was not reciprocated], I have observed that when the heart is open, it nonetheless does continue to love. Perhaps not with the same intensity or passion. But there is a love that grows very very deep. It amounts to a huge lake of compassion, honor and respect - for others. This is a kind of time-tested, time-proven love which I am certain would have been challenging through the overwhelming passionate love that I felt with this other man.<br />
<br />
This may come across as an intellectualization or rationalization. It isn't. The love I feel, fill my being, when I am with my husband - which in no way is as exciting or passionate or intense as with this other person, is so very deep that the other simply cannot compare.<br />
<br />
I believe the capacity of love, and for each of us to love, is endless. No two people are the same; so therefore our love feelings will not be identical for different people, either.<br />
<br />
Nonetheless, things do not have to be identical to be equally valuable as experiences.<br />
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I submit that it is where WE decided to place value determines our availability to experience love in the here and now regardless of past loves. If I cannot value another human being the same as I valued the first love, then it is true that I cannot love again. But if I can be fully in the here and now to the best of my ability, I allow the qualities of others to speak to me clearly - and then, free from the past, I am able to maximally absorb all the goodness that a new relationship may offer. <br />
<br />
I have only seen that the experience of loving improves with time. In other words, I may no longer have that passion in my life, and yes, there are times that I truly crave it - but when I had the passion, I did not have the deep abiding peace I have now. But we are all growing all the time. And so I believe that it is wise to continue to remain open to possibility. Because only too rarely are the lessons of love taught to us fully by one person. <br />
<br />
May we all have joy in love, because ultimately, that is the whole point, is it not? Enjoying it all: with and without the other. After all, I may love as many people as I love, but at the end of the day, it is me I live with - so I must choose the perspective that brings me the greatest peace and the greatest joy. That is all I can truly ever do, regardless of who it is I may love.

I never got over my first real love. The whole thing hurt so bad that I wound up shutting off the deepest, most vulnerable part of myself to anyone else, trying to forget that I was capable of such deep love, and settling for pretty good love over the years. Something happened to me last year that unearthed that capacity for intense love again, though, and now I'm going through a breakup because I recognize that I can never deeply love the person I'm with like I did with that first love. I don't know if my first love can ever be with me, but I'm convinced that no one can love me like he did. Better to be alone rather than be constantly reminded that you're settling for a life of niggling unhappiness and discontent. God, I'm such a dreamer -- I may either spend my life alone or will achieve the ultimate union.

. There is always that special someone that holds a secret space in our hearts forever. So do not feel bad or guilty for the candle you hold for her. I myself still think from time to time of a woman, who I thought was "the woman", and her ship sailed away in 1994. So too Amanda J wherever you are, I do still think about you.

I understand completely. I still hold a candle for a guy I dated for a short time 15 years ago. I am married to a man I don't really love and have never loved in that all encompasing way. I feel like I really screwed up when I let our relationship go. He is the only person I have ever been truly in love with. I don't know what the answer is - it's just nice to know that others out there are struggling with the same regrets/feelings. I wish him the best in his life as he is married with a new baby. I wish I knew how to kill this feeling - it has tortured me for so long. Any suggestions?

ITS Very hard to be in love deeply mostly when you can't get the the person you love but the simplest way is to control ourselve. Dont close the door for new begenning.

My ex-wife still can push my buttons. We have been apart for 6+ years now. I am considering a move of 100 miles or more to get away and to move on.<br />
<br />
I have always cherished ALL of the GOOD TIMES, but I also can remember the BAD times. WE ARE THE SUM OF OUR EXPERIENCES, I guess that means that we do things today, baised on our past experiences.<br />
<br />
Dr. Phil and other experts say that there are at least 6 people out there that we can have a lifelong commited relationship with. I have been in Lust/Love 4 times in my 54 years. I am still hopeful that I will still find someone......and finally be completely over my ex! Being alone sucks, and that is when we think of relationships past....when we are alone.<br />
<br />
Try this exercise....it really helps me! When you start having those thoughts, say outloud "CANCEL,CANCEL" and then replace that thought with something completely different!<br />
<br />
Hang in there with me!

Don't listen to Dr. Phil.

Everyone holds a special place for their first love... It's natural because they are where it all began and the first memories are the most pure, when you have new experiences with new partners they can seem less so, but finding the love of a woman and making it blossom is something special and searching for that in somebody new is a great challenge. Be posotive about the future.

moving on is easier said then done. I have been in love with the same man since i was probably 13 or 14 we have never been in a relationship he lives really far away now and i have been trying to move on for years and years. I thought i had with my last relationship it lasted 5 years and i thought it was going to be a forever kinda deal but things got complicated and unhealthy so i ended it. In that relationship i stopped talking to the guy i have been in love with for almost ten years now hoping i could just get over my feelings for him and move on, it didn't happen. We recently started talking again and though we had not spoken for a few years the feelings seem almost stronger now then they were before. I don't think i could even love anyone as completely and unconditionally as this man i don't think there is anyone that could even hold a torch to it and though we are divided by a continent and i have tried many things for many years to snuff out the flame my heart burns for him it is to strong and to hot to kill. <br />
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On a side note sometimes what you long for in that person is what the relationship was or symbolizes. when we are young the relationship is simple there are not as many pressures on us as there are when we are adults finances and such future planning children ect. look in yourself and see ifs its really the person you want or what you had with them also you may be longing for an image that is not reality some times it helps to get in touch with your old flame to realize its not them you want but an image you had in your head.

It's over. Move on.

I met my first love after nearly 28 years and i still feel the same, but he is taken ,, he knows how i feel , ,and there is a part of me that stll hopes that we can be together but i know that will never happen, it is something i have to deal with, have been married, happily for a while, but no one has ever matched him, xx

I understand. When I was 17 I had a bf. He was not the best boyfriend in the world but I loved him. To this day I wonder if we ended up with the wrong people.

I know how you feel. I remember my first "true love". Not just his first and last name, but also his middle. We were from the opposite sides of the tracks, so to speak, but we grew very, very close. I walked away from my family for him. He walked away from me to force me back to my family. I will never forget his words, "I don't want to bring you down with me." Although it hurt like hell then....I know now it was a life lesson in unselfish love. I think about Jack from time to time and probably will....forever.

A lot of people would never admit it, that you truly love only once in a lifetime. Getting married to someone just to be OK, it is doomed for a failure.uu st being Ok it's not enough, NEVER. Trust me. You will never have these kind of feelings never again. If you love someone and you truly love them. nothing will stop you, Nothing in this world,

I respectfully disagree. I have been mad crazy in love and thought that there would be no way I could ever feel that strongly about another person again, and luckily I have. I say it's okay to love someone for as long as it lasts, but never close yourself off to the possibility that another love may appear.

I have been married to my husband for over 10 years. After 5, we divorced for a year and then remarried. We are about to go through our second divorce. The torch he has held for his first love has been a tremendous thorn in our marriage, as well as, his heart. I think he should go back and try to rekindle something with her. He says its the feeling he had with her that he wants, not necessarily her. I don't really have much of a comment, but I know that many people have these intense feelings for a past love.