I Want This Thought to Leave!


The thought of dying is getting worse by the day,,and I feel that I fear it more than anyone...I know that many of us do have a severe fear,,but my God!,,,It Will Not Leave My Head!!! I've been online looking at caskets,,,headstones...Is this a sign that I Am going to die soon???? God I don't know...Many may think this is crazy,,but its Real,,and I do All that I can to rid it. I'm seeking counseling for this,,,but it doesnt seem to be helping....Could it be that I'm just so damn unhappy that its causing me to think about death so much.....My main fear is having a heart attack,,,all Freakin day long,,its on my mind..Every little pain in my chest area causes me to panic...I want this Sh** to stop...Anyone out there have Any clues on what I can do.....And No its not as easy as saying,"just stop thinking about it"...."just realize that we all have to die"...............I've heard All that,,,and these sayings do not help...At times I feel that I'm F****** crazy,,,but I'm not..I've been Very succesful in All that I've done..I have accomplished Many many things         Just needed to vent.   Thanks for reading,,and any ideas on how to help would be greatly appreciated.

Ydoifear23 Ydoifear23
46-50, M
6 Responses Aug 18, 2009

No one on this page should feel like killing themselves. I don't. I just wonder why everyone I meet will not talk about it. Like it doesn't exist. Those are the people that scare me. I don't care how many books you have read.....No one knows where we came from or where we are going ...just admit it and stop the bullshit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, this was not as detailed as my stories tend to get, maybe because it happened a few years ago so it's not as vivid anymore, but I've tried my best to recall it. :)<br />
Now that I think about it, my grandmother was getting ill around that time, and a week or so later she actually died. Maybe I somehow picked up her fear of dying and projected it onto me? <br />
Huh, nevermind...<br />
About the name, it's a combination of my two other names, my old virtual name Twisted Thoughts (I just love how this sounds :) ) and the nickname my friends in real life call me. It's a kind of fruit, so I just made it an unknown kind :) And I love how British call someone a fruit when they think they're crazy, so it just clicked with me :)<br />
How are you doing these days? Is the fear the same, getting bigger, smaller? And yes, laugher is the best medicine :)<br />
A few years ago I read a story about this man who was diagnosed with cancer. He then decided not to get any treatment and cure himself with laughter. He was watching comedies all day long, hanging out with people who made him laugh, did silly things that made himself laugh - in a nutshell he was laughing all day long. The story said that after a couple of months of his 'treatment' he actually managed to shrink his cancer to a point where he could be operated wihtout any consequences. I don't know if this story is true or not, but I like to believe it is. It actually proves that laughter is the best medicine :)<br />
Stay well

Thank you for sharing your story with me,,,,,but I don't believe you at all,,,,just kidding :)....WOW! that sounded like a Horrible night,,but I'm glad that you were able to make it thru,,and laugh it off...............And dont worry about that comment,,like I said laughter is the best med,,I know that,,,but I just have to start practicing it.....Thanks again for your story,,and Stay Courageous.<br />
by the way,,,like your name,,twistedfuit........sounds like me.............Tongue tied and twisted,,just an earthbound misfit...

Hehe love to make people laugh. Sometimes my jokes tend to get morbid, but I like people who get them in the right way (like you) :)<br />
You reminded me of something that happened to me a while ago. It was only one time, so it can't compare to your experience, but it sure freaked me out a lot. <br />
One night, before going to bed, I started thinking that I was going to die a horrible death in my sleep. I still have no idea how and why that thought came to me, but my fear kept rising up. I couldn't fall asleep until dawn, and I kept thinking that death in your sleep can't be that peaceful, cause we have no idea what happens inside heads of people who die that way. I was so convinced that it must be more horrible than any other kind of death, and, worst of all, that I was next. I was shaking in my bed, unable to shake off that thought and unable to fall asleep either. It went on and on for some time, and the more time passed the bigger my fear of it all got.<br />
Anyway, when the sun started coming up, and my fear was still growing, I just got tired of it all. I got really angry at myself and the world and whatever else, and just closed my eyes thinking 'Well, God or whoever you are, if you want me dead just take me, and get it over with. If I'm still alive after I wake up, I'll make sure to slap myself in the face, because this night never should have happened!' I don't know where that sudden courage came from, since I was still shaking and my heart was beating like crazy, but I just firmly decided to stop it from building anymore. Maybe it was the lack of sleep or maybe it was my tired eyes looking at me so helplessly from the mirror, I still don't know what made me face it and wait for it (especially since I hate any kind of waiting).<br />
Anyway, since I still had doubts about my survival, I made a short letter explaing everything and put it under my pillow, just in case. When I finally woke up, and was obviously still alive, I actually did slap myself and starded laughing like crazy for it. I was too embarassed to confess what happened to any of my friends, but I made sure to call them after it was all over and just hang out. I think I have never enjoyed life more than after that night. It got me thinking - what if I really died? What about all the people I didn't get to see and tell them I love them, what about all the stuff I've been putting off, what about this, what about that... <br />
I'm ashamed to admit that the joyful feeling didn't last long, and after a while I starded putting things off again, and living like tomorrow is always going to come, but your story reminded of what should be more important.<br />
To end with a quote: Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans.<br />
Okay, I apologise for a comment this loooong, hope it wasn't too boring. I guess you inspired my suppressed scribomania :)<br />
I wish and hope you'll find your sudden courage and beat your fear.

You are So right, I Do want to live,,and the joke was cool with me,,,,gotta laugh,,,Best med there is,:)....But I am really working on focusing on life,,,,,doing my best..But the fear has just been with me for a long long time now.....But Hey,,I was able to quit smoking years ago,,,,,so I should be able to stop this freaking habit.:)...Thank you both for your comments,,and have a Great one

Suicide will stop it :)<br />
Just kidding, you don't want to die, you want to live. <br />
So ignore death and focus on life. It's like getting addicted on chewing gum in order to quit smoking. Find something else to obsess about, and you'll be fine :)