Fear Of DeathOne day, like a slap across the face, it hit me. I acknowledged my own mortality.
This was five years ago when two loved ones passed away. Before that, I saw SO MANY people die. I work in the medical field for goodness sake. People drop like flies! It never bothered me before. This time, however, something rewired my brain and I have never been the same. I have been completely obsessed with thoughts about dying and what happens afterward.
The first person who passed was my ex-husband (divorced 8 months so lots of guilt too) and I couldn't help but think, wow, I will never get to see him again. He will never get to see his children again. I thought about how young he was. I thought about his precious life and every part of his delicate body and how his parents must have taken such good care of him as a baby and how he was protected growing up and how hard he studied in school and how many hours he spent doing homework and just all of these crazy thoughts went through my head about this young man, this person I had spent half of my life with, and then he was just gone at 39-years-old. Gone FOREVER. Forever and ever and ever. And that forever never ends!!!!! And when you think about forever hard enough, it puts a chill up your spine. Then my step-dad died right afterward from brain cancer.
So that is what started my fear and obsession with death. I have thought about it every single day and every night. It affects everything I do. I think everything is stupid and petty because we are just going to die anyway. I can't have an argument with anybody because I am afraid they will die with it unresolved. I don't like to spend money fixing up my house because I think, what for? I'm going to die. Instead, I keep going and taking out more and more life insurance. Whenever I see other people enjoying themselves at a restaurant or event, I think to myself they are so lucky that they can be so innocent to the thoughts and fears of death and that they can just have fun. Sometimes, when my husband takes me out, I find myself momentarily having a nice time until my thoughts come and haunt me. I think about death even when I am driving to and from work. I just always think about it.
I haven't seen a therapist because I feel like it's stupid because I'm going to die anyhow! What can a therapist do? I already take some medication. I find that most religious people do not fear death, and those who fear it tend not to have religion in their lives. While I am not agnostic, I do have a hard time following my religion and "believing". I think heaven and hell seems "fairy-tale". But I enjoy my religion and I have raised my boys religious. I just don't believe in afterlife, but I sure WANT to. That makes death WAY HARDER!
Thanks for listening.