I'm Finding That...

as I get older, I'm getting more cynical.  As a result of that I'm also devolping more secrets. That aside, the cynisiam is making me get more apathetic towards people, especially the people I'm closest to. Maybe it's because most of the s**t of been through has been caused by people close to me, maybe I've just always been somewhat jaded, and it's just now starting to show through. I don't know, and if I'm competely honest, I don't think I really care. I will admit that it's not everyone, thankfully, just most of them.

I know that it's horrible, and I know I should feel bad. I just...can't. I don't know why, it feels like that part of me is dead. It's felt that way since I mis-carried last year, so I suspect that that whole situation didn't help. In fact I wouldn't be surprised if the fact I went through that alone, and that a couple of them found it funny was the straw that broke the camel's back.

Either way, it doesn't really matter now does it? I'm not sure what to do about it, or if I even care enough to do anything about.

Treval Treval
22-25, F
3 Responses Feb 22, 2010

Like, you don't need to think about what you have or haven't told them. It's probably not their business anyway.<br />
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Instead, think about the secret itself. Are you happy with it? It is something good? Or is it a bad thing?<br />
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If you are not happy, what can you do to correct this situation?<br />
Think about what you've done, not what other people would think about what you've done.<br />
It's your life.

Honestly, stop thinking about those that are closest to you. <br />
Stop spending your time being mad and hurt by them.<br />
Focus on your own life.

Wow! That's quite a strong story. As I look back on my life so far, I have to admit that the people I've been closest to have also been the ones who have hurt me the most, too. And it probably happened because they knew me so well and one time or another things just got out of hand and someone got hurt. I know I'm sounding preachy, and I don't mean to. It's just, I remember a saying, that went something along the lines of being open and honest and trusting others requires the risk of being vulnerabe and of being let down by those same people.<br />
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It isn't an easy balance to maintain -- to accept the risk that's required sometimes to achieve happiness and joy. I've been burned a lot, and sometimes it still really hurts. I've also learned coping mechanisms, how to let criticism and sarcastic comments just slide off my back, to not over-react or brood for too long. I've developed somewhat of a thick skin, too -- though it's far from being a shield of steel. <br />
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It's not quite as simple as "sticks and stones may break my bones, yet words can never hurt me," since sometimes it's words that hurt the most. I think everyone faces the situation you speak about to some degree. We all get jaded over it sometimes. And we all learn how to get over it and to carry on. I hope that all helps a little with how you're feeling.