Not Going Through, Getting Out. Why Do Friends Want Me To Suffer And Live?

I've been sick for over a year.  It's not something you can see.  It's pain.  Debilitating, all consuming, alienating, life destroying pain.  Nothing is what it used to be.  Everything I do is tempered by "how much will this hurt?  Is it worth it?"   People don't really understand.  Maybe if I had someone who loved me but friends, they get tired of someone who's too tired to socialize, family downplays it.  They don't wanna know.  I used to be funny and happy and successful.  My life wasn't much but I was sure that I'd make it some thing soon.  Pain took the hope away.  I'm going to kill myself in six weeks.  I picked a date because I wanted to try and be healed first, because I didn't want to do it one of the many days that I cry for hours on end, because I wanted an end date.  I wanted to imagine a bucket list or maybe because I wanted to wrap things up.  I don't know.  But I'm going to die soon.  It will be a small scandal for a small town, my dead body in a park.  I should care, but I can't seem to force myself to.  I don't feel weird or ashamed.  I don't know about eternal regret.  All I know is that I want it to end quickly and without a mistake on that day.  I will make sure that no one can wake me after I go quietly into that dark night.

simonebolivar simonebolivar
36-40, F
12 Responses Feb 21, 2010

hmmm, well if I were paralyzed with no pain, it would be better than what I've got now, but I still wouldn't be able to run my business, so that's a tough question, but, if I had my brain back without all the meds, it might be easier to accept that my life would never be the same. I look normal, but I'm not. Sometimes, I fool myself and think I can have my old life back, but I don't think I'd stay if I were paralyzed. I'd lose all my independence and my house and have to live somewhere with aides and antiseptics and not be able to work. I don't think I have the grace and will required to live an inspirational life in a chair. I have several paralyzed friends. I admire them and feel guilty that I want to go when they don't, but we have different circumstances.

braxton - I can not even IMAGINE. I am so sorry for what you are going through and fear anything else I say will sound hollow. I have no point of reference, nothing to say that could possibly ease what you are going through except to say that you are very kind and loving and i hope that soon you will find yourself praying again and you continue to heal as best you can.<br />
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mamalou - you're right. i know you've lived it. i don't wanna be dead. i just feel dead. pain has taken away everything i loved in life (because i don't have children and i don't have a partner who loves me and right now, there's a long list of don't haves), but you REALLY hit the nail on the head when you said i want people to stop rolling their eyes and not understanding that i'm sick again. in my case, friends, not family. i don't really have any family to speak of, but that was okay, until i got sick. it's hard to find any reason at all to fight the pain, i'm on a lot of meds, pain management guy hasn't hit on the right combo yet, who knows if he ever will. i'm glad though that you fought it and from the sound of your message, fought it successfully. it's always so great to hear that. but you're right, i don't know that i absolutely want to be dead, but in most ways, i already am. and even though i'm old, i'm still too young to feel this bad. but pain is isolating. and i'm isolating and the whole thing is really too much to tolerate any more. i am seeking a pain psychologist, but other than that, i;ve found little solice in a group (found more here than in real life) or medication. thank you though. I know I'm the black rain cloud without a silver lining at the moment, but i really appreciate the kindness.

I have dealt with severe chronic pain for 40 years. Got hit by a drunk driver and suffered spinal cord damage in 1970. I know how you feel and think. But one thing I also know is if you wanted to be dead you would be. You don't want to die you want the pain to stop hurting all the time! You want to have fun again. You want some friends who will stay at home with you and watch a movie or something. You want your family to stop rolling their eyes when you tell them you aren't feeling well again. You are lonely, frustrated and feel hopeless. You need a pain management doctor who can get you on the proper medication, as well a psychologist who teaches behavior modification for pain management and a good support group made up of people who deal with chronic pain. You can find them on the net. <br />
Now it is time to say "I'm going to start living again." Have a get together at your house for 3 or 4 of your friends. Or just 1 would be fine. Don't plan a huge party! Get a movie, pop some popcorn and have someone bring pop or beer or whatever. Enjoy yourself. <br />
Now, after that, get online and look for the right support group. Migraine Headache Pain, or Chronic Pain or Spinal Cord Injury Support or whatever you can come up with.<br />
Then, look up Pain Management MDs in your area. as well as the psychologist. It's all available to you, just reach out make an appointment to live.

be happy sweetie!!!x

"wish I could be one of those people who gets up on a podium and inspires the audience to fight because there's something better around the corner, but I lost faith in "around the corner" somewhere along the way. Maybe by posting here, I was hoping to get it back. Instead, I feel as though I've imposed on a lot of wonderful strangers who have their own difficult stories to tell."<br />
You just were at the podium and received applause for the inspiration. We fear honesty. I have looked a person in the eyes when she told me she no longer wanted to live. She did not want pity, or a way out. She needed someone to simply validate her as a human being. Simone, there is no "around the corner" there is just now, and we all come here voluntarily, so you have not imposed on us. You've inspired me, humbled me, made me wonder about how honest I would be to post the projected date of my suicide, knowing that a bunch of people would want to talk me out of it. You have faith, faith that you can make free-will decisions; You have courage, tons of it. And as you have said your enthusiasm wains under the weight of the pain.<br />
You are loved.

