I have been close to death a few times in my life, as I have struggled with an eating disorder for many years. At times I thought I wanted death. The only thing that stopped me at the time was my strict Catholic upbringing that said any form of suicide would lead to purgatory or hell, whichever it was. Now, though, I have lost my faith, and I am so terrified of what comes after. I stay awake nights fearing the day when I don't have a conscious life anymore. I don't want there to be nothing afterward, but I fear that that's what happens. I'm afraid about when it will happen, and where. Every time I leave to go driving, or get on a plane, I wonder if something is going to happen, that today will be the day someone hits me and I'm gone. There are so many pointless deaths that happen everywhere, young adults like me and younger who die for idiotic reasons. What if I'm one of those? What if I never get to get married and raise kids? The idea horrifies me to the point where I've had multiple anxiety attacks. If anyone has any kind words, I'd appreciate it.