This site is not about us telling our own difficulties. It is about sharing our pain and hurt and strength and hope and success and failure and love and anger. We are all going through our lives as best as we know how. Some days are better than others. We feed of each others successes and help each other through our troubles. It is no problem and no imposition. It is simply what we are here for. We love you regardless of who you are or what your problems are. We do not pass judgment. We love unconditionally. This is the perfect place to unburden yourself of your sorrow because you don't know us and we don't know you. You can share without fear of upsetting those around you. So smile. We are here to help and you are not a bother.

You have all been very kind to me. I felt greedy as I read your comments. I wrote a follow up about what has gone on. I sound like a baby I know. But, I do suffer bad migraines and broke my back in two places a few years back. One thing I've always had was my ability to tolerate physical pain.<br />
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I appreciate your prayers, kind words and soft hugs, haven't been religious for some time but did find myself saying not too long ago that I felt forsaken. I've jumped over a lot of hurdles in life, forgiven people who've been cruel, helped when I can but as RavenDelcor eluded to, I'm exhausted. I will read your words and thoughts again and respond individually as I can. I get tired easily. It's not Cancer but as I've discussed with other people, pain is a cancer. It eats your energy and your will. Sometimes I think I'm being punished because I believed all those undercover videos of people on disability payments lugging big screen tv's into their homes but now I think I was just dealt another unlucky card and after all the bad hands I've played, I've lost the fight. The **** and vinagar is gone. I have trouble facing the tough sides of life that everyone else faces every day. I wish I could be one of those people who gets up on a podium and inspires the audience to fight because there's something better around the corner, but I lost faith in "around the corner" somewhere along the way. Maybe by posting here, I was hoping to get it back. Instead, I feel as though I've imposed on a lot of wonderful strangers who have their own difficult stories to tell.

what is one thing that would make you absolutely happy?

One of my friends put out a plea for someone to come here and read your story. It is well wrtiien and well thought out. It gives me cause to remember my friend who was consumed by pain. She's in the hospital now. 6 hours away from me. This time last year, she had taken a lethal dose of her meds. She's tried many times, and each time has come out with a resolve to live. Since she has survived her suicide, she has buried her brother and his wife, they passed away three weeks a part. In between the two deaths, my friend almost died. She lives. She has rheumatoid arthritis and at least three migraines a week sometimes. She and her partner live way out of town, it takes thirty minutes for an amulance to make out her way.<br />
I know that I cannot feel your pain. I cannot understand you appointment with death. I beleive you. I have always appreciated my friend and her honesty as well. The time she OD'ed last spring, she left a good bye message on my answering machine.<br />
I almost died myself, just hearing that she was out in a wooded area on a logging road where no one could find her. She called for help after she called me. If I had answered my phone, she may have died talking with me. Life chooses life at times. We choose life most of the time.<br />
You want to give yourself time. I like that. You need the time. I will pray for you, I will ask that every positive thing that can happen to you will be there for you. I have prayed for my friend's pain to go away, and away, and away, and I will not stop. Prayer is energy girl, and you need energy. <br />
God will welcome you, and has heard you, and will sustain you through your pain. The power that is in the universe is there for all of us to touch and pull creative power from.<br />
I ask all who read this to put prayers out there for everyone in pain. EVERYONE, look, the power of the universe, the power in the universe is infinite, how could we wear it out by praying for all that is good and holy to come upon this woman and give her the blessings that she has not even imagined. And if that cannot happen, then we pray for something much better than we can imagine to pray for!<br />
Be at peace my sister, be at peace.

no dont do that dont ever think of doing dat thats insane i only read few lines of ur story i cudnt go any furtur..everyone has blue days....but i tel u every cloud has a silver lining....i tel u ..keep faith ...i knoe exacly how u feel i feel this way....but plz dont dont do wat u said u wud..i tel u smhing...from my own expersince...if u let ppl know dfat u are weak n u need their help ppl...think its a good idea to make fun of u or to make life even worse...for u stronger u appear the beter it ids even if ur heart u re de weakest....i tel u ...dont ..expect anything worth a penny from any one..its ur expectation dat hurts u ...focus on urself widout being me u can do this.....others dont respect u ..but wat u re doing?? u are thinking about ...killing urself...plz...just try to be strong...try to b indifernt....n dont expect any sympathy any lov from ur frend....n i tel u ...u cud always count on GOD....he is there....n he loves u trust me he des..smtimes...we overlook him but he never..hes always dere for us..its us..who think we dont need him....u call out to him...n he wil anser u ..he always does.n he wil never ever leave u or disappoint u ..go back to him...

Simonebolivar, I am truly sorry for what you are going through. I don't have physical pain, but I do have a few health issues. No one else can tell you whether life is worth living for you or not. But I agree with NoWhereToGoButUp, if you do this, your pain may end, but the pain for those who care about you would only just begin and it would be very difficult for them to overcome. Maybe if you talk to more doctors, there has got to be places that can help you manage your pain. I am not sure where you live, but maybe with a few internet searches you could find some help with your pain. Please know that I care about what happens to you. {{Hugs}} Thank You NoWhereToGoButUp.

I didn't know what to think when I read this. I still don't. I don't know you, but I love you. No one can tell you how to think and feel when it comes to things like this. I only ask that you really think about what you are saying. There has to be a better way than this. Some form of solution besides this. You will leave your pain behind, but the pain you will leave to those who care about you will not fade so easily. There are ways to manage pain. If they don't take you seriously, then go somewhere else. Talk to someone else. You have taken the first step to finding other people to talk to about your problems. Write more in other groups. Explain what it is that you are going through. Maybe someone here on EP has been through what you are going through and knows of a solution you haven't thought of yet. Don't give up. So many people will miss you if you go.